Posted by:
anagrammy
(
)
Date: November 22, 2014 12:11PM
I am exactly your age and I definitely have something to say about your struggle.
It is the fault of the Mormon society you are in and, presumably, have spent a lifetime trying to meet their expectations. Mormonism is a subculture which defines women's value based on the contribution they make to the success of a man. The cruel truth is, unless you are caregiving for grandchildren or an elderly relative, thus helping your children to free up time for church callings, you are useless.
You have two choices, leave Utah and stop trying to swim upstream. OR, if you cannot do that, realize that your anxiety over losing their respect is completely due to the paradigm inside your head. Which is a hopeful thing, because you can do something about that.
Let's assume leaving Utah is not an option. You are there and need to restore a more balanced personality which will connect you to some of the undeveloped parts of yourself. In other words, you will be able to easily make decisions regarding your hair, your nails, and the weight you give to your appearance when you are no longer the "empty vessel" Mormonism creates for the benefit of priesthood holders.
I am asking you to trust me because I have been where you are and have given myself the best, most exciting and wonderful life based on resuscitating my creative self. There is no truer joy than creating something absolutely beautiful which expresses your feelings and your taste. People who are actively engaged in a self-expressive art form, whether it is sewing, painting, furniture refinishing, sketching , photography, working with animals, teaching reading, writing a book, stained glass, or collecting rocks... are not concerned about their hair, their wrinkles, or when it is age-appropriate to stop wearing yoga pants.
The workbook which helped me find my way to the golden years was "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. Originally written to help creatives who suffered from blocks, her book has stood the test of time and been used by millions, including countless celebrities. Although I had been out of Mormonism for years, I discovered that I continued some self-deprecating habits like never spending money on myself alone for experiences. If I couldn't get a child or friend to go with me, I wouldn't go. It seemed like a waste. This is stinking thinking.
With Julia Cameron's help, I started giving myself "artist dates" even though I wasn't an artist. I'm not telling any more of her fabulous exercises since I want you to get the book.
I read a book on women's intuition and both "Silence Speaks" and "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. In the former I learned that I didn't know everything but thought I did (Mormon conditioning: "You know everything you need to know for your salvation") In the latter I learned that it is not too late for me to find real happiness. That in spite of my (terrible) mistakes, I am still a worthwhile person with something to contribute to the world.
You probably "know" these things in your head but your conditioning has not allowed you to feel the truth in your gut. When you find a mode of self-expression that gives you tremendous pride, when you free your creative self, you will no longer care what the prisoners of the Mormon social bubble think of you.
It's not the color of your hair that's making you wonder if you have respect, it's the lack of color inside. By winning victories inside your mind, you can become the kind of person you were always meant to be -- and WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT COULD BE? Isn't it exciting to have good health and be able to go on that inward journey?
You needn't be afraid to retire -- you'll just have more time for the development of YOU. You've deferred it long enough, it's time to trade thinking about how you look to investing time and thought into WHO YOU ARE and how you can express that in the thirty years you have left.
Please let us know how it goes for you. Every older woman here understands what it feels like to go from having doors opened for you to being completely invisible.
Kathleen Waters