Recovery Board
: RfM
Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
There is something I am coming to terms with.
I'm a straight, newly exmo female and I cannot picture myself as somebody's wife. I don't know if I have it in me and I don't know if it is something that I want.
I can, however, picture myself as somebody's mom, and ya know what? I think that it's ok.
Being a mom and not being a wife appeals to me, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
If I want to adopt a child and raise him or her, what is the problem? It makes me mad that the church basically teaches that I, in and of myself, am *not enough* for a child.
So single parenting is hard, I hear. So? I can do hard things. I can enjoy doing hard, rewarding things. If that is what I want, who are they to tell me otherwise and deem it as unacceptable?
I want to adopt a kid in about 5-6 years and I am doing it.
I'm a straight, newly exmo female and I cannot picture myself as somebody's wife. I don't know if I have it in me and I don't know if it is something that I want.
I can, however, picture myself as somebody's mom, and ya know what? I think that it's ok.
Being a mom and not being a wife appeals to me, and I don't think there is anything wrong with that.
If I want to adopt a child and raise him or her, what is the problem? It makes me mad that the church basically teaches that I, in and of myself, am *not enough* for a child.
So single parenting is hard, I hear. So? I can do hard things. I can enjoy doing hard, rewarding things. If that is what I want, who are they to tell me otherwise and deem it as unacceptable?
I want to adopt a kid in about 5-6 years and I am doing it.
My brother is inactive, 62 and never married. For years Mom tried to push him to find a wife and he got close once but it didn't happen and she gave up.
Ron Burr
Ron Burr
I think we should throw away the cookie cutters, have our cake and eat it too.
There is not just one way to live a life.
It's okay to be single.
It's okay to be married and have children. The way that family chooses to support itself should be up to them.
It's okay to be married and not have children.
It's okay to have children and not be married.
As I see it the only thing that is not okay is to mindlessly have children if you are not dedicated to caring for them.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 12:24AM by releve.
There is not just one way to live a life.
It's okay to be single.
It's okay to be married and have children. The way that family chooses to support itself should be up to them.
It's okay to be married and not have children.
It's okay to have children and not be married.
As I see it the only thing that is not okay is to mindlessly have children if you are not dedicated to caring for them.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 12:24AM by releve.
I've been all three (kind of). I was a wife twice. First time I was married eight years without kids. Second I wasn't married very long at all and I was a stepmom. In between these two marriages,I was single. (First marriage was when I was 19.)
I can honestly say now that I would rather be single than be married or have kids. I've lived it all, and with my personality, the best thing for me is to remain single. I'm completely fine with that and its what makes me happy. But some people think I'm selfish or whatever.
No one has to live the LifeScript, you can be whatever you want to be, or don't want to be. No one has the right to tell you otherwise.
I can honestly say now that I would rather be single than be married or have kids. I've lived it all, and with my personality, the best thing for me is to remain single. I'm completely fine with that and its what makes me happy. But some people think I'm selfish or whatever.
No one has to live the LifeScript, you can be whatever you want to be, or don't want to be. No one has the right to tell you otherwise.
loving parents - a mom, a dad, or both.
But be prepared - it can be bloody hard work. I had my first son when I was married to an utter louse who wouldn't so much as change a diaper - and I was working full time.
Then we were divorced and being a single mom was even harder.
Then I married a guy with three kids of his own, so suddenly, my son and I (who are both "onlies") have to learn to deal with sibling rivalry! But this guy is an absolutely sweetheart, a very hands-on sort with both the kids and the housework, and while it wasn't easy to get them raised and out of the nest, we did it.
None of them has ever "gone bad" or had anything worse than a traffic ticket.
But as others here have said, it ain't easy. You can't just put them on the shelf when you don't feel like dealing with them (though I'd be the first to admit there are times when you wish you could!)
Best of luck!
But be prepared - it can be bloody hard work. I had my first son when I was married to an utter louse who wouldn't so much as change a diaper - and I was working full time.
Then we were divorced and being a single mom was even harder.
Then I married a guy with three kids of his own, so suddenly, my son and I (who are both "onlies") have to learn to deal with sibling rivalry! But this guy is an absolutely sweetheart, a very hands-on sort with both the kids and the housework, and while it wasn't easy to get them raised and out of the nest, we did it.
None of them has ever "gone bad" or had anything worse than a traffic ticket.
But as others here have said, it ain't easy. You can't just put them on the shelf when you don't feel like dealing with them (though I'd be the first to admit there are times when you wish you could!)
Best of luck!
I have been all of those, too.
I did it right. I graduated from BYU, and then married an RM in the temple (I was a virgin). He beat me, strangled me, and almost killed me, yet I tried to make it work, to honor the temple marriage, and also to not disgrace my family. I almost committed suicide, but decided to run away, get divorced, and face the wrath and misunderstanding of all the MOrmons in my limited Mormon world. I was not accepted as mainstream Mormon anymore, though I was really not at fault. I enjoyed dating the men in graduate school, who were more mature, and every interesting--scientists, mostly, a geologist, a doctor, a pilot, who were all "liberal" or "fringe" Mormons. With my divorce, I had accepted the fact that I might never be married again, and might never have children--but I was lucky to be alive! These were some of the happiest years of my life!
When I was almost 30, I reconnected with an old BYU boyfriend, and we wanted to get married in the temple, because we were both good, moral, faithful Mormons. TSCC would not allow me a temple clearance, because my wife-beater ex would not sign the "release form", out of spite. He was already remarried to another girl in the temple, he was proven in court (our divorce) to have committed assault on me and his own sister, but he prevented my temple marriage. My new husband was so angry, that he began investigating the Mormon church, and the inequality of men and women, and the temple rules, and what really went on in the temple, etc. We had several children, before my husband became inactive, and told me about the lies about Joseph Smith's wives, the BOM being fake, the B of A being fake, and that the temple rituals were borrowed from the Masons, so JS and the other polygamists could "marry" their wives. Sorry to digress, but I loved being a wife and mother! Except, we argued about that stupid religion all the time. Religion should not be an issue in a marriage. Skip ahead 15 years, and he moved us to Utah where we both had great jobs, and he left me for another woman.
After the shock of my husband leaving all of us--he said he didn't want children anymore--and the temporary financial setback--and the fear--and the self-pity--I was quite happy not having that grouchy little troll around the house, constantly criticizing me and our children, in order to build himself up, and ordering me around like a maid. Ah, being single is a LUXURY. IMO, the "doting husband" who is helpful and supportive might be a myth.
If people knew how happy I am being single, they would be jealous. I was never lonelier than when I was married--both times--isolated, unappreciated, unloved, taken for granted. Single people have more friends, because they depend on each other more. I know we laugh more than the married couples. There is a psychological scale of happiness levels, made from an extensive study:
The happiest person is a married man
Next happiest is a single woman
Next is the married woman
Last is the unmarried man.
Single women are happier than married women, according to the studies. We are living proof of that.
"It takes a village" to raise a child. I didn't have a husband (He's only seen the kids a few times, and only twice when they were school-age), but my parents visited us, and helped out, until they got too old. I have some great non-Mormon friends--some who are also single--and we help each other in a crisis. We have relatives who live near by, to give and receive support. Often, the married parents seemed to have more problems than the single parents.
You seem to have the desire and love to motivate you to adopt a child. You have 3-5 years to work on your career, and save money. You must afford a child financially. My ex did not pay alimony or child support (a jerk) but I sued him as often as I could. We did get, for no expense on his part, a great COBRA insurance plan from his work, which paid for braces on their teeth, dental work, a broken back, knee injuries, a broken leg, broken nose, cut lip, and for me an incurable disease I was always fighting. I highly recommend health insurance!
From babysitting to paper routes to retail sales, working at ski resorts, cooking--my children always had jobs. They earned enough for cars, which meant car insurance, and a few accidents. They worked and put themselves through the University of Utah, with my help, living at home, and taking the bus sometimes, and hobbling to class with injuries.
My children turned out great! They are loving and kind toward others, honest, have great careers, and have houses in our neighborhood. We are closer, I think, than most 2-parent families. There was one very rough time, when the Mormon priesthood leaders were abusing my sons. When they slept in after their early Sunday paper routes (they had two long ones), the leaders would barge into our house, pull the boys out of bed, throw them on the floor, and kick them, until they got up and got dressed (no shower). The men would kick them upstairs, and shove them into a car, drive them to church, and keep them in church the whole 3 hours. The other kids would laugh at their messy hair and sleepy eyes. I was not there, because I had to go early to play the organ, but when I found out about the abuse, I took all of my children out of church that same day. I have a hard time forgiving myself for putting my lovely children through torture every weekend, and week-nights, and Saturdays. It was painful to admit that there is no place for a single working mother in the Mormon church. Unless you understand this, you will be very disappointed with your experience. In fact, the Mormons will talk you out of it altogether.
The Mormons talk unmarried mothers into adopting their child away--away to a Mormon two-parent family, who will be more likely to keep the child within the confines of the church. Single mothers are extremely likely to leave. I certainly know why, because I was one who left.
To go against the Mormon machine, and do anything out of the ordinary, is to risk your testimony. I had the support of my Mormon family, because being a single mother was not my choice. My husband left me. I would not have gotten as much sympathy and support, if I had deliberately adopted a child, on my own.
You have given yourself a few years to think it over. Also, keep your eyes and ears open! Be aware of how single mothers are treated. Already, you are getting hints. Talk to your parents.
I would highly recommend staying single, and enjoying all the wonders the world has to offer. Babysit often, take your nieces, nephews, cousins, to the zoo, or to see Santa Claus. Our office does "Sub for Santa" every Christmas, which is fun. They don't have to be your own children, in order for you to enjoy them. Become a school teacher. I taught private piano lessons to little kids when I was at BYU, and taught swimming and tennis at a private summer school, and was a nanny in Italy one summer. You probably have more ideas than I do.
(((hugs))) Get a dog or cat, in the meantime. That's what my daughter did, who didn't meet her husband until she was 29.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 05:52AM by forestpal.
I did it right. I graduated from BYU, and then married an RM in the temple (I was a virgin). He beat me, strangled me, and almost killed me, yet I tried to make it work, to honor the temple marriage, and also to not disgrace my family. I almost committed suicide, but decided to run away, get divorced, and face the wrath and misunderstanding of all the MOrmons in my limited Mormon world. I was not accepted as mainstream Mormon anymore, though I was really not at fault. I enjoyed dating the men in graduate school, who were more mature, and every interesting--scientists, mostly, a geologist, a doctor, a pilot, who were all "liberal" or "fringe" Mormons. With my divorce, I had accepted the fact that I might never be married again, and might never have children--but I was lucky to be alive! These were some of the happiest years of my life!
When I was almost 30, I reconnected with an old BYU boyfriend, and we wanted to get married in the temple, because we were both good, moral, faithful Mormons. TSCC would not allow me a temple clearance, because my wife-beater ex would not sign the "release form", out of spite. He was already remarried to another girl in the temple, he was proven in court (our divorce) to have committed assault on me and his own sister, but he prevented my temple marriage. My new husband was so angry, that he began investigating the Mormon church, and the inequality of men and women, and the temple rules, and what really went on in the temple, etc. We had several children, before my husband became inactive, and told me about the lies about Joseph Smith's wives, the BOM being fake, the B of A being fake, and that the temple rituals were borrowed from the Masons, so JS and the other polygamists could "marry" their wives. Sorry to digress, but I loved being a wife and mother! Except, we argued about that stupid religion all the time. Religion should not be an issue in a marriage. Skip ahead 15 years, and he moved us to Utah where we both had great jobs, and he left me for another woman.
After the shock of my husband leaving all of us--he said he didn't want children anymore--and the temporary financial setback--and the fear--and the self-pity--I was quite happy not having that grouchy little troll around the house, constantly criticizing me and our children, in order to build himself up, and ordering me around like a maid. Ah, being single is a LUXURY. IMO, the "doting husband" who is helpful and supportive might be a myth.
If people knew how happy I am being single, they would be jealous. I was never lonelier than when I was married--both times--isolated, unappreciated, unloved, taken for granted. Single people have more friends, because they depend on each other more. I know we laugh more than the married couples. There is a psychological scale of happiness levels, made from an extensive study:
The happiest person is a married man
Next happiest is a single woman
Next is the married woman
Last is the unmarried man.
Single women are happier than married women, according to the studies. We are living proof of that.
"It takes a village" to raise a child. I didn't have a husband (He's only seen the kids a few times, and only twice when they were school-age), but my parents visited us, and helped out, until they got too old. I have some great non-Mormon friends--some who are also single--and we help each other in a crisis. We have relatives who live near by, to give and receive support. Often, the married parents seemed to have more problems than the single parents.
You seem to have the desire and love to motivate you to adopt a child. You have 3-5 years to work on your career, and save money. You must afford a child financially. My ex did not pay alimony or child support (a jerk) but I sued him as often as I could. We did get, for no expense on his part, a great COBRA insurance plan from his work, which paid for braces on their teeth, dental work, a broken back, knee injuries, a broken leg, broken nose, cut lip, and for me an incurable disease I was always fighting. I highly recommend health insurance!
From babysitting to paper routes to retail sales, working at ski resorts, cooking--my children always had jobs. They earned enough for cars, which meant car insurance, and a few accidents. They worked and put themselves through the University of Utah, with my help, living at home, and taking the bus sometimes, and hobbling to class with injuries.
My children turned out great! They are loving and kind toward others, honest, have great careers, and have houses in our neighborhood. We are closer, I think, than most 2-parent families. There was one very rough time, when the Mormon priesthood leaders were abusing my sons. When they slept in after their early Sunday paper routes (they had two long ones), the leaders would barge into our house, pull the boys out of bed, throw them on the floor, and kick them, until they got up and got dressed (no shower). The men would kick them upstairs, and shove them into a car, drive them to church, and keep them in church the whole 3 hours. The other kids would laugh at their messy hair and sleepy eyes. I was not there, because I had to go early to play the organ, but when I found out about the abuse, I took all of my children out of church that same day. I have a hard time forgiving myself for putting my lovely children through torture every weekend, and week-nights, and Saturdays. It was painful to admit that there is no place for a single working mother in the Mormon church. Unless you understand this, you will be very disappointed with your experience. In fact, the Mormons will talk you out of it altogether.
The Mormons talk unmarried mothers into adopting their child away--away to a Mormon two-parent family, who will be more likely to keep the child within the confines of the church. Single mothers are extremely likely to leave. I certainly know why, because I was one who left.
To go against the Mormon machine, and do anything out of the ordinary, is to risk your testimony. I had the support of my Mormon family, because being a single mother was not my choice. My husband left me. I would not have gotten as much sympathy and support, if I had deliberately adopted a child, on my own.
You have given yourself a few years to think it over. Also, keep your eyes and ears open! Be aware of how single mothers are treated. Already, you are getting hints. Talk to your parents.
I would highly recommend staying single, and enjoying all the wonders the world has to offer. Babysit often, take your nieces, nephews, cousins, to the zoo, or to see Santa Claus. Our office does "Sub for Santa" every Christmas, which is fun. They don't have to be your own children, in order for you to enjoy them. Become a school teacher. I taught private piano lessons to little kids when I was at BYU, and taught swimming and tennis at a private summer school, and was a nanny in Italy one summer. You probably have more ideas than I do.
(((hugs))) Get a dog or cat, in the meantime. That's what my daughter did, who didn't meet her husband until she was 29.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 05:52AM by forestpal.
Why adopt, you can have a child.
Answer: The idea of being pregnant doesn't appeal to every woman
She never met a man she wanted to marry so she adopted. Her son has turned out to be a wonderful young man. Frankly, with all the people in the world, I think adopting a child who would otherwise have a less "with it" parent is a wonderful thing. Kudos to you!
but given that I was single for most of my life with 2 relationships in the mix--I enjoy my time alone. I refuse to live with my boyfriend 100% of the time. I too easily give up my power to a man. I was taught well.
I was with my husband for 11 years. We had twins. It would have been much simpler had he left when they were really young than when he left when they were 10. The fallout was immense.
It really would have been MUCH MUCH EASIER to have my kids knowing what I was facing when I had them. I wouldn't have quit my really good job where I earned more than my husband did. I wouldn't have had the emotional fallout for myself and my kids. The years of readjusting to the situation after he left was devastating to all of us.
I would have much preferred being a single mother by choice from the outset and I know it would have been better for my kids. What kids need is to be loved--to live in a secure environment.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 10:48AM by cl2.
I was with my husband for 11 years. We had twins. It would have been much simpler had he left when they were really young than when he left when they were 10. The fallout was immense.
It really would have been MUCH MUCH EASIER to have my kids knowing what I was facing when I had them. I wouldn't have quit my really good job where I earned more than my husband did. I wouldn't have had the emotional fallout for myself and my kids. The years of readjusting to the situation after he left was devastating to all of us.
I would have much preferred being a single mother by choice from the outset and I know it would have been better for my kids. What kids need is to be loved--to live in a secure environment.
Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 10/08/2013 10:48AM by cl2.
Hear hear. I absolutely don't want to be anybody's wife. I couldn't stand it. In my case, I don't necessarily want to be a mom either - but I have considered becoming a foster mom at some point, once I've settled down a bit. Kudos for finding your own path! :)
I'm a father of two kids, a great little girl who is 5 and a boy who is 3. Wonderful kids, and I love them completely and totally. For me, there is nothing better than sharing my life with them.
I was a SAHD for a while in between leaving one company while I was setting up my business and I had a chance to learn a lot more than most fathers who don't have the same opportunity. My wife would travel for her work, so I had the kids for up to a week without her.
Babies and toddlers gravitate to their primary caregivers, so when they would get hurt, they’d run past Mommy for Daddy. It’s not that I’m anything special, it’s just how kids are hardwired.
I’m not writing this to brag, but just to give my experience as a primary caregiver.
Kids are wonderful, but they can be a real pain in the ass at times, especially when you are tired. I'm really, really happy to have someone share the responsibility with me. There have been times when both of them were screaming, the floor was a mess, dinner was burning and all I wanted to do was scream.
But, those are just blips. Someone was told me that you will cry the first time you are tucking your little one in and tell them you love them, like you always do, and she looks up and says “I luv you” back. You will.
I’ve got a mother-of-three friend who decided to get a divorce. She could take care of the two younger kids, both just a little older than ours, but she was really tired of taking care of the oldest. The one she had married.
You don’t need a priesthood holder. You don’t need a father in the household. Personally, I really like having two of us, but that doesn’t work out for everyone. However, if you do have a child as a single mother, try to line up help.
Good luck!
I was a SAHD for a while in between leaving one company while I was setting up my business and I had a chance to learn a lot more than most fathers who don't have the same opportunity. My wife would travel for her work, so I had the kids for up to a week without her.
Babies and toddlers gravitate to their primary caregivers, so when they would get hurt, they’d run past Mommy for Daddy. It’s not that I’m anything special, it’s just how kids are hardwired.
I’m not writing this to brag, but just to give my experience as a primary caregiver.
Kids are wonderful, but they can be a real pain in the ass at times, especially when you are tired. I'm really, really happy to have someone share the responsibility with me. There have been times when both of them were screaming, the floor was a mess, dinner was burning and all I wanted to do was scream.
But, those are just blips. Someone was told me that you will cry the first time you are tucking your little one in and tell them you love them, like you always do, and she looks up and says “I luv you” back. You will.
I’ve got a mother-of-three friend who decided to get a divorce. She could take care of the two younger kids, both just a little older than ours, but she was really tired of taking care of the oldest. The one she had married.
You don’t need a priesthood holder. You don’t need a father in the household. Personally, I really like having two of us, but that doesn’t work out for everyone. However, if you do have a child as a single mother, try to line up help.
Good luck!
My sister adopted a child as a single mom, and both of them are very happy.
lovemydietcoke, I have the same feelings, I'm very introverted
in shy. I have a great steady job. I'm 38, I feel I have a
lot to give to a orphan. It is still better for the child to
have a single parent then to age out in an
orphanage. Mormonism says it is not okay. Jesus would love you to help a child.
in shy. I have a great steady job. I'm 38, I feel I have a
lot to give to a orphan. It is still better for the child to
have a single parent then to age out in an
orphanage. Mormonism says it is not okay. Jesus would love you to help a child.
Love my mom to Death. But I wouldn't be the person I am today without positive father figures in my life. I was never close with my dad, but my grampa filled that much needed void on teaching me to be a man. Girls probably need a positive male role model too. If you go it alone, i suggest finding ways to have a positive male role model in their life.
It has nothing to do with reality as science has shown us it is.
I was raised by a single mother for the most part (in between some short marriages + siblings), went out on my own briefly, got married. Then after children and grandchildren in 50 plus years of marriage, I am single, a widow and on my own. Completely.
(Not interested in getting married again!)
As we know, a family can be any number of combinations of women, men, children etc. And when it's good, it's all good.
Carve out your own life, on your own terms.
I'm big on adoption. Foster Care can be good or terrible.
Children need to be loved!
(Not interested in getting married again!)
As we know, a family can be any number of combinations of women, men, children etc. And when it's good, it's all good.
Carve out your own life, on your own terms.
I'm big on adoption. Foster Care can be good or terrible.
Children need to be loved!