Posted by:
Muted
(
)
Date: August 09, 2015 04:24AM
So I was born and raised into the lds church. Ever since I can remember I've gone to church, the activities and I've never been one to object what my parents already assumed of me. I never got along with members, if I did that was a rare occasion. I trusted and bonded more with the non lds community than the lds community. There were things I liked about the 'Gospel' but also there were many things I was conflicted with, like the rules I would follow and the rules I didn't really care for. I was a completely different person at church and in front of my parents than when I was with my nonmember friends and myself. The one thing I learned was how to portray itself as a 'perfect' being, the only reason to why I kept my church persona unflawed was because I liked the feeling when I was being praised or doing right in there eyes. I knew how to use my words to my advantage to hide how I felt inside and the things that I knew they would judge. I felt like I wasn't really being myself and I was holding myself back. When I was younger I acted the way I wanted when I wasn't around any lds influence, I told myself that when I became an adult it would be easy to change. Now that I've turned 18 and I'm starting to become an adult, I don't see any desire to change the person that I am. My senior year of high school, I started to not care for seminary, I even ditched many times my second semester, it was easy to and I didn't really care for it. Throughout my high school career, I've never been too fond of the going on dates with different people, because when I was interested in someone I just wanted to date them and I had a few Mormon boyfriends. I realized while dating the boys I was interested in, they weren't good relationship, they put themselves before me and it was as I didn't matter. I felt like I had to be the perfect Molly Mormon and I learned that Mormon boys just aren't for me. I wanted someone who is open minded and nonjudgmental and I found that very hard to look for among the lds group I didn't really like and yet was forced to grow up with. I didn't want to surround myself with judgmental people, I would hear more gossip coming from young women's than my actual high school. It was ridiculous, they were ridiculous. It just seemed like Mormonism was a puzzle and I was not a puzzle piece to fit it. After graduation, I started 'going' to singles ward and before that I started a relationship with a non lds guy. I only went to singles ward because I was able to convince my friends to only go to sacrament and I would just do whatever I wanted until I had to go home. I was lying to my father but honestly, like couldn't have been better. As weeks passed by, I realized the only thing that was making me unhappy was the fact that I felt like I was still being pressured to be apart of the church even after my graduation. It was emotionally draining and it was slowly making me depressed. I felt so negative because I was conflicted with the perfect self I created and my actual self. I knew that I couldn't take it any longer, so I decided one Saturday night, that I would tell my father the next morning. The next morning came, and I was anxious. I didn't know what to expect, because I had never done anything to go against my fathers wishes before. When I told him I lost interest in it and I didn't want to feel forced to go, he just started giving me a lesson and saying his testimony. He asked what I didn't like about it and I gave him one reason, due to me being uneducated on many things, he then gave me another lesson. I just stayed silent like I usually do, and over a little bit of time he ended up blaming my relationship with a non member for my lost of interest of the church. When I tried to make him realize it only had to do with me, I thought he finally understand. I was drained from the argument and I just wanted alone time. I told my father I was going for a drive to clear my mind and he stopped me and told me no because I was going to church with them. I was shocked. I have never felt so much anger in one moment. After telling him that was the only thing I didn't want him to do to me, he tried to give me another lesson, but I told him to stop and basically told him I didn't want to hear it and I left for my room. He came back to talk to me about my attitude, and told me that since he's paying for my college, I have to go to church. I never would have thought he would hold college over my head. I went to church that day and I have been gone on multiple trips and have reviewed the news that my tuition for the year is paid for fully with scholar ships and grants. I am going to school for free and my father doesn't have to pay a penny. Now that it's fully in force, I am deciding how to bring up the conversation that he can't force me to go to church anymore because he's not paying for my college. Yet I am terrified of what he will hold against me next, I know I can always use the fact that I can just go live with my mom, but I really don't want it to come to that.. I'm new at this, and I know this was a very lengthy story, but I just wanted to give as much background as I could. If you have any advice, please comment back. I feel so alone and I don't know how to get past this. Thank you.