What is the latest update on missionary home coming?

I'd like to know as well

She scarcely mentioned him last post, a week after his return. She was mostly interested in his mother, her body language, her rudeness, her feelings.

Maybe we'll get an update on the mother.

Anagrammy

Hey guys!
Sorry I've been really busy with classes and work and the boyfriend lately.
So where I last left off...
I told boyfriend I don't feel comfortable in his home (when his mother is there) and have severely cut down on coming over and visiting.
It's really difficult to not go to his house and spend a bunch of time there. I live out in the boonies of our town and it's just more convenient to go to his house. My parents are always on my ass about something or another and he can't stay too late. Whereas at his house I'll stay until one in the morning sometimes.

He is starting to understand why I don’t like going over there when his mother is home. His dad and brother are great and I’ve always gotten along with them. His dad shows no animosity towards me. I wouldn’t expect him too either – that’s just the kind of person he is. His mom, however, is… she’s crazy. Still. Lol didn’t expect that to change.

He has spoken with his mom about his doubts. They’re not so much doubts as… he knows they’re lies. They discussed how his other siblings came to be inactive and their doubts. The sibling situation is pretty much equally divided. Half are Mormon, half aren’t. His mom was (as always) quite emotional. Not too bad this time though.
His mother just left for a few weeks to visit her oldest daughter and her Mormon family (who have offered to have boyfriend live with them) so I’ve been visiting often.
We spent a really great Valentine’s Day together.
He wrote me a note on how much he loves and cares about me and how he truly appreciates everything I’ve done for him and how much I’ve sacrificed for him. So that was really nice.

I really can’t complain.
I guess I can, but it would be mostly about his family.
On Sunday’s I go over to his house when his mom, dad, and brother are at church and we hang out there. Before they get back I’ll drive him to my house and we’ll spend the rest of Sunday there. He gets semi frequent visits from church people.
I remember this last Sunday evening we were driving up to his house and I saw some man at his door so I kept driving. He told me to keep going because it was Bishop and he’s been avoiding his calls and stuff like that.

The thing that makes me feel the best is when he’ll make side comments.
For example the other day he was discussing the military because he has been considering joining the Army. We were talking about the different branches and I told him the one I’d least like for him to join is the Marines. He said something along the lines of “No, I wouldn’t join the Marines. I’ve already been brainwashed once. I think that’s quite enough for one lifetime.”
Like at first I was worried about ‘well what if he gets pulled back into it?’
But he’s smart. And he’s strong and he knows what’s going on.

Something that does anger me is when we were talking about him starting college. He doesn’t have any money. He told me that his dad had always said that he would fund his mission, but he would have to figure out school himself. That made me so angry.
He won’t pay for something that would be useful to his own son but will shell out money for some bullshit reason?
The thing that amazes me the most about him is that he’s not angry. He doesn’t get angry at the fact that his whole life he has been taught a lie. I think he mainly feels blessed. Like this is a new start, and a new chance. I admire him for that.
Because if it were me, I'd be pissed. I've talked to him about it because I thought maybe I should be worried he hasn't gotten mad. But with him, I really don't think it's an issue.
It probably has something to do with his Mormon upbringing to not cause a fuss. But that's just something that will work itself out as he finds himself more.

Something that does scare him a little bit is he says that his whole base has been yanked out from underneath him. He says he’d like to write down his new morals, ethics, what have you. I told him that, yes, TSCC does teach some good things. Don’t cheat, steal, lie. I told him that he’s a good person and as long as you do good and be good and know right from wrong, those are some good grounds to stand on. However I said whatever would help him. I’m not the kind of person that takes to writing down their feelings or thoughts in order to express them. I’m not sure if he is, either. So we’ll have to see.

So, there’s your update! I’m working and doing my thing, he’s trying very hard to look for a job and try and get some income so that he can start his life finally. He's never been happier or more at peace with himself.
Thanks for asking I really appreciate it. It makes me feel like I’ve got a pretty good support system going on here. I’m the support system for him, but every once in awhile I do need some guidance myself.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/16/2011 01:03AM by rockfish.

Thanks for the update. I've been following your story with great interest. A few thoughts:

First of all, I'm very impressed with your boyfriend. I wish I had been smart enough at his age to see through the BS. It's a difficult process for him now, but the personal cost will be a lot lower than if he had stayed in for another 10 years before figuring things out. Kudos to you for sticking by him.

Regarding anger: Losing your religion is a lot like losing a loved one, including very similar stages of grief. Anger happens at different times for different people. One of my brothers left the church about 5 years ago and just barely hit his anger stage. I got extremely angry right after I figured out the lie and stayed angry for 2 full years. At the time, I assumed my brother had either not had as bad of an experience as I did, or had already worked through his anger and made peace with it.

I've mostly made peace with my situation. My brother, on the other hand, told me that he is now in his angry stage, like I was a couple of years ago. It just took him a little longer to get there than it did me.

Be prepared for some instability as your boyfriend reaches his anger stage. It can be an extremely intense experience for the one going through it, and I'm not sure anyone who hasn't experienced it can fully understand. Consider getting him to see a therapist to help him work through the issues that come up.

Regarding school: Depending on what your boyfriend wants to study, a community college may be a good place to start. I know a lot of people, including me, who started at inexpensive 2-year schools and moved on to more prestigious schools for bachelor's and graduate programs.

If his parents are unwilling to assist with school, he might want to look into emancipation. I don't know much about that- maybe someone who does can comment and explain, but I'm under the impression that he may be able to gain legal status such that he can apply for federal financial aid without listing his parents' income.

When considering 4-year programs, he should apply multiple places, and use the best financial aid package he is offered to try to negotiate a better deal at other schools. I did this with my graduate program and got all my tuition paid for through scholarships, while many of my colleagues who didn't play the game only got half tuition or nothing at all.

My parents didn't pay for my schooling either, because most of their money that could have been used for that purpose got thrown down the rat hole (by which I mean tithing). They did pay for a lot of my mission, but I had to bootstrap myself through school. After my mission, I spent about two years working low paying dead-end jobs- including construction, security and pizza delivery- to save money for school. I made some dumb decisions that cost me money and slowed me down, but I eventually got there. By the time I got back into school, I was old enough to qualify for Pell grants without listing my parent's income, and my grades were good enough to qualify for academic scholarships. Between that and working 10-20 hours/week and full time during the summer, I finished my bachelor's degree with no debt.

When the time came to pick a graduate program, I applied and interviewed at 6 different schools, and used the best financial aid offer I received to negotiate a better financial aid package at the school I really wanted to attend. I ended up getting all my tuition for my master's degree covered by scholarship, leaving only living costs, fees and books to worry about. I spent about $2,000 traveling to do this, but saved about $60,000 by not having to pay my own tuition. Probably the single best investment I ever made.

Regarding living costs: This isn't for everyone, but there are people who live out of their cars, showering at the gym and doing laundry at coin-op establishments. It's amazing how cheaply a person can live when you remove rent from the equation. Here's a site with information on that: http://www.vandwellers.org/ I've never done this, but if I hadn't already been married when I started grad school I would have seriously considered it. I tell people this is my ultimate back-up plan- no matter what else happens in my life, as long as I have a car, I have a place to sleep. :)

Lastly, knowledge is power. When I stopped believing in the church, there were still some seemingly faith-promoting things that I didn't have an explanation for. Since then, I've done a lot of research to find out the rest of the story, and discovered that there are rational explanations for everything the church claims as faith-promoting. You should both learn about critical thinking, learn about cult mind-control, and study the historical issues. The things you both learn during that process will help you root out any lingering seeds of cult programming that might otherwise suck him back in later.

Good luck to both of you.

What a fascinating story. Would he consider applying for ROTC? Our second son paid for all of his schooling that way. He owes the air force 10 years after he earned his pilot's wings, but other commitments are not as long if one does not become a pilot (or other profession with a longer commitment).

What about you? What are your school plans? Many of second son's married friends are both air force officers.

And congratulations on his return - I really didn't think this would turn out so well - I am delighted to have been proven wrong!

I have a friend who is an officer in the Army and I've told boyfriend to talk to him about anything he had questions with. So they've been talking on and off for the past couple of weeks. He probably would consider ROTC once he looks into it more.
I'm trying to kick his butt to get him in gear to start applying for schools and such. I know if he tried he could get a decent scholarship. He scored almost perfectly on his ACTs (except the math portion) without even studying so I have no doubt that if he tried he could get free money.

If he did join the Army or the Air Force there is a base just a few hours outside of where we live now. And if I go to the University I've been planning on going to it would be even closer to where I'm at.
He'd eventually be getting money from the military for living expenses. Us moving in together eventually is pretty inevitable at this point - when we both can be fairly independent and that money would definitely make it easier on me financially.

My school plans are to finish my two year by the end of this semester, then off to a university. I've been pretty much geared towards speech pathology.

In the beginning I definitely had serious doubts about everything as well. And even towards the end I was quite skeptical.
I'm glad that everyone was proven wrong too! :)

Do you have an available older sister who's like you?

So there are happy endings to this insanity after all.

We all hope the very best for you two!

...then he goes where he is assigned. He might possibly have a few choices, but the chances of him being assigned to the base close to you are small at best.

My brother did Army ROTC. It helped to pay for his schooling, and gave him some great professional experience. His next-to-last base was in Hawaii! He was the complete surfer dude on his down time.

Don't forget the Navy! They have some nice bases, and most of the time you would not be too far from the water.

Speech pathology is a wonderful career. I've spoken to several school-based speech pathologists and they are all very happy. The only downside is a lot of paperwork and forms to file, but even then, it's far less than what teachers deal with. Employment opportunities are great as well.