Hello all,

BIC mid-thirties, married to an awesome wife with great kids.

Growing up in a military family means you get to move around a lot. Looking back it was a great experience. I got to meet all kinds of people from different backgrounds, and see how truly diverse the human experience is.

I am an introvert, and as a child I was reserved, and certainly shy in new social situations. I was usually one of only a handful of kids in school that were LDS. These kids were most often were my friends, but I also had some great friends growing up that ran the gamut: Catholic, Baptist, Lutheran, and Jewish. Learned a lot from them, and quickly realized that the LDS church did not have a corner on how to be happy.

Dad retired from the military and we moved to Utah. I’m not sure what I was expecting, but it was a bit of a culture shock. The kids in Morgdom didn’t act any better than kids in the military. In some ways they were worse. There was some affluence in the military, I remember an only child of a Major that had the coolest bike, toys and best clothes. In the more affluent area we moved to in Utah, most kids had these things, and if you didn’t you were an outcast.

After a year or two I caught on and my parents started buying me nicer clothes as I outgrew toys, but I always felt uneasy that a pair of jeans determined my worth in the eyes of my peers. I quickly noticed the “pat your back on Sunday but screw you on Monday” mentality. High School was uneventful, and I started school at the University of Utah while living at home with my parents and working part-time to pay for school.

“When are you going on a mission?” became the question I was asked multiple times every Sunday when attending my home ward. My reply was always vague and I’m sure unsatisfactory. The pressure mounted as high school friends started leaving one-by-one until it was just me and the troublemaker of the group remaining.

Then the troublemaker repented of fornicating with multiple girlfriends in high school and left for his mission. I was a little shocked. How could someone commit such a serious sin and yet only need a few months before leaving for the mission (this was obviously before ‘the bar’ was raised). This did not sit well with me. Here I was grappling with my testimony, feeling guilt for minor things. While others had way too much fun, and with a wink, are off to teach the gospel.

My father’s family was converted to the gospel when he was very young, and he was inactive until he met my mom. His first time through the temple was when he married my mom, and then went inactive. As my 19th birthday approached he corned me and stated, “If you want to go on a mission I will support you.” He let that sink in then said, “But you don’t want to go, do you...”

I’m not sure if that was a question or a statement. Bless his heart though, it put it into perspective. It was up to ME. I didn’t go on a mission. My only regret has been missing out on mastering a second language/culture...possibly. Knowing my luck I probably would have served in Iowa or Kansas.

So then there was just me, going to the school of apostates. I choose History as my major (emphasis in US and Russian) and worked while going to school. I ended with no debt, but it took 7 years. Co-workers introduced me to beer. It is a wonderful beverage to have with pizza or Mexican food. I never got drunk, but would have one or two cold ones with friends at a restaurant.

My high school buddies began returning from their missions. They all were so weird and lost when they came home, I just left them alone for 2 or 3 months and then they seem ready to be normal. Except the troublemaker, within a day he was back to normal. A week later he was sharing a pitcher of Hef with a non-member group and me at The Pie. I like Ales too.

We all started dating the same group of girls, and then I met my future wife. She wanted to get married in the temple, so I stopped consuming when Benjamin Franklin observed as proof God does indeed love us, beer.

Now I needed to repent. Up to this point I had never approached a bishop for any repentance. I figured I was a good person. I felt guilty of course for playing with the factory, but as a teenager or man in his early twenties that is abstaining, what do you expect? The beer talk lasted less than three minutes. My first reaction was, “That was easy.”

My wife understood that I was not a religious person. Since we were in the same ward she spoke with the only bishop I had ever repented to, and he assured her I was a good person and that staying home was my choice, I could have served a mission if I had wanted to.

So we get married, held off having kids right away (what rebels we were!). Went on a family trip to Nauvoo (more on that later). I started graduate school at Westminster, and we started having kids. The whole time I am going through the motions at church. Because of school, and later because of the recession, we moved around quite a bit. My callings were:
Nursery Leader with my wife
Gospel Doctrine teacher
Primary teacher
Assist Ward Clerk (membership)
Scouts
Primary teacher

I performed all my callings to the best of my ability, but teaching Primary kids is hard, especially when it is the BoM. I have never felt anything when reading the BoM. In fact, it always left me wanting. I enjoyed reading select parts of the Bible, but not the BoM. I truly dislike teaching it in Primary. It is awkward, repetitive, and as I was working through college realized, full of problems.

Problems like: Hebrews don’t eat pork, why did Lehi’s family bring swine? Why does God tell Jacob multiple wives are an abomination, yet commanded JS to start the practice? Why are sacred Hebrew writings in Reformed Egyptian, the language of pagans and former enslavers? How could the Nephites possess steel weapons/armor, chariots, horses, wheat and still be defeated by the Lamanites? Why would the Lamanites not adopt these things?

Groups must very quickly adopt these technologies/advantages, or they will be wiped out. Native Americans were quick to realize that horses were a huge advantage, and adopted them when the Spaniards introduced them in the Americas during the 16th century. Why did the Native Americans not have these things when the Spanish arrived? Why was the only domesticated animal of any consequence in North America the lama? WTH is a Curelom? And a Cumom? Why were there so many different tribes and languages among the “Lamanites” after just over a thousand years?

My mom once asked why I didn’t study church history. “It doesn’t interest me very much,” was my canned reply. I don’t want to rock the boat. I’m one of those peacekeeper types. But church history did indeed interest me, a lot. For reasons the 15 geriatrics fear. Early church history as you all know is very, very messy. It’s not anything like the sanitized version members are fed through slick marketing-like materials.

A family trip to Nauvoo was fascinating. I knew JS practiced polygamy. One of the missionary couples was refreshingly candid. Yes, he was married to multiple wives. The cracks were getting even bigger. I researched things on returning home and learned of polyandry. WTF, send men on missions and then marry their wives? Girls of only fourteen? JoD, blood-atonement, Nauvoo Expositor, you know the list. What ended it for me the BoA translation.

As a historian you understand that the meaning of source documents can be debated. But when you think about JS being given an Egyptian Papyri: it is a common burial document, he couldn’t understand a lick of it, made up scripture re-enforcing polygamy and obtuse bat-crazy astronomy, and was off by a few thousand years as to the papyri’s origins...everything this man produced comes into question. Including the church he founded and its cornerstone, the BoM. It was all made up. This realization hit me at the end of May, 2012. I was done worrying about everything it means to be Mormon.

When I carefully explained to my wife my feelings just last week, I could tell she was very concerned at first. She realized as we spoke, I think, that she will always come first, kids second. She always did, even over the church. She once said no to a calling because of the time I would take away from me while in Grad school. Mrs. More Evil than Hitler is awesome.

Wife also has had doubts. Doesn’t understand and hates polygamy. She once stated, “I’m not doing polygamy, so if you are interested then I’ll take the Terrestrial Kingdom.” I laughed and assured her one wife was all I needed. I will keep going through the motions, and look forward to slowing becoming inactive and resigning from the church eventually; I’m a closet apostate.

I guess my doubts and future plans means I’m more evil than Hitler, seeing as he will inherit a lesser glory and I will be gnashing my teeth in outer darkness. Looking at it with an eternal perspective, too bad I wasn’t a failed Austrian artist with an unhealthy hatred for Semites.