Posted by:
Anon1Time
(
)
Date: April 27, 2015 12:03PM
(LONG)
My disfellowshipment story starts with a confession to the bishop. I kind of figured I would get disfellowshipped or even ex'd, but I wasn't expecting it to be such a shaming experience. I was very naive about what was going to happen.
In the bishop's office, the conversation started with an atmosphere of loving support. He had a sh!tty grin on his face and told some stories that encouraged just getting everything out. My confession included talking about years of porn and masturbation (although previously confessed to other bishops many times), a couple of visits to strip clubs and a non-sexual emotional affair that had gone on for several months and which I thought was likely going to end my marriage.
The second I had finished spilling all the beans, his face immediately changed to a stern look. I realized he was being kind at first only to extract the most information and I felt duped (but somehow stupidly remained compliant/submissive). He now moved into reproof mode and scolded me for treating my wife this way for so many years. He explained that this would have to go before the stake president, since I was a priesthood holder.
The stake president met with me and I had to repeat the story, then endure lots of probing about what exactly I had done. I don't think he or the bishop believed that I hadn't had sex with anyone. The stake president didn't lecture me, but did offer a couple of hope-filled scriptures. Then explained we would have to go ahead with the court of love, which involved the stake high council.
I had a friend in the ward who was on the high council and when he found out I would be appearing at a court of love, he immediately dropped the friendship, and that turned out to be permanent. It caught me off guard because I expected a loving response to a "sinner" who was earnestly trying to repent. I felt humiliated, but worse was to come.
On the morning of my court appearance, I was told to come in the back door to the high council meeting room area. It's probably meant to help protect people's privacy, but I found it demeaning. I knew my friend was on the high council and expected him to be there (he never before or after spoke one word about it to me), but I wasn't expecting others I knew. On the stake high council were several people I worked with because this happened in a smallish town and there was one main employer. Others were parents of my children's friends.
I was called in and the stake prez asked me to tell everything again to the whole group. With the stake presidency, stake clerk and high council there were at least 16 men in the room and I think a couple of extras for some reason. Going through my personal, private details in front of a group of people that size was devastating. At the end of my full confession I said I wanted to apologize to the church for misrepresenting it and the priesthood by my actions. When I was done they said they needed to deliberate. While they deliberated they required me to sit in a separate room with the stake executive secretary there with me. He was basically standing guard and I felt like a criminal. He was also another person I worked with and I cannot overstate how awkward I felt and just trapped there.
Eventually, I was ushered back into the meeting room, was told I would be disfellowshipped, which came as a relief and they seemed pleased that I had feared excommunication. Then the stake prez had everyone in the room make a comment on my situation, each offering a bit of "inspired" advice. These amounted mostly to trite mormon cliches, like date your wife once a week. There was no sign of understanding my situation and that is part of what made it so shaming. No one tried to understand *me* or why these things had happened. No one wanted to hear how I had really given my whole heart to the church and Jesus despite falling short over and over again. No one seemed to acknowledge or empathize with how devastating it felt to fail like that when it came to the things in my life that mattered the most, my church and family. Another thing that bothered me is that no one expressed any tiny bit of weakness in themselves. It was as if they were all spotless representatives of god here to mete out his will. The self-righteousness was sickening.
Finally, I was told I could leave and everyone in the room stood as I exited. This was likely supposed to be a sign of respect, but I took it to be another sign that they were good and righteous and I was lowly, that I was supposed to feel privileged to still be counted among them, and that they were so merciful in taking pity on me. It was so humiliating that I burst into uncontrollable sobs in front of everyone. I slipped out back door again and into my car where I cried for a long time. It wasn't the cry of relief from having unburdened my guilt, it was the cry of having been publicly shamed and humiliated.
After that, most of the high councilors rarely looked me in the eyes. One of them tried to do some friendly things, but it wasn't in the way where "we are equals and you are my true friend" but in the "I take pity on you and will do you a favor out of my righteous kindness". Anyone who has experienced this knows what I'm talking about. Remember, these were people I was seeing regularly in the workplace and who had influence over my career.
Obviously, during the period of disfellowshipment, the shaming continues. Basically everyone finds out when you can't take the sacrament, can't hold callings, can't pray in class, etc. People withdraw.
I took it all, because I figured this is what god wants from me. He knows best and this is what he wants me to experience to get back to him. And I was willing to do anything. I never did get re-fellowshipped, or whatever you call it. I never stopped masturbating and the stake prez said that was a requirement. I promised myself I wouldn't lie to save face in the community because I knew that god wanted me to be honest. Then I started noticing how no one else was being honest in the same way. People who hadn't gone through the punishment system just didn't have to put themselves out there at all. They could go around acting righteous and pure without any mention of the slightest sin. I hated that difference, but I told myself it was my fault for creating the situation with my own choices.
The disfellowshipment went on for years. Sometimes in the middle of church I would get shame attacks, where I just felt completely worthless and that everyone was judging me. These were debilitating and excruciating and I would have to leave the service.
Looking back, I'm sad that I didn't have enough self-respect to call bullsh!t at any point. It's sad that there was no one in my life to protect me from all of that and set me on a healthier path.