A long time ago, probably in 2001 or so, I used to come here and read. I was questioning and the things I was reading on these boards were agitating me... making me doubt more. Making me angry that people here so smugly proclaimed it was NOT the True Church. I started trolling the boards... yes, I was pretty obnoxious and I guess it was my way of dealing with the internal conflict. Sorry for that, admins. Anyway, I started really digging up a lot of info and realizing that yeah, I was living a false dream. I started posting a lot... sincerely looking for direction. By 2003 I wrote my resignation letter and officially left the church, and posted about that here too. This was a HUGE step for me. I had been a convert at age 17, went to Ricks college, taught a lot of classes, was in the Young Women's Presidency, married in the temple, had a bunch of kids, did all my genealogy, work for the dead, etc etc. Was about as 'true blue' as a person can be.

So when I left it was horrible, distressing, I felt so lost and afraid. I was scared to go do anything on Sunday. What if my kids drowned because I took them swimming instead of going to church? What if we got in a fatal car wreck because we went shopping on the Sabbath? That kind of thing. I was scared to buy actual underwear. I was a nervous wreck about everything. I knew the church was not true but I didn't know how to just BE without it. If I wasn't Mormon, who was I?

Even a few years back I was stressing out because my exhusband wanted to be sealed to his new wife. I was flipping out because even though I didn't believe in sealings anymore, it was upsetting me that my kids would technically be sealed to this new woman. And I still felt this weird guilt when I talked to Mormons, or about the church, or about my leaving. I used to come here a lot and read and think and try to feel better.

Just the other day, I realized I hadn't been here in a long time. Nor have I noticed when it was General Conference weekend, or thought about anything church related. I drink coffee without a second thought. My underwear is such a non issue. I am comfortable in my own skin and have zero fear about church stuff anymore. I am, in fact, not just an "ex-Mormon"... I have evolved into just ME. Just being. Not an ex. Just who I am.

Amazing. It took ten years after leaving to get to this place. I remember when I thought I would never heal, or feel normal, or get over it. I want to tell you folks who are scared, or going through it now, or think leaving the church is 'the end' in some way... you will heal. You will be okay. Follow the path your integrity demands. Healing will come and there will be a day when the Mormon church is not even a second thought or a hint of a memory in your everyday life. You can BE. You will be truly free. I just want you to know that. It is so worth it.

...and further and further back, until even the details are hard to make out. Way to go!

Way to go! I felt the way you did. I was only a convert for a few months but when I first left, I felt guilty about everything - even coffee and iced tea! I felt guilty if I wore sleeveless shirts too!
Incredible the amount of mind control that they try to inflict on members.

Thanks for your story. I think that even when we initially realize it is a fraud, there is time needed to heal. Mormonism still can have a deep psychological grip.. even when we intellectually know it to be false. This decompressing can take years. There is a need to replace old beliefs, habits, and release anger/pain. This takes time.

I have been visiting this board off and on since 2004 under a few different names. I just recently started visiting the board again because of curiosity. I have gotten past the "searching" stage. I am more curious about the recent antics of TSCC and hope to impart anything I have learned on my journey.

Thank you.

Just - Sincere Thanks.

"If I wasn't Mormon, who was I?"
That hits the nail on the head. I'm dealing with that now. Last Sunday, going on a hike instead of to church, I realized, "I've never really felt free to figure out my own approach to spirituality... not dictated by the church. Finding my own approach to everything else works best for me, why not the most personal of all things? And why didn't I ever think about that before?"
It's gonna take time. Thanks for the encouragement.

"Follow the path your integrity demands." Isn't that the truth. I so love that statement. If everyone truly did that even if it takes 10 yrs. there would be so much healing and happiness in your life and all the fear and sense of guilt would be gone forever. Glad you are at that happy place in life.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/17/2013 10:45PM by honestone.

is it really for real this time ?

kc,

your post made my day, week, month, year; Eternity!

Great to hear.

Even tho I have been out for 42 years, I prolly still carry a little Mormonism in my blood...

Good news! I am happy to read about your experience. This board is making an incredible difference in my ex-mo experience. It has been 28 years since I left the church but I have been alone in my leaving since then. I discovered this board in the summer of 2013, and now I can finally come to peace and resolution in regard to my leaving. It is powerful to realize I am Not Alone.

oremgirl Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> It has been 28 years since I left the church but I have been
> alone in my leaving since then.

Wow. That is a long, long, long time. I wouldn't mind you starting another thread and telling us all about it. How on earth did you manage it?

Dave the Atheist~

it is really for real. Funny thing, for a long time I had some sort of anxiety or uneasiness about leaving the church, every single day. Then it seemed I forgot to be worried some days... and more and more days just seemed normal. I'd only really stop and think about it when I had coffee, or went out to eat on Sunday, or drove past the temple, or when the kids brought it up. Then over time, those thoughts and anxiety and stress got smaller and more infrequent, until the only time I really thought about the church was during General Conference. I always remembered on GC weekend. A couple years ago, I remember the first time I FORGET it was General Conference month! When I realized that, I was so happy! Like the church was finally leaving my brain. And now? I was sitting here bored and trying to think of things to read online, went to my old bookmarks and there were all these mormon and anti sites. And I realized... I have zero thoughts about mormonism anymore, unless someone else brings it up. And the emotion, the anxiety, the hurt and fear are completely gone. Gone! Time, I think, healed everything. I am so thankful and happy.

Life IS GOOD! And it is so, so worth doing the right thing, even if it hurts for awhile and aches for years, I am telling you all that it feels really great to be free.

Thank you for this uplifting post, kc! I hope my oldest step-son, a convert at 15, will some day be free like you :0

Oh! And your words here make me think of this 90s song; it's indeed good to be free & your words sound like you wanna fly!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=zUtnwcv-quE

Your children are never going to be his new wife's property. Period

Fred~

oh I know that now. That is part of how I know I am REALLY recovered. 1) I don't care who is sealed to whom, because it isn't real. Even though I "knew" it wasn't real a few years ago, it still bothered me emotionally. I was not recovered. It truly has no effect on me now. And, 2) some of them are banding together all excited to baptize a staunch atheist friend of mine who recently passed. This would have made me irate a couple years ago. Now, I shrug, I know it is their way of coping with the loss and it is truly meaningless, so it doesn't bother me.

That is a huge, HUGE change from a couple of years ago.

topping this thread for the suicidal dude. You WILL HEAL.

Great post. It is so true, time starts healing you. I too remember when I was afraid to ditch the garments and I couldn't understand how people could just put them in the trash. I was looking at them the other day and thinking that it is probably time that they are thrown away on garbage day.

I used to read every post here in 2010 and now I just glanced and then choose what to read, and it is not daily anymore.

The hardest part is to be me because I forgot who me was. Every time I discover something about myself that is truly who I was born to be and I still am is a wonderful day. It's incredible how much of myself was replaced with Mormonism.

Hey, I was going to post about garments! :)

I remember when I decided to put them in the dumpster outside my apartment. There was a little twinge of waiting for lightning or something. I knew it was all bullshit, but still...

I've had some experiences since then that have caused me to question my own ability to think, and it has been very helpful to visit all the ex-Mormon websites out there for confirmation of its bullshittedness.

Another one finally recovered. I hate to sound so religious, but hallelujah!

I could have written your post. It's amazing how deep and entrenched the indoctrination is, and how intertwined the emotional manipulation is. Everything about that cult is fear based, i.e. must pay tithing to go to temple for fear of losing your family in eternity, must keep sabbath holy or you'll drown or lose protection of the priesthood, must be obediant or something bad will happen, and on and on. These are real fears and phonbias that exmo's feel post resignation. I had them too. I've been out five years after 40+ years. I went to the temple to see my oldest daughter married about a month before I resigned. Even though I didn't believe, I still thought something bad could happen to me, i.e. accident, burned by fire, demon poccession, etc. The cult underpinnings run deep despite logic and objectivity. Glad you're doing well.

So glad to read others' experiences here! I had forgotten about the fear of throwing the garments away. In fact, I think when I did that, I did the whole "cut out all the symbols and snip them into teensy bits" thing. That was so many years ago now. Actually I saved the best (newest) set of garments in a box with my green apron to show to my children someday, in case they ever wondered what the temple is about! They are probably in a box in the garage somewhere!

Well said.

I figured I had recovered when the ongoing pressure from family to come back to church no longer worked on me, and I could respond with humor, instead of anger.

Some feel they have to avoid all things Mormon. I welcome anyone from the church if they feel like visiting. Of course, they end up hearing things from me they don't like, so I haven't had a visit in years. Don't even need to bother resigning.

Any more, mostly come here for the funny or crazy stories. Just some nostalgia, I guess.