Posted by:
paintinginthwin
(
)
Date: October 12, 2010 08:42PM
I like the idea of making a donation to something wonderful your deceased nephew may have loved in his name, or some tremendous adventurous thing like donating money to a space exploration or telescope, or a school in Africa, or a museum of his favorite band, hobby- whatever. For your own good. for your own integrity.
nothing engaging with or involved with or communicated with any family about it- just for your integrity and making peace with dignity.
I am confused reading your first paragraph however.
Who is S, the said nephew that is the one who died? or the brother of dh? or?
Was your husband in an argument where one of the people he was arguing with threatened him bodily harm? and now either a)their son is dead? or b)the person who threatened him bodily harm that he was arguing with died tragically?
if you were to drive hours to some state where would you want to stay? at your mom's or relatives'? these folks asked to be left alone from you at this time so you'd have to not go to family homes when they were there- tricky with mother in law. Grieving son or daughter with a dead son- on the week of their son's funeral trumps visiting sibling & grandkids no doubt. Maybe you have other friends you could stay with. but you cannot help make the funeral meal or make arrangments or plan flowers or make the slide show or contribute digital photographs for a CD or mix music for an event- to contribute near people who are so upset they do not want to engage in further contact with you- they have to welcome you in or put up with you, and it appears they are just unable to feel the love or offer further closeness this horrible week. its like their life is not 'water under the bridge' right now- that conversation or situation is real & they may eventually forgive it- but they do not have to like it or accept it or be close to it. some things look in a bad light and it stinks but that's the way it is. it can't be undone. some things are like that- people can be hurt near life & death & never trust the person that hurt them or someone close to them for years or the rest of their life.
someone else in the family may insist on unity, and try to force the persons asserting their need to limits- to put up with the entire family. movie stars have private funerals some time. some people need to set limits to survive. people intheir own family may disagree bitterly with that other person's perceived needs- but the right to assert that need- to grieve, to be protected, to have their feelings and ideas about what happened- just- be.
that is what you need right now- too- the right to just - be- and it may not be in this extended family because words just ** closeness and cannot be unsaid.
Either way, these people are real real upset right now- because their son is gone. They are also possibly still upset or remembering their last argument with your dh. This is not a good time, when they are so upset, to be close to them or to reach out to them in order to comfort them.
Why would you want to go be near people who are either hurt and angry that their son is gone, and also hurt and angry from their last conversation fighting with you?
I may be misunderstanding this entirely, if the young adult that died, was in a huge argument with one of you (his aunt or uncle) that was so big an argument that he was so upset and angry he threatened to hurt one of you guys physically- while he was arguing- and now he is dead- ? I don't see how him being dead makes it so you have a close relationship and he would have invited you to his funeral, if I understand what you typed, if he threatened to hurt one of you in an argument the last time you were talking/arguing.
I know when I am dead I will have died, but in my mind now it sort of annoys me about anyone that opposed me terribly or didn't support me in my ways/life to make a point of going to my service and gloating over my grave. I know I wouldn't want someone who had continually been negative towards me or not close or supportive to me at all- as I was- before and right when I died- to then show up once I was dead.
I suppose life is for the living, & the living can have & resolve their grief. However the first tier relatives would be this dead young adults' mom, dad, girl friend/ or lover, fiance whatever, any siblings, closest friends & its their call what they want to encounter or put up with. some people just get cremated then no one has to put up with anything just scatter ashes privately.
Some people want to grieve in close community, some can't even leave the house or loose their voice- they do not want to talk. some people do not even use grave markers. some people wants lots of services and ceremony. truely that is the choice of the most intimate immediate family not extended family about what will be the experience of the parents or girlfriend or lover when they grieve. SORRY.
It is possible to bother someone enough that they just don't want you anymore, and it doesn't matter if you're right they have the choice how much they want you in their life. so even if you were there you couldn't go to their house or the personal meal they are having after the event. as they have asserted their opinion or stated what they perceive to be their needs.
When I received an unconsciounable email- which upon sharing with coworkers- had one say aloud, this is NOT how you treat family made it apparent my husband had been raised by wolves. raised among wolves. straight out. It was also during alife or deathmoment- a kid's aggressive tumor dissection. My spouse vacationed without me to see them by himself for several years after that- & I am always ready to leave should it start up again. & one of them I can barely spend time in their presence nor would I want to incidentally. Regardless of offers to visit their home passing through (town) I'd rather eat at Mcdonalds or sleep in a rest area in the seat of my truck & the thought of having them in my house - I'd loose my vocal cords shouting if someone forced an argument on me over them. That said I was positive and polite at and after both kids' weddings, to which they'd been invited & attended. & no doubt were their a funeral they would also attend. But be in my house? I will never forget. forgiven not forgotten I will never trust them again they have shown they are no true friend sister in law wolf acting like she was raised by wolves or something. visit me in my house? over my dead body.
Probably.