I was looking forward for months for the release of the colorful high tech science fiction action thriller, "Jupiter Ascending." This film features the saucer eyed Mila Kunis as the Russian immigrant who was born with the fortuitous gene sequence that made her the genetic clone of the murdered former owner of planet Earth. As such, Jupiter is entitled to lay claim upon Earth's assets which includes the entire human population.

So Jupiter is swept away from her earthly job of scrubbing the toilets of her wealthy employers to jaunt around our solar system and fall helplessly from several buildings only to be rescued every time by her half dog/half winged giant raptor/half human (wait...???) savior, Caine Wise. (Get it? Caine? As in canine? You know..Caine Wise,
as in...S M A R T D O G......Yeah, okay, we all 'get it')

At this point I'm beginning to wonder if the Wachowskis have some Mormon influence in their thinking, but then I figure the Mormons hold no exclusive franchise on being f'ed up.

So without going into a lot of plot spoilers for those who haven't seen it, in the end even though our Jupiter is the legal owner of planet earth and all its assets, our heroine (?) ends up back in Chicago with a toilet brush in her latex gloved hands happily scrubbing the effluence off the porcelain of her employers potty waiting for her shift to end so she can spend some free time cavorting with her new winged boyfriend.

I shared all this with a friend who said, "Well then, you KNOW the writer isn't Mormon because Jupiter would have returned to Earth and PAID money to scrub someone else's toilet."

When he's right, he's right.

It will probably be the most disappointing movie of the year. I can't say I was heartbroken, but I was looking forward to it. I spent 20 bucks on a movie ticket and a burger with a soda, sat down, and then watched this attempt at a movie.

It was too loud. It was trying so hard to be like every other scifi movie that it had no unique voice of its own. Not only that––its attempt at a plot was awful. Who wrote this? They introduced so many characters and settings in scene after scene and never reincorporated one of these characters into a later story. I felt like a was watching a convolution of different movie takes that happened to have a few of the same actors in them sometimes.

Characters' names were imminently forgettable. Not one character's motivations were clearly defined. Elaborate tangents were undertaken just to tell stupid jokes like the capital planet bureaucracy to set up a DMV pun. Just in case you didn't get it, Mila gives it to you on a silver platter, "I'm never complaining about the DMV again."

Her father's character is set up in the first five minutes only to be blown away by a group of thugs that bust into their living room––that's never explained. Bees recognize royalty? Everyone splices their DNA with animals? Mila becomes empress of the universe––or just earth?––so she can go back to scrubbing toilets but smile when she glances at her royal tattoo?

This movie was so stupid!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/27/2015 01:22AM by Cold-Dodger.

All I could think about was "Shut up, Meg."

Cake

I will wait for it hit my satellite movie channels, and I'll record it and FF through it...like I do with most movies. Ain't a movie out there I'd pay $20 to watch. Just sayin'...

Ron Burr

Just saying.

Oh yeah, before I hit "Post" I THINK he said, "Bees recognize ROYALTY." But you're right. With all the background hubris and the buzzing, it's hard to be sure.

In fact, the house filled with bees was one of the movie elements that made me think there was a strong Mormon influence at some point of the movie's writing. Well, that and the movie beginning and ending with a toilet brush in the hand of the lead female.

Okay. So the bees recognize royalty, and seemed to really be in sync with the thoughts and moods of Empress Jupiter. Besides honey, what do bees make? They make ROYAL JELLY, of course. Royal jelly has been recognized for thousands of years for its health giving and youthful reinvigorating properties. When the Corporation harvests a planet and grinds up the populations to a pulp, the resulting essence is used as an ingredient to create a fountain of youth goo the decadent ruling family has used for hundreds of thousands of years to unnaturally prolong their lives and youthful appearance.

NOW I get it. We humans are their ROYAL JELLY. Gawd, I can be slow sometimes. We bee.

Soylent Green is people!? That's the big reveal?

It turned into Spaceballs.

My TBM dad and I saw it. It was so confusing!! Even me a avid moviegoer couldn't make out the plot or who was who!! A complete mess!! On the bright side, at least Sean Bean didn't die!!

how many different ways can we kill off Sean Bean's characters? This was a potential avenue they wasted.

Thanks for the reviews and saving me the time and $$$ this weekend.

I went to see it late last night. I had low expectations, and frankly I quite enjoyed it. True, there were plenty of things they could've done better... it was by no means a great film... But I found it to be enjoyable enough.

No matter what outrageous thing was said or done in front of our heroine she maintained such a tranq'ed way about her and flatly recitied her lines that I'll pass on anything else starring her.....ever.