Hi
This is my first time posting.I left the church when I was 17 after being in it all my life...my mother had left the previous year and I had stayed as I think I had to as my father had never joined the church and then my mother had left I had been told that we would not be together in the next life. I think I thought if I stayed in the church and was a good little Mormon It would somehow make a difference ....I have always felt full of guilt since leaving the church due to inappropriate advance from a member of the bishopric (then in charge of the young women) towards me at the age of 17..I suffer terrible anxiety and have never been able to be involved intimately with anyone despite being in a relationship for 4years which broke up 2years ago.my college life has been on a go slow and I find it hard to pass exams.....sometimes I feel like I am being punished. I feel numb most days and when I do feel anything it is just terrible guilt and feeling like a huge failure...I look around and see all my friends in work with so much confidence in there body image and how they look and look at myself who feels so awkward and ashamed of my body.
I don't know what to do but I just feel numb all the time and can't see any way out .i feel like I'm just wasting away my life waiting for punishments for leaving the church.
Has anyone ever felt this way particularly with sex.

I was molested by the previous bishop when I was 14. My parents stayed TBM -but I moved out when I was 17 and put myself through college as I slowly dated returned missionaries and then moved on to non members. I got married when I was 21 to a catholic from NJ.

You have to decide to let go of the guilt and shame. You have to be brave and willing to make mistakes and gracefully recover and learn from them. I like to think I did it so others can. I know we are not all wired the same. Still I want to give you permission to not be perfect and still know you are worthy of love. I want you to embrace adventure and new chaalenges and find the resilience in the face of disappointments. Life can suck sometimes but there are wonderful moments to keep moving forward for. Afterlife preoccupations just get in the way of living well today.

You are probably feeling like a failure because the church has taught it is always right and true. So if you deny this you may feel like you failed to achieve those goals.

When your mind and your brain finally accept that none of it is true then you will know that you totally failed to be a cult member or lemming and failed to be a puppet for life.
But you did not fail in seeing thru the smoke and mirrors and you did rise above the holds the church had on you. Therefore you did not fail you rose above.

Don't measure yourself on a false cult's rules or expectations. Measure yourself on your accomplishments from investigation, learning, and support from others who found the real truth.

The way I look at it is I failed to measure up to the church too but I see that as a positive thing. That means I know what real truth is and what false statements are and I choose my own true path. Once you accept you undoubtedly failed the cult and realize that is a good thing, it will be easier to join the real world and build new friendships along the way.

+1 Good reply. Haven't thought of it that way. You are so correct.

YOU are Amazing!!!

Don't forget that... :)

I really want to thank you both for your supportive messages..this is the first time I have ever spoke not to any ex members of the church and I'm really glad I found this website...you are all amazing and so brave ....I have been reading other stories and posts and I can't believe how strong everyone is and how wonderfully supportive of everyone.this is a wonderful site.

I really need you guys to know how much I look up to you for being so strong and not being scared or ashamed to talk about bad things that happened in the church and how good it is of you to put yourself out there and help people by telling your stories about painful subject and incidents in the church
You are amazing

AMelie,

You have a conscience and a brain. These are your proofs that God intended you to live your OWN life and make your own decisions. Anyone who tries to take that away from you is not godly.

You can see why a corporation posing as a church would want people to believe they are failures if they leave. To them, you are just a carrot that they need to dangle in front of the missionaries to keep them obeying, to keep them in line. They were using you.

And you put a stop to it by turning your back and walking away.

This shows your integrity and personal strength. The emptiness you feel is your INDIVIDUAL personality that was dwarfed by Mormonism's domination. Your life needs to be filled with new experiences and the exploration of your own interests, making new "real" friends. As you have these experiences (which you would have already had), your confidence will grow.

You are one of those wonderful people to whom truth actually matters. This marks you as a quality person and you deserve to be surrounded by people with good character like you have.

The people you see around you are just ahead of you socially due to you spending time in a cult. That's all. It's a big adjustment but I promise you, as you get used to listening to your own conscience and your own intuition, you will wonder why you ever thought 15 old guys could tell you how to live your life.

If you are still religious, I suggest finding a small community church - NOT evangelical, but service oriented. Working together with volunteers from a non-profit or a church will give you good people to rub shoulders with. Make the effort to find a volunteer opportunity that you really care about. Walk dogs that are waiting to be adopted, read to kindergarteners at school, work in a soup kitchen. Visit these sites until you "feel" like you've found the right spot for you. This is good practice for you to develop your ability to listen to your own inner wisdom.

You might check online at postmormon.org and see if there are any exmormon groups meeting near you.

Hugs and best wishes. You are so lucky to get out so young so you still have your whole life ahead of you.

Best

Anagrammy

Go to your college health service. They will have mental health counselors to talk to who understand the transitions college age people are going through. If you need more than that the can refer you to a professional

There is no shame in asking for some help and it will help.

Some church members are wolves in sheep's clothing, wish we all had a nickle for every time we've heard such stories.
It was not your fault the jerk targeted you.

You and your mother did the right thing by leaving the craziness that is Mormonism.

Shedding the brainwashing can cause some anxiety but this will eventually disappear.
I think you will be fine.

I have never been so overwhelmed in my life as I am now...everything you said anagrammy ,it has lifted me up and I feel so ready to take the world on ...I think my heart is shaking... Ha ha.....I never once thought about leaving the church that way.... I always felt it was because I wasn't good enough or strong enough or worthy enough to be in the church and now I feel so much more empowered that I DID see the truth and the wrong doings and did not just cover them up or not react.... But I left!!!....

I have never felt so strong as I do now or alive as I do!!im so happy that I posted ....I'm from Ireland so it seems every member here knows everyone else and it can be very claustrophobic as I see at least two of them every day and I feel so ashamed in their presence ,like they pity me but now I pity them....

I am so pleased that you can now see the truth of your own beauty and power!

They say that once an delusion is seen through, it can never return.

I idolized Mormonism and admired --almost worshipped -- the family that fellowshipped me into the church. Then a couple of years later this same "wonderful" man got up in testimony meeting and said, "I never liked Anagrammy, she was so glib and always had the words...then he described how he changed his mind when I baked some bread for his wife."

I was stunned realizing that their whole friendship with me was AN ACT! They were PERFORMING? It wasn't real. They pretended to like me so I would join their church.

Likewise, every person who shuns you now was PRETENDING to be your friend. They are not worthy of your friendship because you would never do that. Their love depends upon you agreeing with them and this is not the respect that is the foundation of real friendship.

I want to add that if you believe in God, he is PROUD of you for dumping these imposters who use his name but do not follow or teach his teachings.


Anagrammy

Congratulations! You are as brave as anyone out there, especially because you are leaving by yourself! I left with my children and husband. My daughter was molested by the bishop's son,at a ward campout, and everyone who witnessed it, and heard her screams, was threatened not to tell. A creepy guy in the stake presidency came on to me, and when I kicked him off of me, he accosted another single woman, a few weeks later.

The thing is, these evil men make you believe that it is somehow YOUR fault. They want to put the blame on someone else. I promise you, it is not your fault! Even if he seduces you into a dark corner or into his car, even if you are wearing something "provocative" even if you are a friendly person--it is not your fault!

The Mormon cult wants to put the blame on someone else, too. It is not your fault the church is a hoax! Polygamy, lies, what Joseph Smith did, Prop 8, The Mall--it is not your fault!

You are above being a cult member. Something didn't feel right, and you were strong and smart enough to follow your heart.

"To follow the heart is the truest wisdom" --Leo Tolstoy.

You have a bright future ahead of you, if you continue to listen to your heart and your intuition. (Cults teach that intuition and investigating the facts are bad traits.) Hold your head high!

Your symptoms seem a lot like PTSD. Read up on it. Try to get therapy (non-Mormon therapist) to get you through this bad experience. I was raped at BYU, and needed a lot of help getting over it, and getting over the idea that it had something to do with what I said or did. He had other victims.

It might help your recovery, to report this man. You are worth having him pay. He should not be married. He should not have a church position. However, let me warn you, that the Mormon cult is a "good ol' boys' club," and the men seem to support each other, even in foul deeds like this. This is no longer part of our lives, and it feels good to rise above it all and move on.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 09/21/2013 08:49PM by forestpal.

Hello Amelie,

I am so proud of you for voicing all your experiences here. You have been through some terrible experiences (the advance by the #$%@* member of the bishopric)and the incredible feelings of responsibility you have felt from tscc.

I agree with the previous poster that a few sessions with a counsellor would be highly beneficial, to address the sexual abuse by the IDIOT bishopric member (an yes as it was inappropriate, it is sexual abuse), as well as all the other issues you have experienced.

I am a mother of 2 daughters and have 3 grandaughters, and I know how difficult it is for females in the church to get away from the guilt and formularisation of their lives. Be assured my dear you can do, and as anagrammy says, you have a mind, a god created intelligence, you can and are using it VERY well. You are a VERY normal young woman dealing with some VERY adnormal circumstances. A little help at this time is all you need to soar above your problems.

Take care my dear, and I send my love and support.

Amelie:

I just wanted to tell you something. St8 up. Its all random. Life is random. No destiny, no preordination, no big wizard in the sky. Life is what YOU make it.

Religions always like to take credit for the nice things in life. They always say glory to God when something wonderful happens. However, whenever something terrible happens like the tornado in Oklahoma last spring that killed those little children in the school, the religious folks say..."the Lord works in mysterious ways".

To that, I say "BULLSH_T" Its all random.

Take control of your life and live it. Enjoy every minute of it. Savor your food, view a sunrise, smell the pines, enjoy a simple conversation with anyone. Relish all the small things in life that we ignore so easily. You are alive. Its good to just live. You only have one life, make it a good one.

I freely admit to falling short of Mormon "standards." I'm a terrible liar and don't like being told what and how to think.

Considering that Mormons are lying brainwashed puppets, I'm happy to fall short.

Amelie, we are here to support you. You did not let the church down, it let you down! Your worth as a person is so much greater than anything those dried up, grumpy old men could promise you.

I want you to march yourself over to the student health services building at your university. The people who work there are very kindly and they will want to help you. Please see a physician and a counselor. You need help, you deserve help, and by golly, you are going to get some help!

Also, I really feel that you would benefit from some college courses in women's studies and human sexuality. Please see if your university offers such courses.

Please update us often and let us know how you are doing.

Dictionary.com defines guilt as "a feeling of responsibility or remorse for some offense, crime, wrong, etc., whether real or imagined."

You wrote that you feel "terrible guilt" and feel "like a huge failure." Concerning the latter, I'd like to point out that at age 17 you mustered the courage and inner strength to leave the dishonest and manipulative LDS Church. There are more than 14.7 million people, most of them adults, who have not done what you have. Based on the evidence, I have to disagree with you that you're "a huge failure." On the contrary, I'd say that you've done a remarkable thing for yourself. Going to college is also a significant achievement.

Back to your feeling of guilt - you might want to seek out professional counseling to address it, as well as your other issues. I imagine that there will be a doctor and/or nurse on your college campus who could recommend someone to you.

You might be interested in the writings of Dr. Nathaniel Branden, a psychotherapist in CA who pioneered the study of self-esteem decades ago. On his website (nathanielbranden.com) he says:

"Our Urgent Need for Self-Esteem

"What is Self-Esteem?

"Of all the judgments we pass in life, none is more important than the judgment we pass on ourselves. That judgment impacts every moment and every aspect of our existence. Our self-evaluation is the basic context in which we act and react, choose our values, set our goals, meet the challenges that confront us. Our responses to events are shaped in part by whom and what we think we are – our self-esteem.

"Competent to Cope

"Self-esteem is the experience of being competent to cope with the basic challenges of life and of being worthy of happiness. It consists of two components: 1) self-efficacy, or confidence in our ability to think, learn, choose, and make appropriate decisions; and 2) self-respect, or confidence in our right to be happy; and in the belief that achievement, success, friendship, respect, love and fulfillment are appropriate to us.

"The basic challenges of life include such fundamentals as being able to earn a living and take independent care of oneself in the world; being competent in human relationships, so that our interactions with others are, more often than not, mutually satisfying; and having the resilience that allows one to bounce back from adversity and persevere in one’s aspirations.

"To say that self-esteem is a basic human need is to say that it is essential to normal and healthy development. It has survival value. Lacking positive self-esteem, psychological growth is stunted. Positive self-esteem operates, in effect, as providing resistance, strength, and a capacity for regeneration. When self-esteem is low, our resilience in the face of life’s problems is diminished. We tend to be more influenced by the desire to avoid pain than to experience joy; negatives have more power over us than positives. If we do not believe in ourselves — neither in our efficacy nor in our goodness (and lovability) — the world is a frightening place.

"To women who are throwing off traditional gender roles, fighting for emotional and intellectual autonomy, pouring in escalating numbers into the workplace, starting their own business, invading one formerly male bastion after another, challenging millennium-old prejudices – self-esteem is indispensable. To be sure, it is not all that is needed for success, but without it the battle cannot be won.

"For women and men alike, if we do have a realistic confidence in our mind and value, if we feel secure within ourselves, we tend to respond appropriately to challenges and opportunities. Self-esteem empowers, energizes, motivates. It inspires us to achieve and allows us to take pleasure and pride in our achievements."

(Ref. http://www.nathanielbranden.com/discussions/self-esteem/our-urgent-need-for-self-esteem/)

Dr. Branden has written extensively about self-esteem. If you're interested, his books and mp3's are listed at http://www.nathanielbranden.com/shop/

As a child, teenager, and young adult, I used to feel chronically guilty and quite anxious. I didn't know it at the time but I was suffering from Post Traumatic Stress Disorder due to the conflict-ridden and abusive environment in the home I grew up in and abuses I experienced during the mission experience for the untruthful LDS Church (in an impoverished Third World country).

I was 28 when I began in earnest to heal holistically - physically, mentally, emotionally, and 'soulfully'. I had graduated from college a few years earlier and worked, but had to set my career aside to attend to my healing. Having tried the standard, Western medical route to address my health problems, and finding it just didn't work for me, I went with holistic medical professionals (e.g., naturopaths, herbalists) and through self-study, a lot of reflection and much meditation, I explored my psyche/mind extensively.

By the time I was finished that part of my healing journey, my physical health problems were resolved and my formerly wounded psyche was significantly healed. And my self-esteem was much better (I found Dr. Branden's books and recordings to be very useful, and also used self-hypnosis recordings from Barrie Konicov of FL - ref. http://www.potentialsunlimited.com/).

Each person's healing journey is unique; what works for one individual isn't necessarily the right thing for everyone. If you're committed to addressing your issue and healing your psyche, you will. It does take effort and resilience, but aren't you worth it? I imagine that you believe that you are.

Ihe idea that you're being punished is in your mind, not reality. There is no 'God' out there, somewhere, with his/her/its finger on the button, waiting for you to make a mistake and let you have it. LDS nonsense about 'divine' punishments is part of cultic Mormon 'programming' - and you can use your mind to jettison that stupid and hurtful Latter-day Saint idea.

You have the right to always think for yourself and choose your beliefs, based on what your needs and wishes are. What goes on in your mind is ultimately your responsibility.

I hope at least some of this info. is of value to you. Feel free to let us know how you're doing. People here care.

Best wishes!

When corporations or individuals take advantage of others and hurt them from their position of power it is common feel at fault. given some of what leaders in the church have said on this reinforces that 'blame the victim' mentality your plight is not uncommon.

first order of business is to remember it's not your fault when others are acting like dicks.

you are in charge of you like they are in charge of them, so decide to take charge of your life and leave that in the past. Then it will get better.

You are so right about this.....I think that deep down I know this but the church conditions and manipulates everyone into thinking that they are right......maybe that is the reason your life is controlled and is planned around church activities where they can further control you with others in the church....
I'm glad that I have received so much advice ...I have not stopped thinking about this all day ....
The feelings of love and the "spirit" that I supposedly felt in the church can not even be compared to how I felt today reading these messages.....I felt more love and acceptance here than in my years in the church where I just felt unworthy of my life....thank you all for that.

You are very brave and already at 17 have shown a huge amount of courage. I hope that you will give yourself a big hug for this and know that your are so o o worth it. I know others have said this to you, but it cannot be said too often.

I also have suffered from PTSD, and I do think your symptoms are similar. Sexual abuse is so invasive, and I found counseling very, very helpful. You are way ahead of where I was when I began counseling because you are vocal and telling others about what happened to you. The knowledge and training and experience of a counselor would be a bonus for you in my opinion.

I cannot tell you how freeing and wonderful it is to be out of the mormoney cult and be free from the restraints and magical thinking it imposes on life. I was in a lot of ways my own person when I was in the cult, and to hear what they insisted was so important to do and what I needed to obey, put my mind in a spin. The carrot on the end of the stick for me that they offered was eternal life; that they positevely knew death was not the end for us. But....all of the rules they required so boggled my mind and most of them just seemed dumb or trivial and sometimes unchristian to me. And so, my journey and investigation began.

I wish you the best as you begin this important journey in your life. Keep following your instinct and search for what makes you happy in life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 09/22/2013 06:41PM by presleynfactsrock.

I was curious to know if there were any other people from Ireland on here. I'm sure there are others but you're the only one I've found! I'm sorry to here you've had such a bad experience both at church and since leaving the church.

I too have been a member all my life and had never doubted the church until this year. This led me to start searching for others who were having similar doubts to me. I came across the mormonthink.com website and found some great information. At first glance I thought that the information just couldn't be true, but the more I read the more I came to realise that the whole thing is based on lies.

The reason I bring this up is because I find it quite comforting to know that as the church is not what it claims to be, I don't have to feel guilty if I don't go to church, pay my tithing, go home teaching, perform my callings or do any other church related thing I don't want to do.

You don't actually say in the thread if you do or don't believe if the church is true or if you are somewhere in the middle. If you're still somewhere in the middle I would suggest the mormonthink website (or this one! this is my first time on it so I'm not that familiar with it). This might help you with feeling like you're being punished. There is no justification for what happened to you in the church. You've done nothing wrong and definitely don't deserve any kind of punishment. And if the church isn't even true they have no right to judge you, make you feel guilty, or punish you in any way. Perhaps a discovery that Joseph Smith was a fraud would help you to let go of some of the feelings that you have?

I feel like I have to figure out who I am all over again. Everything I ever believed about God, the purpose of life, etc...has all been pulled out from under me. But somehow I feel like I have a fresh start. I read a really good book called '7 Habbits of Highly Effective People', which is ironically written by a mormon (who sadly passed away last year). The book isn't about religion though, but it really made me think about what's important to me in my life, and how I can focus on those things that are important to me in my life.

Hope this helps, however, I'm definitely no expert on any of this, perhaps talking to a professional about some of the feelings you have would be helpful?

I am doing my paper on women survivors of abuse. You have been given valid advice above. You can believe it. As you leave the alternate, crazy-making reality of the LDS belief system, continue to find healthy people who will listen and validate you. You are at risk for depression but you are also finding ways to prevent it and have a fulfilling life. Yes, learn to trust the valuable, smart person you are. When my valuable, smart daughter was 17, I didn't do a good job of listening. She is now 40 and suffered years of depression. Finally I'm listening, studying abuse, validating her - and she's getting better. You are younger and will be fine. My heart reaches out to you.

Amelie, if the guy was just a sick tool, don't let him control you from years ago.
It sounds like a bit of counselling, some time, and maybe some travel will have you fresh to go.

Body image, larger girl?
!
Trust me on this.
If you are female, 90% of the guys are interested in you.
If you smile, have a good personality and care for yourself, 98% of guys like you.
If that's your thing.

But true, you are you and your future. Make your own future!.
And sure, if you see these members in your day and travels, just say hi.
Eventually they will realize that You are on your own way.
Chances are they are not sure how to deal with you either and you showing you still accept them Night be the key to that part of the separation
Moving on is not unusual in LDS culture. And will happen more and more. Just say hi, and I'd hope they can say hi too, and all move on with it.

Go get em, you sound like you are ready to take control if your life.

Welcome to adulthood?

You are the exact opposite of a failure. to do what you did, and endure what you did, and have that strength to break away, especially at your young age is an amazing thing. It will take time, and as the others noted above, some professional help to break off those shackles that were on you your whole life. that kind of stuff doesn't go away overnight.

be patient with yourself, and allow yourself the necessary time to heal properly. although this is difficult and easier said than done, also try not to compare to others around you. they have had different experiences, and different stories, and not everyone is as confident as they appear. the only comparison you should ever do is to your former self, never another person. and in this case you can say, hey, look at me, i've been through hell and back and i'm making it, i've grown, i'm smarter. I survived.

and for what it's worth, loads and loads of young women struggle with body image, i work in health and fitness and see this all the time. you are not alone there at all unfortunately. hopefully in time you will come to see that you are beautiful and own those unique qualities that YOU have.

TSCC wants you to feel like a failure for leaving because they want you (well, the contents of your back account) back and will use their underhanded manipulative sales techniques to get you back. there are people out there that works on. you are stronger than that, better than that. life has good times, it has bad times, that's just how it is, with or without the cult.

continue to stay true to yourself, and don't judge yourself so harshly. you are an amazing and extraordinary human being. the darkest hour is just before the dawn. hugs to you.

I felt guilt and shame about natural feelings I had and some things I did that the Church tells you aren't right until I learned the truth and that they are not the moral North Star and are wrong about a lot of things and so can't be the true church, and even after I accepted that, I had a hard time coming out of the conditioning I had from the Church and my parents and family. It's difficult to find that fine line where you're doing what you know is OK while keeping it on the down-low of your family, and just because of their beliefs you will always feel a twinge of anxiety about things they don't find acceptable that you know are OK for you.

It's amazing how much the Church teaches you to be ashamed of and feel guilty about not doing it their way. They promise a lot but put unreasonable requirements on that and I've heard true-believing Mormons complain about how it seems impossible to get into the Celestial Kingdom with all the things the Church expects you to do. If you're still comparing your life to the Church's standards, you will always feel guilty until you do exactly as they say, and that keeps changing all the time. Your candle does not burn as theirs and there is something better for you and you already know that, you just haven't found it yet.

My advice is to find a counselor who you can honestly talk to about this (who isn't Mormon or sympathetic to them or even antagonistic to them) who can provide you with some perspective so you can stop casting yourself in the Mormon light and stop comparing yourself to them. I've had body image problems because of Church teachings too (and I'm a male), and it's taken years to become comfortable with myself and other people to enjoy myself with them in ways the Mormon church would never want you to. Nobody's expecting you to do or be certain things in your own life and they shouldn't be (unless you're a mother or something), and you need to hold your own candle to what makes sense and if you believe in God what God expects you to do and in your own mind you already know and I can make this assertion: to be happy and to help others be happy.

Amelie,

I love how you said this (above):
"you are all amazing and so brave ....

I really need you guys to know how much I look up to you for being so strong and not being scared or ashamed to talk about bad things that happened in the church and how good it is of you to put yourself out there and help people by telling your stories about painful subject and incidents in the church
You are amazing"

Oh, my dear! I do hope you can see that you are looking in the mirror!

All those qualities you admire in these strong and brave people are qualities that YOU have displayed. I know because I can see the same things in you that you see these other brave ones. I wanted to mention it because I just hope you can recognize in yourself those qualities that you love in them.


When I read what you wrote above, it sounded to me just like the "ugly duckling" admiring the "swans!"

When anagrammy wrote to you: "I am so pleased that you can now see the truth of your own beauty and power!" it seemed to me exactly what a "swan" would say when the "ugly duckling" finally sees her own reflection. :) That's a beautiful thing!


I hope it's exciting for you to accept that you are a person of real integrity - a quality the so-called prophets of LDS do not have.

I truly wish you well in your recovery. You have ALREADY succeeded in a very hard thing (leaving a cult), so I do hope you are able to release all those (false) feelings of failure you described. Swans should fly! :)

Amelie,

I'd encourage you to separate your feelings from your conclusions.

Instead of thinking something like, "I feel bad today. Boy, am I a failure," try to think, "I feel bad today, but that doesn't make me a failure (or a bad person)."

You might also add the following: "And the way I've been treated, it's o.k. to feel bad."

That's what I learned to do. It took awhile, but eventually I got the knack of it.

My advise is seek out a non Mormon mental health professional. What you have experience is someone who had authority over you took advantage of you. This is not your fault. I have not read through all of these great responses so if somebody has said something like this then great. I just know that when somebody in authority preys on someone who is not its an assault. You maybe suffering from depression and PTSD. It has a way of distorting reality. Its not something that even the most strong can just "get over". When something like that happens to an individual we are taught in the "morgue" that we are responsible. Not true, get help from a reputable female therapist.