So I was born and raised into the lds church. Ever since I can remember I've gone to church, the activities and I've never been one to object what my parents already assumed of me. I never got along with members, if I did that was a rare occasion. I trusted and bonded more with the non lds community than the lds community. There were things I liked about the 'Gospel' but also there were many things I was conflicted with, like the rules I would follow and the rules I didn't really care for. I was a completely different person at church and in front of my parents than when I was with my nonmember friends and myself. The one thing I learned was how to portray itself as a 'perfect' being, the only reason to why I kept my church persona unflawed was because I liked the feeling when I was being praised or doing right in there eyes. I knew how to use my words to my advantage to hide how I felt inside and the things that I knew they would judge. I felt like I wasn't really being myself and I was holding myself back. When I was younger I acted the way I wanted when I wasn't around any lds influence, I told myself that when I became an adult it would be easy to change. Now that I've turned 18 and I'm starting to become an adult, I don't see any desire to change the person that I am. My senior year of high school, I started to not care for seminary, I even ditched many times my second semester, it was easy to and I didn't really care for it. Throughout my high school career, I've never been too fond of the going on dates with different people, because when I was interested in someone I just wanted to date them and I had a few Mormon boyfriends. I realized while dating the boys I was interested in, they weren't good relationship, they put themselves before me and it was as I didn't matter. I felt like I had to be the perfect Molly Mormon and I learned that Mormon boys just aren't for me. I wanted someone who is open minded and nonjudgmental and I found that very hard to look for among the lds group I didn't really like and yet was forced to grow up with. I didn't want to surround myself with judgmental people, I would hear more gossip coming from young women's than my actual high school. It was ridiculous, they were ridiculous. It just seemed like Mormonism was a puzzle and I was not a puzzle piece to fit it. After graduation, I started 'going' to singles ward and before that I started a relationship with a non lds guy. I only went to singles ward because I was able to convince my friends to only go to sacrament and I would just do whatever I wanted until I had to go home. I was lying to my father but honestly, like couldn't have been better. As weeks passed by, I realized the only thing that was making me unhappy was the fact that I felt like I was still being pressured to be apart of the church even after my graduation. It was emotionally draining and it was slowly making me depressed. I felt so negative because I was conflicted with the perfect self I created and my actual self. I knew that I couldn't take it any longer, so I decided one Saturday night, that I would tell my father the next morning. The next morning came, and I was anxious. I didn't know what to expect, because I had never done anything to go against my fathers wishes before. When I told him I lost interest in it and I didn't want to feel forced to go, he just started giving me a lesson and saying his testimony. He asked what I didn't like about it and I gave him one reason, due to me being uneducated on many things, he then gave me another lesson. I just stayed silent like I usually do, and over a little bit of time he ended up blaming my relationship with a non member for my lost of interest of the church. When I tried to make him realize it only had to do with me, I thought he finally understand. I was drained from the argument and I just wanted alone time. I told my father I was going for a drive to clear my mind and he stopped me and told me no because I was going to church with them. I was shocked. I have never felt so much anger in one moment. After telling him that was the only thing I didn't want him to do to me, he tried to give me another lesson, but I told him to stop and basically told him I didn't want to hear it and I left for my room. He came back to talk to me about my attitude, and told me that since he's paying for my college, I have to go to church. I never would have thought he would hold college over my head. I went to church that day and I have been gone on multiple trips and have reviewed the news that my tuition for the year is paid for fully with scholar ships and grants. I am going to school for free and my father doesn't have to pay a penny. Now that it's fully in force, I am deciding how to bring up the conversation that he can't force me to go to church anymore because he's not paying for my college. Yet I am terrified of what he will hold against me next, I know I can always use the fact that I can just go live with my mom, but I really don't want it to come to that.. I'm new at this, and I know this was a very lengthy story, but I just wanted to give as much background as I could. If you have any advice, please comment back. I feel so alone and I don't know how to get past this. Thank you.

It sounds like you tried to tell your dad and he didn't want to hear what you had to say. You are an adult and are capable of making good decisions. Do your grants and scholarships cover student housing? It is probably in your best interest to leave your father's house. If you stay you will face constant manipulation and lectures from your dad. You deserve to live a happy and authentic life. It can be scary to strike out on your own but it's thrilling and wonderful at the same time. Take care of you and make choices that are right for you. If you form your life around what others want and expect of you, down the road, if not sooner you'll regret it. Good luck to you, and remember you're capable of making the best choices for you!

You are not alone; many young adults are forced to stand up to their parent(s) in order to become their own individuals. Mormanism adds a creepy layer to it, because TBMs suffer a special deafness to non-lds approved routes.

How dependent are you on your dad, and why do you reject the idea of living with your mother?

Unless and until your dad is willing to accept you as an ex-mormon, you have a choice. Continue lying to him and bending to his will, or continue your path to adulthood. You may need to accept that leading an authentic life will mean that those closest to you will reject your authenticity.

I'm also going to cut your dad a little slack, here. It doesn't sound like you had given him any indications that you were not TBM, and the sudden news may have been a shock. His reaction to the daughter he thought knew may have been knee-jerk, from fear. You may want to let him get to know you - the real you, and that you love him either way.

"I won't be going to church today. I have other plans." Then leave the house.

You told him. He didn't listen. TBMs tend to be that way.

There's no need to explain. You can make your own decisions. Like a broken record you can say, "I've explained as much as I need to. I'm taking a break from your church to clear my head." Then leave the room or the house.

It's very difficult to read dense material with no paragraph breaks. You might want to edit your good story if you want more posters to read it and reply. My eyes were tired and burning half way through it and I had to come back hours later to finish it.

Be strong. You're doing the right thing to leave Mormonism but your father isn't likely to understand now or for years to come. Sorry about that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/09/2015 11:28AM by Cheryl.

Here's the deal: You have every right to live the way you and your father has the right to spend his hard-earned money the way he sees fit...and most TBMs don't want to spend it on supporting a lifestyle they don't agree with. Bottom line: If you are supported by your parents in any way, to include room and board you need to be respectful. This means helping around the house, attending church and being pleasant to be around, etc. You need to decide what your freedom is worth to you. Neither situation is great, but we all go through cutting financial ties at some point... It is how we grow up. I know it sucks, but the person with the money calls the shots. And one day you may very well work for an employer who has some level of authority over you as well. Your employer may tell you what to wear, when to get up, how to speak, etc. Welcome to adulthood. Be wise and think twice before burning bridges. Full disclosure: I was one of those kids who sucked it up during BYU.

I know...just another point of view that helped me when needed to suck it up. :)

Mormon females are taught to be afraid of "the world" and to be dependent on men.

Get a part time job where you must work on Sundays. Coffee shops are always looking for help Sunday morning.

Move out. Don't live with either parent. Live with students your own age. Contact housing at your college. They will help you. They also have free counseling for emotional issues.

You don't need to explain your changing beliefs to anyone. You are an adult. Keep repeating that until you believe it. Move out as soon as possible. You can do it! =)

I always say, you know that you have reached adulthood when you are willing to disappoint your parents (in this case, your father.) It's a normal part of the process of growing up and emancipating yourself.

You didn't mention if you are going to school while living with your dad, or just home for the summer break.

You are going to have some decisions to make regarding finances and autonomy. When I had a couple years of (being away at) college under my belt, I got tired of even the minor restrictions of living at home, and I spent the next two summers living and working in my college town just so I could get a little more space.

If you still need your dad's money (for housing, food, books, etc.) then you will likely have to bow to his wishes while at home with him. If and when you are away at school, you might have a bit more freedom. It seems that you have the option of living with your mom, and you also have the option of living on your own, as I did. Think it through and make a decision about housing and finances that works for you. It would be greatly to your advantage to not have to take out any student loans, so keep that in mind.

Once you are not living with your dad anymore, you will be completely free to tell him what you will or won't do with regard to church.

I'm not convinced you've reached a dead-end with your dad yet. You said, "I don't want to go to church," and he immediately tried to threaten you financially. Parents are used to coercing children. It's what parents do. Parents are responsible for raising kids, which means making kids do things they don't want to do, in their best interest. Such as going to school, brushing their teeth, putting their clothes away, and the list is endless. Your dad includes going to church in that list. He can't threaten to take dessert away from you anymore, so he threatens your college education. He doesn't really want to do that, he's just option-limited when it comes to force.

He hasn't thrown you out, he can't threaten your education, at least this year, so, maybe, don't overreact, yet. Don't go to church, but don't chase a red herring of arguing about how he's got no power over you anyway, financial or otherwise. Try staying in the relationship, but hold your ground. Youth always move their parents into new, modern directions. That's their job. He's got no idea how harmful his religion is to scores of its members. It's harming him right now, but he doesn't know it. It fills him with fear for his daughter if she doesn't march straight along a dead, anachronistic path. He's wrong, but he doesn't know it. You may have to assist him.

Maybe you can make a deal with him until things settle down a bit.

Something like you'll go to sacrament meeting, but nothing else.

Tuition is covered, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. There's housing, food, transportation, (who's name is your car in?) clothing, entertainment, and things like medical and vehicle insurance to consider.

You may have to negotiate for some of that. It sounds like going to some church is the best way to get what you need to get through school.

Try to see it from his point of view. You just dropped a bombshell on him, its going to take some time to sink in. What you told him is different than what he heard. To him, you said, I dont want to be with you in the CK. This is going to be a hard thing for him as it will be like a death for him.

When I came out to my wife, she had to go through the stages of grief. She is now accepting of my choice and realizes that I'm not her responsibility. Now, with this being a parent and a spouse, your dad may feel a bit different.

Let it sink in for a few weeks and then talk to him again, take it slow. If you do decide to attend church, dont take the sacrament, if you are called on to say a prayer, respectively decline. Over time your dad will get more accustomed to what you told him. After a few weeks, maybe bring it up again, have an honest and heart felt talk how you feel. Assure him that you love him and that you are happy that he has found peace in the church. Let him know that you can no longer continue to pretend to live as a member for the sake of making everyone else content and that you need to live your life the way that will bring you peace and happiness.

Ultimately, you know your dad better than anyone else here and you will know how to best approach it. It wont be an easy transition for him and your relationship may be a little rocky for a bit, but in the end living true to who you are is worth it and that I can promise.