I was born and raised in the church. My Mom was born into the the church and my dad converted to marry my mom.

Raised in the heart of Zion in Salt Lake City, I would say I had a typical Utah Mormon upbringing. Living in the East now, I realize that Utah Mormons are a different breed from those living outside the state.

I attended church, mainly because my mom made me, until I was in high school. I stopped attending church in a deal with my mom that I would continue to attend Seminary. I could do this because my everyone in my ward went to a different high school than me, so no one knew to rat me out my absence at church to the seminary leadership. I had become bored with the church and exhausted with the fact that everything that seemed to be normal and fun (drinking, sex, masturbation, coffee...etc.)was a sin. I had a couple girlfriends and we did normal stuff that hormonal teenagers do. I was tired of being made to feel that I was wrong to have normal teenage urges.

I remained inactive for around the next 10 years. I ended up marrying one of those girlfriend about 4 years out of high school and we had our first daughter soon after that. In 2001, we moved back east to help care for her family.

I should also mention that all through my life I had a belief that I was bi-sexual. Not gay, because that would condemn me, but that I was bi and married to woman and that would save me. (I'll come back to this)

In 2003 we had our second daughter. Even though we were both inactive, we retained our membership. We had both our daughters blessed in the church. It was around the time that our second daughter was born that we decided that we wanted our family to be eternal. I have seem SO many of my friends return to an active status after the birth of their children...because as a parent, the thought of not having your kids for time and eternityyes is unbearable. I think the church knows this is a sure-fire way to rope in-actives back in.

We started attending church again with the goal of taking our family through the temple. Since I went inactive in High School I had only obtained teacher priesthood status. I was ordained a Priest almost immediately and we were told we had to start paying tithing immediately, which we did, faithfully.

We did everything we were supposed to do. We were the model Mormon family for the next 6 months. We had planned a trip to Salt Lake to visit family. We hadn't been back since we had moved and knew that not all of our family would be able to travel east to come through the temple with us. We also knew that it would be years before we had the finances to make the Salt Lake trip again.

We spoke with the Bishop and asked him about receiving our recommends in time for this trip. We explained the situation and pleaded our worthiness. (I think there was another ordination I had to go through first too...but I don't remember). We told him how important it would be for us to have all of our family there in the Salt Lake Temple with us and that another trip would not be possible for several years.

His response was surprising. He said something to the effect of: "no doubt you have done everything we have asked and you are worthy. But we normally like to see a longer history of paid tithing than what you have." He referred us to talk to someone in the Stake Presidency who would be visiting the ward next Sunday.

The response from the Stake counselor basically mirrored what the Bishop had told us. Basically the only thing holding us back from the eternal blessings we desired was tithing history...money.

I can pinpoint the precise moment during that meeting when my view of the church changed. I felt like I was being blackmailed and I had to buy salvation for my wife and kids, not with actions, prayer, or righteousness...but with the mighty American dollar. I walked out of the meeting disillusioned, in a haze. When we got home I told my wife about it and she too was in disbelief. had we been told that we weren't ready because we missed church one Sunday...or we didn't pray or read the scriptures often enough...it would have been easier to swallow. That was the last Sunday that we stepped foot into that ward.

I understand, the supposed "principle" of tithing. It supposedly teaches you obedience and sacrifice. We obviously had been completely obedient for some time and had a special circumstance that was completely ignored. As the events of that day unfolded I realized just how much emphasis was placed on tithing throughout our whole process of becoming active again.

Years passed, life happened, and my relationship with my wife soured. I am sure many would blame our problems on the absence of the gospel in our lives but i can tell you it had nothing to do with it. After we separated I came out as gay. I had come to grips with the fact that although I was attracted to my ex-wife during our marriage, it was due to the fact that we had a close emotional bond. I was not physically attracted to any other women. My marriage to my wife wasn't a sham. I did love her and was attracted to her for most of our marriage. Though I sometimes wonder, had I not been raised Mormon and felt compelled to marry a woman, how different my life might be.

Although inactive with no intention of returning I still retained my membership. Being newly out of the closet, men I met were fascinated with me being Mormon, and I have to say it probably got me laid more than a couple times. Gay men have a fascination with Mormon men. I can't explain it. I was always a little proud to be a little different than other gay men that people would meet.

Then Prop 8 happened. It was no surprise that like a lot of other churches, that the Mormon Church disapproves of homosexuality. But there they were, in the fore-front of a political fight to take away rights that had already been granted to California couples. I was ashamed and embarrassed. I no longer wanted people to know that I was affiliated with TSCC.

Weeks after Prop 8 passed I sent in my resignation letter, specifically stating Prop 8 as the reason for my departure. I got the standard letters back referring it to my ward and stake. They use the term "eternal consequences" as a way to try to scare you back in at the last minute and I have to say it did give me pause...then it made me angry.

I eventually got a letter requesting that i set up a meeting with the Bishop, which I ignored. Followed by a standard letter from the Bishop saying my request would be processed. He had also included a hand-written "off the record" note. he confessed his son was gay, but was able to retain his faith and membership. Any respect I had for this man as a father instantly vanished. He was happy that his son could be a faithful member of the church...but never love, never find a partner, be alone? This Bishop inadvertently confirmed to me that I had made the right choice.

Since then a few missionaries have come knocking. I have turned them away each time. I have thought about playing jokes: calling for my wife and having my partner come to the door, or answering the door in my undies. Then I have a thought of inviting them in, listening to what they have to say, only if they commit to listening to what I have to say. I wonder if it would make a difference? I guess it would depend on the person.

Anyways I am happy now. I would call myself a pessimistic Agnostic at this point. Many of my friends in Utah who went inactive, have had kids, and have been sucked back into the Church at the promise of eternal families. I just shake my head. They know my story and we have had discussions and arguments. They remain my friends, and I just hope one day they will come the realization that every single bit of TSCC is all hogwash.