Long story short, I just got some life-altering bad news. My husband refuses to let me discuss anything negative with him, so as always I have to deal with this on my own. All of my close friends and family are Mormon, and I've already been hearing things like "if only you had stayed on track with the gospel..."

So, anyway, I'm wondering what if any help a counselor might be. What happens when you see a counselor? Do they just listen to you talk, or do they help you figure out what to do? If you've been to one before, what did you think of it? And if you'd recommend counseling as an option, how do you find a good therapist?

Any helpful advice is appreciated!

I've personally been to at least four counselors, but only the last one has helped. She finally listened well enough and directed me and my thoughts. She had me tell her my story and took note of how I said I was terrified of disappointing my parents and how I kept feelings inside so I could protect others. Just talking about it to her with her adding comments helped me think about the issues and I decided it was time to stop protecting everybody and that I needed to be true to myself. I was finally able to truly be honest with my wife and myself.

P.s. the first two were LDS, the last two weren't



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/13/2013 11:07PM by jonathantech.

Hello anon,

I am so sorry that things have been so bad for you and that you feel so alone. I am very glad you could reach out for help here.

I for one, was helped literally helped to stay alive by a marvellous councellour after my marraige broke up and I lost my kids, plus I left the Church. I wasn't suicidal, but with all the blame being leveled on my shoulders, I do think I would have developed some horrible disease and died.

The councellour was an older woman (I am female, and I was by this time 40), and she gently took me through all my stories, from my alcoholic Dad, to the sexual attack I endured at 10, to the TERRIBLe mental abuse of my marriage,to the problems with my children, and finally a little about the Church, about which I had already made my mind up anyway ( she was not LDS). She listened, corrected me (gently) when I was too hard on myself, spent time explaining how things REALLY work, as opposed to my tbm take on life and got me to write and also to apply for university. She was INCREDIBLE. All this took 2 and half years, and I walked away a different person. Incidentally, she retired but I remain friends with her. She is an amazing person!

No two councellours or councelling sessions are alike. I would encourage you to seek out a good councellour, and keep going until you find the right one for you. I promise if you stay with it, it will change your life for the better!

I am with you every step of the way in getting the help you need.

Take care of yourself and all my VERY best to you.

If your husband won't let you discuss anything negative with him, you need counseling as a couple. That tells me he doesn't want you as a wife, he wants a Stepford wife. He needs to realize he needs help.

The may both need it, but if he won't go, she should anyway.

A good therapist saved my life.

I had to kiss a couple of frogs though...

I have had success with counseling and have found it to be very useful. They will give you some steps to take to make some positive changes in your life, changes you can make physically, mentally. They do offer more than just listening to you vent for an hour. The venting itself is very useful, and venting to an outsider who is not emotionally wrapped up in your life can help clear up the muddy waters, and offer solutions that that you just can't see right now. They clear the cobwebs.

Counseling can be a slow process. You can't expect any type of immediate change right away. You may feel like this is a path to nowhere at first. Hopefully you will see some positive change right away, but it might not be as much as you wanted or expected. The reason for this, is it can be one or two appointments before you really start getting into the meat of the problem. The first couple of appointments are the "getting to know you" phase, so don't let this discourage you, you need to stick it out a little bit and you'll notice the benefits.

Revamping your life can be a two steps forward, one step backwards process. You might need to schedule every week at first, after which you can drop the time or increase it back, depending on your difficulties.

Don't forget to check your insurance and what they cover.

The unfortunate part is you may find you really don't connect with this psychologist, so you decide to try someone new, and you have to start all over. It's another two to three weeks again...blah...but hopefully this won't happen and you connect well from the start. Don't completely brush off counseling if this first one didn't really work out. This is a very personal relationship, and you need to have a good connection. Find someone that works for you.

I think since you're dealing with Mormonism, you should try to find a psychologist who has some knowledge or experience working around cults.

My marriage/personal counselor worked great for me, not so much for my ex-wife (who hated being pinned down about anything.) But I can easily see how she wouldn't be right for everyone.

My therapist concentrated on helping me learn who I was, what my needs were. She was short on advice, which irritated me at first, but which made sense as time went on. Telling someone to do x, y and/or z often doesn't help them in the long run.

Having spoken with many people who have gone to therapy, the overwhelming advice is to just see someone and see how it works. Be aware, though, that a good counselor will challenge you and you will likely feel uncomfortable as you learn who you really are and to fully accept responsibilty for yourself and your own actions. Having a counselor who merely reaffirms you current condition and does nothing but make you feel good seems like a giant waste of time.

Incidentally, my counselor was very LDS. I picked her deliberately because of my pretend-TBM then wife. It became a potential issue with only one topic and my ex conveniently exposed herself as the gaslighting liar that she was during a session! The church came up one other time after a personal session in the form of a question that I still think about--would you have remained active if you'd married someone else? (Knee jerk answer is no, but when I really meditate on it, which was her intent, I can't be sure.)

I'm going to chime in on couple's counseling. I think this is a great idea, and you have an outside mediator to help you two work things out, but do not use the same counselor for both private and couple's counseling unless *both* of you are seeing that one counselor privately as well. There can be a bias if one part of the couple is seeing the counselor privately and then also as a couple. If your spouse is seeing this counselor privately, and you are not, do not use this counselor for couples.

...the psychological effects of having spent years or decades in cultic Mormonism. That's not to say that using the services of an intelligent, experienced counselor wouldn't be beneficial. On the contrary, having a never-Mormon perspective can be quite helpful.

IMO, it's best to either post your Mormonism-specific psychological questions here, or find an ex-Mormon or therapist with a good understanding of the harmful effects of LDS 'programming' (there are many, unfortunately).

Re. your head-in-the-proverbial-sand husband, you'll likely find that as you move forward with your personal growth post-Mormonism, an even greater relationship gap will materialize between the two of you. Bear in mind that you're not obliged to remain in an unsatisfactory marriage. You cannot force him to take off his mental blinders and start paying attention to the MANY facts that prove that Mormonism is a demonstrable fraud.

No wonder people have been leaving the LDS Church "in droves" (see "Mormonism besieged by the modern age" at http://uk.reuters.com/article/2012/01/30/uk-mormonchurch-idUKTRE80T1CP20120130 for details).

In Jan. 2012, ABC News in SLC reported: "The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints is losing a record number of its membership. A new report quotes an LDS general authority who said more members are falling away today than any time in the past 175 years." (Ref. http://www.abc4.com/content/news/top_stories/story/Number-of-faithful-Mormons-rapidly-declining/rvih3gOKxEm5om9IYJYnRA.cspx)

Last month, The New York Times published an intriguing piece, "Some Mormons Search the Web and Find Doubt", that may be of interest to you (ref. http://www.nytimes.com/2013/07/21/us/some-mormons-search-the-web-and-find-doubt.html?pagewanted=all&_r=0).

The next time Mormons tell you "if only you had stayed on track with the gospel", or something similar, you can reply with: "If only the LDS Church had been truthful with me - and millions of other people - about Joseph Smith writing conflicting First Vision stories, using his hat and a rock that he believed was mystical to 'translate' the Book of Mormon, and making other men's wives, single women, and teenage girls young enough to be his daughters his polygamous wives." That should shut them up!

It can be a rocky road for people as they leave cultic Mormonism, but the journey and liberation is definitely worth the effort!

I never received therapy for Mormon related matters but I had a good experience recently for dealing with a chronic pain issue. I'd mentioned that my mind seems to have some influence on the pain, so he encouraged meditation techniques. Now I can often just shut off the pain with my mind. He was full of solutions.

I would be very careful and keep cards close to vest if being treated by an LDS counselor. I saw one at my parents' request years ago and he betrayed my confidence and told my parents things I specifically told him not to. This happened to a friend, too, and I've read it on this board. Gods chosen people are above the law.

I can tell you it is not healthy for adults to say unsolicited things like "if only you'd stuck to the godspell," or whatever. I hope you are handling those ppl. You might not be in a position to really show teeth but you don't have to put up with it. I prefer statements like "that's very condescending. I'm surprised by you. I thought you considered me a moral, functional person."

I don't know how common this is or if it's the standard norm among LDS counselors, but I have read here on this board that when signing the documentation, you are actually giving permission for the LDS counselor to openly share what is discussed in your private sessions with the bishop or whomever the counselor wishes to talk to. You are signing away your privacy. Mormons as a whole are not well known for boundaries or discretion as a whole, but when we move into the land of HIPPA and legalities, that paperwork you have to sign, very well may include permission to share what is discussed. Read the fine print.

I still told that guy to specifically not mention things. Unless I was thought to be some sort of threat he had no reason to repeat it.

I went through therapy three different times: once during my freshman year of college (four months), again after my mission (about a year), and in my late 30s (three years). Only the third time was helpful.

The first therapist was a doctoral student at BYU. He was very caring and respectful, but also very young. I had major trust issues (with everyone) and felt like he was too fragile and too TBM to be reliable.

The second therapist was a neverMo who hated living in Utah and made constant barbed remarks about the church. I always felt like he was trying to get a reaction out of me. I ended up walking out of a session and never went back.

The third therapist was more my idea of what a good counselor should be: She made her own views on religion clear after I asked her (she was a secular humanist who didn't rule out the existence of a higher power) but was still respectful of mine. She was very gentle, yet still pushed me to explore my views and boundaries when I was ready. If I hadn't had a successful therapeutic relationship with her--and a good termination--I probably never would have left the church.

Some are good, some are not (not harmful just a waste of time).

The rub of course is you have to have a diagnosis to find the right therapist. But you can't be diagnosed until after you're in therapy.

Our best experience involved an initial evaluation with a psychiatrist, she discussed possible diagnoses and treatments.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 08/14/2013 01:33PM by crom.

Long story short, I believe she is a narcissist. The following is a self-quiz for narcissism, but I liked the way it pinpointed the lack of sympathy exhibited by narcissists, so just see if this sounds familiar. http://www.psychologytoday.com/blog/resolution-not-conflict/201210/are-you-narcissist-6-sure-signs-narcissism

There is something seriously wrong when your own spouse can't be a support for you. He is emotionally abandoning you. That, combines with your LDS 'friends' judgement, is a difficult situation. Everyone needs support and someone they can safely talk to.

I would definitely talk to a counselor, preferably someone who is non-religious, and perhaps has some background in abuse (perhaps personality disorders) or cult behavior.

The problem with leaving the church, when that is the center of your social support system, is that you get treated like YOU are the problem. It's extremely abusive and wrong, and disorienting.

Best of luck. Come here for support whenever you need it.

Yes, exactly. I'm now getting out of marriage with an abusive narcissist.

As other posters have said, counseling can help immensely. I didn't realize I was in an abusive situation until I went. We tried marriage counseling (with a different counselor than my individual one). It was a huge disaster, partly because the counselor was also seeing my spouse independently, and partly because he had the attitude that ANY and ALL marital problems were equally the fault/responsibility of both parties. In an abusive or narcissistic or personality disorder situation, that's just not true.

Do go to counseling for YOU. It will help you assess your situation more objectively, learn some new ways to handle the relationship, and help you work on your personal growth.

Also, you might look for a good support group. That made all the difference for me.

I have been to several. Some very helpful and some I loath. As Testiphony stated, when I went to LDSSS my progress was reported to the bishop (I was trying at that time to get back into the church, and that required me to stop being gay).

One of the best things a therapist told me was that if after several weeks with him I didn't feel that it was helping that maybe he was the wrong therapist and it would be time to try someone else.

Never-mo counselor was the first positive feedback that I had after I resigned. She has lived in the SLC area long enough to be exposed to the lifestyle.

After all the other things happening in my life, I kind of quickly added that I resigned from the TSCC. I thought she would take that as a sign that I was really in some kind of mental breakdown, but her reply was "I bet you feel more free now, don't you?" OH HE _ _ YES!!!

It really helped that someone else could see that I was trying to make the right decisions in my life, and not evaluate or judge my motives. I needed that, and it helped quite a bit that someone else was able to see that it I could be a good person without TSCC.

Granted I've had a LOT of counselors and many of them were blooming idiots but enough of them were good at their job to help me manage a lot of the issues I have from growing up with undiagnosed Asperger's.