First time poster....long time lurker. I just need a bit of therapy and thought I would share with people who understand. I feel for the missionaries. Most of them are completely brainwashed and would do anything their benevolant leader tells them to do. I am no longer active unlike my TBM wife and I have become a reactivation project. The missionaries are always welcome in my home.... to play pool, eat or hang-out but I told them that I aint coming back so don't try. My home has become a safe haven for some of these guys and some of them are very open about their thoughts and feelings. I have become quite close to a certain Tongan missionary from American Samoa who has served for 20 months (this will probably be his last area). What I appreciate about him is that he is honest about what is really going on in his mission. There is essentially no work....and anyone they do find has also found how to search for the truth on the internet.

This past Monday his mother unexpectantly passed away. His mission president came to his apartment advised him of the sad news, gave him a blessing and told him his family wanted him to stay on the mission. This poor guy is devastated. He came to my home this evening and opened up to me. He has not seen his mother for 7 years (circumstances took him out of American Samoa before his mission). I asked him if he was close to his mother. He quietly nodded and just said, "very". It ripped my heart out to see this big old Tongan tearing up. I asked him if the mission president had given him the option of returning home. He said, "no". I too have experienced this same situation. I lost a sister I was very close to one month into my mission. I was in the MTC and a GA sat me down to give me the news. They recommended that I stay where I was and focus on being a missionary. Nothing was going to bring my sister back...she was in a better place....it would all work out....feel the spirit...you get the picture. The MTC was only 4 hours from my home...why they could let me go home for some closure is a mystery and a regret that I have carried with me for over 30 years.

Anyway, I asked my Tongan friend if he wanted to go home. I suddenly saw a look of hope on his face. He said, "I want to remember my mother as she is honored in death". I said, OK...give me your mission presidents phone number. I got him on the first ring (cell). We discussed our Tongan missionary and the situation he was facing....I asked him right up front if the elder was given the opportunity to go home. MP said, "no, his family wants him to stay". Apparently his brother said that his mothers dying wish was to keep him on the mission and not worry about him coming home. I indicated to the MP that I was going to be the ying to the church's yang. I told him that sometimes the church needs to do the honorable thing and allow a young man who has served faithfully for 20 months to go home with honor and allow him some closure with his mother. He disagreed and indicated that his family wants him to stay (big heap of guilt, fear and shame all balled up in one). I shared with him my experience with my sister and not living a life with regrets... he said that missionaries that overcome a situation like this come out stronger. OK...then let him go home and then fly him back to finish his mission. I asked him to size up the situation and use some common sense and a little bit of logic. Twenty months into a mission, mother dies....if the church had a conscience it would tell the young man to go home (no shame, no guilt) and it would tell his family to accept him with a warm embrace (no shame, no guilt). The MP was cordial and thanked me for my concern and opinion. I still shake my head and wonder how a church that focused on the family can be so F'ed up. Thanks for the rant.

Yup all about family.

chiog, my hat is off to you for stepping up to help this missionary. May your efforts be successful.

"His family wants him to stay." How about the MP asking this adult man what HE wants?

Thank you!

This is so totally f*cked up--and I am a grandma and don't say that often. It makes me so angry that I can hardly type this. We are dealing with a family situation where the parents are on a mission and the son was in a terrible accident. Of course the Lord wants them to stay instead of come home to their son. This insanity just makes me crazy! And they call themselves a family oriented church. Thank you for watching out for these vulnerable young elders!!

I only know of 1 person who was ever allowed to go home for a funeral while in a mission. It was this black guy who if I remember correctly was from the Virgin Islands (British or US - I can't remember). His nevermo uncle had died, & he was being allowed to attend the funeral. The cult was only letting him go home to use the opportunity of this funeral to be an indoctrination opportunity to try to convert more people.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/25/2013 11:27PM by Tristan.

Sounds like with the right effort, we have a PR nightmare for the church on our hands.

Possible Headlines:
LDS missionary denied leave for mothers funeral
LDS missionary couple denied leave to attend to son involved in accident

Not only does this man need closure, a funeral is a healing time for all family memebers to bond.

I'd love a facebook campaign creating awareness, but am hesitant to increase anyone's pain. Good grief, this church and it's leaders are a messed up bunch of idiots with their priorities out of wack.

Get this...MP called me back. He asked me not to influence the missionary in any way, that if elder wanted to go home and he was prompted by the spirit he would call the missionary dept. and work out arrangements...no biased interference from me tho. I know the emotional head games at play here....I am really tempted to get ahold of missionary and have him call...suggestions?

Totally get him to claim he is feeling prompted to go home.

Get hold of the missionary and have him call. Don't delay. You are doing a good thing.

chiog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>I am really tempted to get ahold of
> missionary and have him call...suggestions?

Yeild to temptation!

You are the one friend this missionary has right now and if I were you I'd call him.

I'd even be tempted to tell him what the MP said when he called you back so the missionary can tell the MP he was prompted by the spirit to go home.

Man, if we all pitch in a few bucks we can get him on a plane. This is BS and frankly wish i had all the means to get him home. What a jerk of a MP. Please express to him how sorry we are for his loss.

That assumes he is in possession of his passport, which he likely is not.

He would not need a passport for American Samoa, it is a US territory like Guam. He would need ID for the plane though.

Oh..that is crap. The fact that they are legal adults. Tell missionary id church reguses to call law enforcement or news and say they are holding him hostage. Church will not like that attention.

Wow-typing on my phone does not fare well.

Poor missionary who deserves to grieve and have closure.

Then the mission president who is worried about hid positioning within the church.

A real loving human being asks "What is best for family and missionary?"

Hope the missionary is able to do what is best for him.

I feel like crying. How can this be happening? So unfair, so mean, so unChristlike. Thank you for being there for him and trying to help. Please give him my sympathy, too.
PS. I like the newspaper headline idea.

This is absurd. How can someone who is supposed to be a leader inspired by the lord be so utterly heartless? I don't even believe the guy that the missionary's family actually said that they think he should stay.

I hope the missionary is able to fly home as soon as possible.

Absolutely disgusting story.

Sorry for you and "the Tongan."

Thanks for sharing.

The poor mishie should at least be given the opportunity to call home and talk with his family members. You can help him with this, and are under no obligation to follow the rules of the mission president. He has no authority over you! This young man needs to at the very least talk with those who love him, and be able to go home to honor his mother. Screw the mission. Family comes first!

I would encourage the Elder to go home for the following reasons:

(1) He needs to mourn and cry his eyes out in the arms of his family.
(2) He needs to celebrate the family member in the memorial service.
(3) He needs the appropriate closure.
(4) He needs to make this an experience that he will never regret for the rest of his life.

Some Mission Presidents have the commitment to family and the individual. Others are task masters with a heartless controlling agenda. Unfortunately, this Elder has the later.

Please encourage him to go home. Family comes first.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/26/2013 12:50AM by jiminycricket.

Tongan funerals are a big deal for all surviving family. They are cherished times, that they always want to share forever in their memories.

Tongans grieve in a very "outward" manner. They don't hold back their emotions or their grief during the funeral. They wail, they cry, moan and howl if they wish to. They embrace the corpse, shower the corpse with kisses, throw themselves around, everyone files by and kisses the forehead of the corpse. It really rips your heart out, to see how much they love their departed.

Amazingly, after the funeral, their grief largely spent, they can return to their lives with a smile, feeling good about things in general. Impressive.

IOW, the Tongan mishie prolly needs to be with his Mom and family at this important event. He may not process his grief in the traditional way if he isn't in attendance with his folks.

And that's a good point as well. The MP may have little appreciation for cultural differences when it comes to coping with the death of a family member. It's like it never occurred to him for even a second that he may not have sufficient understanding in this matter.

The church is NOT focused on the family. That is only a propaganda technique. The church is focused only on the CHURCH!

It totally SUCKS! I feel so badly for this good young man. And I hope the MP rots in hell.

When my husband was dying, my son was in boot camp in the Army. My husband wrote and suggested to him that he not to come home, to treat it like a mission, blah, blah. My son came home and was there with his father for his last few days of life and spoke at his funeral. I was so glad that he chose to come home, and so was my husband, I am sure. I am so glad he was in the Army where there is human compassion and not on a mission where there is none. What terrible regrets he would have now if he had not been there.

My heart cries for this young man.

Chiog, I have lots of contacts in the AmSam. I work there a bit too. You want me to go have my people ask if it's true what the MP says, and whether they want the lad home?





chiog Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> First time poster....long time lurker. I just
> need a bit of therapy and thought I would share
> with people who understand. I feel for the
> missionaries. Most of them are completely
> brainwashed and would do anything their benevolant
> leader tells them to do. I am no longer active
> unlike my TBM wife and I have become a
> reactivation project. The missionaries are always
> welcome in my home.... to play pool, eat or
> hang-out but I told them that I aint coming back
> so don't try. My home has become a safe haven for
> some of these guys and some of them are very open
> about their thoughts and feelings. I have become
> quite close to a certain Tongan missionary from
> American Samoa who has served for 20 months (this
> will probably be his last area). What I
> appreciate about him is that he is honest about
> what is really going on in his mission. There is
> essentially no work....and anyone they do find has
> also found how to search for the truth on the
> internet.
>
> This past Monday his mother unexpectantly passed
> away. His mission president came to his apartment
> advised him of the sad news, gave him a blessing
> and told him his family wanted him to stay on the
> mission. This poor guy is devastated. He came to
> my home this evening and opened up to me. He has
> not seen his mother for 7 years (circumstances
> took him out of American Samoa before his
> mission). I asked him if he was close to his
> mother. He quietly nodded and just said, "very".
> It ripped my heart out to see this big old Tongan
> tearing up. I asked him if the mission president
> had given him the option of returning home. He
> said, "no". I too have experienced this same
> situation. I lost a sister I was very close to
> one month into my mission. I was in the MTC and a
> GA sat me down to give me the news. They
> recommended that I stay where I was and focus on
> being a missionary. Nothing was going to bring my
> sister back...she was in a better place....it
> would all work out....feel the spirit...you get
> the picture. The MTC was only 4 hours from my
> home...why they could let me go home for some
> closure is a mystery and a regret that I have
> carried with me for over 30 years.
>
> Anyway, I asked my Tongan friend if he wanted to
> go home. I suddenly saw a look of hope on his
> face. He said, "I want to remember my mother as
> she is honored in death". I said, OK...give me
> your mission presidents phone number. I got him
> on the first ring (cell). We discussed our Tongan
> missionary and the situation he was facing....I
> asked him right up front if the elder was given
> the opportunity to go home. MP said, "no, his
> family wants him to stay". Apparently his brother
> said that his mothers dying wish was to keep him
> on the mission and not worry about him coming
> home. I indicated to the MP that I was going to
> be the ying to the church's yang. I told him that
> sometimes the church needs to do the honorable
> thing and allow a young man who has served
> faithfully for 20 months to go home with honor and
> allow him some closure with his mother. He
> disagreed and indicated that his family wants him
> to stay (big heap of guilt, fear and shame all
> balled up in one). I shared with him my
> experience with my sister and not living a life
> with regrets... he said that missionaries that
> overcome a situation like this come out stronger.
> OK...then let him go home and then fly him back to
> finish his mission. I asked him to size up the
> situation and use some common sense and a little
> bit of logic. Twenty months into a mission,
> mother dies....if the church had a conscience it
> would tell the young man to go home (no shame, no
> guilt) and it would tell his family to accept him
> with a warm embrace (no shame, no guilt). The MP
> was cordial and thanked me for my concern and
> opinion. I still shake my head and wonder how a
> church that focused on the family can be so F'ed
> up. Thanks for the rant.

Similar story to yours, Laban head: The Air Force immediately sent my dh home from Nam to be with his dying father. He returned to service after the funeral. (About same age as Chlog's friend.) Those military leaders had more heart than the mp.

Chlog, if you could discuss $ with your friend I know many of us would contribute. We'd need some info.
Can't he just ask for his passport? Or demand it? Good grief, only four months left. Anyone have connections to SLC?

I can't believe we are even having this conversation. This MP is the world's biggest $hithead. I hope this poor missionary calls back to tell him the spirit told him to go home.
When on my mission in Taiwan, there was a sister missionary who lost her father. She was made to stay on the mission. she talked about her father all the time; no closure.

Let the kid finish out his mission at home. It is sad enough that he was on his mission during nearly the last two years of her life.

Would the MP himself stay in the mission field if a close family member died?

I was allowed to fly home for 3 days from my mission to attend an interview for a prestigious university - but I guess in my situation 1) my family could directly petition a highly influential GA in the ward who immediately made it all happen 2) TSCC probably thought attending the uni would be good PR and lead to some future tithing income.

I had no idea at the time how unusual this was. When I later heard a TBM friend share how he stayed on his missions when his mother died, I couldn't believe it. Nothing screams cult more than this horrid policy.

The missionary who baptized me told me that his mother had died a few months before he came to the mission where we met. I told him how sorry I was to hear that, and asked if he had been able to go home for her funeral.

He got tears in his eyes and said that his MP had told him that among his dying mother's last words were "Please don't let my boy come home from his mission!"

He and I stayed in touch for a number of years afterwards. Once when my DH and I were staying at the home of this ex-mish and his wife while on vacation, I happened to see a big, black-and-white graduation-type photo of a young woman who could only have been his mother; he looked just like her.

I said, "That was your mom, wasn't it?" He nodded, and then he said, "They lied to me about her - did I ever tell you about that?" I said no, he hadn't.

Seems that Mom's dying wish was just the opposite of what had been relayed to the mish. One of his sisters told him after he came home that his mother had cried and cried because she wanted to see her boy again before she died. He was her only son and she was so proud of him. And both the MP and this boy's own father told the kid just the opposite.

There were many reasons why this RM left the church, but this lie was first and foremost. More than two decades later, he is still bitter about it.

Of course the MP is blaming YOU for "influencing" the missionary into making the "wrong" decision, ie, a decision against church policy. When I was a Mormon, I was always aware of the lack of feeling, compassion, empathy, and love in the organization. You are a good person, and keep trying.

My aunt died when her daughter was on a mission. Her husband was the mission president. The wife/daughter was allowed to return home for her mother's funeral, but the husband had to stay on the mission. The daughter had to face everything alone--the flight back to Utah in the winter, her own chronic illness, all the funeral plans, the huge Mormon service, etc. I saw her, pale and weak, trying to be brave through it all, and I hated her husband and his cult. They dare to claim to be a "family church." Right.