My boyfriend is wonderful to me, but sometimes he also flirts, often without even knowing. I really love him and want to stay with him, and I'm not sure if it's just my own insecurity.

One major instance I can use to illustrate the point: We went to a work event of his (I work at the same professional theatre but not in the same department, so he knew more of the people, and he's much more extroverted than I am so I felt nervous in general) and he had worked on a show with two of the women there that he knew. After the event we were at a cocktail party of sorts (still at the venue) and he told one of them, who is an actress and just got her graduate degree in acting, that she couldn't play the 'ingenue' in future roles, but she could play the sidekick who's actually secretly 'the hot one' that everyone is really into. She giggled and looked flattered. He then talked to another woman and bantered back and forth with her, who he's told me before that he's attracted to, and ignored me while he did it and didn't mention me to her, and then turned to me and told me an anecdote in which he told me she's 'really pretty' and 'the most innocent little thing.'

What irritated me about this was that he also, in both of these instances, didn't mention me or act like I was by his side, and focused entirely on the woman in front of him. I know they're not crushing examples, but it still made me feel embarrassed and like I was just the sidekick to his flirting. I love him and want to be with him and I want to feel secure. I don't know whether I should let it go--when I've tried to talk to him about this before, it's usually ended in a fight, and he's said that he doesn't think it's flirting--or bring it up with him, or if I even have a right to be upset. I know I can be sensitive and I'm very introverted and reserved, so I don't talk to people this way, and I certainly wouldn't in front of him--I tend to take a backseat to him in public situations. Maybe it's just my own insecurity. I'd just like another perspective on this.

My ex wife told me,, " I don't care where you get your appetite.. Just be home at mealtime'. It worked for me.

Has he told you he loves you?

To your knowledge, has he told other people he loves you?

Has he said, in front of other people, "I love you!", or "I love this girl!"?

If you can yes to the first question, maybe you've got a chance.

If you can say yes to either of the other two, you've really got a shot.

If it's no to the last two....

If it's no also the first one...

You didn't give your age. It he is under 25, and it as 'no' to all three, you may just be a practice girl friend. Doesn't mean
you can't be "The One" for him, but it doesn't look good.

What are his future plans? Has he told you where he wants to be in a year? Were you included in any such plans?

Remember one of life's greatest verities: Men are pigs.

You are feeling insecure for a reason. This is a crushing example of how incredibly rude he is to you! You have asked him not to treat you this way, but instead of respecting your very reasonable request, he fights with you about it. If he truly loves you, he will respect you and not flirt with other women at all! To especially flirt with other girls while you are present is degrading you publicly. He is being a complete ass.

Elderolddog - Pigginess is not exclusive to either sex.

Original poster - Respectfully let your boyfriend know how his words and actions made you feel, then let us know how he responded. We'll go from there.

Best,

Dr. Love

A good formula for discussing issues (taught to me by a counselor,) is, "I feel [insert feeling] when you [his action.] I want you to [change that you want to see.]

For example: I feel hurt and marginalized when you flirt with other women while treating me like I'm not even there. If I am standing right next to you I want you to introduce me to friends of yours that I don't know. And I want you to stop acting like a single guy when you are a part of a couple."

I agree with Elder Olddog......

Its not a good sign if he flirts and pays no attention to

you while he's doing it.... and no, men always know when

they are flirting and he should know that it hurts you.

If after you've told him it hurts you and he makes excuses

or whatever and still does it. Leave him.

Some one who loves you cares about your feelings, they don't

ignore what you say and continue the behaviour that hurts you.

I concur with the other esteemed posters.

Flirting is fine within limits. But when you are standing there and he ignores you, and you feel left out. That is the real concern.

If he must flirt because it is his extroverted nature, He should be flirting with you if he is flirting with them. Then everyone is having fun.

You know something, compared to me, your boy friend is a mere amateur at flirting! (Actually, I am not sure if that's a good thing or not!)

However, I would never, EVER disrespect my woman like he disrespected YOU! No way!

He needs a "come to Jesus" moment. Soon.

Mind you, you are his girl friend, right? So he has absolutely exquisite tastes in women, obviously. ;o))

see? I just flirted, again! Can't help it!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/24/2015 09:13PM by matt.

It doesn't matter if he is flirting or not. He makes you feel insecure, which is a legitimate emotion. If his actions make you feel insecure, and he won't adjust his behavior, then he is not a good match for you period. You will know you are with the right guy when he never makes you feel bad (or if he does accidentally, he corrects his behavior after you point out how it makes you feel). Don't settle for anything less than a guy who makes you feel great b

Do you live together? If so, move out, now. If he behaves like that in front of you, he is shameless when you aren't present. Plus, he's an oaf not to introduce you to strangers, common courtesy in any situation.

He has dismissed your requests in the past to respect your feelings/your relationship, resulting with him taking no responsibility for his behavior. This will never change.

If a man wants to marry you, he will move heaven and earth to make it so, as soon as it is feasible. He will worry that someone else might come along. (Guys, you know what I mean.)

Unless you're both older and you're not interested in marriage... (some couples prefer to have separate finances/pensions...)

You deserve better. Do not settle for "he's better than no boyfriend." As long as you're with him, you are not free if someone does come along who is better suited for you.

R-E-S-P-E-C-T sing it, Aretha!

Hi anonforthisq - I had another thought about your relationship.

You started out this post with, "My boyfriend is wonderful to me" - please give us some examples of your boyfriend's most "wonderful" behaviour.

It is often helpful to make a list of the "wonderful" behaviour of a significant other in order to compare the quality of the good aspects of their personality with the behaviour that is hurtful. Sometimes hurtful behaviour is an anomaly if relationship interactions are usually kind and thoughtful. Sometimes, it becomes apparent that "wonderful" behavior isn't as meaningful as it should be.

It is an exercise in honestly assessing the relationship.

I used to get terribly upset with my husband when we would run into somebody (male OR female) that he knew from work or someplace else, chat away with them like they were long-lost friends, and act like I wasn't there. Never mind an introduction. I felt snubbed and insulted.

After several rounds of this, I finally asked him, through my teeth, "WHY can't you ever be bothered to introduce me to anybody? We're ENGAGED (or married), for crying out loud!"

He turned eggplant-purple and said, obviously embarrassed half to death, "I couldn't remember that person's name, so there wasn't any way to introduce you." Over the years, I have come to realize that he IS horrible at remembering names, so this no longer bothers me.

My thoughts: Feel free to look at the menu even if you are on a diet.

Just because he is your boyfriend, does not mean he has stopped being human. Him complimenting another woman in your presence does not mean he is a loser.

Feeling secure in this relationship is YOUR responsibility too!

You mentioned you tried talking to him about it, but it ends in fights. It depends on how you approached him. Did you handle it maturely or with neediness? Can he handle ANY kind of criticism?

Define what makes your boyfriend "wonderful" but if he has behaviors that make you feel "less than" on a regular basis and dismisses your thoughts and feelings, then its time to reevaluate if he is part of your future picture.

RMM

I agree--I don't think finding other women attractive, or, say, complimenting them casually, is a dealbreaker at all. It's the combination of a) him going out of his way--i.e., the conversation wasn't about what they looked like at all and he turned it into that and also called them hot/sexy--it wasn't just an offhand "you look great!" at a nice event or something; and b) he knows it makes me uncomfortable, especially since I'm already pretty shy in public--so when he does this back and forth with more outgoing women and chooses to ignore me and not even acknowledge to them that I'm there next to him, it just feels like I become a wallflower and like going out of his way to get the attention from them is more important than being there with me.

If you feel ignored or disrespected, that's a problem.

The fact that he won't acknowledge it, and that bringing it up causes a fight speaks volumes.

One of the worst things you can do is dismiss your own feelings as wrong or irrelevant. The fact that HE is willing to dismiss your feelings would be a relationship breaker to me. How you feel should be more important to him than flirting with other women who he supposedly doesn't care about as much as you.

There might be some women out there that wouldn't be bothered by his behavior (and I suspect that they might be in denial). But you aren't one of them. It doesn't matter if it's 'innocent' flirtation or not. It makes you feel crappy. And you can try to dismiss it, or ignore it, but it will still make you feel crappy. So instead of trying to change him, you find someone who doesn't make you feel crappy.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 03/25/2015 10:56AM by imaworkinonit.