He snooped my history last week and found this sight. He does not remember (conveniently) that 5 years ago I told him I was on here and I tried to get him to talk to me about it. I tried to tell him why I felt the way I did. He wanted no part of it. He said he doesn't even know who I am anymore and that we are going in two different directions.
I filed for divorce 2 months ago and have been through hell. We told the kids and they were so heart broken and he moved out. It upset me so badly that I told him if he went on antidepressents and got some anger managment and couciling that I would put the divorce on hold until we could see if there is a way to work it out. I am thinking I made a mistake doing this. He keeps throwing this sight in my face and is accusing me of some really off the wall things.
I have a lot of friends who are gay and lesbian. I have always been out spoken about there rights and never been ashamed of to call them my friends or to be seen with them. I am supposed to start my dream job as a director at a ski resort next week, something I am looking so forward to and have also worked hard to get. My husband is freeking out. He accused me of having a relationship with my soon to be boss,"SHE" is married with kids and grandkids and as far as I know not a lesbian. I hate to disapoint all you guys out there but not all women have lesbian tendencies and I have none. None. Sorry. I don't know if he just doesn't want me to take the job because of all the tourist (men) and the fun I will have or if he really feels threatened by her. He says he doesn't know if he can handle me working with her everyday. I think he is trying to make it impossible for me to take the job and will make me choose between him and job.
I think he feels because I come to this sight and talk to "YOU PEOPLE" that I am capable of anything and have no moral or character. No matter how much I love my kids and don't want to put them through this I will not loose myself in this situation.

If you filed for divorce, what makes hm think it is any business of his where you work? He sounds controlling enough that I think you are doing well by ridding yourself of him as much as you can, considering that you'll always have the bond of kids in common.

I had so much fun doing that! It's the kind of job that keeps you young. Why on earth would you have to choose between a job and a man? Take the job and be happy.

As for his accusations about your relationship with your boss, that is so eye-roll worthy.

I find it rather creepy that your husband, who has already moved out, had the gall to browse the history on your computer. If he keeps throwing this site in your face, tell him that this is who you are now (and have been for some time if he had only been paying attention,) and he'll just have to put on his big boy pants and get over it.

You choose how to spend your time and he chooses how to spend his. He sounds controlling for sure. Your kids need to know the issues you are dealing with and although it is heartbreaking always for kids of divorce -regardless of their ages- you need to be in a healthy relation ship. And if it isn't then the kids see that and it is not a good situation either. Good luck. IF he can't live his life and let you live yours to your liking, then it seems a long separation is in order if not divorce.

Your husband sounds like a total jerk. First of all, so what if you are or are not gay? What he's doing has nothing to do with that. It's all about finding a way to get you to blame yourself for his ongoing abuse. He has no right to criticize you and make you feel bad for anything. He's threatened by your independence and the promotion you've been offered because it represents a loss of control over your life for him. He's going to do anything he can to manipulate you into thinking you're choosing the job over him to get you to turn down this promotion. Think of it more like choosing the job over his abuse, because that's what you're actually doing.

I suggest you do some research on domestic abuse because what he is doing is textbook. He's now using your promise to reconsider the relationship as another excuse to blame you for his bullying!

Since you have filed for divorce you have a right to your own space without him entering it, including the home where you live with your children. If you are working late then he needs to pick up the kids and take them to his house for them to sleep over there. If he won't take them then hire someone to come over and sue him to pay for it. He obvious has no concept of boundaries so you will need to set some very clear ones and enforce them. It's all about demanding a little respect. If he doesn't accept it then file a restraining order.

Do not give this guy another chance. Abusers ALWAYS promise to change then give a honeymoon period where they convince you things will be better while also blaming you for why things were so bad in the first place. For a short period things usually do seem better, but in actuality it's all part of the cycle. If not for yourself, do it for your children. They do not deserve to grow up watching their mother suffer ongoing abuse from their father. It completely screws with their heads and gives them a warped image of what relationships are all about.

Do not let him use the kids against you in any way because that will be his next step. Keep careful documentation of these interactions so you can establish a pattern to giver yourself leverage in protecting your children.

Find yourself a therapist who will help you work on recognizing these patterns in a people. General knowledge about abusive personalities will help you. It is possible to recognize an abuser just after a couple dates, if not right away. Most often people who get into these types of relationships do so over and over until they figure out what the warning signs are and learn to avoid people who display them.

Now go tell yourself this over and over, "This is not my fault. How he treats me is not my fault." It's important to undo all the conditioning he's done to you over the years, and the first thing you must do is stop blaming yourself for his anger and resentment.

By the way, October is National Domestic Violence Awareness Month. Please remember to wear a purple ribbon, or purple shirt to show your support.

I need to come here more often because everytime I do you guys give me a reality check, tell me what I don't want to hear but what I need to hear, Make me feel un-crazy and give me love and support.
I appreciate all of your comments especially you Tahoe Girl, you have always been there for me. Thanks for the web sights, they make me realize its not my fault.
I have a great lawyer and stong family and friends base and I know I will get through this.
Thanks again all.

None of this is easy, but you're a strong woman and will end up being just fine. I'm glad that I can help. Noone, not one soul, told me that I was OK and that it wasn't my fault. I really thought that there was something inherently wrong with me to cause my now-ex to treat me that way. I look back at that now with such sadness.

I had always known that he treated me unkindly and disrespectfully. Then 2 or 3 years ago someone posted a link to that Heartless Bitches website on here. I read it, then did a search for other info about emotional abuse. As I read I cried, realizing that what he had done all those years was emotionally abusing me. I'm SOOOOOO much better off now. I should have left the marriage decades before I did, but like I said, I thought I was the defective one.

Go have a great time with your new job. Have a great time with the rest of your life also. You're quite a bit younger than I was when I divorced (I was almost 48), and you have many good years left ahead of you.

Hugs and support sent your way :)

TG

It's really hard to break an abuse cycle. Many women never manage it. You're doing awesome!

Major question: so what?

So what if he has opinions about your being on this site? So what if he thinks you have a relationship with your boss? Does he really have that kind of stranglehold on you?

What I don't understand about women is sometimes they already know the answer but they still wring their hands and worry about what the husband, or future ex, will think. He "already" thinks of you as "his" property, he does think very lowly of you, why stick around?

I can't put enough exclamation points on that!!!!!!!!!

I've been following your story since you first came here. Get the divorce done and out of the way. He continues to play on your emotions. He continues to emotionally abuse you. He continues to control you. He continues to wear you down, causing you to question yourself and your decisions. He continues to manipulate you. Put a stop to it now.

HE WILL NEVER CHANGE. NEVER. NEVER. NEVER.

And you can bet he hasn't stopped sleeping around with other women.

Change the locks on your house and allow him no access. Someone else can put the kids to bed. If he absolutely must be there, make sure that your computer is off and that he doesn't know your password to log on. But he really should have no reason to be there, especially if you're not there.

Your children's hearts may break but, rough as this may sound, that's life and they'll deal with it. It's better than you sticking around with this guy who has done so much over these many years to hurt you. You will be SO MUCH BETTER OFF WITHOUT HIM. It will make a big difference in you, which in turn will make a big difference for your children. I've been there, done that, and although my husband was not as rotten as yours, it was pretty bad for me emotionally which has greatly affected my children.

Please, please, PLEASE read every word at these two sites.

http://www.heartless-bitches.com/rants/manipulator/emotional_abuse.shtml

http://www.youarenotcrazy.com/

I know I'm blunt, but I care about you and want you to be happy. Take it from a 51 year old woman who spent 25 years in an emotionally abusive marriage.

Keep posting here for continued support. We're all behind you :)

TG

He is covering his own trail by grasping at straws. Not loving.

If he throws ANYTHING in your face, tell him he can communicate with your lawyer from here on out. (Get one if you have to.)

Breaking free from an emotionally abusive relationship can be very, very hard but you will one day look back and thank your lucky stars you did. And your children will both be healthier and happier in the long run for learning how to protect themselves from abuse.

And Vhainya is absolutely right -- document everything. You may need it in the future if he attempts to emotionally manipulate your children to their detriment.

Even if you WEREN'T getting a divorce, you still wouldn't owe him an explanation for visiting this site. You are not a little girl who needs some kind of permission to surf the internet in your own home. HE'S the one who needs to explain why he was on YOUR computer when you weren't home. The way he is so controlling and lacks boundaries, I would NEVER let him in the house again, especially not alone.

He would have no business trying to undermine your job and make ridiculous accusations of you being involved with your female boss (and if he actually thought you were attracted to women, why would he want to be married to you? . . . . . I call BS on him. He's just trying to upset and manipulate you and put you on the defensive).

He sounds like a complete jerkwad controller. Whatever emotional problems he has . . . they give him NO right to mistreat you. Don't let him suck you back in, with promises he'll change. He won't.

Please get away from this man.

I have to agree with Tahoe Girl! There is no better way to put it than he is very controlling and very, very emotionally abusive. Not long ago i finally got out of a relationship that should have ended long before. Why did it take so long? I allowed her to continually make me feel like maybe I could have done more, that things were always my fault, that i should consider her more even while she did not so the same. Don't continue to be a "fixer". Don't make the mistake of thinking that if you just are understanding enough, patient enough, kind enough, set the right example or any other excuse for not giving up will eventually fix the situation and change him.

Get the hell out of this mess and eventually you can show your kids what a relationship should be like. Ask yourself this question, and very strongly consider the answer; How do I want my children to define a "healthy" relationship?

They cannot learn what a healthy relationship in this situation. Do not give him chances to change, that ship has sailed. If you continue, your children run the very real threat of repeating your mistakes. Do not give any more chances. Please listen to the voices of experience you are hearing here.

Good Luck
Clint

He's a bad 'un and no mistake.

Limit contact to as little as possible and choose to live YOUR life as you want. Abusers never change.

Next time he asks you about your relationship with your boss, or makes an assertion, tell him that he is so far off base that he must be projecting. Ask him if he is fantasizing about having a sexual relationship with his boss, or if he would like to have a sexual relationship with your boss.

Lots of great responses here.

About him accusing you of being a lesbian--men do that to heterosexual women all the time as a way to manipulate them. Men then say "prove you're not by being with/sleeping with me." It's passive aggressive mind control and abuse.

He has no business on your computer EVER without your express permission, especially when you aren't home. He has no respect for your personal privacy, to which everyone is entitled, EVEN IN A MARRIAGE.

He's worried about losing control over you because of your good job and promotion. TAKE IT AND RUN!!

ante on his manipulation techniques. And he gets away with it.
Time to stop engaging him. Time to take your power back and not play along.

Make your computer password protected. That will stop his snooping.

Sounds like he is unstable and needs some help learning how to behave in a reasonable, adult manner.

I've followed your posts for the whole time, and I know what a hard decision it has been for you.

Come back here every day if you need the support, but you have to keep moving forward. The longer it drags out, the more weird stuff he'll think up.

And yes, document everything and give your lawyer a copy.

You and your kids deserve better than this.

Having been through "divorce"--I was reading all of the posts with interest. I'm always a little hesitant to tell someone to divorce. I know what it entails.

After reading everything (I couldn't remember all I've read about your situation over the years)--he has been cheating on you for a long time and now he thinks he can manipulate you back? Oh my! IF he really wanted to fix this marriage, he'd be bending over backwards being kind to convince you to come back.

Your kids will survive. They aren't the only children of divorce out there. Actually, their life will probably improve in many ways without him there.

Even if Dr. Phil isn't an expert, I still go back to him saying,--we teach people how to treat us and we should expect to be treated with dignity and respect.

I think your job sounds absolutely wonderful. Don't for one minute consider not taking it.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 10/09/2010 11:54AM by cl2.

He's just looking for new ways to control you, as I'm sure others have pointed out. The sooner you stop thinking of him as your husband and caring what he thinks, the better.

:-)

I know from having observed my mom closely in her retirement years that you can never have too much money when you retire. My dad left her with sufficient assets, but over the years inflation and investment return fluctuations took their toll.

This is part of the reason why it's important that you start, and continue to enjoy the position of resort director. You will need the financial security and independence that the job provides you both now, and more importantly later when you retire. Having an important job also boots your self esteem.

ITA with those who say that your husband is an abuser. Get out of your marriage now! And change those door locks.

There are plenty of decent guys out there. As you know, a ski resort is a prime place to meet them. ;-) But I also want you to know that I think you'll enjoy being single for however long that's the case. I enjoy it!

I think it's hilarious that your husband "doesn't know if he can handle" you working with your boss every day. Can he honestly say this with a straight face? If he ever says that again, look him in the eye and say firmly, "Well you're going to HAVE to deal with it, because that's what I'm going to do whether YOU like it or not." And then do it!

It's your soon-to-be-ex that needs the boot! :-)

You didn't make the decision on a whim. And you did not make it in a vacuum. You did not just wake up one morning and decide to chuck it all. YOU HAD SERIOUS REASONS for taking the step. He has just shown you, in no uncertain terms, that he is NOT going to change. Who the hell does he think he is? One adult does not SPY on another. A loving, supportive partner wants the best for you. LIKE THIS GREAT NEW JOB! I agree with cl2, to a great extent you teach people how to treat you. This must have worked for him in the past or he would not be trying it now. He doesn't like you being here? Well too bad for him. People that SPY often don't like the things they find. He doesn't like your new job? Toughie for him, it is none of his business. And count me among those that think the new boss is nothing but an excuse. He doesn't want you where he can't control you. I bet ya he goes there to SPY on you at some point as that seems to be his MO.

And really, IMHO, you are not doing him or the kids any favor by dragging it out. The sooner everyone has a clear idea on where they stand the better. You don't make progress by going back wards or standing still.

And I agree with you that TG gives good advice :)

Please keep in mind, Chic, that your ex-2-b is oppositional to the max. If you say black, he'll say white. Just to keep you unsettled and uncertain--for the sake of getting you to doubt yourself your decisions. Then you might give in to him.

His verbal abusive statements, his put downs, heavy-duty or niggling, are actually very predictable. They come when you are feeling good about yourself, like getting ready for a new job, or even admiring a sunset or a dinner you cooked. If you feel good about yourself, he thinks, why would you want to be with him? It's too bad, but you can't change this in him. In his mind, he has got to keep you down!

I strongly suspect that if you were to go back to him, you will end up right where you are now sometime soon, and regretting the lost time and opportunities. I say forge ahead with the divorce and protect yourself and your kids.

I think your husband is telling you everything that you need to know about him and the situation. All you have to do is accept that he's telling you the truth. When I say the truth, his actions, not just the nice stuff he may say later.

His actions are what to listen too. You don't really ever need to know what someone thinks. People often say things like, "I wish I knew what he was thinking". Just look at what they do, and you'll know what they are thinking. He's telling you, and you just have to listen.

Nothing is an exception if it fits a pattern. It sounds like he's telling you that he doesn't like you. Doesn't like what you do or think. Doesn't like your ambition with regard to work. Wants to demean you with accusations. All you have to do is listen to the message he's giving.

When someone is telling you something, and everything is a message, body language, words, actions, EVERYTHING is a message. Many times those things tell a more accurate story than the words they say.

Putting them in a bind by point blank asking them about what you perceive doesn't usually do any good. Their rational side will try to come up with something that probably sounds better. But the message they were giving by their actions is the more truthful one. It is the one to listen to.

He was probably accidentally telling you the message that you got, but it was loud and clear and the truth. You just have to listen.

The snow sports industry is a Sausage Fest.

You'll be able to find much better very soon. If that's what you want.

Change the locks on the doors to the house,immediately, and instruct your children & others involved that he is not to cross the threshold of the front door of YOUR house- This is very important if you are not at home, but he comes to the house to pick up the children through another adult. Let him wait outside if he comes for his turn with the children, while you get there things together, or meet with the children at a neutral place to switch vehicles.

When I did this 10 years ago, the locksmith also advised I put a sign in the window next to the door that a divorce was in process and that another locksmith or cop could let him in under the guise of a "lost key" or accidentally being locked out of "his" house.

Stand firm on this new rule, even after the divorce goes through. It can take years to get it through this kind of person's head that he no longer can run your life and that you are now an independent separate unit. Right now, he believes that you an "extension" of himself and that he is entitled to do whatever he perceives is necessary to regain control.

What a creep. If he goes through your computer history, he will also sort through any mail or other stuff he can find in the house.. He cannot be trusted in YOUR house. Keep him out.