I'm a regular poster...we recently left the church.

I need to vent.

First, I love my wife!

We've been together for MANY years. She's my best friend, a wonderful mother, and a great sex partner. But she gets mad at me over the SMALLEST things...every other night!!

Tonight: We're celebrating. It's a special night. Drinking involved. We're having fun. I ask who a person is that's on Facebook. She freaks out. "That's our DS's old seminary teacher." I said, well, I remember 'so-and-so' teacher, but not this one. She's totally mad at me. This "fight" goes on for almost TWO HOURS!!

Every time it's the same thing. I say something wrong and she goes ballistic. I've started recording the fights at night but the next morning I turn into a pansy and delete the recordings.

This last Saturday night we were together (drinking and having sex) and had a huge fight over NOTHING (we were out on our hammock and she would get loud about the star constellations and various other small talk so I told her several times, "shhhhh"). She got totally mad at me thinking I was being condescending to her. As usual. I was recording it...just in case. After fighting, we just went to bed. Yesterday (Sunday), I made her listen to the recording.

To rewind, she woke up Sunday morning and basically asked me to apologize (which is normal...it's always my fault). I said she had said some horrible things the night before. She didn't believe me, so I played the recording which showed she had said she wanted a divorce. That she was an independent woman and no man was going to hold her down. That since we had left the church, there was no reason to stay together. TERRIBLE THINGS!

I had sat there Saturday night, while she was spewing these awful ideas out, and bit my lip because I knew she was drunk. Anyway, Sunday morning, she didn't think she had ever said she wanted a divorce. I was so frustrated that I played the recording from the night before.

Anyway, like always, we made up and things were fine (she said she was sorry). Fast forward to tonight....SAME TYPE OF THING! She got mad that I couldn't remember the stupid name of one of our DS's old seminar teachers. This fight lasted almost two hours (almost 2:00am on a Monday night). We finally got over that and we both went to shower...her first. I got out and we played around for about 10 minutes...she got mad again and now she's been asleep for almost an hour. I turned on the TV while she was passed out and watched 'Cosmos' but then I decided, for the first time, to post a rant on RfM.

I have been keeping track since the beginning of the year and we've had over 22 MEANINGLESS fights. I'm just at my whit's end. We have the same dynamic ALL THE TIME. We love each other tons and our "regular" life is great.

Personally, I know it's the drinking but we just can't admit it. Where I mellow out and relax, many times, she get's up tight and "jumpy." The problem is, it's random...like playing Russian Roulette. And when it good...IT'S GOOOOOOOOD!!

WOMEN....WTF?!?

Dude, your wife may have an alcohol problem. I say this as a woman who used to have the same problem.

But you need to look at yourself too.

I used to drink too much too soon, then get into pretty much the same sorts of arguments with my husband, and not remember much later. Don't worry too much about dramatic statements under the influence, they will reflect drama rather than actual intent.

I can only suggest you take a joint approach to drying out for a while - maybe ask her to help you improve your health (weight/liver/whatever seems relevant) by not drinking to support you in your efforts. If she has a big problem with this, you may need to consider your next move. You may need to look at serious help.

In my case, both my husband and I went "paleo" for health reasons and both of us realised how much drinking was interfering with our lives.

I think that exmormons can "overdrink" too easily. Without realising it. if you could record the impact it is having on your wife, but without making it look like you are doing it on purpose, that may help her realise. Nannycam maybe? Or have the phone on for some other purpose. Maybe be worried about youself, tell her that in advance, but accidently record her. It may help if you can do it without making it look like you are targetting her. You recorded yourself being a dick, but while showing her what an ass you made of yourself, she sees what she is doing.

Alcohol will make you fight about stupid sh!t.

;o)

That sounds like a miserable way to live. I'm sorry for your pain.

They can have a paradoxical effect from alcohol, where it basically affects them the opposite from how it's supposed to or does other folks. It's kinda almost like an allergy. Some people react to certain medications the wrong way too....

I concur with the OPs... maybe both try going without?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2014 08:01AM by The StalkerDog™.

The StalkerDog™ Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> They can have a paradoxical effect from alcohol,
> where it basically affects them the opposite from
> how it's supposed to or does other folks. It's
> kinda almost like an allergy. Some people react to
> certain medications the wrong way too....
>
> I concur with the OPs... maybe both try going
> without?


"It's kinda almost like an allergy."

Many people have this reaction to alcohol. Everything is fine until they take just one more drink and then all hell breaks loose.

Cure for that is no more drinking. You may want to check into alcoholics anonymous for you and your wife.

Maybe try drinking less?

Do you ever have these fights without alcohol?

Drinking and not remembering the next day is called "black outs" and is a sign of a serious alcohol problem. time to stop. Get help if needed. It will only get worse from here if she continues to drink.

Yes, not trying to be judgmental, but you are right: It's the drinking. Some people--Mormon or not--should not drink, and it sounds like your DW is one of those.

This is'nt a "woman" thing.

These fights escalate when you drink? Every one's body chemistry is different with the booze.

You can not take what she says seriously under the influence. It really is not fair of you. Besides, your wife might have a drinking problem.

Also, the both of you need to learn some "fighing fair" skills and learn that when petty stuff comes up to decide is it worth even talking about?

My two cents? Get thee into some counseling.

And PS. Are you really recording your wifes arguments to help HER or yourself?

RMM

No one must be accepting of abuse from someone simply because they'd been drinking.

Agree.

I agree with the people who said look at the drinking. I get short tempered when I just eat way too much sugar and really have to watch it with my blood sugar/sugar intake. I'd be willing to bet alcohol would make things even worse so I stop after one - maybe two drinks.

Also though, if the anger outbursts are something she's suddenly started with - something that wasn't normal for her before. I've known two people who suddenly started getting angry over nothing and began fighting ferociously with their spouses. Both got divorces. Both were diagnosed with brain tumors within a year of their divorce. My mom knows someone right now she is trying to convince to see a doctor because he is following the same pattern of sudden, constant anger over nothing that these other two family friends showed. I know it's a real longshot but I've seen it enough that it's what always comes to mind.

You didn't mention your ages but my best friend is an RN at a nursing home and says whenever someone there starts getting angry all the time, the first thing they do is test that patient for a UTI. I thought my friend was pulling my leg when she told me that but apparently it's true. Weird huh?

I was in a relationship once with a very abusive girl. Everything was great for a long time, but pretty soon she would pick fights with me daily. There were a lot of good things about the relationship that I wanted to try and keep, but it became too much and I had to walk away.

Many months later she reached out to me so that she could apologize. She was having serious physical health problems and didn't know about them at the time. Once she started having treatment, she stopped exhibiting that behavior.

Even in the small amounts I consume, maybe a shot to shot and a half of top shelf scotch every night, I'm quitting sold turkey. Your body is supposed to be regenerating itself while you sleep at night, not recover from having been poisoned the previous evening. I'm a 44 year old athlete, and ever since I started drinking constantly, I have been getting injured, back pain, etc. Ironically, it was just this morning I poured a half bottle of scotch, about $40 worth down the drain. No more justifying that I need it to get to sleep or relax in the evening. Just done. Alcohol is quite simply poison that makes you feel good temporarily. You don't drink the poisons that don't make you feel good do you? The only true religion is that of surviving and doing it well. It does not sound like this is the right person to help you accomplish this. Yes, I know you love her and you've been together all these years, but you can love many people and things that do not best contribute to surviving this life well. So, I would issue an ultimatum. She gets help for her drinking problem for which you will provide her with the means and emotional support to get sober, otherwise you are done.

Well, when I act like that usually there is a bigger issue that has not totally been dealt with. Sometimes issues arise where I am not over it or it hasn't been satisfactorily been dealt with and DH thinks life is normal and grand. I am guessing she needs to talk something out, she is mad over something and it's likely something that continues to be not corrected. I am totally just guessing. The alcohol may be making the aggravation worse or she may not be handling it well. There is a myriad of reasons she could be lashing out.

Prolonged fight sessions require two participants. Just sayin'...

My wife picks fights to divert attention from what she perceives to be some shortcoming of hers that she doesn't want me to discover then exploit. (Mind you, I do not exploit any of her shortcomings, I think that this reaction stems from her previous marriage and is a go-to defense mechanism)

Nevertheless, if you're in a drunk fight, don't be an active participant. Let her have her snit and chalk it up to the booze talking. Divert the conversation elsewhere and move past whatever the argument is about.

After years of defending myself, I realized that it isn't worth the energy to make a point.

I disagree. If my SO said to me that she "wanted a divorce. That she was an independent woman and no man was going to hold her down. That since we had left the church, there was no reason to stay together," I wouldn't ignore it, blame it on the booze or divert the conversation. These are things that need to be confronted and worked out.

Get counseling ASAP. Individually and as a couple.

There's a well of hostility somewhere. Find out what's really at the root of it all.

It sounds like she may be having blackouts. If she is, she has a drinking problem.

Blackouts are events when people drink, but can't remember anything they did the night before. Anyone who does this has a problem with alcohol.

Google drinking problems to educate yourself on the topic.


Also, a word of advice. Never try to reason with someone who is drunk. You will only get angrier and nothing will be resolved. Wait until they're hung over to talk about drinking problems.

If she gets too drunk to get herself ready for bed, leave her where she lies. Don't do it for her. Keep all guns under lock and key that she can't get to. Never let her drive when in that condition.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2014 11:41AM by madalice.

Forget get the effing counseling. Thats the first bs you get told when something is out of line. Werent you counseled for years in the church? You dont need couseling to tell you what you need to do. You are grownups.You have been around the block. Perhaps cutting back on the booze, although I do enjoy a nitecap, will assist. If it keeps up in spite of the tapering off of the booze, get divorced. Life if to short for this kind of BS. Now you got your couseling and you didnt even have to pay for it. Good Luck!

Some people just have that reaction to alcohol. I call them mean drunks. I'm a silly drunk myself. It's just what happens. But I think you have to look at what alcohol does to you or for you. Personally, I think that people who tend to be mean drunks shouldn't drink at all. I don't know that it's a way of letting out "hidden" anger or if it's just a reaction like when I drink and get the silly giggles.

When I left TSCC I wondered what to do about the alcohol issue. Nobody is telling me not to anymore, so how do I know if it's okay or not? I finally decided that I would limit alcohol to times when drinking is the smart thing to do. I find that, for me, drinking is very seldom the smart thing to do.

Alcohol affects people differently. I had a coworker who would literally sob after one beer. Every time. It just made her sad.

The effects can also vary with the type of alcohol. There's a funny episode of how I met your mother where Lily and Robin try a variety of drinks to get the guys back to being friends. Don't know how much truth is in it as I am not a big drinker. Looks like absinthe was the calmest drink they tried.

I agree with everyone else though - not remembering anything is a sign that you are drinking too much. It might be time to cut back or quit. Buy those mini wine bottles or coolers and only enough for a mild buzz. Or try going healthy and giving it up. It's really not good for you, so if its making you fight instead of have fun, its not worth it. Heavy drinking can make you depressed and mean by changing your brain chemistry.

I'm inclined to think there are bigger issues at play. It's never about the cap on the toothpaste. There's something going on that your wife is not dealing with. She might not even really know herself or she's not bringing it up to you, or maybe she's tried but you're not really "getting it," but whatever it is, she needs to work through it. Perhaps some counseling might be beneficial, couple's or individual.

Is she a new drinker? I know I've pulled this emotional crap myself, a long time ago when I was young. I hope to never do this again, or I hope I have learned to keep my emotions in check and deal with it later, when I'm sober and thinking straight. She needs to learn to do this.

Also, she needs to learn to stop after one or two or possibly three if alcohol tends to push her into this emotional rage. Or not drink at all.

As others have mentioned, different alcohols can bring on different emotions, one producing anger, another crying, another happy-party. Learn what they are and what to avoid. Again, learn to control emotions and learn when to shut up, and learn when you've crossed the bridge to one too many and stop (and stop before you get there). Dancing on the table with the lampshade isn't necessarily better than getting angry you forgot someones name. She needs to learn her limits.

This secretly taping bothers me. It's a violation. I realize you have reached a point where you needed proof since she doesn't remember, but you're seriously going to break down trust if any argument is going to be recorded and used against her.

Thanks for the responses everyone. We do have a drinking problem.

This behavior has gone on our entire relationship though (long before any drinking started). It doesn't matter if she's/we've been drinking or not. She explodes at the smallest (seemingly) things.

We went to counseling about 10 years ago and the counselor helped us understand our different personalities and gave us some communication tools to put into practice. It very rarely helps though.



But, it's a new morning and I have a lot to do. She's asleep but when she wakes up, we'll both say sorry and move on. The insanity will repeat itself because I'm a wimp and just give in. :(

She could be bipolar

I have a gf just like this. She is always overanalyzing our relationship and threatening breakups over really stupid sh*t. Then we kiss & makeup real quickly and have a really really really great sex life together. My ex-wife was a lot like this too but not nearly as bad with the drama. Instead she'd give me silence and frankly that was probably worse than drama. However my ex-wife was quite a frigid bore so the saying that "sex is 20% of the relationship when its good, and 90% of the relationship when its bad" basically ruined our marriage. It really stinks to be a virgin on your wedding night, quickly discover that the two of you aren't compatible, and a baby is quickly on the way because you aren't using birth control. Thus I was trapped and I never would've ever considered starting off my sex life like that if it wasn't for that stupid cult I believed in fervently. And it took me years to get free from that trap of being married to an indifferent selfish frigid prude because she was the mother of my children and I tried really hard in a very patient polite hopeful manner to change her. I sure wish I could just do as BKP says that the gays do and just decide to make the choice and become gay. That way I'll never have to risk drama with a female ever again in my life :) But alas I'm as hetero as they come in the world so that's not an option and I just have to keep learning how to deal with womankind :) Maybe you can turn gay and move on from this drama?

All womankind is not like this. I think you need to do a better job of selecting your women :). I detest drama. Of course, I'm an analytical thinker and completely unemotional. And I like sex a lot. Keep looking!

It's definitely an alcohol problem.
You may need to keep recording these episodes because you may need them to convince her she has a problem.

My wife did the EXACT same thing - she would start fights over nothing - absolutely nothing. Alcohol was not a factor at all as she never drank.

I put up with it for a long time and then started fighting back so one-sided fights turned into two-sided absolutely awful, swearing fights. Worst part is our young kids had to hear it all and would be crying their eyes out at the horrid scene we both made.

We almost divorced - I filled out the paperwork and was prepared to leave. She then, I assume out of fear of having to live on less than my salary and without a husband, said she would change.

She changed for a while but would revert back to that way now and then but never to the extremes that it use to be.

So that all went down a few years ago. It is much better now but she still starts fights over nothing. Simply put if I fight back too much then it will likely end up as before so for me it's better to swallow my pride and think of my kids and just take her shiz rather than man-up and fight back.

Now what did help is she tried some meds and does take a prescription which helps with her moodiness but it is not a cure-all but please don't pass up that as an alternative if she is willing to try them. I tried them and had side effects that were not worth it to me.

In hindsight, I think I would have been happier had I just divorced her then when I was young enough to really give romance with someone else a shot. BUT my kids would have undoubtedly suffered as my kids have enough emotional issues to begin with. And we would all would have been worse off financially.

I don't expect your situation to mirror mine as every situation is unique but I just wanted to share mine and at least say you are not alone.

Two things that are anathema to her.

Everyone reacts differently to different things. For example, I get a migraine the day after consuming chocolate, lemon, or even 50+ mg of caffeine. I have never met anyone else feel the effects of the trigger the next day. So even if the anger doesn't happen right after drinking it doesn't mean it's not related. This shows no short coming on her part. Try to remember that if alcohol induced, it's simple a matter of biology.

Secondly, I tell my husband this whenever I get all irritable and unintentionally mean (hormones are fun!). That no matter how bad I may be, the struggles going on in my head are always way worse than what he sees! Please when trying to help her keep in mind how it's hurting her at the time this happens. Also, you need to also give up drinking for her to not feel attacked and supported by you. Though she may also have suppressed anger and hurt that needs to be acknowledged. I sure did when leaving the church! Too many years of being trained to suppress "negative" feelings and feel guilty over what I was told were shortcomings on my part.

Good luck!

P.S. My DH and I have chosen not to drink since leaving as alcoholism runs in my family and there are no positive health effects of it. I feel empowered that this is my decision and not the church dictating it to me.