Posted by:
forestpal
(
)
Date: October 08, 2013 05:43AM
I have been all of those, too.
I did it right. I graduated from BYU, and then married an RM in the temple (I was a virgin). He beat me, strangled me, and almost killed me, yet I tried to make it work, to honor the temple marriage, and also to not disgrace my family. I almost committed suicide, but decided to run away, get divorced, and face the wrath and misunderstanding of all the MOrmons in my limited Mormon world. I was not accepted as mainstream Mormon anymore, though I was really not at fault. I enjoyed dating the men in graduate school, who were more mature, and every interesting--scientists, mostly, a geologist, a doctor, a pilot, who were all "liberal" or "fringe" Mormons. With my divorce, I had accepted the fact that I might never be married again, and might never have children--but I was lucky to be alive! These were some of the happiest years of my life!
When I was almost 30, I reconnected with an old BYU boyfriend, and we wanted to get married in the temple, because we were both good, moral, faithful Mormons. TSCC would not allow me a temple clearance, because my wife-beater ex would not sign the "release form", out of spite. He was already remarried to another girl in the temple, he was proven in court (our divorce) to have committed assault on me and his own sister, but he prevented my temple marriage. My new husband was so angry, that he began investigating the Mormon church, and the inequality of men and women, and the temple rules, and what really went on in the temple, etc. We had several children, before my husband became inactive, and told me about the lies about Joseph Smith's wives, the BOM being fake, the B of A being fake, and that the temple rituals were borrowed from the Masons, so JS and the other polygamists could "marry" their wives. Sorry to digress, but I loved being a wife and mother! Except, we argued about that stupid religion all the time. Religion should not be an issue in a marriage. Skip ahead 15 years, and he moved us to Utah where we both had great jobs, and he left me for another woman.
After the shock of my husband leaving all of us--he said he didn't want children anymore--and the temporary financial setback--and the fear--and the self-pity--I was quite happy not having that grouchy little troll around the house, constantly criticizing me and our children, in order to build himself up, and ordering me around like a maid. Ah, being single is a LUXURY. IMO, the "doting husband" who is helpful and supportive might be a myth.
If people knew how happy I am being single, they would be jealous. I was never lonelier than when I was married--both times--isolated, unappreciated, unloved, taken for granted. Single people have more friends, because they depend on each other more. I know we laugh more than the married couples. There is a psychological scale of happiness levels, made from an extensive study:
The happiest person is a married man
Next happiest is a single woman
Next is the married woman
Last is the unmarried man.
Single women are happier than married women, according to the studies. We are living proof of that.
"It takes a village" to raise a child. I didn't have a husband (He's only seen the kids a few times, and only twice when they were school-age), but my parents visited us, and helped out, until they got too old. I have some great non-Mormon friends--some who are also single--and we help each other in a crisis. We have relatives who live near by, to give and receive support. Often, the married parents seemed to have more problems than the single parents.
You seem to have the desire and love to motivate you to adopt a child. You have 3-5 years to work on your career, and save money. You must afford a child financially. My ex did not pay alimony or child support (a jerk) but I sued him as often as I could. We did get, for no expense on his part, a great COBRA insurance plan from his work, which paid for braces on their teeth, dental work, a broken back, knee injuries, a broken leg, broken nose, cut lip, and for me an incurable disease I was always fighting. I highly recommend health insurance!
From babysitting to paper routes to retail sales, working at ski resorts, cooking--my children always had jobs. They earned enough for cars, which meant car insurance, and a few accidents. They worked and put themselves through the University of Utah, with my help, living at home, and taking the bus sometimes, and hobbling to class with injuries.
My children turned out great! They are loving and kind toward others, honest, have great careers, and have houses in our neighborhood. We are closer, I think, than most 2-parent families. There was one very rough time, when the Mormon priesthood leaders were abusing my sons. When they slept in after their early Sunday paper routes (they had two long ones), the leaders would barge into our house, pull the boys out of bed, throw them on the floor, and kick them, until they got up and got dressed (no shower). The men would kick them upstairs, and shove them into a car, drive them to church, and keep them in church the whole 3 hours. The other kids would laugh at their messy hair and sleepy eyes. I was not there, because I had to go early to play the organ, but when I found out about the abuse, I took all of my children out of church that same day. I have a hard time forgiving myself for putting my lovely children through torture every weekend, and week-nights, and Saturdays. It was painful to admit that there is no place for a single working mother in the Mormon church. Unless you understand this, you will be very disappointed with your experience. In fact, the Mormons will talk you out of it altogether.
The Mormons talk unmarried mothers into adopting their child away--away to a Mormon two-parent family, who will be more likely to keep the child within the confines of the church. Single mothers are extremely likely to leave. I certainly know why, because I was one who left.
To go against the Mormon machine, and do anything out of the ordinary, is to risk your testimony. I had the support of my Mormon family, because being a single mother was not my choice. My husband left me. I would not have gotten as much sympathy and support, if I had deliberately adopted a child, on my own.
You have given yourself a few years to think it over. Also, keep your eyes and ears open! Be aware of how single mothers are treated. Already, you are getting hints. Talk to your parents.
I would highly recommend staying single, and enjoying all the wonders the world has to offer. Babysit often, take your nieces, nephews, cousins, to the zoo, or to see Santa Claus. Our office does "Sub for Santa" every Christmas, which is fun. They don't have to be your own children, in order for you to enjoy them. Become a school teacher. I taught private piano lessons to little kids when I was at BYU, and taught swimming and tennis at a private summer school, and was a nanny in Italy one summer. You probably have more ideas than I do.
(((hugs))) Get a dog or cat, in the meantime. That's what my daughter did, who didn't meet her husband until she was 29.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 05:52AM by forestpal.