Posted by:
Tal Bachman
(
)
Date: July 22, 2014 06:39PM
Mormon leaders once had a lot to say about relationships: you should marry someone from your own culture, or your own race, or a returned missionary, and only in the temple, etc. It often seemed like there was a "preferred Mormon type" of couple.
But life outside the cult indicates that mutually-satisfactory relationships come in all different shapes.
One issue is age gaps. In his thoughtful, recent thread, "Forty Year Old Virgin", "anon" worried about finding a partner, since most women his age are now married or in relationships. Thinking about this, I realized that quite a number of the happy couples I know well in town have very large age gaps between partners. All the couples I describe below are real, and I know them well.
1.) B is, I believe, thirteen years older than her boyfriend, . - who, by the way, utterly adores her. They are a match seemingly made in non-Mormon heaven, and cannot get enough of each other. They have been together for years, and I think, will probably always be together. They are trying for a baby.
2.) L, a guy, is 47. His girlfriend is 23. They also utterly adore each other, and often are with L's kids from his previous marriage.
3.) R is a very "young" 52 Belgian guy. His girlfriend is in her early thirties.
4.) My buddy M married C. M is also 52. His wife is, I believe, 30. They are two peas in a pod and now have a child.
5.) A, a young man, is 22. His girlfriend is 31. They live together and are planning a life together.
Speaking for myself, I have gone out with, or just hung out with, quite a few women since my marriage ended in 2008 (I'm 45 now). My experiences have led me to marvel at the sometimes strange ways that attraction works.
One lady I happened to meet on a trip was fifty. She was married, but I have to admit, was fit, curvy, sexy, charming, feminine, service-oriented, and overall, a genuine smokeshow. Her husband (who, coincidentally, was seventeen years her senior) seemed like a lucky guy. Very few guys, even much younger guys, would have not felt attracted to her.
Another lady I met during a trip was single, and not what you would call beautiful by any means. She was very plain looking. She was also, I think, 58. But she was a very young 58, and she was just so damn honest, so at peace with herself, so healthy and full of life and fun, so passionate about her hobbies, that I had to admit to myself that I would rather spend an evening hanging out with her, than her physically hot daughter, who was around thirty.
On the flip side, most of the women I've dated in the past six years were in their mid-twenties (the youngest was 21, the oldest was 32, with most about 26). All but one were full-on smokeshows. But despite them being smokeshows, I only really felt "attracted" to a couple. One I dated for a while, but then broke up with once I realized there was no future. The other moved away to college, met some guy, and is now married. I later met a hottie as nuts as I was (she's 29), and we've been nearly inseparable now for a year.
What is the point? Well, there's a few. One is that there is an element of mystery to attraction and compatibility. It does not necessarily correlate with age, or even physical beauty.
But more importantly, I submit that, especially as ex-Mormons, we should refrain from negatively judging men and women who have found happiness together. Some people in particular seem very upset by couples fitting the older man-younger woman model, and are very free with insults like "creep" and "perv".
But different people find happiness in different ways. Different people have different needs, and different preferences, and who is to say that any one is right or wrong? Where two people find happiness together, regardless of age gap, culture or race difference, sexual orientation, or anything else, I think we ought to celebrate that - especially as ex-Mormons.
Just my two cents.