So some of you will remember a couple of years ago when I felt like I was having baby fever. You know everyone around me was having babies. And that, I felt, was a normal thing and as quickly as it came it went away and has stayed away.

In the past I haven't had the best pregnancies and we had a child who passed after birth due to birth defects.

Well, despite our efforts(birth control, condoms, etc)... I find myself pregnant. While everyone who does know, expects me to be excited(except for dh, we would like to be excited but we aren't for a few reasons... A) this wasn't planned, we have been happy with 3 children and B) the birth defect possibility.)... I am not. Neither is my husband. This is a really nerve wracking time for us. I am now in my 14th week. And we haven't really told anyone because, like with all my pregnancies there is a chance this baby could have the birth defect our child who passed did. So it is nerve wracking. We considered an abortion. And while I fully support anyone one's right to choose, mine included, I couldn't actually bring myself to actually do it without knowing if this baby will have it or not.

But this week we have an ultrasound that will tell us if everything is ok with the baby. If it is we will obviously continue on with the pregnancy, and I do want to say this pregnancy has been complication free and I am in good health, so it wasn't like a couple of years ago when it was risky to my health to be pregnant.

Anyway, my MIL called yesterday to see how things were going (and most of you know my in law situation is NOT a good one, they are controlling, rude, intrusive and overly opinionated when it comes to our lives and "lack of religion") she was going on and on about how this is heavenly fathers way of telling us to come back and they have been praying and KNOW this baby WILL BE FINE. And that will be a "testimony" to us. *sigh*

I told her "I feel things will be ok too, BUT, if this is a pregnancy like with our son, we will not continue on with the pregnancy like we did the last time. It was to painful and we very naively, due to our beliefs and familial pressures at the time continued on with it and I became VERY ill. So we will be ending this pregnancy if we get the same diagnosis as with our son"

Her response????? "Well if you two feel you could live with that decision of ending a life like that."

The problems that go along with that birth defect cause the baby to literally be a vegetable from day one and their heart goes into heart failure, there is kidney failure and many more problems. All of that stuff happens while in utero and most babies end up being still born, and those who aren't are on ventilators immediately and stay that way. And it isn't a maybe this will happen( it isn't like the cystic fibrosis or down syndrome testing that could be wrong) it happens while in utero and you see it on the ultrasound and there is no fix or maybe the reading isn't correct.

I am upset. And I know I may face criticism from some of you. But you aren't in my position. And I never really wanted to have 4 kids. But I am doing my best. And I know (if the baby is healthy) that I will be happy and love it like no ones business :) It just wasn't what we were planning on. Oh and btw... DH is getting a vasectomy and I finally got a doctor to agree to tie my tubes... his reasons?? I am almost 30.... well shit now I feel old and nervous and tired. And I feel like I have no one to turn to. So I am coming here... I hope.... that you will be kind with me in your judgments(if you choose to make one) and comments.

Like I said it isn't like we were being irresponsible and not using protection or trying to get pregnant. I have been trying to get a doc to tie my tubes for over a year and a half now. *Sigh* So anyway.....

I wanted to post as anon, but I won't because you guys are where I get some of my best advice, best laughs and lots of support.

picked it up and handed to me before I could get to it. I told her I was busy with the kids... and she said she wanted to know how DH and the kids were doing (Dh is away right now in the field.. he is in the Army) so I figured it has been at least two months since we talked on the phone I would give it a go and keep it brief and in that time she managed to get that in. I quickly got off the phone with her because I just wanted to scream and I am trying to stay calm with everything right now, because I stress so easily.

I spoke with my husband and when he gets home he is going to call them and attempt to speak with them about how really idiotic it was for her to say that and that it was none of her business. I doubt that will do any good, because, well it never seems to help

I'm really sorry. Cookie-cutter answers to life don't really apply most of the time, do they?

Although sometimes I wish it were that easy. But that would be living in a non reality based life *sigh*

MIL doesn't need to know anything about this pregnancy one way or the other.
She sounds toxic.

Sending hugs your way.
K

MIL doesn't need to know. If you decide to terminate the pregnancy for health reasons, just tell her that you had a miscarriage.

There is such a thing as being too open and honest. Keep this between your husband and yourself.

summer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> MIL doesn't need to know. If you decide to
> terminate the pregnancy for health reasons, just
> tell her that you had a miscarriage.
>
> There is such a thing as being too open and
> honest. Keep this between your husband and
> yourself.

I agree! Some decisions are private and nobodies business.
Might be good to take them off the "need to know" list.

Giving MIL any information is an invitation for her to belittle and be extremely disrespectful and manipulative. I suggest you keep her out of the discussions and developments. She doesn't need to know and she will try to guilt trip you. You really don't need her input or interferance in your lives.

This situation/pregnancy gives you focus and clarity. I think you are doing things in the best way possible.

"But I am doing my best."

That says it all. That's all you can do.

What you choose to do is a personal, private thing. No one else's business AT ALL.

I was once part of the so called "pro-life" crowd and found them to be a shrill unforgiving bunch. They were "pro-life" until the child was born. I never ONCE heard them talk about getting more funding for W.I.C. or any other program that would help newborn and young children get a good start in life.

It was nothing more than the cult of the cell cluster.

I hope the best for you and your husband during this trying time.

Isn't it amazing the things so called family feel they have a right to say? I bet if you called her on it, she would be oh so offended. UGH! I have a severely disabled daughter and my husbands grandmother thought it was ok to completely ignore her because she thought she was mentally retarded. Like that should matter. My cousin went off on her at a bridal shower and set her straight. Now at least she acknowledges her existence.

I can't imagine the stress you are under and I'm sure it doesn't help with your husband being gone. Do what is right for you and your family and damn those who don't agree. They aren't living in your shoes. Just because you have the misfortune of being related to someone toxic, doesn't mean you have to include them in your life.

I wish you well and I hope all turns out well for you.

I sincerely hope that this child is healthy and well because (reading between the lines) it sounds like deciding to end this pregnancy would be very hard on you emotionally. So I am hoping you do not have to be faced with that choice.

However, if you feel that is the best situation for all involved you certainly have my support and encouragement to make that choice. (Not that you need it, obviously.) I believe that you are a strong person who knows what is best for yourself and your family. I'm so sad that this pregnancy came at a time and in a way that makes it so stressful right from the beginning. I can't imagine being in such a position -- it's not easy having a child after you've resigned yourself to no longer conceiving.

Feel free to email me anytime if you want to talk or feel supported. :)

Sweetheart, as I've gotten older, I've learned that absolutely no one can walk in the shoes of another.

The decision is yours and yours alone. Well, and your husbands of course. You are not taking this lightly. You are agonizing about trying to make the right decisions for you and your family.

You are not going, "Well this is inconvenient. It can go away now."

You're preparing for the worse, or preparing to welcome a new baby into your arms.

I can't imagine any other way to handle it. You're doing the best you can. *hugs*

What a difficult and painful thing you have been through! And the uncertainty and questions you are facing now must be very difficult. I am so sorry for your troubles.

I echo the sentiment of others here. You will make the best decision for you and your family, and it is nobody else's business at all. That is all you can do.

It sounds like MIL already knows about the pregnancy. That is unfortunate. But you owe her no explanation or discussion regarding anything further. It is a difficult, personal, painful decision. And it is for you and your DH to handle and work out for the best for your family.

Sending you and your husband positive thoughts and hoping all goes well for you.

My in laws found out I was pregnant by accident. I told my mom, because usually I find her advice and comfort supportive. Not always.... but anyway... she let it slip to my brother who is in the same ward as my husbands brother and his wife and then my BIL who can't handle anyone not telling everyone everything told my inlaws and my MIL called from work one day (blocked number) on DH's cell and he thought it could be one of his superiors and answered.... he was confronted and said yes, but we did NOT want to tell anyone because of the circumstances. She agreed to keep it quiet.

And we weren't going to tell her about what our decision would be... but I was so angry when she was spouting that stuff I just felt like I had to say it. I wanted to shut her up... and well it kind of worked... until she said what she said.

But I talked to dh last night and we decided no more info going to her. Not even if things turn out perfectly fine. She started talking about coming out for when the baby is born and I told her that will not be necessary as we already have help lined up and will be having my dad coming from europe with his wife and my mom and her husband coming (of course at two different times because my parents can't stand each other *sigh*) So that will hopefully put a stop to her plans

I have 2 sons 15 years a part. My second pregnancy had to be aborted because it was a blighted ovum (baby died but failed to miscarry). Then by my second marriage we agreed no kids because my oldest was a teen. And we got a suprise... I was on birth control... but also had an rx that weakened it's effectiveness. Because I was 37 it was considered a high risk pregnancy and from the start I was cautioned on the risk of Downs Syndrome. My biggest concern was Cystic Fibrosis. A couple of cousins lived short difficult lives because of this genetic disease and I was identified as a gene carrier. I was ready to consider abortion based on that disease because I didn't feel I could handle the knowledge that the child was doomed to a short life of struggling for breath. Luckily my husband tested negatively as a carrier. Next was the amnio question. Did I want to test for Downs? No. Maybe because I didn't have a negative experience with Downs. Maybe because I am afraid of needles. Maybe because I have a Turner's Syndrom sister who is dreamy and sweet. (Turner's is also a chromsonal defect). I went full term not knowing if my baby might have a defect. being an older mom I was required to visit the dr 2 times a week for ultra sound monitoring. They tied me to the monitor for a minimum of 20 mins. They had a baby movement requirement and mothers had to stay sometimes up to 3 hours until the movement count was attained. They only had 4 tables for a slew of moms with high risk preganacies. So the wait to get a table was long. But I was so relieved to have an active baby. I never spent more than 20 mins on the table. I also got a lot of attention. There was one doctor who specialized in reading ultra sounds for birth defects. He assured me our baby was healthy. He just wanted to keep scanning our son because of his size. He said he never saw such a big baby. He predicted if I went to term he would weigh 14 lbs at birth. He assured me that would not be a fat baby our baby was going to be tall. So I was induced early- which turns out is a very painful labor. Our son was 7lbs 6oz at birth and 22.8 inches long. His feet were to long for new baby socks we had to get the 3mo old size. And by his 2 week apt he had doubled his weight. In 2nd grade now he stands a least a head taller that other kids and he has a real sweet heart. I know you will love your unexpected child. I also took resposibility to make sure there are no other suprises. If you decide to have an abortion it is none of MIL business.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2011 11:57AM by taddlywog.

I would be really shocked to see anyone condemn you for this situation. Except maybe the kind who lives under a bridge.

I really feel for you. The only thing I have to say would be that if it is meant to be, it will be. If the baby has the same defect, I would think you are doing the absolute best possible thing in a horrible situation by not prolonging the suffering and going full term. If the baby does not have the defect, then you can breathe a sigh of relief. Keep us updated.

You must be so stressed out. I can't even imagine facing what you are facing.

Take care of each other and tell anyone who gives you any lip to fuck right the hell off.

for your kind words and support. It means a lot to have you guys giving relevant kind support to our situation. :)

Our ultrasound is on Friday... we have to drive two hours.. because we have to have a high level ultrasound to see things more clearly. And there isn't a place around that A)offers it or B) that the military will pay for. They contract with a really great place, but like I said it is two hours away. I would walk that if I had to.

I will keep you all posted. Thank you so much again for your kind words and support.

I just ache for you, and can't imagine how hard the waiting to find out is for you. But if faced with that decision, you absolutely will not have made it lightly. You will have decided together that it is the only humane way to move forward.

The only thing you have to tell anyone who knows is that they can talk to you when they've been faced with the same painful situation, until then they can't possibly have any worthwhile opinions. They have no clue.

You are in my thoughts and the prayers of my heart.

I can't even begin to imagine what you're going through. It sounds as though you have carefully considered what to do if the ultrasound is bad. Follow through - and be kind to yourself.

Hoping the ultrasound will be good and you've suffered all this agony for naught! Keep us posted, please - we care about you

Dear,dear searching 27, I'm sorry to hear of the situation you are in. I totally understand it. You didn't say the defect you are concerned about. I was 4 months pregnant with our 5th baby when thru ultrasound we learned he had anencephaly. I carried him to term and he died. We too knew the whole time he couldn't live after birth. My advice- limit your contact with anyone who is not loving and supportive of whatever you decide. To do it a second time around I would probably abort because, in retrospect, I think as much emotional damage is done by carrying a baby you know won't live as there would be terminating early. BUT, that decision has to be 80/20. The DH gets input but you are the one that lives with the decision. No weight or consideration should be given to your mil's comments, opinions, feelings. She already had the chance for her rediculous input. It takes everything you and your dh have to deal with this. There is no room for the cult's influence directly or indirectly. There are no shortcuts or easy options. I would hug you if I could. You will learn much from this experience. Wish we could talk in person someday. Good luck to you.

I will be thinking about you on Friday for your ultrasound. Please do let us know as soon as possible, and I will be hoping for the best for you

so I think can understand your situation a bit. Here is our story, and how I relate, if that helps any:

Our second child has Asperger's and then the delivery of our third child went badly and left me disabled (pelvic/sacroiliac joint damage). To top it off I had debilitating morning sickness with each pregnancy that pretty much put me out of commission for the 1st 16 weeks each time.

At one point we thought we wanted 4 kids, even with what happened to me after our third. So we had tried and that attempt ended with a miscarriage. We took that as a sign (still TBM's at the time) that we were done and began to move on with our lives. Started using BC methods, dh went back to school, and we began looking for a urologist for dh.

I was terrified and despondent when I found out I was pregnant with #4 about 10 months later. My dh was supportive, but had to quit school when I hit about 7 weeks and couldn't hold anything down and became pretty useless in the 'homemaking' department. Our oldest daughter became very anxious and depressed b/c of her memories of how things went the last time I was pregnant. It was a mess, and I also felt extremely guilty for not doing more to prevent it.

To say it was an awful pregnancy would be an understatement. Then she was born via emergency induction at 37 weeks because the placenta was calcifying and the cord was in a knot. I had also had to be on about half a dozen meds during the pregnancy and had not had time to wean off of them all before she was born.
It did all work out in the end, and she is healthy now, but the entire pregnancy and delivery was fraught with anxiety, trepidation, frustration, and tears. Then there was the tentative counting of milestones as we waited and watched to see whether or not she would have Asperger's or autism like her brother. She is now 4 and has not exhibited any symptoms of an autism spectrum disorder or any apparent lasting effects from her rocky journey into the world.

That was just under 5 years ago. My family an I still live with 'scars' from those days, but things have settled down.

After our daughter was born, my dh refused to have sex until he got a vasectomy and it 'took'. It was a bit of a relationship strain given my fluctuating hormones, but it all worked out eventually.

I don't understand how someone could give you a hard time for terminating an unviable pregnancy. I can certainly understand how difficult it is to bond with a pregnancy that has the potential to bring so much pain & heartache. Any hope or potential joy just gets completely squashed under the weight of all the uncertainty.
What some people don't get is that it's not just about us, we have to take into consideration how this will effect our kids, our husband, and our ability to care for them/do our part in the relationship.

I really feel for you, the not knowing, the feeling of being stuck in an impossible situation, the fear...I am so sorry you are going through this...

I earnestly hope that you will get some happy news come the ultrasound. And if not...then you must do what you must do and fuck anyone who wants to give you shit for it.

Best wishes and a cyber hug.

(my email is prettyinpain5@gmail.com if you would like to talk)

My heart goes out to you,30+years ago I found myself in much the same heartrending situation you are unfortunate to find yourself today.
I sincerely hope you get a positive result and the decision does'nt have to be made,you truly deserve to be spared this distress,but life sadly is'nt so easy.
I had 2 healthy sons and then gave birth to a beautiful daughter,she had spina bifida and hydrocephalas,she died at 5+ months after 4 operations,we were devestated,I became pregnant 2 years later and anguished about whether to have a test or not,I went ahead and had an amniocintesis and the test was positive.
After much heartsearching,considering my health and the quality of life for all our family I decided to terminate,difficult is not a strong enough word to try to convey the depth of feeling at the time,however I knew it was right for me and my family,I have never told anyone this apart from one close friend,it has done me good to write this down.

As others have previously said,it is no one else's business but yours and hubbies,please take care,be kind to yourself and do what is right for you.

Many years later I thought I should tell a bishop about this,something came up in a lesson and being TBM at the time thought it the right thing to do,big mistake,judgement came down swiftly,I removed myself,regrouped and studied my way out,so glad I did.Sending you love and heartfelt empathy.

I completely empathize with your position.

As for having your tubes tied..... Look into newer options. My cousin is having an out patient PERMANENT procedure in her gynecologist's office. This is a less intrusive and more simple procedure than having tubes tied. I don't know what the procedure is called, but a clamp is placed on the tubes. After 3 months an ultra sound is done to make sure scar tissue has adequately closed off the tube. There is NO recovery time, NO down time. Just something to look into.

Sorry you have to deal with the MIL.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/19/2011 05:09PM by bingoe4.

Birth control failed. I became pregnant. I knew the genetic possibilitiy of passing on a family defect. I already took medication to treat the illness in myself.

Early pregnancy tests indicated I was not pregnant. The tests were wrong.

I went into my second trimester - all the while taking a prescription medication that causes fetal heart defects. By then it was too late to stop taking the meds. The damage was already done.

I chose to abort rather than bring a sick baby into the world. It was an agonizing decision, and I still grieve at times to this day.

There is no easy answer in your situation searching27. Good luck and I'm glad you have a supportive husband.

It is on a spectrum of mild to severe. We had severe. The pediatrician and all other doctors involved recommended that we terminate. But our family, bishop and stake president "counseled" us otherwise. (In laws got the bishop and SP involved) Like I said we were pressured. I know deep down we wanted to and should have terminated. But I can't change the past.

They can do shunts and organ transplants... but we are talking on a newborn... day one... what kind of life is that? Not one at all. And where would they get the organs? I mean there is just so much pain involved in the whole process on so many levels. And in the end there is no guarantee of any "miracle" or happy story book ending.

Taddlywog, tawanda2011, Gullibles Travels, kmackie and shannon, thank you all for sharing your experiences. It is helping not feel so isolated and alone with the decisions we may have to make in the upcoming weeks. Which yes, they will be very emotionally devastating to make.

I am glad that I have my husband, who is supportive and loving and for all of you here on this site.

Bingoe4 I will definitely look into that. At my next appt I will ask my doctor about it so I can start researching it.

Again thank you all. I will keep you posted.

Ugh, MIL's sure do have a way with words. Based on what you said, anything that happens, good or bad, will be based on your church attendance. Like MIL said, if it's a healthy baby, it's a sign to return. If things are bad, it's because you don't go to church.

I really hope that things work out. Hopefully you will have a happy, healthy baby. If not, I hope that you and your husband will be comforted in knowing that you made a choice based on what is fair to the baby.

Stop talking with MIL - it sounds like nothing good ever comes from it, and you don't need that stress in your life... Don't call her, and let her leave messages on the phone (that you don't return).

We need to rid our lives of the evil that too often infects it.

I pray that your baby will be healthy and free of abnormality. You & DH shouldn't be criticized for making a choice that will prevent your baby from suffering and pain during its brief life.

Don't tell your MIL anything. You & DH don't need her insensitive remarks adding to your stress levels.

Please keep us posted. We're all wishing the best for you.