I am a 70-year-old widow, who resigned from the Mormon church a few years ago. My children and grandchildren are all out, too. Once we knew The Truth, it was a no-brainer decision to leave, and our life is much better without the time and energy drain of the Church. My problem is that I have no outward self-image.

Most of our friends and all of our relatives are Mormons, and I'm the only one who hasn't had plastic surgery or liposuction. Mormon women in my area wear leggings, mini skirts, skinny jeans, spandex exercise clothes, outside of church. They look like they're trying to be little teen-agers, but sexy. I'm a single working woman, in a different role.

I want to stop dyeing my hair, and let it go white. All hair dye gives me a rash. I'm afraid my friends and family will think I've "given up." They always criticize women who have "let themselves go." I know from living here for years, that "snowheads" get no respect. Other drivers honk at them, people cut ahead of them in line--otherwise, the elderly are invisible. (Yet, it is the citizens of my generation that are supporting those other generations, financially.) Will white hair lose me respect at work?

In the Mormon church, an old lady's greatest achievement is to be married to a GA, or other "authority". Some of my aunts had nine children, and over 100 grandchildren, who all sang at their funerals. My older widowed cousin went on a "work mission," because she was not allowed to go on a regular mission. Otherwise, the invisible widows sit on the last row at sacrament meeting, alone. After years of that, I might never recover my self-esteem, but I want to at least LOOK confident, and like a real human being, if you know what I mean.

Any fashion advice? Magazine fashions and makeovers seem to have a cut-off at age 50. That's 20 years ago. Is 70 too soon to stop dyeing the hair? How to I cope with the loss of self-esteem?

I quit coloring my hair when I was 50, i'm 60 now. It was almost pure white.

I don't miss the pain of keeping it colored. I get a lot of compliments on my hair. I try to keep it cut in an updated style.
I found it to be very freeing.

Probably what I see isn't the reality you live daily....but, where I'm from (in the midwest) we defer to older men and women. We don't cut them off in line or try to bully them, how disrespectful and sorry you've encountered that. We offer to lift things into their carts at grocery stores (when the object is heavy) and I encourage my young boys to hold doors open.

I know several of my older neighbors (retired farmers) and appreciate when they stop over to chat on my farm. I appreciate their advice and love when they tell stories about farming practices of yester year. They're nice to my kids, enjoy seeing my animals, and full of great advice. My life is better because of people in their 70's, 80's and 90's.

Anyway, it's sad you are judged by your appearances. Don't let their views affect you. Live your life and be an authentic example to those around you. The younger kids need that!

The key to leading an authentic life is to be independent of the good and bad opinions of others. It's not easy, but can be done. Dress and wear your hair in whatever way you feel comfortable.

Older women alone are treated like crap by society. You have to develop enough self esteem to mentally tell'em to shove it, and go about your business. They will judge you either way, but that's their problem.

Be sure to watch your back though, which you probably know already. Even family will sometimes take advantage of your vulnerability, as I've learned.

Someday those young sexy things will be old, too, if they live long enough. That's the only thing that's fair in life.

I am nearly 65-- hard to believe! I also quit coloring quite a while ago. My hair is short, and I let it curl with no attention. All natural, no heat, no curlers, no color-- the best thing to keep it strong. I don't even comb it!! The only extra thing it gets is purple shampoo. And I get compliments on this.

For the art of successful aging I recommend the books of Helen Gurley Brown......"I'm wild again," is one title that comes to mind.

HGB's aging guru is Jack Lalanne, who lived to be over 90 and probably would have lived longer if he had gone to the hospital when he got pneumonia like his family urged him to.

HGB lived to be 90 and she looked FABULOUS.

Both of these aging gurus recommend lots of exercise. I recommend Callanetics. You can't go wrong with Callanetics.

AS FAR AS YOUR HAIR.....buy a wig. Buy a wig in every color there is. THen decide which one you like best.

OR.......

Cultivate a taste for beautiful (or outlandish) hats. Keeps the observer looking UP, which is what you want.

Above all, watch your posture.

As you age, it is so easy to turn into a question mark.

Do not be a question mark.

Be an exclamation point.

That's about it.

I LOVE this advice! Brilliant. Buying the book!

I had to laugh at what you wrote, OP. It's all so true! I've had plastic surgery (while TBM) and, perhaps it's because I still live in Utah where it's so expected, but I get Botox and color my hair and wear acrylic nails. It's exhausting keeping it up, and entirely superficial. I'm like City Creek Mall--I could be feeding the poor instead. It's kind of sad how much like Hollywood we are here. Only a "holier than thou" Hollywood, with our "modest/sexy" take on fashion. Which, frankly, isn't modest or sexy.

On the other hand, even though I'm in my forties, I feel as young as I did in my twenties. Everything works without pain. So...I like looking 10 years younger, because I feel 20 years younger. And now that I don't wear garments, FINALLY, this is my chance to be sexy and wear what I want. And usually it's tight and inappropriate for my age. What the hell. I'll probably been slutting it up in my 80s.

You girls are hilarious! let the hair go natural, you save lots of money. I am letting mine grow out for the winter, and doing nothing to it but shampooing. naturally curly hair, you know. I also get lots of compliments from strangers.
librarian, who is way over the hill and gone!

If you didn't know your age, how old would you act?

Out in the real world most people don't aspire to looking like plastic pixies - they're too busy doing their own thing. Let other folks mind their own business. Some people look better as they age, maybe you're one of them.

You need to get your inner roar back. Confidence comes from within. Women can be patronised whatever age they are. Mentally tell shallow people to shove it. When you're 100, you'll look back and think what a spring chicken you were at 70.

I don't really notice what people look like or how old they are, I just like being with nice people.

By the way, I know a lady who's 105 and still going strong, so I wouldn't bother becoming a botox bunny just yet. You're too young.

The sexiest older women are the ones who age normally and don't try to fool people. Dress well, wear stuff that fits, don't color your hair if you don't want to, and never-never-never have surgery to your face that isn't a medical necessity.

OK, I am a guy and I want to chime in here. My bride stopped coloring her hair several years ago and I think it looks great. She'll be 68 in Feb but I still see the 18 year old I met back in 1965. It's hard for me to see her as old. She is vibrant and alive. Man, what did she ever see in me? I ask her that all the time. I think I got the better deal in our getting together.

I'm not far behind you - my hairdresser does my hair (now naturally grey) in a fantastic box bob and then does the 'rock chick' shuffle - she says it suits who I am.

I walk out of there feeling so good - ROCK IT BABY! ringing in my ears as the staff in the salon wave goodbye.

We are children of the mid 1940s (baby boomers over here in the UK). We did the 1960s thing and we've been around the block a few times. Some laughter lines are classy - you flash them with a big smile and you'll shine.

No frozen face for me - and thankfully you keep your fabulous natural persona to rock around mormonland - stuff 'em!

Briggy

White hair can be sexy.

Sorry. I stopped concentrating, then. White hair, you say? Oh, my! ;o))

Thank you for your responses! I'm used to being invisible and ignored, so I didn't expect anything.

It's true that people in Utah are rude, in general, so maybe it doesn't matter if you have brown hair or white hair.

I don't have great hair like Briggy, or nice curly hair like librarian, so maybe I'll wig out on wigs. Maybe if I leave my hair alone, (as "Me" suggested) it will stop falling out.

You people are so nice! Glad some of you men think older women can be sexy! Unbelievable. I've been feeling like I have one foot in the grave, and maybe have been acting like that, too. I'm afraid of retiring, so I don't.

Carol wrote:
"Even family will sometimes take advantage of your vulnerability, as I've learned."
That has already happened to me, twice, but it has been attempted many more times than that. Older people, be warned! Make sure you know a good lawyer.

I'm going to get that HGB book that Lois Lane suggested. I think we might be the same age, and she has some substance to her. Too many older role models are like Helen Muren, Jamie Lee Curtis, Cher, and Tina Turner--not your typical women.

Kendal Mint Cake--we all need to develop your attitude. It is healthy!

Flying Free, I was like you in my 40's and 50's, and it was fun being glamorous. Don't feel guilty about it. Looking polished and pampered boosts your self esteem. Maybe I went a little overboard, and relied to heavily on superficial things, which makes this transition to old age even more difficult.

You guys really came through for me--I was really discouraged, and now there's hope!

I tell her she is a bad "Old Woman" all the time :) She drives too fast, she drives too far (out of state), she introduces me to new cocktails, she doesn't quilt/knit or anything crafty. She does exactly what she wants exactly when she wants to and there is no stopping her lol. She was engaged for a while about ten years ago and she decided she didn't want the work and broke it off. She is beautiful because she is confident in herself. I want to be just like her when I grow up :)

Susan, maybe there is an advantage in old age that I've overlooked! Your friend feels free to be an individual, and pave her own way like a pioneer. As another poster said, old people are an example to others who will be old someday. We don't want to be a gloomy example.

I had an older friend who turned down a proposal of marriage, when she was 72. She said that she didn't want to be nursemaid to an old geezer. It seems a bit heartless, but older people get tired, and my friend thought she had earned the right to retire--really retire.

You are FREE! Enjoy it to it's fullest. My friend who is now 84 introduced me to a friend of hers that was in her late 80s then. She DID get married and she went back to her own retirement community in... well it was less than two weeks and she filed the divorce papers. Once they were married he thought that meant he could treat her like the maid. Not. He stalked her for a couple of years if you can believe it. You would have thought he was in seventh grade the way he went on.

So you go girl! You are all that and a bag of chips. Anyone tries to make you feel different send them my way ;)

My mil who is a nevermo is 82. She has a boyfriend, but she's in the process of dumping him. Why? He wanted her to sell her home and move in with him. He desperately needs a full time nurse. She wasn't interested in paying him to take care of him.

She's in great shape, and looks at least 15 years younger then she is. She has no use for a ball and chain at this stage in her life. She has her own home, and is financially secure. She's not about to give that up for a bossy old man.

She's going on a cruise to Greece in the spring. Her BF is not invited. She takes loads of classes on jewelry making, painting, travel, and whatever interests her. She enjoys her adult kids, but isn't dependent on them. In fact, she's told us where she'll be staying when she can no longer maintain her home. I'm pretty sure she'll live to be 100 or more just like her parents did.

Even at 57, I take note of how the younger generation treats me, but it doesn't bother me anymore.

My aunt became a widow 6 years ago in her 60s. She lives in Mesa. She told me that she was amazed how quickly she was relegated to the back row with the other widows and she lost her status.

One thing about the hair coloring. My daughter told me to NEVER dye my hair. My daughter is extreme TBM and she hates how the womens' hair looks that has been dyed. She has a bunch of women I call her "Mormon moms" and they all dye their hair. She hates it. Says it looks fake. I'm lucky in that my hair has only started to really show much gray, but I don't plan on ever dying it. I no longer wear dresses. I wear little makeup. I always have worn very little makeup. I do have a boyfriend of 10 years, but I refuse to live with him or get remarried. I like my own space.

My older sister moved out of Utah in her 30s because she hated the stepford wives of Mormonism.

I have to tell this one. I've been waiting to share this. My boyfriend and I went to a Christmas craft fair. His coworker was selling stuff at it and he promised he'd go. So this one girl--really pretty girl, pushing a stroller, had on these gold colored yoga pants that went to below her knees. We could see the lines of her garments carefully tucked down into the pants. It looked DISGUSTING. I didn't know if my boyfriend noticed and he SURE DID. He finds it shocking that Mormons wear these pants and claim to be chaste.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/21/2014 10:57PM by cl2.

cl2, at 57, I like to think I am still part of the younger generation. ;o))

that I'm not.

I've worn a short, sassy, Halle Berry cut for the past decade- very fitting of my personality and lifestyle. I went through two brain surgeries and when my hair came back, I started to recognize my beauty and strength. While mindful the greater majority of men appreciate long, luxurious locks, it doesn't phase me a bit. I embrace every inch of my femininity deep from within.

Be who you are, regardless of what current trends suggest. Fads may come and go but your own unique style transcends. Audrey Hepburn was a good example of such:)

I think given the right haircut, white hair can look very chic. A coworker of mine in NYC kept her white hair in a wedge haircut. She always looked stunning. My own hair is a very pale white-blonde. A child told me today that it's the same color as "the girl from the movie, Frozen" -- Elsa. So I think that younger kids would probably really like it!

It's surprising to discover that there are MEN who aren't caught in the glamor web.

You women have great advice, so thank you! You have been my inspirational role models. It would be lovely to be my authentic self, on the outside as well as in the inside!

Ha-ha, if fake dyed hair is "Mormon-ish", then I want to do the opposite!

Dye-shmye

Emmylou Harris

I got my first gray hair when I was 13. By my 30's I was having to dye it. About 8 years ago (I'm 58 now) I just quit coloring. I like to wear it short and told my stylist it needs to be easy to maintain, but still feminine. I could be mistaken for a man (short, fat, small boobs), so I need to have the hair still say woman.

I stopped bothering with makeup about 5 years ago too. I know I look much better with it on, but I don't really care. This is who I am. If a man doesn't have to wear makeup, I don't see why I should either.

I'll never be mistaken for a model, but my family thinks I'm beautiful and that's all that really matters.

For some strange reason, Mormons are obsessed with gender. On the other hand, if you don't want lesbos hitting on you, a softer image could be good. Feminine earrings, maybe large ones can also help.

Come out to Sonoma County! Most of us women over 50 have let our hair grow out to natural - even a couple of female newscasters have done it!

My boss, just turned 60, wears skinny jeans, but they are some how "age appropriate". They're called "Not Your Daughter's Jeans". Macy's carries them and they fit mature figures.

Make up: Go have your make-up done and see if you like some of it.

Shoes: They are now making shoes that are fashionable, yet comfortable. Check out Bear Trap shoes, for one.

Exercise, moisturize, eat right and drink plenty of water.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/22/2014 01:22AM by wine country girl.

This has been a good thread to read. It's taken me a while to "just be me". I have friends that have manicures and pedicures a lot. The only manicure I've ever had wasn't great. She ended up cutting me. I'm diabetic and my doctor said not to soak my feet in the water during a pedicure. I was going to have one for my 50th birthday but wires got crossed so I didn't.

My friend has been doing botox since she was 40. I don't think she looks any younger than I do and she's getting the trout pout look. I don't know about all of you but I think the overdone lips are gross. My husband makes comments like "...do they really think they look good like that"? To each their own, but I don't get the amount of money people spend on all this stuff. No wonder they are drowining in debt. Not only that but the medical risks.

My niece keeps getting the false eyelashes. She is adorable with or without them. I personally don't think she needs them.

I have days where I do more but most of the time I dress comfortably. In Texas there are the women that are just like Mormons. They all have boob jobs, the same style of hair, and are super skinny. They look like carbon copies of each other and there's nothing unique about them. I guess their husbands must like them. I personally think they look too topy heavy and are going to teeter over. We also have the opposite of the spectrum that wear whatever and do what they want.

I'm pushing 40, and while I do get my hair colored to cover grays, I keep it pretty close to my natural color of brown, with some red highlights for fun. From what I've seen, going blonde or having huge blonde highlights is what Mormons do, so by going natural with some red, I'm doing the opposite. I do have it shoulder length and in layers, but that's what works for the type of hair I have which is fine in texture.

As far as manicures go, I rarely have them because I do so much with my hands that polish tends to chip after a short time, and I don't like the look of chipped polish. I do have my toenails painted all the time because if you somehow get a chip there, you can wear closed toed shoes. I like having natural fingernails, so I have no desire to ruin them with acrylics or that gel stuff that's so popular these days.

I don't see the need to get Botox or any other type of cosmetic procedure. The only areas I'll allow to be waxed are my eyebrows and upper lip, and even then, I like having full eyebrows to where I don't need to draw fake ones. When it comes to makeup, I don't like to look like I've got makeup on as I prefer natural looking stuff.

When I'm doing something really interesting I'm so absorbed that I never think about what other folks might think about me. Maybe you could do with finding something that gets you really excited.

Or get a dog. I know loads of people with dogs, horses etc who are too busy having fun with their four legged buddies to care what bipeds think.

When I still attended church I felt judged all the time. Even though I was as Molly Mormon as they come, it crushed my confidence and turned me into pliable a little mouse.

I now try not to think of people I meet as male or female, but as other human beings who should not be stereotyped. Who says a female should be the archetypal Mrs Woman with high heels, handbag and dress with frilly collar? Not me!

If you want to know how energetic 70 plus women can really be, go to a Johnny Mathis concert in the UK. They act like mad teenagers as they run to the stage shouting "I love you Johnny!". In a lot of ways, the roller generations are propping up the UK economy. Many older people are still working, but when they retire they end up caring for the grandchildren and doing volunteer work.

Older not roller (autocorrect!)

Oh now you are talking my kind of music! But my heart will always belong to Mr. Cole. And that is a very good point about the pups Kendal. A pup can be a lot of company. And there are a lot of activities you can get involved in with them :)

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vDN5rG3wLa4

I like Nat singing Stardust too. There's still only Johnny for me though!

And I love to wear boots......

I just wish I could wear low cut tops and sleeveless tops....but my arms/neck age me so I don't.

Being into yoga and having daughters/grand daughters encourages me to be a "young" 71.


Some days I feel young and energetic but some days I feel very old and sluggish.......

I usually dab on a lil make up/powder and a lil eye liner when I go out......not necessarily for the grocery store...

I am retired. And I am learning to be me....not a daughter, wife, mother or grand mother only.

Enjoy being YOU
KJ/AnonyMs

AND I love Johnny Mathis

Several years ago I worked in an Indian hospital. I kind of realized this before, but I really noticed here that so many of the old women did not fit society'standards of beauty. They were wrinkled and gray, but when they smiled they lit up the room!

I have always felt that when you are young you have the physical beauty you were born with. As you age you have the beauty that comes from inside. Just think about how many pretty young girls are not pretty when they get older. And then think about all the plain Janes that are beautiful when they get older.

The secret is not the hair or makeup, etc. It is in loving yourself and doing what makes you happy. I have met people in their 40s who were old, and I know poeple in their 90s that are young. So just do what you love and love yourself.

What a great thread!

I went natural a few years ago and I love it.

I am mostly gray/white in front only. There's nothing worse than having the wind blow your hair back so that your white roots show in all their glory. lol

My hair (which is very fine) starting thinning and I didn't want to go the chemical route. OP try Biotin. I use NATROL Biotin 5000 mcg, which tastes great and dissolves in the mouth. It has made a real difference in my hair and nails.

Don't get the biotin which has calcium added.

Bare Essentials makes a great make-up without added chemicals. Awesome stuff.

I'm a widow and almost 70 and I work in my own book/gift store with a partner. It's a great life, a dream come true for me.

Oh my God. I am so sorry that you have to deal with that. It's ridiculous. I am 30 and lived in Utah until I was 24. It has done wonders for my self esteem moving out of Utah and not being surrounded with all of that. I know how terrible the pressure was in high school and college in Utah, but I'm sure it's even worse once the botox, surgery expectations come into play. I suppose it wouldn't be realistic for you to move out of Utah...although if it was an option, I would HIGHLY recommend it.
As for your beauty, what makes you really feel beautiful? I love to get my hair done and my nails, but don't mess with the tanning or expensive makeup, etc. The times I really feel best about myself is when I'm exercising and eating healthy-not cause I lose weight, but because I really FEEL healthier. That honestly makes me feel better about myself than any outward changes.
Do you have any hobbies? Maybe trying some new activities could help?
Who knows, just some ideas! I really, really hope all of these great posts help you find what you're looking for!

Good luck

This is a very interesting thread with mostly women responding. It is natural to for all of us to want to maintain good a physical appearance as possible even as we age and maybe women worry a bit more about this than men.

I am a 70 year old now single man living in the heart of Mormonism in Utah County and fully retired. My thoughts on this thread is that I prefer just growing old naturally and accepting the change in your looks that come with age. Of course do all you can to be as healthy as possible and to look and be your best but I do not really understand surgery or maybe even hair coloring is really needed for that. Grow old gracefully but take as good of care of yourself as you can.

I like women who do that. If it is important to a woman to have a certain color hair or hair look and that helps her self esteem then I find nothing wrong with that but I also fully accept a woman who just wants to be her natural self. What is most important is that you feel good about yourself so do what will really help that to happen.

I am just giving my man perspective here as I know some of you women may be interested in hearing from the other gender. I myself just try to be as fit as I can and am happy with my very graying but full hair and prefer to keep it quite short like I have my whole life. I would not consider surgery but just accept the wrinkles of time.

My advice would be to just be satisfied with who you are and do expect to show signs of aging as time goes by and work to keep yourself as healthy as possible.

I am exactly your age and I definitely have something to say about your struggle.

It is the fault of the Mormon society you are in and, presumably, have spent a lifetime trying to meet their expectations. Mormonism is a subculture which defines women's value based on the contribution they make to the success of a man. The cruel truth is, unless you are caregiving for grandchildren or an elderly relative, thus helping your children to free up time for church callings, you are useless.

You have two choices, leave Utah and stop trying to swim upstream. OR, if you cannot do that, realize that your anxiety over losing their respect is completely due to the paradigm inside your head. Which is a hopeful thing, because you can do something about that.

Let's assume leaving Utah is not an option. You are there and need to restore a more balanced personality which will connect you to some of the undeveloped parts of yourself. In other words, you will be able to easily make decisions regarding your hair, your nails, and the weight you give to your appearance when you are no longer the "empty vessel" Mormonism creates for the benefit of priesthood holders.

I am asking you to trust me because I have been where you are and have given myself the best, most exciting and wonderful life based on resuscitating my creative self. There is no truer joy than creating something absolutely beautiful which expresses your feelings and your taste. People who are actively engaged in a self-expressive art form, whether it is sewing, painting, furniture refinishing, sketching , photography, working with animals, teaching reading, writing a book, stained glass, or collecting rocks... are not concerned about their hair, their wrinkles, or when it is age-appropriate to stop wearing yoga pants.

The workbook which helped me find my way to the golden years was "The Artist's Way" by Julia Cameron. Originally written to help creatives who suffered from blocks, her book has stood the test of time and been used by millions, including countless celebrities. Although I had been out of Mormonism for years, I discovered that I continued some self-deprecating habits like never spending money on myself alone for experiences. If I couldn't get a child or friend to go with me, I wouldn't go. It seemed like a waste. This is stinking thinking.

With Julia Cameron's help, I started giving myself "artist dates" even though I wasn't an artist. I'm not telling any more of her fabulous exercises since I want you to get the book.

I read a book on women's intuition and both "Silence Speaks" and "The Power of Now" by Eckhart Tolle. In the former I learned that I didn't know everything but thought I did (Mormon conditioning: "You know everything you need to know for your salvation") In the latter I learned that it is not too late for me to find real happiness. That in spite of my (terrible) mistakes, I am still a worthwhile person with something to contribute to the world.

You probably "know" these things in your head but your conditioning has not allowed you to feel the truth in your gut. When you find a mode of self-expression that gives you tremendous pride, when you free your creative self, you will no longer care what the prisoners of the Mormon social bubble think of you.

It's not the color of your hair that's making you wonder if you have respect, it's the lack of color inside. By winning victories inside your mind, you can become the kind of person you were always meant to be -- and WHO KNOWS WHAT THAT COULD BE? Isn't it exciting to have good health and be able to go on that inward journey?

You needn't be afraid to retire -- you'll just have more time for the development of YOU. You've deferred it long enough, it's time to trade thinking about how you look to investing time and thought into WHO YOU ARE and how you can express that in the thirty years you have left.

Please let us know how it goes for you. Every older woman here understands what it feels like to go from having doors opened for you to being completely invisible.


Kathleen Waters