Hi there, I recently discovered this amazing site, which has helped come to me fully accept my full disbelief in the church.

Several months ago, I (stupidly) made the decision to go on a mission. Last month I got my mission call to the Chile Osorno mission, and I'll be going to the Mexico MTC in 2 weeks to learn Spanish.

The only thing is that I no longer believe in the church nor it's fraudulence. What really drove the falsehood home was my endowment ritual this last Saturday. Never have I felt more uneasy or sick in my life. To start off with, I have moderate social anxiety (messaging here is even pretty terrifying), and thinking about what happened in the temple truly drives my anxiety up the walls.

Now that the realization that I' going to be on a mission soon has set in, I've realized how much I've condemned myself to a personal Hell.

I do have a plan though, of sorts, and I would really appreciate any kind of input and advice. Please, I really badly need it.

My plan is to learn Spanish (so that way I get something useful out of my time), and work on my drawings while I'm there until I've become proficient in the language. Once I've done that I'll tell the MP that my anxiety has exacerbated to the point that it has become a total hindrance to my performance as a missionary, therefore I can't proceed with my mission, and I would like to return home as soon as possible, if not immediately.

Once I come home, I'll move in with a non-member friend who will have a place prepared for me to move into immediately. Shortly afterwards I'll take my fiance (who is feels the same way that I do about the church, and yes, I did propose to her before receiving my call.) and marry her once I've established enough funds to do so (also assuming that she does not get sucked into the mission herself). Otherwise we would just live together, as we leave and try to trickle out of the church together.

It's really difficult for me to quite comprehend at once all of the things that I should consider when planning to leave, and it's extremely terrifying for me to think about alone. I'm especially scared and worried about the distress and possible disappoint this will cause my family and other members of my ward who care dearly about me and who have been excited to see me "progress" in the church. When I do leave the church, I do have some non-member friends and family who will help me out though.

Basically, my projected time to leave the mission field would be around 7months to a year. I don't really know when would be best.

If any of you have any suggestions, recommendations, or comments please let me know. Thank you so much for your time and consideration. If I was unclear about something, I'll clarify. I apologize for any such instances or inconsistencies. Thanks again.

Thanks for the tip and I will! I was already planning on keeping it to myself the minute I read on this site that they take it from missionaries. Talk about controlling a person... As if everything else wasn't enough.

wow, can you just have sex with the fiancé? problem solved.

If you do go through with the mission plans though, Chile Osorno is a great place. My brother was there, loved it, and left the church a couple of months after getting back. And the people aren't that receptive so you'll have an excuse for not baptizing.

Well, to be fair, we were already planning/hoping for an opportunity to some time soon, haha. Of course, due to the weight of such an action it'd remain secret between her and I. I'm afraid of creating a massively negative impact on my family and such.

And thanks, that's really comforting to hear about Chile. I feel like I'm already so late into the game, so to speak, that I do have to go with the mission plans.

Thanks everyone! Everything that has been said has been really encouraging. I'll keep contemplating and considering as more people contribute. I hope I make the best decision possible.

seems to me it would be easier to just not go in the first place and find some other way to learn Spanish, but if you do go on the mission, at least you are going with a clear understanding of what you want to get out of the experience.

Are your parents paying monthly for your mission? How many months of their checks would purchase a copy of Rosetta stone? How many college hours would it have purchased?

I think you should be thoughtful of your parents hard earned money. While you want to use it to learn a language, they may have wanted to buy an RM son with it. Even though I don't approve of how they are spending it, it's still their choice.

A mission is totally voluntary. Just say no. Not a thing they can do about that. Planning to ditch a mission in 7 months sounds like a bad idea. You think you have all your ducks in a row, but some ducks are not under your control. Events have a way of not going exactly according to plan.

Engaged at 18? Seriously? How Mormon. Chill.

And yeah, the endowment is creepy. Amazing they can brainwash people enough that they no longer recognize that.

That's my two cents.

You don't have to go at all.
I wish you would explain your situation to these nonmembers friends and ask them to help you.
The day I turned 18 I fled my crazy obsessed TBM home to live in my car rather than endure one more moment of culty home life. They're still disappointed in me and I am 35 now, but at least I've lived the life I needed for my sanity. And it is far from "sinful" despite what TBMs say about those who leave.
This anxiety was instilled in you by the church, even if you can't recognize it right now.
The less exposure you get, the better you will feel! I have major anxiety too because of the church.
Bravery is doing things you are afraid of. Doesn't mean you don't feel the fear.
It was very brave of you to post here, I hope we can help you avoid the mission altogether, the MTC is a horrible place.

The primary reason for me to bleed it out in the mission for a few months, is to allow enough time for my close friend here at home to prepare a place for myself and another close friend to live together. Otherwise I'd be trapped here with nothing but disappointment and anguish from all corners of my world. Then there's this overbearing sense that I've already wasted the past several months waiting around I might as well go out there. I feel so ridiculous and asinine about this whole ordeal.

You think it will be bad at home if you don't go? Try going and living with a bunch of douchebags 24/7 who will make your life hell all day every day for not being a perfect Mormon. There is a huge cost to going on a mission.

Also, you are describing the sunk cost fallacy. Google it. You have already thrown away months over this, don't throw away any more.

Otherwise, it sounds like you have some good plans and a bright future ahead. Good luck, welcome, and all the best :)

I know you don't know what's in store for you in the MTC...
Can you imagine boot camp minus the exercise but with snitches all around waiting to turn you in for not playing along? Some other dude up in your space 24/7?
And you say you have social anxiety... Are you prepared to never get time to yourself to recharge? It's nothing like rooming with a sibling, it's worse than high school, it's middle school plus religious scrupulosity at all times.

They have convinced budding exmos to stay out for the full mission, they can literally get in your head.
I wish you'd take the resolve you have now, and your mission funds, and go rent a room already. Waiting for someone else to prepare the way while you are gone means it will never happen. You have to have frequent contact with your friend to keep him working toward your goals, but you can't do that from the MTC.

Seize your life or it will be taken from you one inch at a time. They've already gotten to you if you're feeling like you're wasting your time not going and might as well to kill time.
Oh well, nobody can ever tell teenagers anything, I remember, I was one. I didn't have this website when I left. I think maybe just knowing this safety net is here makes prospective exmos relax and go along for "just a little bit more"... Next thing you know it's five years later and they're still trying to keep mom and dad from being disappointed. Their feelings are their own, and there is no choice that doesn't lead to disappointment that doesn't involve you doing the full mormon gig.
Can you imagine, I thought I was the only one who ever wanted to leave without planning to turn to a life of crime?

There are much better ways to learn Spanish. I highly recommend you do not go. If your mission president is a dick he won't send you home because of anxiety. Most hardcore Mormons are miserable on their missions. I know I was. Really, just don't go.

Simple don't go. You can either man up and tell them it is because you have been researching the church, and realized you know it is a bunch of BS, emphasise the word KNOW, don't simply say believe it is not true, or you can make up an excuse based on worthiness issues.

Either way, they are going to judge you. So your choices are, live out the next two years in a miserable lie, tell them a lie that will cause temporary anguish and get you judged, or tell them the truth, and cause them temporary anguish and still get you judged. Oh, and besides causing yourself misery, if you go, you will not be doing your family any favors either. Missions are expensive, and they would be better off spending the money on a whole lot of other things, then forcing their child to do something that he doesn't want.

If they try to blackmail you into going, like threatening to not pay for college, that is emotional blackmail. You can then either go on your mission like a collaborating French Vichy, or you can stand up to them, and let them know your ethics are not up for negotiation, like a man.

In the end, the choice is up to you though.

Any volunteer has a right to take a different course.

Find a better way to learn Spanish.

Be brave and don't go. Better to face their disappointment and keep you integrity now than later.

Most importantly, remember that you are a VOLUNTEER (yes, I yelled that at the screen). You are not a slave or a paid employee, so
take with a grain of salt any mission rules that endanger your health, safety and well-being.

Do NOT give up your passport. Lots of stories here of the MP taking missionaries' passports "for safe keeping," but it's illegal for them to require that you relinquish it, and it may be illegal for you to not have it in your possession. Depends on the country, but regardless, you would need it with you if you decided to leave the mission and you don't want to have to beg the MP to fork it over.

Do not confess anything to the MP, ZL, DL, or your companions. They have no special priesthood powers that give them the gift of discernment to look into your eyes and see your "sins." Their authority is man-made and granted to them by other men, not by a God. Don't let them manipulate you or coerce you.

Good luck. It seems like you've given this a lot of thought. I hope the mission turns out to provide enough value to compensate for the time you are giving up that delays the beginning of the life you really want. If there's a way you can get out of going, you might want to consider it.

If you do go then you can do more then just learn Spanish. You will have a unique opportunity to learn about, and interact with, another culture. Let the Chileans convert you to their way of life for two years (at least as much as possible while on a mission). Also, you can always go back after your mission and try some of the things that the mission would not allow. You most likely will not have an opportunity like this ever again.

Good luck and best wishes

One more thing, if you are worried about how it will "look" it will be a bigger disgrace to come home early than to not go at all. When you do come home for medical reasons, you will be shunned as mentally unstable and depressive.

Also, if you come home early, you will have to buy your own plane ticket back. Tickets from Chile to USA are not cheap and the mission will keep you absolutely broke and unable to save anything up. To get out you will have to make a lot of noise and humiliate yourself in the process trying to convince the world you are mentally unstable..

From my perspective, the best thing to do would say you are having serious doubts and would not feel comfortable representing the church until you have those resolved. You can feign progress on your testimony, attend meetings, etc. until you feel ready to make a clean break. I knew a guy at BYU who did exactly that for years and was able to keep his friends and also avoid the mission at the same time as he "worked on his testimony"

That's a genius idea! I'm going to consider that really strongly now, thanks! How would I go about commencing this, do you know? My farewell is supposed to be on the 7th of February and I leave on the 12th...

Try and get your mom to walk in on you surfing RfM. You can then say that you saw some things on the internet that you had questions about, and now you are struggling. Tell them you have been praying a lot and reading your scriptures, but nothing seems to help. Then say that you don't think it would be a good time to go on a mission until you had fixed your testimony.

Tailor to your personality and BAM, everyone is saying "we love you and are praying for the lord to strengthen you during this trial" instead of judging you

I really like this plan, BTW.

It's a good plan, except it's probably too far along in the process. They will probably be willing to send him anyways, counting on the MTC to convert him to the task properly.
"A testimony is gained in the bearing of it" anyone?
This is going to take more sack than this guy has to get out of it by faking working on getting his testimony back.
He doesn't believe at all, but yeah, let's just lie some more...
The truth will hurt everyone around you, but that is not your fault. They have served you lie after lie their whole lives. There is no escaping the disappointment. They can keep it up until they die, just ask my parents.
But the cost to you to appease their feelings is too great! Look at you, already afraid of what will happen when they are disappointed! What kind of bullshit teachings this "church" gives parents. That's not how you love a child!
They sacrificed their freedom to this cult and fully expect you to as well. Be the pioneer in your own family that fights for a better life for your possible future children. You would support any child of yours so long as they weren't doing anything criminal or hurting themselves or others, right?
Don't let your parents bullshit you with how you are "hurting them", they are expecting the impossible of you, and that is not at all fair to you. You get to sacrifice yourself for your possible future children, NOT your parents.

Hi Knight. I say follow Greensmythe's advice.

I began my mission with serious doubts about the church, and it was the absolute most miserable experience of my life. The cognitive dissonance was unbearable. I stuck it out for half the mission because I was afraid of the reaction from family and LDS friends, even though I knew months earlier that I no longer believed.

I think it's great that you want to work on your art and learn Spanish. You can do that at home. Be brave. Make an appointment with your Bishop and tell him that you absolutely are not ready to go on your mission and that you need more time for study and prayer. (In a sense, that is true - you are not "ready," and who really knows what "study and prayer" might do. Haha) He will probably pressure you to go and say that your "testimony will grow in the mission field." Stay strong. Tell him you can't. You don't want to be a mediocre missionary. You only want to go when you are strong and ready.

Again, be brave. It is scary right now, but you won't regret it later.

Don't go!!!

My TBM spouse came home early from Guatemala back in the day. He had/has severe OCD and when he came home everyone wondered why he came home, had to deal with the nosy a$$holes at church "you don't look sick, Elder", blah, blah, blah.

My 2 sons never went on missions. After my DH's experience, he didn't expect it or force the issue.

I feel that it would be so much easier just not to go. You will be saving yourself a whole heap of crapola.

Give yourself time to find yourself, and figure things out. Just some advice from someone who had been there: Don't be in a hurry to get married either. School, education, and life experience is important.

Just me 2 cents FWIW.

Just don't go then. I don't understand you not wanting to do it and then you go through with it anyway just to stay out of trouble. Do you realize that you are an adult and you are representing your own life and an organization that wants people to believe what you don't believe? Do you believe? Why would you go through all the trouble to teach and preach to people what you don't and probably won't believe for yourself. This is the thought process that kept me from going. I could do it? Why can't you?

You will never make it if you are posting to a site like this. Even the two months in the MTC will be utter torture. I know it is hard to disappoint your parents, but you are better off not wasting their money and your time.

Missions suck, even for TBMs. It is a lot of drudgery and bs to put up with.

Go to college and study abroad. You will enjoy it more and not come home with a parasite.

Your post is similar in content to that of another young ‘missionary’ a couple of weeks back so I’ll say to you pretty much the same as I said to him.
Where is your integrity? If all you want TO DO is learn Spanish then you certainly don’t have to go on a mission to do it, unless of course you want to be able to say ‘I know the church is true’ & bear your non-existent testimony in that language.
What about the people you will be trying to convert, don’t they matter to you? You think it’s ok to travel around converting people who will in all probability have to live in poverty so as to pay their way into the Mormon heaven & in the process make an obscenely wealthy organization even wealthier? You’re prepared to live a lie simply to learn Spanish & that’s fine if you’re the only one involved but you’re not, you’re deliberately involving others by trying to convince them that a fairy tale is true. Does that sit easily with you?

I’m sorry if all of that seems harsh, I don’t want to be over critical but you really do need to look more closely at what you are doing.

The problem is that nobody will admire you or continually validate you for standing up for yourself and not going on a mission. I've experienced being psychologically sidelined my entire adult life. This is what you are potentially up against. Nobody really respects those who stand up and say no...the church isn't true, I'm not teaching it. That's the problem.

The thing that concerns me most is dependency, here. You'll be burning up your parents money while you're out, which is somewhat dishonest.

When you get to the MTC, you'll be on a regimented schedule with little spare time. You will not be able to work on your art.

Your plan is, when you've learned Spanish, to couch-surf with another friend of yours.

Were I to proffer advice, it'd be this:

1) Tell your parents you're not going
2) Find a job / donate plasma / hock some stuff on eBay
3) Move out

I don't know where you are, but barebones apartments can be found for $400-$600 in most places. If both you and your fiance have jobs, that's easily affordable.

The first thing you need to do is to internalize this one important fact. And you need to do it before making any decisions. “You cannot live other people’s lives”.

Their “feelings” about your life decisions are NOT your responsibility! The faster you get that through your head the more you’ll be in charge of your life and that will come with loads of self-confidence.

The church has generationally tied member’s brains to live for the dreams of mom, dad, your sister, that nice bishop, the cool seminary teacher, your pioneer ancestors, that grandpa that takes you fishing and so on. But you aren’t them and it is not your responsibility to live your life in a manner that pleases them.

No sense of self. That is what the church does. It removes the right to be yourself and to make your own decisions about your personal life path. Right now you literally fear to be yourself and take a different path right? Big RED FLAG! Most non mo’s your age are excited about their futures and you are scared about yours. The church systematically set this situation up because it works to keep generational tithe payers coming in.

One piece of advice. Do not get married now or in the near future. BIG mistake. Wait till you can actually support a wife and marry one that can support herself without you. Poor couples in your situation may have one spouse that will crawl back to the church and TBM family due to poverty. Don’t set yourself up for that pitiful and miserable situation.

I recommend you don’t go, however if you do have a solid plan.
You need money that you have direct access to so that you can buy a ticket out any day you choose. As long as you have your passport you can leave without the President of the United States permission so why the hell would you need the permission from the MP?

Don’t go with the “I have anxiety so send me home” BS. Be a man for god’s sake. Give them lip service to keep all the crap off your back but don’t play I’m a weenie.

Make sure you have a solid place to come back to Before you go. Don’t have a maybe place.

If you can’t make a solid escape plan then don’t go. If you are still dependent on parents for school and living costs then again don’t go. Think about this. Why go on a mission to appease your parents because they’ll pay for housing and schooling when you return “honorably” only to return due to anxiety and return dishonorably. Will they pay? Will they only send you to BYU (Trust me you will hate that). So effectively what you have done is to postpone the inevitable only to fall from a loftier height in their eyes. It will be worse.

You are not escaping by going to Chile. You will be under complete control there and when there accessing this site for advice may be problematic.

No one that I know was sorry that they took the hit early.

I’ve rambled. Big time kudos to you for figuring this out now you lucky turd. I was over 50. It sucks and it will be hard for a time but it gets incredibly better and you don’t travel this road alone.

No matter what you decide I wish you the very best.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 01/28/2014 09:17AM by AmIDarkNow?.

I served a mission and graduated BYU before leaving the church. My parents were just as upset as if I had quit at 18. My dad openly grumbled about wasting money on my mission.

Bottom line: if you plan to quit, quit now while the stakes are lower.

If you suffer from social anxiety, I would recommend that you not go to the MTC. By all reports it is a pressure cooker. You could eventually learn Spanish by taking a course at a community college.

As an adult, some people are going to be disappointed by decisions that you make. Let them be disappointed. You are not in charge of their feelings.

Unless you absolutely want to experience mission life for some reason I see know reason for you to go at this point. To me you are only procrastinating the inevitable. Not only that, but you are now going to make dozens of new church "friends" on your mission who you are going to have to leave too.

I would think leaving a mission early is far more dishonorable than not going at all. I would just tell your Bishop and parents you decided you were not ready and had serious doubts about the religion in general. The temple ceremony would be the perfect excuse since you just went through and it IS very troublesome even for most Mormons! They just don't express their doubts to each other because its supposed to be so "wonderful!"

I would tell them

1) You can't reconcile the fact that it appears to be plagiarized from the Masonic ceremony (which Joseph Smith joined just 2 months before he introduced the endowment ceremony)

http://packham.n4m.org/mason-endow.htm

2) It's seems weird and cultish and felt like a clubhouse or fraternity ceremony.

3) You have a hard time believing it came from God and you did NOT feel the spirit there.

Tell them your decision not to go is YOUR choice since your are an ADULT. Tell them you don't "feel" right about going on a mission.

Tell the you have PRAYED fervently and in none of your prayers do you FEEL good about going on a mission.

If they keep pushing tell them you thought the church was a volunteer organization and that they don't force people against their own agency. It's YOUR life and OTHER people don't get to choose it for you!

Tell them you need a little time and then I would move out and rent a cheap, shared house or crash at someone's place so that you can get away from all that drama and pressure. Once you do you will feel so much more free and be SOOOO glad you didn't give into the pressure to go on a mission. Make some non-member friends to be your new life and support network.

Start a new life outside the wacky little insignificant Mormon bubble.

I have to echo the sentiments of everybody in here telling you to just not go. Just going out and biding your time until things fall into place is a bad idea! As hard as it will be to put your foot down and tell everyone you don't want to go will be it will be even harder to go through with your plan. Trust me. I'm sorry that you are even in this stupid situation. I wish you the best and things will get better for you once you have the opportunity to be your own person and get away from this controlling church.

Don't go. Save your money, buy rosetta stone for spanish, if you get married, go to mexico for your honeymoon. Be brave. Ps-- I went on my mission 20 years ago but lost my faith 3 years ago. I now regret all that wasted time. You are now in control. Get out while you are fully awake!