Before my DH and I were married in 2002 I took mish lessons and was baptized. I had to move out and get my own place and live the law of chastity in order to meet the requirements.  I didn't know about what I later found out about what I call deal breaker doctrinal points until it was much too late. I had been baptized and married. It wasn't until 3 years after I learned of things like polygamy. I found myself digesting things I found odd along the way, trying to reconcile it with my former Christian faith, until it became too unbearable to shoulder. I started to feel depressed. What do I do?  I resigned from the LDS church and felt guilty somewhat knowing my guy would not have married me had I not been LDS. 
My SIL had made a comment to me last they visited about HF having a heavenly mother and how the God of the universe didn't speak much of her to shelter her from ridicule. Well, today I got up the courage to ask DH if he believed there was an HM and he hemmed and hawed and worked his way around it until finally it did come out that he thought "why not?" and then brought out theoretical things about procreating in the next universe and becoming gods of our own planets, and I just felt wretched. Heartbroken. The way he said it was like GBH's denial without actually denying and right now I'm really sad!  And now I no longer feel bad Che didn't telle this shut about the religion before I was baptized into it, and I just feel sick about it and no longer feel to blame for rejecting its truth because I didn't know these weird things. I feel very very deceived and without words right now. 

Sorry about the mistakes, I'm on an iPhone and am terrible at texting on it. I just feel so stuck in a situation I hate!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 01/31/2011 08:27PM by suckafoo.

I'm sorry you feel so badly, but I can certainly understand it. After I found out so many truths about the LDS Church that I'd never known before, I had to go through a period of great anger. The anger comes from not only being lied to, but learning that so many things are hidden from the members. Things which may well have kept us from being baptized in the first place had we known about them. It's not a nice feeling knowing that things were kept from you. It shows you that they know it's weird. Otherwise they would quite happily admit it, without shame or embarrassment.

Thanks for identifying because there are times I feel somewhat ok and other I feel betrayed that my own spouse is lying about the things he believes in the way my former friends did. I would rather he say, "Yes. I believe it." than lie.

My dh lies about the stupidest crap sometimes. He doesn't realize that the betrayal of the "little white lie" compounds whatever it was he was lying about and makes it worse. I despise lying. I am sorry you are going through this.

...for the way we feel once we realize the enormity of the difference between what we were led to believe the church was, and what it actually is. If I knew a shortcut through the process of deep grieving/anger which you have just begun, suckafoo, I would gladly share it with you!

Of course you did not know those weird things when you joined. They are deliberately withheld from potential new members because the leaders know good and well that those things would be “deal breakers.”

We at RfM understand and relate to how you are feeling. It will take time and patience with yourself as you work through the pain. You are a good person and you deserve to have caring people listen and respond. Keep posting!

(((((suckafoo)))))

Thanks. You guys have no idea how healing these words are for me when I have nowhere to turn! I appreciate the kindnesses more than you know.

suckafoo, I am curious, how did you find things out? I have a sister in law who is going to be converting. She wont believe any of the things I tell her that mormons believe and her mormon husband denies many of them as well (that mormons can become gods for example). I have never been mormon and I am wondering if or when she will eventually learn the truth. Once you are a member do they just start discussing things in front of you that they would not have brought up before? Do they have lessons on becoming gods or do they just sort of slip it into a conversation like it isn't any big deal? Is it a gradual process or does it hit you like a ton of bricks? Do most converts just accept the new info or do most feel like you do now? I would imagine most people would feel completely betrayed, especially if a loved one contributed to the deception. I wish you luck and really hope you can find peace. I also hope you realize that YOU are not the problem. You were completely manipulated with half truths and lies.

Thank you, because I feel like an idiot. They didn't tell me about becoming gods of our own planets, they led me to believe by being baptized I had everything else the other members had. They didn't show me D&C and didn't know the prophet was a polygamist. I just thought my current faith would be enhanced. I had read an ensign article saying other religions are good but like half lit lamps only shedding partial light. I got in there and realized it wasn't an enhancement, they expected me not to pray to Christ at all, only God. It started to feel very wrong. Only heard the things of Christ at general conference but learned nothing of him otherwise at church. If she has a Christian faith now, eventually she will notice His absence. Don't know how long it wil take. I wish my own family would have tried harder to keep me from joining but in the end it was my own fault. To answer your question I got a book from Deseret about Emma's life and her having to put up with polygamy. The god I knew wouldn't have hated his daughters that way. It was the beginning of the end



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 02/01/2011 12:42PM by suckafoo.

thank you for your response. something you said has given me hope. You said that if she has a christian faith she will notice Christ's absence. she does have a christian faith. Maybe that will get her out of mormonism someday. I feel like now I have done what I could, I have warned her and now I have to respect her decision even though I don't agree with it. Is your non mormon family supportive of you now?

They are very supportive, laluna. They are happy I'm out. But my family lives far away from me, so I don't really have them in a tangible way. Just be there for her. She, over time, is likely to feel what is missing before she can actually put her finger on it. What she is doing is placing individuals between her and her maker that were not there before and she will notice the additional layer is not useful.

I think many times it just comes up in conversation. Like you said, as if it's no big deal. I really have to wonder about a spouse or anyone close to someone who won't tell them the truth though. That's really scary.

It is. It would be somewhat like marrying a white supremist or mafia member without him fully revealing to you the extremism and slowly having it sink in after it's too late.

They're the liars and it isn't your fault.

You said, "I just thought my current faith would be enhanced." This is what I thought, too, suckafoo!!

I thought *Christ* would be Most Important in this church. Man, was I surprised. As someone else said, "gutted" is the perfect description.

I'm so sorry you're going through this pain. We're here for you.

Yeah, I thought the Church was kind of like a step up. It was like graduating from Kindergarden and landing in the University of religions. LOL I really thought that. How embarrassing now.

As an investigator, I was told that polygamy was practiced only briefly by a very few members, that this occurred over 100 years ago, and had no association at all with the current Mormon church.

They did not tell me that all of the first seven prophets practiced polygamy, some even after it was made illegal. They did not tell me that the church itself had documented a total of 34 wives of Joseph Smith, and other sources suggested many more. They did not tell me that the youngest was only 14 and did not realize what she was agreeing to. They did not tell me that 11 of the “wives” were already legal wives of other living men, and these “wives” were told to keep their relationship with Joseph a secret from their legal husbands.

And that’s before we ever get around to Brigham Young's 50+ wives, not to mention how he treated them!

Only RfMers can understand how terribly, terribly betrayed and duped I felt as I learned all this, as well as many, many other unpleasant truths about the church.

You are not alone, suckafoo!

Thank you for your way with words. Makes me feel everything is ok and I'm ok, so maybe I need to get up and dust myself off in this march ahead with you all who understand me because of going thru the same realizations. I swear, some days I am so over it like it never happened and then it all comes back again. I even tried to pretend I was never Mormon since it was only 8 years of my life and doesnt count.

WiserWomanNow and suckafoo.

I too as an Investigator was told by the Ward Missionary at the time that polygamy is 'IN THE PAST', WE DON'T KNOW WHY IT HAPPENED', 'BUT WE HAVE NOTHING TO WITH IT NOW', DON'T BE CONCERED!!'.

I didn't know he was LYING at the time. That lie cost me another few months in church until I found out different.

1. It's NOT in the past, It's current Temple Policy to do Spiritual Polygamous sealings(widowed mormon men to new earthly wives) while still sealed to their first wife in expectation of having two or more later in the New KingDUMB.

2. Mormon widowed women are NOT allowed to seal additional earthly husbands in the same way if still sealed to first deceased one. The church expects them to LDS Theologically wise to marry for adulterous/fornicatory reasons only and then JOIN UP with the REAL ETERNAL HUSBAND later in Celestial KingDUMB!

Does this even make sense to allow widowed LDS females to remarry if they really believe their original marriage is eternal??

3. The LDS church has Everything to do with Polygamy and my Bishop ( not technically mine but the Ward one) after 18 months conceded privately to me that YES POLYGAMY IS THE FUTURE and that he expects to be taking on more wives! lol

He even said that he tries to dicuss this with his wife BUT she tears her hair out and won't discuss it!!!

A few weeks later I was out for good.

Thanks to the Internet, Richard Packham, RFM, Bob Mcue, Mike Norton, Sam the Utahnite and many others I was able to educate myself the truth about the LDS church and Polygamy was just one of MANY other LDS lies.

For a long while I felt like I had my solar plexus blown out. It helped to my my hand firmly but gently over it and breath until I felt put back together again. I did that a lot for a while. Might help.

Your feelings are absolutely normal after finding out that people that you trusted lied to you.

The thing is, since LDS doctrine is in a constant state of flux, nobody really knows that the "church" teaches. Things that were important 20 years ago, or even 10 years ago, are now completely ignored. The church goes to great lengths to remove things that are embarrassing from their teachings.

Personally, I wasn't angry at my friends and family for lying to me. I was, and still am to some extent, angry at the leaders of TSCC for their pattern of systematic lies and cover-ups over the years. It's obvious that they know the truth and go to great lengths to cover it up.

The "church" is really just a corporation. Once you see it for what it is, most people want to help their families and friends to see the truth, but there really isn't a lot you can do.

In time your feelings of anger and betrayal will pass, or ast least ease. You will eventually learn to trust people again but you will be more careful (trust but verify).

Good luck to you.

And so many of them are rarely talked about anymore (like being a God of your own planet).

I've heard that some younger members of the church haven't even heard this stuff. They used to teach the weirdest stuff openly in the 70s.

I guess what I'm trying to say, is that I wouldn't take it as a personal betrayal by your spouse. I think that sometimes people just focus on the basics with converts, not realizing that some of the lesser discussed doctrines (like eventual Godhood) WOULD be deal breakers for some people. I think they just assume that you join, and you fill in the rest of the blanks later.

But that creates a problem for you. I do think you need to discuss this with the spouse. Nobody told you that you were signing up for eventual Godhood when you got baptized. And if you really don't believe in the church anymore, you're going to have to redefine yourself and you have every right to do so. But I would recommend going slow. I highly recommend Steven Hassan's advice on getting people out of cults (yep, the LDS church is one).

You didn't say if you have kids. I won't lie, it's a real test of a marriage when one (or both spouses) leave the church.

Maybe you can study with stuff WITH your husband, and ask for HIM to find a good explanation for the polygamy stuff. Ask him to help you find where you've misunderstood what was going on. (The idea being that you get HIM to start thinking and researching).

Best of luck. Sorry you got suckered in. I spent the first 34 years of my life in the church. I was completely suckered. I actually BELIEVED the godhood bit and was looking forward to creating worlds. Geez.

Later when things are clear we say "I should have . . . . " Well, it wasn't that clear at the time. Cheryl is right. You were lied to, if not by commission, then by omission. While you are going through the grief of this, treat yourself kindly.

I was told the barest essentials. I joined.

When I found out the real deal, I left.

If they had told me all the crap up front and been honest, who knows, I mighta joined. But I hate the bait and switch.

The LDS church is a master at the old bait-and-switch. I guess you could say they're master bait-and-switchers, or just master baiters for short. ;)

What can one do about the past? Nothing

(unless you are the LDS Church, in which case you can 'adjust' the past)

But for us mere mortals, all we can do is learn from our mistakes.

You are not the first person to make a right royal cock up.
But you've already put that right by resigning. You are one of the lucky ones, YOU'RE OUT! Ta da....

before I converted. Not very well apparently, as I never heard aboue HM or God being aformer Mortal man with a promotion.
I really laid into the local mission president after finding this out, saying it was inexcusiable to leave these points out. He gave me 'milk before meat". I told him as a Christian, I already had the meat.
I'm pissed and very hurt. This has shaken several beliefs I had to the point I doubt all faith now.
I could care less about polygamy. It seldom works, usually hurts the women and children, but its a preditor's wonderland.

I think they hope they sucked your brain and replaced it with marbles by the time they pull out some of this other stuff.

Either he's lying or he's not paying attention.

I suppose that many Mormon's like to pretend that they don't belive in 'Heavenly Mother', but it's offical and it's widely published.

http://lds.org/library/display/0,4945,105-1-11-1,00.html

"The Family - A Proclamation to the World,
...All human beings—male and female—are created in the image of God. Each is a beloved spirit son or daughter of heavenly parents, and, as such, each has a divine nature and destiny. Gender is an essential characteristic of individual premortal, mortal, and eternal identity and purpose...
This proclamation was read by President Gordon B. Hinckley as part of his message at the General Relief Society Meeting held September 23, 1995, in Salt Lake City, Utah."

You'll find the same wording repeated in a 2008 General Conference speach here,
http://lds.org/general-conference/2008/10/celestial-marriage?lang=eng

Makes it easy to find when needed.

Thank you, I will save these links. I think withholding information then trying to work around having to answer the questions asked is equivalent to lieing for me. What hurt was that he used the same sales tactics I've heard other ex Mormons say were used on them (from this board), and he repeated them to me, his wife. He said this morning he can tell I'm upset and I kept denying (yes, that's kind of like lieing too) but I eventually broke down, so we had this fight on the phone where I said a bunch of things I should not have said, and then now he thinks I owe him and his family an apology, and I said when hell freezes over. So there you have it.

... all the things I didn't tell all the converts I had in the SF Bay Area. Sick to think that some may still be living in all those lies and deceits.

I baptized way to many in the Bay Area between 79-81, and would be delighted to know that you've all exited (hopefully sooner than myself).

...Why the church isn't more honest in teaching the truth when teaching new investigators...I kind you not...these are his exact words.

"ha ha Craig, if we taught the truth no one would join the church"

You are proof of that...but seriously no one would join the church if they were given all of the truth behind Mormonism.

In fact if missionaries taught the real foundational stories of Mormonism as they actually occured rather than how the church wished they occured...very few would join the church...it would be so blantantly exposed as a fraud.

And even though it was presented as a lesson, it was done at a bishop's fireside meeting on a Wednesday with all the YW & YM. I recall that I was a beehive, so only 12 years old.
That makes it around 1990 or so.

We were told all the glorious details, and when he got to the part about our own worlds, I looked up from the paper I was doodling, and asked if we had to make the people human?
Because I was/am a big ElfQuest nut, and I instantly thought of making elves instead of or alongside humans.

EVERYONE in the room INSTANTLY said something disparaging!
It was a hubbub of people saying things like "Reality check!" "Duh, humans only" "Get your head out of the clouds" "She's not mature enough for this lesson", etc etc etc.


Clearly the elves were nicer and more accepting than these nasty humans. I sulked.

Ahahahahahahahahaha!