Posted by:
elderolddog
(
)
Date: March 24, 2015 01:39AM
Maybe it's all hormones, neurons, receptors and pipe dreams?
I've always wanted to be in love. My parents moved to Las Vegas when I was eight. I remember my new bedroom, how big it was compared to my former bedroom. And I remember being afraid, in the middle of the night, of monsters under the bed. And cowering under the blankets, hoping that my belief that if the monsters couldn't see me, they'd leave me alone, was true.
And I vividly recall, ages 8, 9 and 10, to having the same sort of day dream as I was falling asleep. And in the morning, too. I'd lay there and let the day dream run it's course.
I'd be walking with a girl... I think she was a girl I'd known in third grade. No name comes to mind now and it's been so long that I can't remember what she looked like.
The crux of the dream was that we would fall into a long shaft, and as we were falling, out of sight of each other, my clothes would come off and I'd be left wearing bathing trunks. When I splashed into a pool of water, she'd already be in a row boat and I'd climb in and find that she was in a bathing suit.
There was absolutely no sex involved; I didn't even know what sex was. I also didn't know what masturbation was, but like most boys, as I'm given to understand, I appreciated my penis. The rest of the dream would play out with us being on a river and watching the country side pass by. We'd be sitting side by side... The attraction of the dream was being with a girl my age, very close to her and intimate, but we'd just be passing the time.
Being an only child might have been an influence.
But it's definite that for as long as I can remember, I wanted a girl to sit beside me as we floated down the river of life. Later when I found out about sex, that just made the trip all the more exciting, but it was the companionship I wanted, more than I wanted the sex.
In the movie The Butcher's Wife, the hippy/spiritualist/covenish wife opines at one point that she misread the 'signs' and married the wrong man, and that Jeff Daniels was the right man, and that he was her "split apart." Meaning they'd been fused together before this life, and birth had split them apart and they were looking for each other.
Having dropped both the notion of both pre & post lives, I could not grasp that as a reliable concept, but it sure was tempting.
I shan't burden you with my travails (most of which were of my doing), but I shall tell you that I found true love. I wanted it, I believed in it and I've found it. We definitely are not 'split aparts' but we now share the same goal, to nurture what we've planted and seen sprout. We're doing a good job (I supply all the fertilizer) and it continues to grow.
And yes, I can agree with cynics that it may all be delusional, but if the two of us believe it, and live it, who the hell cares what the cynics think? We're both rock solid atheists, but apparently atheists can have faith and believe in something that is based solely on faith.
I love you, baby!