When I was 16 I started dating a boy I went to school with. He was not mormon, but chose to attend church and seminary with me. He had problems at home, so he lived with me for about two weeks and then moved in with a family in our ward. He was baptized and things really started looking up for him.

A few months after he was baptized, he told me that the bishop had been counseling him to end his relationship with me. I was a "bad influence" on him. He ended up breaking up with me, and then the next day he came to my house and raped me.

I recorded phone conversations and took screenshots of facebook messages between us discussing the event and showed the mother of the household he was in. She told the bishop. It took almost two months before the bishop began action. He interviewed the boy first, decided nothing was wrong, that I had tempted him into doing it. I was not going to be interviewed until I asked him myself. I did, and I showed him everything. He agreed that I had been raped and he needed to have a disciplinary counsel with the rapist.

Three weeks later, there was a counsel. He received no punishment because he "had such a great testimony of the gospel" even though he apparently did admit to raping me and everybody knows he did. The mother of the household asked him to leave her house because she didn't feel comfortable having him with her kids. He now lives with the bishop and will live with my young women's leader, who also knows about what happened.

He's seen as much, if not more, of a victim as I am.

This entire experience has really gotten me to question why I'm apart of this church. I found out that a feminist was being excommunicated just for advocating that women be ordained into the priesthood while somebody who raped me had no punishment whatsoever. It doesn't make any sense to me. I feel like this is only happening because I'm a girl and girls are seen as unequal in this church.

I'm not really sure where to go from here. I'm going to be a senior in high school next year and will have to apply to colleges. The only college I'm """""allowed"""" to go to is BYU, but I really don't want to go to school inhabited by the members and run by the church that excuses and cares for my rapist. In addition, my parents are paying for the mission they strongly desire me to go on. If I decided I didn't want to go to BYU or go on a mission, I'm afraid I'd be disowned.

As you can imagine, recovering from sexual trauma is not easy. The fact that the church I was a part of my entire life goes beyond not caring and goes into caring for the rapist does not make it any easier.

Why hasn't this been reported to the police? Who cares what the bishop thinks? It's really none of his business.

This needs to be reported to police.

Reasons why it hasn't been taken to court:
Only my dad knows this happened because I'm afraid to talk to my mom about it.
My therapist actually did report it to the police, but I refused to make a statement, so it was dropped.
Immediately after my therapist reported it, my dad told the mother of the household he was in, who told him, and he began threatening me and spreading rumors around school that I made false allegations against him. It really discouraged me from talking about it.
I'm afraid of going to court, having everybody find out about this, and still having no punishment done to him.
I don't necessarily want to ruin his life with a felony.

How many other women are you willing to be raped by this guy so you don't "ruin" your rapist life with a felony?

I don't know... That's something I'm really afraid of... that he'll rape again and it'll be my fault for not having been able to get him in jail or therapy or literally anything else except the good treatment he's gotten afterwards.

The thing is, I didn't go to a doctor, so I don't really have proof of anything. I handed all the evidence over to the bishop and haven't gotten it back.

Surely you have copies?? Screen shots are saved on your PC...

I don't have my own computer. I used a computer in the public library, so I deleted the screenshots as soon as I took them and printed them out.

This. ^^^

Your rapist had no qualms about ruining your life, did he?

Sure, you're getting on as best you can now, and calling you ruined is a very bad thing of me to say. But neither would HE be ruined by pressing charges. His life would continue, different than before, much as yours is.

He needs to suffer consequences at least as great as what he has done to you. I hope that you change your mind in the future, and help to spare other girls from his brutality.
Right now he sees that he can rape girls and get away with ZERO consequences. A stern talking to by a pretend bishop is not consequences.

I really hope you talk to the police. And there is a lot of help available for trauma survivors through non mormon counselors.
Nobody at church, not even the bishop, has any authority on the matter.
The ones protecting your rapist are abusing you by doing so. This includes your parents if they are seriously not leveling criminal charges against this predator who raped their minor daughter.

I hope you don't serve a mission. I hope you don't go to BYU.
There is a great wide world out there that is soooo much more healthy than the backeards, abusive, and outright criminal at times church that you were raised in.

I wish you strength and all the best. I'm very glad you have seen the light, the church you were raised in is not kind nor true. It is a boys club and girls aren't allowed to be recognized as even humans with their own worth.

I got out of the church myself at about your same age, and my future is much brighter than for the rest of my family stuck in the life-sucking trap that is mormonism.
Take care of yourself, and please talk to someone you know in real life who is not a member, you need some outside help from people without this cult mindset.

I wish everyone had to report crimes to police,

In society now, esp. in the Corp, roles overlap, 'clergy' & civilians

used to be that clergy had only spiritual roles, but not anymore, esp. in Morland.


I don't know if the "Priest / Pendatent" model serves any purpose now, esp when someone reports to clergy.

when 'a sinner' comes in for counsel, that 'might' be, different, but wasn't the case in yours.

Very Sorry for you, Lucy

I don't know what to say. The church is a club, it has no real legal status or "power from God" unless the members give it to them.

Rape is an illegal, earthly act that is punishable by civil authorities.

And in that, I include adults that have knowledge but do not report a rape to the proper civil authorities.

May I add that this should be in the papers as an example of the "Mormon Men's Club."

You stand at the crossroads of your life right now.

Are you going to be a victim from now on, taking abuse and saying nothing? Because if you don't report this to the police, you are telling yourself you are not worth fighting for.

You have had a secondary sexual trauma by those who should love you and protect you taking his side. From this the lesson could make you stronger. You could know from now on that you must be your own best friend, that only YOU know 100% with certainty of how innocent you are and what really went down.

Today is a day when you can say, "From now on I will choose my own ethics and values. If someone commits a crime against me, I will seek justice. I will report it to the police."

Secondly, you need to be an advocate for your own mental health. Is there a rape victims support group in your area? Find out and go there-- seeing that you are not alone will help you fight the shame that rape victims often feel. You will see you are not alone and that others have been wrongfully blamed as well.

The loss of your "free ride" is not a loss at all if the price was your integrity. Far better to work and go to school part time with dignity and pride than to accept aid that comes with strings attach which limit the development of your personality and prevent you from individuating into the adult you are meant to be.

VOTE FOR YOU! Even if it means disapproval of family because what good is it to have their approval and live a false life in a shadow of shame and regret, never feeling good enough?

Hugs. We are here for you for the long haul, so hang in there. You can show them respect without knuckling in to their desires to control your adult life.


Kathleen waters

I really want to leave the church and just stop caring about what my family thinks and endure the hardship it will be of being on my own when I'm 18, but I also don't want to be seen as somebody who "leaves the church just because they got their feelings hurt" ... and I also really love my family and don't want to be on my own when I'm 18. I know they love me too, but they're so wrapped up in this church that they would not accept me or help me whatsoever if I left. I've seen it done to other family members of mine.

...you got your feelings hurt. You would be leaving the church because a crime has been committed against you, and the local leaders of the church are protecting the criminal, rather than the victim. As for your remark

"I also really love my family and don't want to be on my own when I'm 18. I know they love me too, but they're so wrapped up in this church that they would not accept me or help me whatsoever if I left."

If your parents know you have been raped by a church member, and they are favoring their devotion to the church over their care and responsibility for you, then frankly, your parents are people whom you need to wean yourself away from anyway. Sad as the prospect is, you might become one of those young people who will have to depend on someone other than your parents as you transition into adulthood. And if I was you, I couldn't consider serving an LDS mission or applying to BYU, after what's happened to you.

Also, if your bishop refuses to punish the boy, I would inform the bishop that I would let the entire ward know about his crime, if for no other reason than keeping the boy away from other girls.

Lucy192837 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm 18, but I also don't want to be seen as somebody
> who "leaves the church just because they got their
> feelings hurt" ...

Your not leaving because you got "feelings hurt".

You were sexually assaulted and trusted leaders did nothing to protect you. They have broken that trust.

Tell your mother what happened

Don't worry about what other people think.

I wouldn't go to BYU, or go on a mission unless it's something you want to do.

If you want to drop the legal side of this, or follow through with legal action, that's up to you.

In the end do what's right for you.

“Do what is right, let the consequence follow.”

I'm really sorry this has happened to you, but you should not care one bit about this man's feelings. He is a rapist and should be punished. He will probably do it again if he gets away with it.

The church leaders who are protecting him are idiots.

If you're interested in the full story, I detailed it online: http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/index.php/discussions/viewthread/9411/

The final para. says: "With Frank's [the victim's] approval, I submitted a report to the Royal Canadian Mounted Police about Elder James Victor in October 1993, the same month/year I ended my membership in the cultic LDS Church. The RCMP subsequently conducted an investigation and found enough evidence to lay charges against Victor. Unfortunately, his whereabouts have been unknown for the past 15 years. The RCMP contacted church headquarters, but received virtually no help. The file/case remains open."

I am sorry that you were raped. The reaction of the bishop was profoundly wrong. Mormon patriarchy is often supremely insensitive and stupid.

People who commit crimes, including rape, and are not held accountable for them by the legal system usually offend again. If you haven't done so, you need to tell the police what happened to you. The guy who raped you might rape other females if he's not confronted by police and the justice system. I hope that you muster the courage to do this. It's very important that justice be done - for you, first and foremost.

The worst part about these stories, which are entirely to common, are the priesthood enablers. This bishop is an accomplice and should be punished by the law. How many more terrible people has this bishop enabled? What child abuser has he not turned in to authorities, what adulterer has he protected? Bishops like this scare me more than the perps.

As is the case so many times on forums, it is next to impossible to get the best possible advice for your specific situation from random posters. How to deal with your particular situation would require a very long and detailed conversation with you.

What transpires at this forum probably barely scratches the surface and there are likely numerous bits and pieces as well as nuances that could alter the perception of your circumstance by forum members.

Advice here can be spot on, or it could lead you into more problems. Be sure you remember that we are only responding to words here in this thread.

You must do what is right----AND----do it for the right reason!

This is a wise caution because the OP has presented a very complicated situation. However, your final statement sounds too morg-like to let pass.

Lucy129837 is under NO obligation to do the "right thing" or to do it for the "right reason."

Lucy is in the process of sorting out what she wants for her own life and how she will be better off. She is reaching out for assistance because the traditional sources of wisdom (her family and church) have turned away from her, perhaps showing her their true colors.

She is going to have to think creatively and non-morg-like to have what she wants in life and to recover from the assault and it's shocking fallout.

The suggestions so far have been good, but there is no "must" about it. What counts is a thoughtful young girl having to make her way against some pretty powerful forces.

Oops! Yeah, it does sound a bit churchy, don't it?

I meant, however, that she should consider the circumstances and do what is right FOR HER. Her mental health, her family ties, her future thoughts regarding this whole situation, etc.

Only SHE knows what is right...

Does that make more sense?

Yup! (And I don't get my buttons pushed.)

;)

Wow, a Church started by a sexual predator, protected a rapist.

Who could have seen that coming?

You can be a victim and make excuses for why you cannot involve law enforcement, or you can do what you know must be done.

I don't wish to be unsympathetic, Right now you ARE a victim and have every right to feel the emotions a victim feels. On the other hand, do you really want to feel this way for the rest of your life? Press charges against the rapist, and push for charges to be pressed against the "bishop" as well. The "bishop" has no right to pretend he's a judge and jury in a court of law, and he KNOWS it. He knows what the laws are concerning mandated reporting, and he wilfully chose to defy them, ostensibly under the guise of answering to a higher power. Let him answer to his higher power while his butt rots in jail, or, at the very least, while he pays a hefty fine.

Get the help that you need, then go for the jugular as far as these felons are concerned.

Have you spoken of this with your bishop, and expressed your perception of all of it? It might not change a thing. But then it might make them think so they will not handle a similar event in the same way.

If you believe he needs more consequences, then make a police report. If you have his admissions, then the police may be able to make a case. Yes it will mean that you have to go through a trial, if the prosecutor charges. And he will have a permanent label as a child predator.

If you were a minor then also call and report the child abuse so that he will not be able to be around children any more.

If you do not want to go to BYU, then please do yourself and everyone else a big favor and go somewhere else. You have to maintain an ecclesiastical endorsement to graduate. When you You are eighteen and leave home, you do NOT have to do what everyone else expects you to do. Figure out you want, and find an adult you can trust to help guide you there (a high school guidance counselor maybe?)

To do that, you are likely to need counseling. The worst case is that what has happened to you already goes unprocessed, so that you get punished by a different life than the one you want and work for. Working through what happened with you and getting the skills to advocate for yourself will help you move to a place where your choices are fully choice and not reactions to what someone else did. (If you cannot afford it, the church may be willing to pay for this counseling. Ask the bishop if he will pay for counseling.)

Best wishes for you as you work through this.

First, may I remind you: http://www.postmormon.org/exp_e/index.php?URL=http%3A%2F%2Fwww.postmormon.org%2Fexp_e%2Findex.php%2Fpomopedia%2FGod_holds_little_girls_responsible%2F%22++title%3D%22God_holds_little_girls_responsible

This ain't nuthin' new. At all.

Second, to the OP: THIS WAS NOT YOUR FAULT. You are still "good." You have not lost anything. You are still a moral person of good virtue. Do not let anyone ever tell you otherwise.

Third, I completely and totally support your decision to drop it. It is not your job to prevent this kid from raping again. The crime was reported by your therapist. YOU ARE DONE. You have done all you can do.

I know people think you should be going after this kid with both guns blazing, but I have been there and I know exactly what you are going through. You don't have to do jack shit if you don't want to. We both know what could happen: You go through all this, present all your evidence, re-live the entire thing in a courtroom, probably multiple times... and you'll be slut-shamed and victim blamed. You will be blamed for ruining HIS life. You may even be sanctioned by your bishop, as I was. You may have trouble getting in to BYU. I don't know. Depends on who gets to write your recommendations when the time comes and if the same bishop is in place then.

And frankly, I don't think it's worth all that, seeing as how the statistic is that 97% of all rapists never see the inside of a jail cell. This is still a patriarchal rape culture and you are still operating within the patriarchal church, in which you have no voice and no rights.

To the rest of you: This is not an episode of Special Victims Unit where the victim goes crying to the police, they investigate, there's a trial, and it's all wrapped up in 40 minutes with the perpetrator going off to jail, never to rape again. Again, 97% of the time, it doesn't play out like that AT ALL. All you are doing is making yourself a target for retaliation. Again.

IF she's lucky and her parents aren't assholes like my parents are assholes, they won't try to convince her that she's a dirty, dangerous, slut who had it coming and whom no good, kind, decent, righteous man will ever want. Maybe times are different now. I hope so. But for all these reasons, I'd let it lie as well -- I don't blame her one bit for not wanting to move forward. You reported it to those whom it needed to be reported. That's enough.

I would apply to schools other than BYU and try to find schools with really great programs in the fields you're interested in. I got parental support to NOT go to BYU because I wanted to major in Journalism, so I chose one of the top ten journalism schools in the country. BYU was not only not on that list, but they aren't even in the top 100 for journalism.

Oh, and also: www.rainn.org. Might help a little. Love to you.

Lucy, regardless of whether you deleted screenshots of your FB conversations with your rapist, FB keeps a record of everything. If you make a police report, I'm sure the police can request records of your chat. Or, if you obtain a lawyer, he or she can do that as well.

Also, many people on here have made the (excellent) point that he will rape again if he knows he could get away with raping you. I see it a bit differently, though: I am sure he had **already** raped at least one young woman before attacking you. The fact that he simply showed up on your doorstep one day and did it makes him sound pretty practiced at this. He probably had already experienced raping someone (a few people?) without consequences and so had no fear about doing it to you either. I highly doubt you were his first victim.

I do not want to burden you with additional feelings of guilt or shame, but please, think not only that you deserve justice, but think about the other girls you will save this creep from...or bring belated justice to as well.

...and when you say, "They Protected My Rapist", by your silence, you have too.

I don't mean to sound harsh, but truth is truth. I am so sorry this happened to you and hope the best for you, no matter your ultimate choice.

Be well.

Is it possible you're ok with not reporting this guy to the authorities because you believe some supernatural god-like character somewhere is keeping a naughty & nice list and sooner or later you think justice will be done?

I'd recommend re-thinking your belief system and wake up to the world around you. You can gamble that a god somewhere will punish this guy, or not... or you can use the system that is already in place and make sure he doesn't do this again.

Seriously.

I'm so sorry this happened to you Lucy. Why haven't your told your mother? Would she not be sympathetic? Why hasn't your father gone and beaten this kid to a pulp. I know mine would have no matter how TBM he was. I am even more sorry if your parents do not support you through this. Keep seeing a counselor and get one that is not mormon just in case they can't get past their mormon bias. As others have said, the evidence you had can most likely be obtained. They could subpoena the bishop for what you gave him. It makes me sick that he would take the rapist into his home. If you ever do get the evidence, make sure you show it to your parents. If they don't support you after that, I don't know why you'd want to live with them anymore. There's got to be someone that will be on your side. Maybe a good family friend, a relative, etc.

It is very hard to get into BYU these days. It is not a given even if you have fantastic grades. I don't know how your parents can possibly expect that you will be going there for sure. Talk to them and tell them you'd be more comfortable going to a small college before making the big jump to a larger school. Maybe they will get on board with that.

Don't ever forget that you did nothing wrong and that you didn't deserve what happened to you. This is your life, and it is yours to plan, not someone else. Once you are 18 you can make your own decisions about college and a mission. Your parents can't force you to go to BYU or to go on a mission. They may kick you out and they may not. Once your mother knows your whole story, perhaps she will be on your side.

Go talk with your high school counselor about financial aid, scholarships, and student loans. It is possible for you to move out on your own, work part time, and get through college. See what is available.

Lucy, I'm so sorry that this happened to you. I would encourage you to go ahead and make a report to the police even if the outcome doesn't look very good at this point. If nothing else, it will give the police a heads-up about this young man. I can guarantee you that he will rape again. Your report may help out another young woman down the road.

My advice would be to go to BYU for one year. See how it goes. It may be that you can talk your parents out of insisting that you go on a mission. Or perhaps at that point you can pay for your schooling yourself or transfer your credits elsewhere.

Another idea is sign up for the armed forces. Your education will be paid for after your hitch. Or investigate AmeriCorps, a national service organization.

Good luck to you and please keep posting here. We will do whatever we can do to help and advise you.

+1
Rape can put people over the edge if they're already close to it. It's better to let the rapist have some consequences now, and protect innocent people from him.

"They" protect your rapist? really?

You are letting them get away with it.

You are enabling your rapist to do it again ....


You are a victim of this creep..... You need to go to the police.

Please... do it for you and do it for his next possible victims.

I'm sorry that this has happened to you.

As someone who was raped around the same age as you, I say fuck you to those on this forum who are saying you must report this further or you must anything. I agree with what Dogzilla wrote.

Take care of yourself dear. Many here feel your pain.

I'm with dogzilla on this one. A lot of people here are telling you that you have to report to this to the police. I understand why they're saying this, but it might not get you anywhere, and it could be more trouble than it's worth. If you really don't feel up to it, then don't feel like you have to.

The way they handled this is a good, solid reason to leave the church. It's not a matter of having your feelings hurt. A crime was committed, and look at how they handled it.

Don't go on a mission or to BYU. Find some other school to attend. Get a job if you need to. Maybe go to community college for the first couple of years and then transfer to a university. There are options out there.

But whatever you do, get the heck out of that church.

You could talk to a police officer and get a police report written up. You can mark on there if you're willing to testify or not, but having a police report can sometimes be important to have for your own legal protection. You can always add evidence to the police report later by calling the police station, if you can get the evidence back from the bishop. You should also write down everything you remember about the event for your own records. If you want to testify later, such as to restrain this guy by court order if he stalks you again, having accurate records could be important.