Leaving the Mormon church can create a void. A new exmo might feel lost and lonely and thankfully RfM is here to provide support and help newbies know they're not alone.

BUT, I want to caution exmos that part of recovery is to learn to get along in the real world. That means eventually learning to make some non-Mormon friends and working out ways to deal with life's challenges which might have been cushioned or hidden by being a Mormon.

Exmos on the internet aren't always available to help someone move, provide hot dishes, or home visits. Being recovered might mean making other arrangements. We have to figure out how to move our own furniture and think ahead to have food in the freezer if we're going away for an anticipated hospital stay. We have to gradually learn to reach out to nevermos and find people who share our interests.

I don't think we're fully recovered if we haven't learned to get along without a build-in community and I don't think it's the job of RfMers to provide that. It's up to us as individuals to possibly become more flexible and self-reliant.

Are there ways you've learned to do this?

I remember feeling lost and lonely when I first left the morg. My new husband and I moved to another state where we didn't know anyone and we had no family support or counsel to help us. I didn't have a baby shower for my pregnancy because I didn't have close friends in the new location. I just managed as best I could.

For the second baby, I did have friends who threw a shower and couple of them brought food. Whatever support I received was purely whipped cream and a cherry on top because by then I knew DH I could make it on our own. I think that spirit of self reliance is a credible goal and a valid part of recovery from Mormonism.

This doesn't mean you should reject your RfM friends as part of your recovery. I have some I plan to keep forever.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2013 03:37PM by Cheryl.

"We have to figure out how to move our own furniture"

Haha. For sure we do.

Getting along without a "built-in community" is also a good life plan. Anything over and above that is the cherry on top, as you say, Cheryl.

I wasn't BIC so didn't grow up with that expectation from any group, especially church, that they would instantly be there to help out. Rather, we learned to do things for ourselves and if we needed help we paid for it (i.e., professional movers) or if we were lucky friends did help out but it was never an expectation and we didn't often ask.

It does come across as strange to a non-BIC that people expect others in their faith to answer their life needs. I know that some Mormon men are busy every weekend helping other families as in larger wards someone is always moving.

Recovery from Mormonism doesn't mean finding the first group you come across and switching allegiance, and expectations, to them, which sometimes it does sound like some folks expect at first. It is definitely very difficult to change attitudes and expectations, I imagine, when that is the way you've been trained. It is a giant step even to see RfM posters as a large mass of individuals rather than a conglomerate, all thinking and doing the same.

Likewise, being friends doesn't mean, to me, that you ask for favours that are better left to non-friends/professionals to do, or that you have huge expectations about each other that tend to weigh the other person down.

There is a lot to be said for being independent, in my view, self-sufficient. That way, when you are with a friend you are enjoying each other's company without expecting them to build your house, move your couch or dig your potatoes. Knowing they won't be sentenced to a weekend of hard labour on your behalf keeps the relationship at the level it should be, nobody leaning too hard on anybody else. We all have our own life stuff to deal with. For me at least that means trying hard not to impose mine on the other person.

Of course, it's natural to want to whine and cry and shout about life's hills and valleys. Friends can be there to listen to each other, up to a reasonable point. But there have to be good times too. A majority of good times, here's hoping.

PS: I forgot to say that regarding asking favours, I had an encounter with the missionaries recently and uncharacteristically, because I was desperate, I responded to their ubiquitous query "Is there anything we can do for you?" in the affirmative, against my better judgement.

Never go against your better judgement! Of course, it didn't work out so well. Why did I do that, I keep asking myself. Talk about continually inflicting my own wounds.

But. Story for another day.

Moral of it: Hire working people. No friends. No missionaries. Especially not missionaries from a church you are trying to forget you ever knew. Not even their fault, some/most of it. But sheesh.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/06/2013 12:42PM by Nightingale.

"Recovery from Mormonism doesn't mean finding the first group you come across and switching allegiance, and expectations, to them"

Yes. It means it is time to switch allegiance to yourself and switch expectations to you own self reliance, and then appreciating those things that others do for you as the jewels that they are--kindness of humans with no strings attached.

And then follows the joy of doing for others yourself, just because you want to, not because the Morg expects it.

^ nailed it

Very well said and much appreciated.

So true! However as a TBM I, or I should say my TBH, was alway on the giving end. Constantly helping someone move in, setting up for girls camp, going to a bishopric meetings on Sunday and Wednesday, the list goes on and on and I was at home with 4 kids hardly ever seeing him. Family congratulated me when he was put into the bishopric and a sweet lady laughed and told me now you get to take care of all 4 kids in sacrament meeting. He was always stretched for time from work alone and I didnt want him to accept the calling. My TBM SIL had previously had a husband in the bishopric and she took it upon herself to write me a letter of how wonderful it was to have a husband in the bishopric and I would love it too. I felt so much shame in actually having some limits and wanting time with my husband. Why were my burdens not lightened by the Lord. With kids in tow and a nursing baby I can't tell you how many times I left in tears being completely overwhelmed! I complained a lot and it was a dreadful 2 years of our marriage but he came around and saw that it wasn't the right thing to do. So now I am so much happier because I have my husband as my number 1 support which is a thousand times better then any ward!

which as you know is as it should be. Too many Mormon men have a problem with that concept.

RFM for me is an ongoing recovery. Sometimes I don't come here for months, then I find myself lapsing in my thinking and actions go back to the "old" ways and I come back here to for some recovery. Recovery for myself will be life long.

The helping with the moving, the meals, the Relief Society gatherings, those were all things to make us feel good about belonging to the group.

Real grown ups know how to take care of themselves and their own families without being co dependent on others or what others think. They may be co dependent within the family! (another story) Breaking away from the church for myself was learning how to depend on myself and being okay with that.

It was learning that trusting my judgement was best for me. The leaders don't want you to do that. Slowly you will find new friends and find it is a wonderful life away from the cult and all those "helpful" folks poking around in your things.

Great point! We were dreading having to find a new part-time babysitter for our kids. Stay at home LDS moms had always been available to us before. We lucked out by having plenty of nomo coworkers who passed on their recommendations. I do miss the cheaper rates, though! Haha

I've never understood the Mormon custom of spending numerous weekends helping people that you barely know to move. This takes a ridiculous amount of time away from family life.

As an older single woman, I've always moved myself. I've packed my own boxes and either taken them to my new home or hired a truck to do so. Nevermos might recruit family or a close friend or two to help them move, but that would be about it.

Nevermo neighbors might very well help out with a family emergency (casseroles, etc.) but that depends on how long and how well you know them.

As a single, I think it's important to do activities on your own, even if a friend isn't available to accompany you. I've gone to movies, concerts, etc. on my own at times. It felt a bit strange at first, but now I'm used to it. And it feels good to know that I can go out whenever I want to, just because I want to.

"It feels good to know that I can go out whenever I want to, just because I want to."

Not good to be dependent on "cult" members when you can depend on your own good sense and resourcefulness.