Dictionary.com defines guilt as "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined."
You wrote that you feel "terrible guilt" and feel "like a huge failure." Concerning the latter, I'd like to point out that at age 17 you mustered the courage and inner strength to leave the dishonest and manipulative LDS Church. There are more than 14.7 million people, most of them adults, who have not done what you have. Based on the evidence, I have to disagree with you that you're "a huge failure." On the contrary, I'd say that you've done a remarkable thing for yourself. Going to college is also a significant achievement.
Back to your feeling of guilt - you might want to seek out professional counseling to address it, as well as your other issues. I imagine that there will be a doctor and/or nurse on your college campus who could recommend someone to you.
You might be interested in the writings of Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a psychotherapist in CA who pioneered the study of self-esteem decades ago. On his website (nathanielbranden.com) he says:
"Our Urgent Need for Self-Esteem
"What is Self-Esteem?
"Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves. That judgment impacts every moment and every aspect of our existence. Our self-evaluation is the basic context in which we act and react, choose our values, set our goals, meet the challenges that confront us. Our responses to events are shaped in part by whom and what we think we are – our self-esteem.
"Competent to Cope
"Self-esteem is the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It consists of two components: 1) self-efficacy, or confidence in our ability to think, learn, choose, and make appropriate decisions; and 2) self-respect, or confidence in our right to be happy; and in the belief that achievement, success, friendship, respect, love and fulfillment are appropriate to us.
"The basic challenges of life include such fundamentals as being able to earn a living and take independent care of oneself in the world; being competent in human relationships, so that our interactions with others are, more often than not, mutually satisfying; and having the resilience that allows one to bounce back from adversity and persevere in one’s aspirations.
"To say that self-esteem is a basic human need is to say that it is essential to normal and healthy development. It has survival value. Lacking positive self-esteem, psychological growth is stunted. Positive self-esteem operates, in effect, as providing resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration. When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life’s problems is diminished. We tend to be more influenced by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy; negatives have more power over us than positives. If we do not believe in ourselves — neither in our efficacy nor in our goodness (and lovability) — the world is a frightening place.
"To women who are throwing off traditional gender roles, fighting for emotional and intellectual autonomy, pouring in escalating numbers into the workplace, starting their own business, invading one formerly male bastion after another, challenging millennium-old prejudices – self-esteem is indispensable. To be sure, it is not all that is needed for success, but without it the battle cannot be won.
"For women and men alike, if we do have a realistic confidence in our mind and value, if we feel secure within ourselves, we tend to respond appropriately to challenges and opportunities. Self-esteem empowers, energizes, motivates. It inspires us to achieve and allows us to take pleasure and pride in our achievements."
(Ref.
http://www.nathanielbranden.com/discussions/self-esteem/our-urgent-need-for-self-esteem/)
Dr. Branden has written extensively about self-esteem. If you're interested, his books and mp3's are listed at
http://www.nathanielbranden.com/shop/As a child, teenager, and young adult, I used to feel chronically guilty and quite anxious. I didn't know it at the time but I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the conflict-ridden and abusive environment in the home I grew up in and abuses I experienced during the mission experience for the untruthful LDS Church (in an impoverished Third World country).
I was 28 when I began in earnest to heal holistically - physically, mentally, emotionally, and 'soulfully'. I had graduated from college a few years earlier and worked, but had to set my career aside to attend to my healing. Having tried the standard, Western medical route to address my health problems, and finding it just didn't work for me, I went with holistic medical professionals (e.g., naturopaths, herbalists) and through self-study, a lot of reflection and much meditation, I explored my psyche/mind extensively.
By the time I was finished that part of my healing journey, my physical health problems were resolved and my formerly wounded psyche was significantly healed. And my self-esteem was much better (I found Dr. Branden's books and recordings to be very useful, and also used self-hypnosis recordings from Barrie Konicov of FL - ref.
http://www.potentialsunlimited.com/).
Each person's healing journey is unique; what works for one individual isn't necessarily the right thing for everyone. If you're committed to addressing your issue and healing your psyche, you will. It does take effort and resilience, but aren't you worth it? I imagine that you believe that you are.
Ihe idea that you're being punished is in your mind, not reality. There is no 'God' out there, somewhere, with his/her/its finger on the button, waiting for you to make a mistake and let you have it. LDS nonsense about 'divine' punishments is part of cultic Mormon 'programming' - and you can use your mind to jettison that stupid and hurtful Latter-day Saint idea.
You have the right to always think for yourself and choose your beliefs, based on what your needs and wishes are. What goes on in your mind is ultimately your responsibility.
I hope at least some of this info. is of value to you. Feel free to let us know how you're doing. People here care.
Best wishes!