Posted by:
GayLayAle
(
)
Date: October 14, 2010 12:33PM
Earlier this week, I sent a letter to my entire immediate family via email, essentially detailing all the reasons why the church has broken my heart and destroyed my life. I didn't just sit an bash the church, but rather, calmly explained how I was feeling and in particular how this BKP thing is affecting me.
I received a response from my TBM little brother yesterday that was very supportive and kind, telling me he completely understood why I was feeling the way I am, and that he supports me and loves me no matter what.
Last night, I received a response from my dad and his heinous wife. It was tantamount to a form letter you would expect to get from someone who just approved you for a credit card. Word-for-word, this was the response:
"Dear Michael,
We love you as we always have. We love you as much as any of our other children. We also love (DH). Even though we don't always agree on religious beliefs, we look forward to continuing our relationship with you throughout our lives.
Our testimonies are unwavering and we choose to follow the prophet. The LDS church has been our strength in our hard times.
We look forward to sharing all future events as a family. We hope that this makes you as happy as it will us.
We have made allowances for you, please do the same for us."
Now, I'll be the first to admit, it wasn't caustic or mean in any way, but (and maybe I'm just being oversensitive here) to me, it felt like nothing I said was acknowledged.
So, I made a decision. I called my dad. And boy did that conversation go south very very quickly.
I asked him why he sent me a form letter in response to a very long letter essentially pouring my heart out. He said "I just didn't want to turn it into a big confrontation with you."
Yeah? The entire reason I wrote my family the letter was to open up a dialogue because it's been the elephant in the room for a very long time, and we all avoid talking about it like it's some kind of dirty secret. I explained quite explicitly in the letter that I wanted open and honest conversation with them about all this.
And then my dad launched in. He said the church is the most important thing in his life and that he sustains everything the leadership of the church says, even what Packer spouted. So I asked him point blank if he thinks of me the same way Packer does. His response was "I would never call you those things." I said "Yeah, but do you THINK them, dad?" He hesitated and stumbled over words and said "I would NEVER call you those names, but I guess, yes- I support what he said."
Like a knife in the gut. I was always proud of the fact that even though my dad may not understand being gay, he supported me. Well the truth finally came out. I broke down and started crying and he continued going, telling me essentially that I should be grateful that he's supported and accepted me as much as he has, and that it's been a huge burden on him for so long.
It went on, and on and on like that for I don't even know how long. A lot of other things got put out on the table that have little or nothing to do with the church, but he also told me that I need to move past what the people in our ward did to my family back when my mom was alive, and (and when he said this, I almost reached through the phone and strangled him) that MY MOM WOULD WANT ME TO FORGIVE AND MOVE ON.
So, that was the meat of the conversation. In a nutshell, he made it very clear that if I asked him to choose between me and the church, he would unquestioningly choose the church.
I'm broken.