My story is long, but I have found that sharing it helps with the healing. It's just me being honest and straightforward, the way that I wish people had been with me.

I really like the term "mindfuck" because it seems like the perfect word to describe what I feel has been done to me. Along the same lines, I feel like I've been messed around with, jerked around, played/toyed with, screwed, jacked up... Hmmm, funny that all these terms have sexual connotations. Which seems fitting, because the result of all the mess also has sexual implications. Which, I believe, was the intention was the beginning -- an attempt by my parents and the church to "bridle" a passion, not caring whether or not the rightful passion would be damaged in the process. Just as my anorexia was not really about food and weight but rather control and perfection, my concerns are not really about sexuality -- that is just the avenue through which I discovered my cognitive dissonance. The real issues are about how to know for myself and how to have confidence in my own judgment.

So, let me try to explain where I've been... My parents are converts who joined the church when I was two years old, so I've essentially been in the church all of my life. I remember when I was about 5 I innocently asked my dad, "What if the church isn't true?" To my surprise, he became angry and told me very harshly that it IS true and he never wanted to hear me talk like that again. His anger confused me, but definitely conveyed the message that it wasn't at all okay to question the church. As an adult looking back on that experience, I realize that his anger was more due to him feeling threatened, fearful, and defensive. I wish he had simply responding lovingly. He could have sat me on his lap and calmly told me what he believed and why.

I remember my primary teachers "challenging" me to bear my testimony. When I told them I didn't have a testimony, or didn't know if I had one, they told me that I did, or I wouldn't be there in church. They told me that the way to strengthen a testimony is to bear it, and then they would "help" me at the podium by whispering in my ear what I should say such as "I know that the church is true" and "I know that Joseph Smith was a true prophet." Of course, I didn't know those things, but I felt like I was supposed to know them, or at least pretend to know them. Now, I can look back and see that as manipulation. Of course a "testimony" is "strengthened" with repetition, just as anything is. That's why we study for a test, or practice a skill. The ingraining of a thought or habit has nothing to do with the truthfulness or helpfulness of that way of thinking. Now I feel sick to my stomach at the idea of small children bearing testimony, especially when there is an adult telling them what to say. And I suppose, even if there isn't an adult physically next to them whispering in their ear, in a very real sense most if not all of them are still simply repeating what an adult has told them that they should say.

There were many times when I was in a meeting that ran out of planned speaking before the time is up, and often the man presiding called people by name to come up and bear their testimonies to fill up the remaining time. It was obviously assumed that those people had testimonies, or at least that they would do a good job of pretending. Either way, they said the right things. I've never seen someone refuse, and I've never heard anyone say the "wrong" thing. Those experiences further taught me that I was expected to know or at least act like it.

I have always been uncomfortable with prayer. Because of my experiences with my dad and the way that he taught me about God, my view of the two are quite tangled up. I was intimidated by my father, and had to walk on eggshells around him. So the idea of praying to a God that supposedly wanted me to use stiff, formal language and avoid repetitions also left me feeling paranoid. It made sense, and I wanted to believe, that God loved me unconditionally and wanted me to pour out my heart to him, using the language most conducive for doing that. Most of the time my gratitude is focused on the same blessings, and my needs are usually recurring-- so naturally my prayers would be somewhat repetitious. As I tried to say my prayers the "right" way they felt very awkward and hollow. There have been a few times in my life when I really have poured my heart out in the words and manner that felt most intimate to me, and those have been very spiritual experiences. Still, prayer was always a struggle because I felt judged. Not so much by God, but by the people I imagined would disapprove of my prayers-- my parents, church leaders, etc.

There were many times when I had a private meeting with a bishop to discuss a concern. I remember even as a teenager once going to my bishop because I was distraught over the concept of plural marriage. He was unable to explain the concept to me in any way that felt right or acceptable or even fit with the rest of my knowledge about marriage. What it came down to is that I needed to have more faith -- which to me implied that my asking was an indication of a lack of faith.

I am a perfectionist by nature. When I say that, sometimes people think I'm bragging as if it's a good thing, but actually it's been the cause of much heartache for me because it means that I'm never satisfied with my best unless it's perfect, and it never is. I was always a straight-A student. Not so much because things were easy for me, but because I literally did whatever it took -- losing sleep, sanity, social life, almost life itself. And I tried so hard to be the perfect little Mormon girl, following with "strict obedience" and "exactness." As a result, it hurt to hear talks in church about striving for perfection, needing to step it up, that I was falling far short of what is expected, blah, blah, blah. Because if I was already doing the best that I could, and they're telling me that's not good enough, how does that leave me? The last thing I needed was a reminder that I wasn't good enough, that my desires were unworthy, and implying that I shouldn't trust my own judgment.

I suffered through anorexia as a teen. Both of my parents are overweight and I heard many loud arguments between them involving my dad criticizing her weight. At the same time, I received the same messages from society that practically all girls do, which is that beauty requires thinness. I figured that if my own dad couldn't love my mom because of her weight, then I sure as hell better not ever get fat. And since I was literally made from them, and lived the same lifestyle, I needed to take drastic action to ensure that I never became like them. And so I did. I wasn't overweight to begin with, but I pretty much stopped eating and started exercising obsessively. I lost 20 lbs in the first month, and 20 more in the next few months, bringing my weight down into the low 80s. I was constantly cold and tired and hungry, and my periods stopped completely. I hated my body for being so needy for food and sleep, and I was determined to beat it into submission, to overcome my “carnal” needs, which were in fact just basic human needs which I had little control over.

I always dreamed of getting married and having kids. I think this was partly because I was taught that it was my purpose in life, but I also believe the desire to have a family is inherent to me. When I was a little girl I played with my baby dolls and dreamed of the temple marriage I learned about in Primary. When I was anorexic and swiftly spiraling downward, I suddenly realized that what I was doing directly threatened my dream of marriage and children -- both because of my mental state, and because of the potential long-term damage to my reproductive organs As much as I feared being "fat," I feared losing my dream of a future family even more. Even at such a young age when most teenagers think only of the moment, I was focused on my desire for a family--and that is precisely what gave me the motivation to face my fear, change my habits, gain weight, and get healthy -- physically and mentally. It took years to change my thinking. Anorexia has a very poor prognosis; most anorexics either die from starvation/related illnesses/suicide, or else they struggle with an eating disorder for their entire lives. It is miraculous that I turned it around on my own. My father refused to let me see a doctor because he was afraid of the potential stigma -- which just furthered my feeling that his love was conditional: his reputation was more important than my physical and mental health. (My mom later told me that he told her that he was afraid that a doctor would accuse him of sexually abusing me. I have no memory of such abuse, and until she said that it never occurred to me. But I've since learned of other significant memories that i should have and don't, and it would make a lot of sense. I don't want it to be the case and I would never make an accusation unless I was sure. I'm just putting this in here because when I've shared my story, I've been asked many times if I was sexually abused. It is extremely common among people with eating disorders.)

I am healthy now, I love my body and I have two healthy children. I point all of this out to emphasize how much my family means to me, and how much I treasure motherhood. And yet, that's apparently not good enough. I felt a tremendous amount of pressure from the leaders and members of the church to have more children. I don't want more children! My plate is full, and I am concerned about my ability to properly care for the children that I already have -- mentally, emotionally, physically, financially, spiritually... Why would I have more children just to "bring spirits into mortality?" I have been fruitful and I have multiplied, and I'm doing the best that I can.

Yet, Joseph Fielding Smith said, "The obligations which married couples take upon themselves should conform in every particular to the commandments given by the Lord. In the beginning, the Lord said when he gave Eve to Adam, "Be fruitful, and multiply, and replenish the earth, and subdue it."..."bring forth abundantly in the earth, and multiply therein. "This covenant is still binding, although mankind has departed from the way of eternal life... The abuse of this holy covenant has been the primary cause for the downfall of nations...There is nothing that should be held in greater sacredness than this covenant by which the spirits of men are clothed with mortal tabernacles. When a man and a woman are married and they agree, or covenant, to limit their offspring to two or three, and practice devices to accomplish this purpose, they are guilty of iniquity which eventually must be punished. Unfortunately this evil doctrine is being taught as a virtue by many people who consider themselves cultured and highly educated. It has even crept in among members of the Church and has been advocated in some of the classes within the Church. It should be understood definitely that this kind of doctrine is not only not advocated by the authorities of the Church, but also is condemned by them as wickedness in the sight of the Lord. " (Doctrines of Salvation, Vol. p.87)

Joseph F. Smith also said, "Those who have taken upon themselves the responsibility of wedded life should see to it that they do not abuse the course of nature; that they do not destroy the principle of life within them, nor violate any of the commandments of God. The command which he gave in the beginning to multiply and replenish the earth is still in force upon the children of men. Possibly no greater sin could be committed by the people who have embraced this gospel than to prevent or to destroy life in the manner indicated. We are born into the world that we may have life, and we live that we may have a fulness of joy, and if we will obtain a fulness of joy, we must obey the law of our creation and the law by which we may obtain the consummation of our righteous hopes and desires—eternal life." (Doctrines of Salvation, Vol.2, p.86)

Further, Smith said, "I regret, I think it is a crying evil, that there should exist a sentiment or a feeling among any members of the Church to curtail the birth of their children. I think that is a crime wherever it occurs, where husband and wife are in possession of health and vigor and are free from impurities that would be entailed upon their posterity. I believe that where people undertake to curtail or prevent the birth of their children that they are going to reap disappointment by and by. I have no hesitancy in saying that I believe that is one of the greatest crimes of the world today, this evil practice." (Gospel Doctrine, p.278-79)

The "prophet" is pretty adamant that birth control is evil. Yet the Church Handbook of Instructions (1998) states: "It is the privilege of married couples who are able to bear children to provide mortal bodies for the spirit children of God, whom they are then responsible to nurture and rear. The decision as to how many children to have and when to have them is extremely intimate and private and should be left between the couple and the Lord. Church members should not judge one another in this matter. Married couples also should understand that sexual relations within marriage are divinely approved not only for the purpose of procreation, but also as a means of expressing love and strengthening emotional and spiritual bonds between husband and wife."

One could argue that the handbook trumps the statements of J.F. Smith because it is more recent, but I was also taught that the rules of morality do not change. If birth control was evil then, it's evil now. Plus, Brigham Young said, " all the counsels of God, [are] in force as much today as it [they] ever was [were]." (DBY,184) So how am I supposed to feel good about my personal decisions? Which prophets am I supposed to believe? I know that for my own personal situation I have concluded that I shouldn't have any more. It is not a question that I am still considering. But it bothered me that my decision to have only two children was not living in line with the words of the prophets, which are supposedly the words of God (D&C 1:38)... but how could I, when those words are inconsistent and contradictory?

The same applies to many sexual issues. About 2 weeks before my wedding date, my fiance and I went to the stake president to get our temple recommends. He interviewed us separately and together. While we were all three together he said to us (paraphrasing), “Some people think that when it comes to sex in marriage, anything goes. I’m here to tell you that that isn’t true. There will be things that you are going to want to do, sexually, that are wrong and you shouldn’t do them.” Naturally, I asked him what those things were, because I wanted to make sure I didn’t do them. He said, “I can’t tell you specifics, all I can say is that you’re going to want to do them.” Wtf?! His warning caused me to become extremely sexually paranoid. What a way to help a young couple off to a good start! I couldn’t think of any sexual desire of mine that I could even halfway fathom being evil. But the stake president, a priesthood leader, someone with “stewardship” over me, someone older and presumably more knowledgeable about the gospel, looked me in the eyes and told me that I would want to do evil sexual things, but wouldn’t tell me what they were. After I was married the paranoia led to frustrating physical and emotional inhibitions. I turned to the words of the prophets, as I had been taught to do, to help find answers to my concerns. That is when I found the quotes included in this letter, and that is when I realized that not only are the prophets unhelpful on this matter, they're actually a source of the problem. The same people that I felt judged me while I prayed (parents, church leaders,) were the same ones in my bedroom. I wanted the church OUT of my bedroom!

One issue that comes to mind is oral sex. Since a major purpose of sex is the expression of love, it makes sense to me that whatever a couple wants to do that they both agree to and which strengthens their relationship is good.

On the other hand, the First Presidency sent out this letter: Letter to all Priesthood Leaders, January 5, 1982:

"Married persons should understand that if in their marital relations they are guilty of unnatural, impure, or unholy practices, they should not enter the temple unless and until they repent and discontinue any such practices. Husbands and wives who are aware of these requirements can determine by themselves their standing before the Lord. All of this should be conveyed without having priesthood leaders focus upon intimate matters which are a part of husband and wife relationships. Skillful interviewing and counseling can occur without discussion of clinical details by placing firm responsibility on individual members of the Church to put their lives in order before exercising the privilege of entering a house of the Lord. The First Presidency has interpreted oral sex as constituting an unnatural, impure, or unholy practice. If a person is engaged in a practice which troubles him enough to ask about it, he should discontinue it."
(signed Spencer Kimball, N. Eldon Tanner, Marion G. Romney, and Gordon B. Hinckley)

Troubled enough to ask about it? I never would have been, except that they specifically mentioned it! No one has been able to explain to me any reason why oral sex is supposedly so terrible. Of course, I understand that some people might not enjoy it. but liking it is entirely different from considering it to be evil. How is it possibly offensive to God? It just doesn't make sense to me, and it irritates me that "prophets" say that such matters are between the couple and God, and that they can determine for themselves their standing before the Lord, and then they turn around and say basically, "But just so you know, oral sex is evil and you shouldn't go to the temple if you have it. We trust you to use your own judgment with your spouse and God, but not really."

I am a normal human being, with the normal drives, etc. I like sex, and logically I know that it is good and right, but the "brain-damaged" part of me couldn't shake the guilt that I felt for enjoying it, just as I used to feel guilty about my body's need for food. I couldn't reconcile my actions with my obligations as a member of the church. And how could I, since those obligations are inconsistent and contradictory? I SO resent that I was programmed to feel negative feelings about sexuality when it is something that as a human being, I have the right to enjoy to the fullest extent that I am capable.

All through high school I was entirely focused on my weight and my grades. I knew I was missing out, and I determined that my college experience would be different. As a teen I was pulled tight in one extreme direction, and when I realized the need for balance, I thought I could go from one extreme to just all of a sudden being balanced. But my life is like a pendulum. and I swung right past balanced and up to the other extreme. At BYU, instead of starving myself, obsessing over my grades, and being anti-social, my pendulum swung right past balanced and up to the other extreme -- I ate a lot (then threw up), I couldn't even make myself care about school and eventually stopped going to class altogether. I found ways to have fun!

In light of that, one of the reasons that I came home from BYU was that I had sex with a guy I was engaged to marry. The sexual part of the relationship lasted about a month, upon which I broke up with him, confessed to my bishop, and moved home. Honestly, for me, losing my virginity was not something I did "in the heat of the moment." A large part of the reason that I did it was because of intense curiosity, the degree of which was a direct result of the secrecy with which it was surrounded. Everyone always said, "it's worth waiting for." But they certainly didn't make is seem that way, as evidenced by how uncomfortable the topic seemed to make everyone, and how obsessed they were with it. Such attitudes served to put sex up on a pedestal of exaggerated importance. It's like having a special box that I'm told contains a great secret, but that I cannot open it until I'm married. And I'm constantly reminded that whatever you do, don't open it! Don't think about it! Feel bad for even wanting or wondering! With all that reminding, of course I thought about it! It was so hyped up, that in my mind it almost seemed worth it to find out what all the fuss was about. I wish that someone had told me that the box doesn't contain a perfect, glittering diamond like everyone suggested, but rather a rock, a diamond in the rough... something to work at, polish, refine, and make your own. If I had known that, I would have been content to wait. After all, I explained how much I wanted children, but I wasn't in any hurry for that because I understood that they require time, effort, energy, and they're not sunshine and flowers all the time. Sex should have been taught the same way. Just like anything, it's not just given to you, you have to learn, work, build.... I think that people over-emphasize abstinence to the exclusion of proper sex education because they are trying to protect chastity. It's like they're afraid that if they educate, that THAT will be tempting. My experience shows that such a tactic can and does backfire. My daughter asks me about her body, babies, and the mechanics of how babies are made , and I answer all of her questions honestly and openly, trying not to convey any of the mindfuck that had been imposed upon me. I want her to grow up thinking matter-of-factly about sex, knowing that her body is good and beautiful and so is sex and it's not embarrassing or shameful.

I remember being taught that sex is only for married couples because it is the means by which mortal life is created, and creating life outside of marriage deprives the child of its right to be born under the covenant. That idea implies that procreation is THE purpose of sex. Well, that is insufficient because most people do not have sex with either the intention or the result of making babies. I mean, if you use birth control to prevent conception from extramarital sex, does that mean it's okay? I remember sitting in Gospel Doctrine when my husband was teaching the lesson about the law of chastity. I was pregnant and nearly due. He posed the question of how to teach children the proper role of sex in marriage. I raised my hand and said, "Children should be taught that sex in marriage is not just for procreation, it is also a great form of recreation." That elicited a nervous laugh from several of the people in the class, particularly the women (is that because of the double standard that enjoying recreational sex is a man thing? That men enjoy it, women just put up with it?). I do realize how that might have seemed funny coming from little quiet me, all round and pregnant, but really! Why is it such a difficult thing for people to talk about?!

I don't think that repentance requires confession to a bishop, because it did nothing to help me. When I broke off my engagement and confessed to my bishop, I did so promptly and voluntarily. I trusted him, and I believed what I had been taught about the process of repentance. He betrayed my confidence and arranged a church court, where I was seated in the middle of a room surrounded by about 10 men who then proceeded to interrogate me about the intimate details of my sexual encounters. Why?! All they needed to know was that I had sex outside of marriage. I did what people do when they have sex. What was the purpose of making me rehash the juicy details? It wasn't because they really needed to know; I felt it was because they were nosy and perverted and they got some sort of sick entertainment out of it. It was humiliating -- not humbling, HUMILIATING. That happened in Utah, and then I moved back home shortly after and began working with a new bishop. That bishop strongly advised me to never tell my future husband about my pre-marital sexual experiences. I took that to heart, and eventually put it behind me, or so I thought.

I had always been told that when you are dating you should have your eyes wide open, and after you're married you should keep them half-closed. Meaning, carefully screen the people you date but after you get married, you'll have to be very forgiving. I'm sure My husband has found that to be true, but I was pleasantly surprised myself. Of course he has weaknesses and imperfections, but I knew about those before I married him. All of the things I have learned since then have been positive. He is even better than I thought. After a few months of marriage, I started feeling like I didn't fully deserve his love, that if he knew about my past he maybe wouldn't love me or accept me as much. It really tore me apart. So one night we were lying in bed and I started crying and said I had something I needed to tell him. I explained it all, and he held me and cried along with me. He explained that his tears were tears of both joy that I had overcome that, and tears of pain at the thought that I ever felt that he would love me less because of my past. He has never brought it up since. Since then I feel like his love for me has only increased. So much for that "inspired" bishop's advice. I don't think confessing to the bishop did me any good at all, and the court was downright traumatizing.

Sealing and plural marriage. What is the point? Why do people need to be sealed? What about parents who get divorced? Who are those children sealed to? What about a man who gets sealed to another woman after his first wife (whom he is also sealed to) dies? What happens when they all get to the other side? Does that man pick which wife he wants forever? Does he keep both? What if the women don't want to be part of an eternal orgy? Especially the first wife, since she had no say in it -- at least the second wife would know that she was marrying someone who was already sealed. I used to take comfort in the idea that temple marriage is eternal, depending only upon desire and worthiness. But now I realize that all it would take is for a woman to die before her husband, and then for him to remarry in the temple, and all of a sudden that woman is part of a threesome completely beyond her control, and regardless of her worthiness. Why are men allowed to be sealed to more than one woman, but women cannot be sealed to more than one man? It seems like both sexes should only be able to be sealed to one partner. I've been taught all my life to become "one" with my spouse, to cleave to him and none else. So how would that be a fair reward for me to get to the other side and have to choose between being part of a threesome, or leaving my husband? My husband insists that he will never get sealed to another woman, but that isn't even the point. The point is that he believes it's possible, and it goes against everything I feel is true about marriage. It goes against my hopes and dreams and justice itself. I was taught that I could take such comfort in the idea that my husband and I could/would be together forever, unbreakable by physical death. But now, I realize that “eternal marriage" is, in many cases, dependent upon mortal lifespan, whether or not a widowed spouse remarries in the temple, and whether or not a woman is okay with being one of several wives. I have never taken comfort in my temple sealing.

All of the above are examples of not being able to trust what "inspired" leaders say. Of course I believe it comes down to what I feel is right for me, but even that conflicts. I told a bishop that I feel that the spirit confirmed to me that some of the things that I have been taught in church are not true. He told me that the spirit wouldn't tell me that. . I'm supposed to learn by the Spirit, but only when what I feel it's telling me is consistent with what the leaders are telling me? How convenient! That's like trying to make a decision by flipping a coin that has heads on both sides. Like asking a yes-or-no question of somebody whose vocabulary consists of a single word --"yes." So when a prophet tells me in no uncertain terms that something is evil, but I feel that it's just fine, whom do I trust?

I remember how I felt when I learned that Santa wasn't real. I think I was about 7 or 8 when I found out. My mother had always insisted that ghosts. monsters, boogeymen, and other bad guys weren't real, but Santa and God were real. So when I stopped believing in Santa, she also confessed that "ghosts" and other bad guys actually do exist. She stood by her belief in God, but it was hard for me to trust her after that. Before I ever had children I decided that I would never lie to them (maybe make a joke about something, but never tell a lie and stand by it). I've always told my kids that Santa is just a fun, fictional holiday character. I'm hoping that helps protect my credibility. My parents have criticized me for this, claiming that I'm "robbing" my children of the innocence of childhood, but I'm doing no such thing. My children are as sweet and innocent as any others and they enjoy Christmas at least as much as I remember enjoying it. The real harm would be in lying to innocent, trusting children only for them to later realize that they were deliberately deceived -- regardless of the reason. In the same way, I put everything I was and had into believing and trusting my church leaders. Now I have been told that I took it too seriously. I agree that I wasn't lied to with malicious intent, but that is irrelevant to the effect it had on me. Even after my mom's Santa confession, she continued to promise me that I could always trust her because she would never lie to me. But I had heard that from her before, and she already had lied! So what I am supposed to make of church leaders whom I'm supposed to trust and follow with the promise that they will never lead me astray, when I now know they that don't always speak the truth, and they can and have led me astray?

I talked with many people and the response I always get is that "The church doesn't say that anymore." Yes, I understand that they no longer prohibit birth control and oral sex. But in light of Brigham Young's statement that all of the commandments of God remain in force, and D&C 1:38 (whether by my voice or the voice of my servants, it is the same...) it seems that these prohibtions would apply today, in spite of the fact that they are no longer taught. What is taught now is that such matters are between couples and God, but I have not found anything retracting previous statements. If those prophets were incorrect in denouncing those things as evil, then how did it come to be that they said them in the first place? I know that "prophets" are fallible mortal men, but what about God not allowing them to lead us astray? Sex and its related intimacy issues are among the leading cause of divorce. . Spencer W. Kimball has said that although most people don't divulge this information in divorce court he believed that sex was one of the primary causes of divorce (Kimball, Teachings of Spencer W. Kimball, 312). In my case, and I’m positive that I’m not the only case, these prophetic teachings created very harmful emotional and physical inhibition that wreaked havoc on my marriage, which apparently is a problem that frequently leads to divorce. Is that not leading me astray? Is it really worth it to damage young people this way in an attempt to "protect virtue" when the cost is often marital problems that lead to divorce, destroying entire families?

My husband and I have discussed all of this and more; he is acutely aware of what I'm going through. He recognizes the necessity of me finding my own answers, and he supports me in any way that I need to go about doing that. My girlfriends seem surprised that he and I talk about these things, because they seem to have to tip-toe around topics with their husbands. I cannot imagine being married to someone like that. He knows I have shared some of this stuff with others, and he understands that I'm doing what I need to do, and he wants me to find a way of dealing with all of this that I can be at peace with. I realize that what I'm dealing with is rather adolescent; these are the kinds of things that I should have figured out when I was young, way before I became a wife and mother and made covenants in the temple. I resent the fact that I'm just now putting my foot down and giving myself permission (even if no one else gives it) to ask questions and learn for myself. I was not social at all in high school because of my obsession with my weight and my grades, and because of my pathetically low self-esteem. So now I'm on kind of a perspective-sharing binge, trying to cram for what I missed. It's intense, but extremely enlightening both from the ones who share their perspectives with me, and the ones who recoil. The ones that share make me feel loved and accepted and I learn so much. The ones who recoil also reveal something about themselves by the very act of recoiling, and that is in itself enlightening. I feel badly for adults who are still so uptight and cut-off from themselves. They claim to be happy, because that's the only image they feel is appropriate to display, but I know from myself and others I have talked to that you cannot be truly happy when you hate yourself.

My husband is a very good man and is my closest friend. We have a lot of fun together, and I dont want to leave him. He says he wants to stay with me, but he has also stated that the church is more important to him than I am. And of course, as a believing Mormon his "eternal reward" depends on having a worthy Mormon wife. Also, he takes the kids to church, but my 10 year is already started to ask some hard questions in a way that tells me she is smelling the bullsh!t already. How are we going to raise them? Somehow we are going to have to be united, and they will end up either very confused, or else see that two people with different beliefs can still love and respect each other.

I stopped going to church near the end of 2011. Not surprisingly, my parents (especially my dad) were upset -- my mom more in a sad/emotional way, and my father in a downright angry way; he told my husband that he should be making me go to church! My dad told me that I am a blight on his name, and my mom said that I dont fit in with the pattern of "her" family. My oldest brother asked me if Im a lesbian! I have no why he wondered that, as nothing I have ever done or said would point to that. Sigh. In time I think they have learned to leave things alone, although I doubt they deserve the credit for that; I think us moving away from our hometown has more to do with the increased emotional distance.

We stayed in our hometown after we got married and stayed there until about a year ago, so we had far too much interference from both sides of our families. We recently moved to Utah because we both love the mountains, climate, central location, etc. We did NOT move here because of the church, although I had people tell me that it was good to move closer to "the saints" and my husband had people tell him that moving me here would bring me "back into the fold." I am happier here than I was back home, but I will admit it is hard being around so many reminders of Mormonism. DH still takes the kids to church, and my name is still on the records. I told him to tell the bishop that I do not want any contact. I'm not "anti" but I am firm in my position. There is nothing they can say or do that will bring me back and thankfully, they haven't tried. The good thing about being an ex-Mormon in Utah is that there are many others with similar experiences, so they can relate. I have a couple of good ex-Mormon friends here, as well as a few believing Mormons that respect my position.

My mom has asked me why I struggle with these things related to my upbringing, when my brothers dont have the same issues? I responded that we dont know for sure that they DONT struggle with these things. I don't think my experiences are so unusual, only my willingness to be open about them is. And, even though we grew up in the same home, we are individuals with unique interpretations. Like the old "input/output" machine diagrams in our old math textbooks -- you can put the same thing in, but the function of the machine determines what comes out. And of course, we didnt even have all the same input. For example, I was the only daughter. My brothers did not have the same attitudes and expectations placed on them as sons. I was the "stellar" student and so had set a precedent that I had to maintain. Neither of my brothers were particularly good students when they were young and so while my parents encouraged success, they didn't necessarily have the same expectations. Also, as the only other female in the house, I identified with my mother. As a result, my father's criticisms of her body, intelligence, etc. felt personal to me. I figured that if my own father's love for my mother was inhibited by those things, then how would anyone ever love me unless I was impressive in every aspect? I'm proud of my brothers and what they have accomplished not only in terms of worldly success, but also the fact that they seem far more "together" than I am. Of course, it does make me feel like somewhat of a "black sheep."

As for my education, was always a good student. My parents described me as "self-motivated;" and although I was, in the sense that no one ever had to remind me to do my homework, my motivation came from the perception that I had to earn my parents' love by being as close to perfect as possible. The striving for perfection went far beyond academics, affecting my very sense of self and spirituality. Truth and the way to live were starkly black and white; there was no room or tolerance for questioning and coloring outside of the lines. The turmoil was internal, the only visible manifestation was my literal wasting away. A person looking from the outside in could believe everything was fine if they only squinted hard enough. After all, it was the picture of success: an obedient daughter, never in any trouble, so tightly kept as to not even have opportunities to get into trouble. Thin, proper, spouting the expected religious lines... I was as "perfect" as could be. But I was dying inside, desperately lonely and miserable.

My life was laid out for me: I was to go to BYU, but the real goal was to find a husband and get married as quickly as possible to a good Mormon returned missionary, then start making babies. The "prophet" counseled never to put off marriage and babies for ANY reason -- not for school, career, money, preference, nothing. As always I did as I was told, and I naively believed the promise that being a young wife and stay and home mom was the surest path to happiness.

There have definitely been some good moments, but by far the overall feeling has been disappointment. I do not regret having children or even getting married necessarily, but I can see now that the "prophet's" advice was complete BS, full of ulterior motives. The only reason it wasn't transparent to me was because my view was clouded with such thick naïveté and misplaced trust. It is so obvious that my current situation is by deliberate design. A woman with no education or marketable skills who gets married young to another identically indoctrinated Mormon, then immediately starts having children, will find it very difficult to leave once she grows up and sees the bullshit for what it is. It will be extremely difficult and impractical to swim against the flow, and most will give up trying if they even start in the first place. They are stuck, their individual will long ago broken.

I suppose it says something about me that at least I am trying to swim against the flow. But I don't want my life to always be one of fighting upstream for things that should be fully my choice. I shouldn't have to fight so hard for some
independence, for individuality, for my own beliefs. At some point I want to be my own woman, own myself. I am in my mid 30s and I realize that that is something I should have accomplished a long time ago, certainly before getting married and having children.

Oh, a few other experiences I want to share (because this story isnt long enough yet, haha). During my first semester at BYU, I went to the counseling center because I was struggling with eating disorder issues. I was assigned to meet with the head of the center. I don't remember his name, but I remember his face. He was about 60. Anyway, as I was talking with him , his eyes were glazed over like he wasn't paying attention. I asked him if he was listening, and he said, "Oh, I was just imagining you dancing on a tabletop." WTH?? I didn't know what to say and I have no memory of what happened next, but I'm pretty sure I didn't not immediately get up and leave. I never went back to see him. The next semester I was engaged and I went back to see a different counselor because I was concerned about how the eating disorder issues could affect my upcoming marriage. His name was Lars Nielsen and I think he might even still work at BYU. We met for a few sessions and every time after the meeting, his secretary would hand me a card with my next appt on it and Id write it on my calendar at home. Well one day when I went to put it on my calendar I noticed that the date was for a Saturday. That surprised me because I didn't think the center was open on Sat., but I guessed it must be, otherwise she wouldn't have made the appt for that day. So on the appt day I went to the WILK and the center was dark. As I started to walk away from the locked door, Lars walked up and opened it. Again, being naive and trusting, I went inside with him. His office was all the way in the back, so we walked through the hallways, past many dark offices. Except for the setting, the session began normally, but he eventually started making sexually-charged comments, which I ignored. At one point he started giving me explicit suggestions of things my husband and I could do to make our sex life more exciting, which of course was completely off-topic and highly inappropriate. I do not remember anything after that. I don't remember what was said, or what (if anything) was done. I was shocked and digusted and scared. I told me brother and fiance and they were upset, but neither did anything either. I never did report him; I should have. I guess I figured that I don't know if he actually did anything, and I had no proof of what he said, and no one would believe me anyway. But Im sure he was at least fishing for receptivity. I probably wasn't the first, probably not the last either. These two experiences were just added to my growing distrust of men, the church, and authority in general.

Young people in the church as encouraged to get married ASAP, without regard to finances, education, or even in some ways compatibility. I was told at BYU that any good man and any good woman could have a happy marriage, a view that makes us all seem interchangeable. Couples often get married without really knowing if they are even a good match, and at a time in their lives when marriage itself often isn't even a good match. Another reason people get married so quickly and without doing their homework is simply because of hormones, which can make you think you are in love and feel "the Spirit" when really you're just horny. What would it be like to marry someone because you can't live without them, rather than because they are merely someone who'll do? The way I've explained it to people is to imagine the list of all the things a person could want in a spouse, starting with the absolute most basic things. The first thing would obviously be that the person needs to be human, and the right gender. For a Mormon, right next to that is the requirement to be a "worthy" member of the church. So, for me to stop believing after the fact is kind of like deciding to get a sex change operation. It's kind of a game-changer.

I wish my husband could understand my point of view. He tries to be respectful of me, but thinks I'm merely lost and confused and will eventually see the light and return to church. Even so, he says he wants to stay with me even if I never come back. As a believer in the necessity of eternal marriage, and since he has stated that the church is more important to him than I am, the obvious implication is that he believes I will be be converted in the afterlife. It is difficult for me to hear him say that he KNOWS all of he things he thinks he knows. He doesn't seem to be able to make a distinction between strongly believing something, and actually KNOWING it to be true. The more I read about the history of the church, the more contradictions and issues that arose. I have tried discussing these with him and he won't even consider them, even the ones that can be found in church sources, including the recent essays published on the church website. It can be difficult to respect someone who insists on keeping their head in the sand.

I did not leave the church because I was offended, or to sin. I left because I don't think the church is "true." It teaches some good principles, although sometimes using deceptive and manipulative means, sometimes to very harmful ends. There are many lies and cover ups, I'm sure you know the things I'm referring to.

I'm not sure what believe now. Ive had to take everything I was taught and look at it piece by piece and decide where it fits in my life and understanding. Some of it is stuff from church, some from my family, some just assumptions about life in general. I am reconsidering all of it. I have found that I am much more open to possibilities, and more loving and accepting of myself and others. It is an ongoing process. I am inclined to believe in God. I mean, God either exists, or he doesn't. Both possibilities seem pretty tough to get my head around! I believe in being kind, honest, etc. I know that it's possible to think I know something, and then realize I don't, so I am not willing to pin myself down to specific religious claims. I do not believe that Joseph Smith was a prophet. Of course my kids know that I don't go to church, and I have simply told them that I don't believe in many of the things that they teach, although I haven't gone into much specifically. I have told them that there are many good things that they can learn in church, but it is up to them to decide what they believe, and that it's okay to believe differently than what the church or their parents believe. I have told them that I will always love them no matter what they believe.

If there is a God, I believe that he knows and loves me and understands all the details of my situation. I believe he is forgiving and not nearly as uptight as he has been portrayed to me. Where I have made mistakes, I believe it can be corrected and made up for. One thing my parents are concerned about is my breaking of temple covenants. I told them, and I honestly believe, that I am not accountable for the covenants I was led to make. I was pressured into making them, and they were made on false pretenses.

We all have our experiences and beliefs that mean something to us. If we find them inspiring and helpful, fantastic. It doesn't mean we are necessarily right, but it means we've found a way to make sense of life that we find useful. Other people will not find it useful. I've been wrong enough times in my life to know that I don't really "know" much. I hope, I believe, I reason, I look at evidence, but always with an open mind that acknowledges that I might be wrong. I am open to consider new information. Anyway, I came to realize that even though my husband and I have very different beliefs, we both are good people trying to do the best with what we have. We both love our family, we both want to be happy, and most of our ideas on how to do that are very similar. We both find ourselves in a marriage with partner who doesn't share the same religious views, which is extremely significant from the Mormon/ex-Mormon perspective. So rather than being angry at him for believing, I am coming to recognize that he is only doing what I am doing--- trying his best. I'm sure his frustration with my disbelief is just as strong as mine is about his belief. Its actually kind of silly. It seems like it should be simple to just agree to disagree about the particulars of doctrine, etc and just focus on what we do have in common, which is a lot. Mostly, that we are great friends and genuinely love each other for the people that we are, Mormon or not.

He doesn't want to be viewed as stupid, naïve, or brainwashed any more than I want to be viewed as evil, rebellious, or deceived. And certainly if he were to be "persecuted" that way, I would stand up for him. He is not stupid, he is sincere, just as I was when I believed. I wouldn't have wanted anyone calling me stupid when I believed. Likewise, he would and has stood up for me when others have put me down for leaving the church. So I realize that we are in the same boat, and that has helped me to let most of the anger go.

But of in spite of all of that, we still occasionally get into very uncomfortable discussions. We are both trusting and brave enough to keep trying to communicate until we find the common ground, and genuinely agree to disagree, without condescension. It is HARD. But the fact that we can do it at all gives me hope that time will work its magic and we will get to a point that it no longer feels like an issue.

I really hope what I wrote makes sense. I kind of feel like everything is disorganized. Thanks for reading all of this, you don't need to respond to all of it, or any of it actually. Just putting it out there.



Edited 4 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2015 01:35PM by alisonwonderland.