My man period wasn't just a period, it was a horrible downward spiral. My PTSD kicked in and I just have been feeling worse and worse and worse.

Well, in spite of my best efforts to keep my problems away from work, they crept in and my performance at work has been terrible. Unfortunately, I'm at a job where everyone gets evaluated about every 2 weeks. So if you have a bad month, well, that's two bad evaluations.

I broke today at work because I couldn't take the last two evaluations without saying anything. My evaluations are: I'm horribly depressing, I'm distracted, I'm slow at my job. And I know all of this because I'm horribly depressed and that's distracting and causing me to be slow when my work demands constant speed and perfection at all times.

It was embarrassing because I now have to get my immediate supervisor involved along with HIS supervisor and HIS supervisor and play this whole PC cat and mouse game because I can't just come out and say "you know what? I hate my life and my job right now and I wish I was dead.-- and my mental and emotional problems all come from being raised in a cult for over 20 years."

So I have to blame everything on my physical health problems and hear about "well, other people have personal issues and that doesn't get in the way of their jobs, and not have me be like, 'oh bullshit, when J's dad died he took 3 months off of work and no one said a word' and when you (boss's boss) knocked up your girlfriend and had to finalize your divorce to your second wife and took 2 months off everyone said, 'congratulations? on the baby....?'"

Why did I ever go on a mission? Oh, right, I didn't feel like I had a choice.

Had I gone to the doctor and told him what was going on with me mentally, I could have been put on "sick leave" which would have saved my job. Please, please go talk to your doctor. You should not be working while you're trying to get your mind straight; it puts you under a terrible handicap.

It can be scary and difficult to balance life when you are having difficulties. I’ve been there and lost a much higher paying job when I had my first huge depression/suicide episode 20 years ago.

Although my bipolar issues fluctuate regularly, it has been about every 10 years I slip into deep depression, usually when I have issues which I had little control of. This last time (Nov 2010) I tried to cover it up, but did seek medical help. My boss thought it was related to physical health issues (had a stroke when I was 35). When my work ended up a month behind, I had to tell her what was going on. She has been very understanding and helpful.

That has not always been the case. About 10 years ago, I had to get HR involved and my boss’ supervisor (different boss than now). Didn’t sit well with the boss, but I kept my job and am actually in a position above her now.

That first job 20 years ago? We have to work to eat, but no job is worth our mental health. Was glad to be rid of it.

Hopefully you have close friends that can also help. Once we understood more, DW helps keep me in check. She tells me when I need to see the Dr, when I’m not acting like my normal self.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2011 06:17PM by nomomoses.

Hang in there and stand up for yourself. There are legal ways they have to deal with it when you're having problems, it would be good to find out what your rights are if you don't already know. My bro in law was having huge mental problems at work that were the result of many years past growing up in an abusive home. The workplace was triggering all these issues, he was a college counselor. He ended up with disability retirement and that probably saved his life.

...even a little bit? It could help lift your spirit. Please see the counselor soon and get to your primary care for some anti-depressants for the temporary time...kwim?

Agree with that suggestion. It might not help, but worth the shot. I've heard exercise sometimes can do a lot to keep people positive, etc.

I rarely interact on the site but frequently lurk. your post hit me right in the heart. I had exactly the same situation. After years of excellent reviews I started to have problems. Couldn't concentrate, had no energy, and started to call in sick on a frequent basis. I made up every physical excuse there is when my actual issues were PTSD and depression. I was embarresed to tell anyone what was actually going on.It's not an illness that is understood or even believed most of the time. I just kept trying to put my shoulder to the wheel and limp along. It got to the point where I was fearful of being fired.
I finally went to see a Doctor and he immediately wrote me a 6 week off-work order which he extended for another 6 weeks. The relief was immense. Not only the stress of work was gone, but the fact that an M.D. validated that I wasn't just flaking off at work.

Please see someone. You don't have to continue on with this amount of stress. You have a valid illness and need to take care of it like any other illness.

I care.

Nice post, agree completely, and RJ, many of us care.

Take care, RJ. I couldn't imagine getting evaluated every two weeks. There's something sick about that. It's not you, it's them.

RJ, I'm so sorry that you're going through this... seeing a mental health pro might be the ticket out of this mess.

Best of luck bro.

I had a similar experience a couple years ago. I nearly lost my job too. My depressive issues, and generalized anxiety disorder were causing my job performance to suffer.

My depressive issue was caused in large part by a reaction to a very badly prescribed medication and when I quit the medication I returned to full health. However, I know what depression, real depression, does to a person. In my case too, the goddamn cult aggravated it far beyond what it would have been had I had a support network that was real. In my case too the Church not only did not help, but actually seemed at every occasion to intentionally hurt.

For me depression was exhausting. I spent much of my cognitive power all day fighting it to keep going. I had nothing left to devote to job, family or myself. It was all about survival. Depression slows your mind. You are easily distracted and it is hard as hell to stay motivated. After all, what is the point?

Here is the good news R.J. and I mean this sincerely; things will get better with time. You may not have that hope now. That's ok. Just hope that soon you will have hope. That's enough. Most disorders like this subside with time. The pain will lessen.

I've been following your posts for some time now because you're funny as hell. You have a lot of happiness in there. It can and will outweigh the gloom. Some have suggested getting help. I agree that this could be a good option. Most studies show that depression is best treated by both psychological and physiological treatment. In other words, therapy combined with meds.

I'm not going to ask you to return and report. I know you will.

We all play games in life. Most of us do not like our jobs. Fake it for those people who do not matter and control your livelihood. Be authentic with those who will not hold it over your head.

High performance evals every two weeks? I had a job like that once too. Hated it. Perhaps there are better job options too. I didn't have to get fired, I found a better job.

Good luck and thank you for going extinct for my sins.

MiB

My grandfather had a similar experience after informally leaving the church in his 20's and then having a lot of anger issues in his late 40's...

I've been beat up so badly so many times in relationships I've become an expert in what to do on that one... Of course that's one of those "easy to coach; tough to play" things... Except for your job, I'd forget trying to look good for a while...

It's okay to get angry; it's what you do with that anger that determines your overall well-being and those around you...

And any support group you can manage has to be a good thing... Find people who genuinely care about you..

Life in manageable segments, that old "one day at a time" cliché I heard somewhere... ;-)

Been there, done that. I am just lucky that I have a job I do at home and I also had been working for a long, long time for the company I was working for when my ex left me--and my whole life pretty much fell apart. I work "production"--so if I didn't work, I didn't get paid, but it also gave me an "out"--because the work wasn't specifically assigned to me AND because of labor laws, they couldn't require specific hours I worked.

Otherwise, I would have lost my job(s) long ago.

Walking is what helped me heal. I just kind of hunkered down for a long time--went on Prozac for years--and then one day I started walking. It made a HUGE difference and my life started to improve.

I've also been in therapy on and off for 13 or 14 years with a great exmo therapist in Cache Valley.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2011 07:22PM by cl2.

There's a man at work who suddenly looked depressed. I think he got in trouble for looking 'liberal'. He had to cut his long hair, which was nicely kept. He looks so depressed.

At first I thought he was just mad at people and didn't want to talk. Then I saw how sad he looked.

I found out that his wife left him. And the boss made him cut his hair. And something nobody is talking about is going on. So I told him that whatever is going on, he is my friend, and I care about him. I hope he confides in somebody outside of work about what is going on.

If your life is anything like that, I'd say talk to somebody you trust. don't say squat at work. People want to know but they will gossip about it.

Raptorjesus. Go play the shit out of your bass guitar. Music is therapeutic. You are the coolest. Depression fucking bites.

Love,
Freevolved

I don't know if I can even help. I can tell you though that I fucking love the shit out of you and I enjoy everything you say.

Seriously. You are the type of dude I would want to spend Friday nights with, drinking away the shit that went on during our week.

I hope you get feeling better man.

Don't handle it yourself. Get the professionals in to help you to help yourself.

There is nothing wrong with taking antidepressents to get out of the rut. Then life gets better. Take from one who has been there!

Even though your problems are not disabling, they are still interfering with your work, and JAN can give you helpful ideas for your situation. Health problems should be taken seriously by employers.

http://askjan.org/

PTSD
http://askjan.org/media/post.htm
http://askjan.org/media/ptsd.html

My episodes of "breaking down" involving inability to concentrate, severe depression, etc. are mostly from my seizures. I believe it is very important to have physical checkups, and not assume something is "mental". There can be underlying health issues.

People used to dismiss, and explain away my severe problems for me when I worked a night shift by saying no one else had a problem with it. I have a sleep disorder that is real, probably inherited, that interfered with my job. DSPS is why I had problems, and no one else did.

I agree about exercise. Exercise will almost always help.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2011 07:51PM by atheist&happy:-).

I'm going to see someone soon. I am trying to be more regular with my exercise. My job requires travel a lot and I've been at home for the past month and a half (which I am super happy about).

Oddly, I have a harder time exercising when I'm at home, then when I'm on the road. I like being home so much that I usually just enjoy going home and writing, or catching up on TV or video games. Where when I'm out traveling I go right to the treadmill after work pretty much every day.

So, I'm trying to be more consistent.

And my supervisors are just going to have to deal with me being slower for a little while. It's hard because my job has a huuuuuuuge generational gap. Most people are around 50-60 (and male). And then everyone else is 20-30 (with mix of male and female). Barely anyone is in between. Unfortunately the older generation still has some stigmas about mental health and axing for help (instead of just sucking everything up.) But tough titties, they will just have to accommodate me until I can get back to myself.

It was hard listening to people today say, "you are a totally different person." Because all of my evaluations were great before and then hearing some people's body language complain when I said that I'll need extra time.

RJ, just know that you are loved.

I struggle with PTSD, too, and have been in a similar situation in my former job to what you're dealing with. It is TOUGH when bosses and coworkers start looking at you "that way" or talking to you about your performance in negative ways.

In my case, people I thought were my friends at work shit on me because suddenly I was no longer their beloved little ray of sunshine. I got past it and you can, too. True friends, work friends included, love and support you no matter what. I know you only from your posts here, but I love and support you no matter what.

And I agree with other posters that going to a therapist and getting anti-depressants, even just to get you over the worst of this, really helps. I'm glad you're going to see someone soon. Hang in there!! ((hugs))

Please take good care of yourself, get the help you need, and hang tough so you can get through this OK.

Best wishes.

I am sorry you are going through this. As human beings, we aren't built to deal with the stresses we experience almost daily. I have worked through my own depression, etc. more than once. Sometimes it just sucks. Talking through this with a therapist may help. Eliminate as many of the stressors as you can. Hang in there.

If we all lived closer we'd just come over, grab your ass and go out and have some drinks and laugh our asses off about the unbelievable ridiculousness of the crazy situations we have. First hand physical support from your friends can cure most anything. We just can't do that part. We're with you dude. I still marvel over the fact that I have held onto my job during my "disaffection". It is all still a struggle. One day at a time. One day at a time.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/08/2011 10:26PM by AmIDarkNow?.

If I'm out of line, please forgive me! But I was thinking about a family member when I read your post, which made me SO sad, yet so helpless to help.

About my family member, a teen-age boy, was just diagnosed with bi-polar. He often is the 'light-of-the-party' and cracks up everyone around him, such as you do.
Yet noone knew the constant bouts of depression he went trough until he had a breakdown.

Plus your PTSD from your background in the cult, which I can certainly relate to. Maybe it's that as well. At least something to check into.

PLEASE, take the advise of the posters here to urge you to see a doctor to get time off, as to not lose your job and go from there. I hope you will be better soon and maybe also find a less stressful job. I so hope for a good job for that person who just lost his/hers.

Take care, dear!

I am so sorry to hear you are having a tough time. I am here for you. {{{HUGS}}}

The really rotten thing about PTSD and depression is they are not visible. Most people have to SEE something to believe it's there.If you had cancer or something it would be obvious and you would most likely get a lot of emotional support. Unless you have been through a serious depression or PTSD,it's hard to understand. Although I don't understand why people can't just watch your body language etc. and figure out something is not right.

I had cancer 6 years ago. I had only a small chance of surviving it. And the ladies from the RS brought me meals,bishop came to visit,everyone was so kind. Then 2 years ago,because of the emotional and mental abuse I was getting from dh,I was having severe anxiety and was in despair. I never want to be there again. I was telling my bishop about it. He could have cared less. I told him I would go through cancer 5 times before I would ever go through the mental anguish again. Again,he wrote it off,told me to pick myself up,compared me to Lots wife,amd told me he knew I wasn't mentally ill. Couldn't "see" anything,therefore I was making it up.

I am very sorry you are going through this tough time. It's so sad to hear these stories. Especially when the people that are going through them are such good people. Like you rj.

Best of luck to you.

I sure hope you get feeling better.

Hey, raptorj, you see you have a big following here--and I'm a big fan myself.

It is to your advantage that people say you are different. Does your company have an EAP program (Employee Assistance Program)? You can get a mental health evaluation and six weeks of free treatment from that--PLUS, they cannot jeopardize your position as a result of seeking assistance for the covered problems: mental, substance abuse, alcoholism, etc.

Your best position to take is that you are experiencing some "psychological issues" and are receiving treatment. You ask them to be patient while you "sort things out" with professional help and thank them for their patience and understanding.

They cannot discriminate against you for having mental health problems any more than they can for having physical health problems.

There is no question that ANYONE suffering from depression/PTSD is going to have it impact their performance. My daughter (age 32) FINALLY went on medication and found that the bipolar meds helped her so much more than just antidepressants--it turned out to be a diagnosis as well as relief. So there is light at the end of the tunnel.

Also, I have to say that the medication they have now can be so finely tuned, it is really amazing. You have so much humor and insight to share-- take good care of yourself and for the love --get some face time with some exmos where you can let down your hair.

Best,

Anagrammy

You are an incredibly funny and expressive writer

Popular too!

Even little black symbols on a screen can somehow convey your personality, your wit, your passion and charm...

In short you are one the best assholes around!

Wish I could be there to buy the drinks, to poke fun at the bastards,

mostly I wish I could write like you do so I could say you are the best, we all support you...

shit,,,see what I mean?

take care

Sorry to hear that. Does your work provide you with any professional medical assistance and long term disability? If so, I would take full advantage of it.
I had to see a councilor a few years back and my work paid for it 100% and it was completely confidential. They offered to give me a medical order so I could take time off work, but I declined.
If there is such thing offered, your work would be bound to follow a doctor's recommendation. I hope you have some recourse that way. If not, take the best care that you can, and do the best for you.
Hoping things go better for you.

In 1995 I was having problems at work because my antidepressant had stopped working and I was depressed out of my mind and having anxiety attacks. They tried to make me quit because they caught me looking at non work-related sites on the internet. They gave me the choice of quitting or paying them $6000 for the time I had wasted. I told them I would think about it and left. I went straight to see my doctor. I told him what was going on and asked if there was anything he could do to help me out. He put me on a new antidepressant; gave me some Xanax; and put me on short-term disability. You should have seen the look on their faces when I took the note from my doctor into the director of human resources the next day. It was priceless. I wish I would have had a camera.

I was on disability for 3-4 months. I slept 12+ hours a day for the first 6 weeks. Just to make things interesting my second child was born during this time. After about 10 weeks I started feeling well enough to start looking for another job with less stress. I found one and notified my old employer that I would not be returning to work.

A big part of the reason I was having anxiety attacks was because I was being pressured to complete a project, by myself, in less than 13 weeks. I was too depressed to realize that it was completely unreasonable for anyone to do it in that amount of time.

About a year after I went on disability my new employer hired a guy who was leaving his job at my previous employer. As it turned out, he was my replacement. He and 4-6 other people had been working on the project since I had left. They had been working 60+ hour weeks for almost a year and barely finished it before the penalty clause in the contract kicked in. They had offered him a $5000 bonus if he just stayed until the project was delivered and another $5000 if he stayed 3 more months but he was so fed up with the place that he couldn't stand it any more.

When you're depressed you don't see the options that are available to you. You are trying so hard to just keep things together that you don't see the big picture. I urge you to see a psychiatrist. They specialize in treating depression and other mental disorders with medications. They know what works and what doesn't. They are much better than just seeing your regular family practice doctor. If your work has short-term disability I urge you to get your doctor to put you on it so you can take some time and get feeling better.

Let me know if there is ANYTHING I can do to help.

You are such an inspiration to people on the board. You have walked through hell and now this! (Plus that crazy assed letter from your mother-in-law on the other thread)

Like you mentioned, older people still see mental illness as an excuse to loaf around. I suffer from a form of PTSD and it's as much of an excuse to be lazy as cancer, high blood pressure, heart diease or any other problem.

Just once I'd like to tell on of those old bastards with cancer "hey, if you just have a positive attitude, it will go away".

I really believe that one day in the far future people will look back and say "you mean they really made sick people go to work?" "A person's job was more important than his health?"

RJ I will stop here before I go on an angry rant about capitalist explotation and just say I wish all the best to you as you struggle with what I call the unseen demon.

Keep posting! You are a fantastic writer!