Posted by:
NeverMoInMoLand
(
)
Date: April 09, 2014 02:59PM
This is going to be long, so my apologies.
I think this needs to happen:
1. A real heart to heart adult conversation;
2. You both going your own way.
I struggle to answer your question for many reasons. I am going to go against the grain a little and say, I don't think it is necessarily wrong that she says she believes in a soulmate-sort of relationship. I think that is just how she is expressing some deeper feelings that there is just something missing, even though everything seems great "on paper". There is also absolutely nothing wrong with how you feel, that you do not believe in the concept of soulmates, and cannot feel that way about her even if you love her greatly.
As some context, I have never been Mormon. I was not raised in a religious environment, though I was exposed to religion. I have been, as far back as I remember, an atheist. I do not believe in higher powers, or fate, or kismet, or karma, or anything of that sort. I certainly have never had this idea growing up of meeting my "soulmate" and living happily ever after. I would describe myself as a realist, a cynic, and heck, as a glass-half-empty kind of person in many respects, ha. I am smart, highly educated, like to consider myself reasonably emotionally aware.
I have dated many people over my life (I started dating at about 13, I am now in my 30s). I have had a long term relationships with some truly great men, including one lengthy common-law relationship. We loved each other. We had fun. We had lots in common. We respected each other. There was nothing bad about our relationships. On paper they should have worked. And I KNOW that you can have relationships with different people and there is not just one person out there for you in all of the world. But something just did not work, for me, for them, for both of us. It was never that things were "bad", and I think the relationships could have continued if we both really "worked" to make them continue, but that is exactly it...it would have been a lot of "work" and struggle to make the pieces fit in the long run. Something in my heart always just said that while any relationship needs nurturing, it should not feel like so much work.
I met my husband when I was 29. Right off the bat there was some connection there for both of us that was just unlike anything we had before (he too, at 35, had a lengthy history of relationships, including long term ones). I did know he was the one for me within a very, very short period of time, and he felt the same. Neither of us expressed it as the "one", but it was more like a sense of "belonging" and just knowing that what we had was something very rare and special. Logically I know of course we were not "destined" to meet, as there was plenty of things that had to go right and wrong in both our lives to bring us together, including the timing, and previous breakups, both joining the dating site at the right time, both being in the right place emotionally, both living in same place at right time, and all of that, and that was a lot of chance really, but ultimately, we just fit, we just match, we just feel so right together, it DOES feel like we have known each other forever, even though we have certainly known each other for only a short portion of our lives so far.
I never had that before. Even in relationships where I loved the other person very much, there was a sense that there was underlying lack of truly "getting" each other, there was never quite the same sense of connectedness, or the complete honesty and sharing of our true selves. It was more like, we got along, so let's just hang out and love each other, and see how things go, followed by, hey, this is pretty good. We still get along, we have fun, maybe we should live together? Or get married?
I am really not a chick flick kind of woman. Most would describe me more as a tomboy type than a girly-girl. I watched part of the Notebook with my sister and felt like gagging. But, I cannot pretend that I do not share something very, very special with my husband to point the only way I really CAN describe it is that he is my soulmate. If I had never met him, I probably would never have known it was missing, or known I wanted it, or even what I was looking for, but now that I have experienced it...I can't look back. I hate talking about "the one" with others because I do think it makes me sound like a silly young girl! But, all I know is that my husband and I have been married for a few years now, and I still feel this very strong sense of peace and "oneness".
This does not mean we spend our days gazing into each others eyes. We certainly have life to deal with, and some of it is just difficult, but I don't know, even "conflict" between us seems...well, easy as we are "on the same team". Even in disagreement we have this mutual purpose of understanding and putting ourselves in each other's shoes. And quite honestly, are conflicts are very, very rare arise more out of, say, one of us feeling a bit snippy one day due to stress, than us actually fighting AT each other. We are quite okay with us having our own personalities, thoughts, individualities, approaches to things, and these do not give rise to conflict. We talk about these things all the time. We have no interest in making the other someone else, so there is no 'struggle' in that respect. We deal with external stressors, tragic events, the misunderstandings, very much together, always with this sense that we are in this life together. We, as existentialists, recognize ultimately the concept of 'aloneness', and that we really are all "alone", but it is like there is no one else I would rather be "alone" together with than him, ha.
Is it impossible for me to have found this with anyone else? Maybe not (but I know I could not find my husband again!). But I do know that I have NOT had it before, and nothing could have made it happen with the men I dated before. What I DO know is that my husband is the great love of my life (and apparently he thinks I am pretty darn special too, ha). I really, and I don't base this on a lack of experience, do not feel that if something happened to my husband, that I would find THIS kind of love, this kind of relationship, again. I have been "unlucky" in life in many ways, but with this..with my marriage, and with my husband, I do feel like I got very, very, lucky.
Maybe she will find what she is looking for, maybe not, but I do honestly understand how she can just feel something is "missing" and be stuck in putting it into words and know, that no matter how much she loves you, there is something not quite right. Because, really, sometimes everything looks like it SHOULD work on paper but it just does not. She probably loves you very much, I do not think that is in doubt, but it sounds like something for her just is missing. And I don't think it is fair to take the position of trying to "educate" her that she might never find what she feels she is looking for just because you don't believe in it yourself. It is very possible one day she will meet someone and feel it really IS right.
You are absolutely right, you should not have to lie to her. That is not fair to you, or to her. To me honesty is just integral in any loving relationship, and to lie would only be a disservice to you both, and really shows how "not right" it is. You can tell her you love her. That you want to be with her, but that you just can't tell her that you feel what she wants you to feel. And you can't. She has to decide, for herself, whether that is enough for her or not.