It all started a week ago Friday. My in-laws wanted to take my kids to the movies, which was great. MIL informed us when they got back that she told the kids they could have a sleepover the next weekend(last Saturday.)

So the kids come home from Grandma's house saying really disrespectful things. Mr. Piper and I decided on this basis that they would not be going to Grandma's for sleepovers again, they came home grumpy from no sleep and really treating us poorly.

My FIL usually stops by 4 times a week on his way home from work and brings treats, like 4 packs of fruit snacks each for my kids. I have been in about the last week or so putting my foot down and insisting the snacks are saved until after dinner.

So today when he came, half an hour before dinner, I of course said we have to save them until after dinner. He tells my 3 year old to go get a spoon and hands her a jello cup. Then tells her she has to talk to mom about it. Basically helping her to defy me. I told her if she chooses to eat it, then Grandpa will not be allowed to bring her snacks anymore. She opens it and eats a couple bites(then Karma bites her in the ass and she drops the rest on the floor.)

So Grandpa then turns to my 6 year old. I hear him asking my son if he wants his snack, apparently he didn't. Then a neighbor came over to play so the kids went outside.

My FIL starts telling me how he is really worried about my son, that they "had a long talk" and he needs to have a talk with me and Mr. Piper about how badly we treat my son. We are excellent parents. My children are the light of my life, I sacrifice every day of my existence to make sure that they are parented properly. I don't spoil them and try to teach them responsibility, but they are treated damn good. He is very sensitive, and a complainer at times, so I think that is what FIL is referring to. I was prepping dinner and had my back turned to him. The way it ended was me just saying, "Don't worry, we got it. He is treated just fine." and him leaving.

Now the shit is going to hit the fan. I told Mr. Piper what happened and how upset I am that he dared cross that boundary, and that I don't want him coming over any more. He comes over and makes me have to be the bad guy by saving the treats until after dinner, then tells me I treat my kid bad? Where does this asshole get off???

But you know what? Setting and enforcing boundaries is not easy. This grandpa is having trouble with it. That's **his** problem.

You're so right. You are a wonderful parent. You are caring for the needs of your children, even though it isn't easy with this grandpa who needs to learn lessons as much as the kiddies do.

Hang in there and keep up the good work. It's tough, but that's the price we have to pay when we are parents. Grandparenting is a fun hobbby, but parenting is where the responsibility rests. But you knew that, I'm sure.

for starters. It looks like it would be better for you and your kids to set strict boundaries. If he comes over, meet him at the door and say, "I'm sorry, now's not a good time. Bye."

Just don't let him in. He flouts and undermines your authority. I wouldn't stand for it. I think you're much too polite to them!

+1

I'm sorry this is happening. It isn't easy to tell the spouse's parent to knock it off...one time I told my FIL off and my wife didn't speask to me for almost a week!!

I remember as a child my G-dad (moms dad)would come over once or twice a year. He demanded that we have coffee for him, he would insist on smoking in our house. My mom was a nervous wreck until he would leave and then she'd walk around with a black cloud over her for days afterward.

He'd come to the house and declare that this thing should be that way and that thing should be this way. One time he even decided to paint the hands on moms Christmas clock that dad made for her, just because he didn't like them that way. OMG I thought she was gonna catch on fire!

He had absolutely no boundaries and felt perfectly in the right to tell his daughter what to do even in her own home and in front of her own children. Sadly, he never stopped being like that until he died.

I wish I had any kind of advice to offer, but I guess you already know what to do. Good luck.

No more snacks at all. Period. They're done. Explain to him that he doesn't constantly have to bring treats to win the kids' affection. He already has that. Just bring himself.

As for the complaining, I'd put that back on your son. Tell him that there will be no more sleepovers at grandpa's house until he's a little bit older. Why not? Well because he complained so much that it worried grandpa, so that must mean that he's not yet old enough for a sleepover. You'll know that he might be ready when he starts complaining less at home. My bet is that he's a reasonably clever kid who will figure things out quickly. ;-)

As a teacher, even with young children, I tell them that my classroom isn't the "Complaint Department" and that they'll have to take it elsewhere, lol.

That's my take on it too. It's all grandpa's problem. Control freak?

But to my way of thinking, sometimes the way through is around.

So I would fight the battle on both fronts -- with the son, as suggested above. With grandpa, I would airily dismiss his concerns ("Oh, don't make too much of it. DS is *very* sensitive, and something of a complainer. I'm sure he'll grow out of it") while at the same time denying any more sleepovers for the immediate future. Tell grandpa that you have determined that DS didn't seem to handle the last sleepover too well ("He was sooo whiny!") and that you'll try again in 6-12 months when he's a little bit more mature.

My bet is that they'd *both* get it figured out.

There are few things more aggravating than someone undermining your parenting...

My ex-inlaws (my ex-wife's parents) told me to my face that they blame me for her drinking and driving which killed another motorist. They say it's my fault she started drinking. In-laws can really suck...

They also attempted to undermine my parenting numerous times and do it blatantly...

He shows up at your place FOUR times a week?
Why do you put up with that?

Also, if they are LDS they should know that the morg does not allow sleepovers.

Your in-laws are too involved in your life and it looks like they would like to replace you.

Set boundaries before you wind up in court with them.

That is so wrong. He did his job of parenting so tell him you will do your job of parenting and won't allow any criticism of your style. He must step back and only intervene if there is an emergency situation. He is crossing a huge boundary (what a surprise for a Mormon) and he should be told by the son or daughter he raised that this must never happen again. He can spoil a lot for the future if this keeps up. Be very firm so he knows you are not kidding around.

Grandpa is triangulating your children against you, as you noticed.

I think that the best thing is telling grandpa what is appropriate and what you will allow from him as a visitor to your home. Tell him that he will willingly go along with your rules, or he won't be invited in.

Then follow through on it. I think that a clear indication of what you will stand for is only fair, then stick to it.

He seems to like setting up a triangle where he is cast as the rescuer, you become the prosecutor, and the kids become the victim.

The best way out of the triangle is to just get out of it. You can get out of it by warning him that he can no longer act that way in your home, and he stops. Or you just don't let him in. Either way stops the triangle.

I know this won't help (I agree he's out of line, BTW), but my father could count on one hand how many times he took the trouble to see his three grandsons. Hope this doesn't chap your tookus, but I wish my father would have stopped by with jello.

Just sayin'...

Ron

My inlaws do a lot for my kids. They go way overboard spoiling my kids. I guess that is why we have put up with their bad behavior for so long.

Mr. Piper and I were talking about this the other night after seeing something on TV. My birth father basically abandoned my sister and I, and I was saying that it is almost better that way then I can give him the benefit of the doubt like maybe he was a good guy who just couldn't get it together and fight for us. When your dad is around but treats you like crap your whole life, there is no room for benefit of the doubt.

Did anyone enjoy Grandpa's goodies? I don't think so. The mom had to step in and save them from spoiling their dinner. The kiddies only felt anger and frustration. Grandpa became unreasonable. The whole situation might suggest no more such treats until everyone can adjust to the new and much more reasonable rules/boundaries.

1. No sweets except with parent permission.

2. No unasked for advice on parenting and no countermading parent rules.

Afterall, treats are extra. It isn't like these kids are being deprived. I agree that grandparents should only step in if a child is at risk of being hurt or deprived.

This grandpa is way out of line and much to pushy. It isn't helping anyone but him to bring bribes to buy love.

At this point I am waiting for Mr. Piper to handle it like he said he would. Mr. Piper and his dad have a long history of this kind of toxicity. Mr. Piper just sucks it up and swallows it down, and I try to let him handle it his way. So I know it is going to be extremely difficult to stand up to his dad. But at this point I am done with the man.

When my kids become a part of this ugly cycle, that is when it becomes MY business. I just couldn't believe some of the things he was saying. He said he had a very long talk with my son over the weekend, and he is worried my son is not being treated right. He said he asked my son if he felt like he could never do anything right, and my son said yes. Well duh, grandpa, you put it in his head. Then he said that it's like we were coaching him in how he answered grandpa's questions. This is so ridiculous I don't even know where to start. Like we anticipated what questions he could have been asked and trained him like an animal??

I don't know why I couldn't just yell in his face and kick him out of the house. God knows he deserved it. My son has a friend coming over this afternoon to do homework together, I think I am going to hurry them through and take them to the park so we won't be there when he comes over so we don't have to see him until Mr. Piper has a chance to handle the situation. My FIL is not Mormon, Catholic. My TBM parents would not dream of crossing our boundaries like this, I laid the law down a long time ago.

That guy is a crackpot! You're exactly right in observing that FIL planted an unhealthy idea in your son and expected the little boy to affirm it.

Good luck. I'm so sorry you and the kiddies have this going on.

I'm glad your parents are not like this. Whew!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/23/2011 06:09PM by Cheryl.