Posted by:
came2mysenses
(
)
Date: May 19, 2015 11:23PM
Human,
I spent Sunday witnessing the spirit give my sister yet another blessing :/
This is your wife. My sister got engaged yesterday and for the first time since we left the church 15 years ago my mind is in turmoil about if leaving was the right thing... My whole litre I doubted the church on some level, and now I am doubting my doubt... Sure I have had the briefest moments when questions came to mind, but as you know when I left, I left it all behind, and didn't ever look back. SO I am sure you can understand how F#CKED up I am today as nothing has rocked my mind regarding the church like it has in the last 24 hours.
So in respectfully keeping distance I chose to spend the whole day here today reading your posts from all years back... hoping that in needing, or perhaps wanting, your guidance once again to help set me free of the brainwashing that is attacking my whole sense of being, I would find something...
This one I am replying to, with you and your 'beauty, playing rock paper scissors', almost killed me to read, (rock paper scissors was ours, or so I thought) but it was the first read of the day and for the betterment of my sanity, I chose to ignore it and continue reading on regardless, trying to prove to myself through your words that indeed, we were right to leave...
I am plagued with thoughts and ideas that I believed long gone and healed. What is it you used to call them AWE YES... 'TAPES' messages that swirl around and around again with years of more altered messages attached to them each one triggering yet again a more deeply and more disturbing message from the last...
And so brings me to our marriage and the new 'new age' belief system of the 'soul half' which helped free me of the church in the first place... I'm re-reading 'the bridge across forever'.
Human, (omg LOL I typed your name and then had to correct it) how is it that the first years of my life where a lie in the church, one in which you supposedly saved me from, hence only to have the years with you also be a lie? How is this possible or fair? The last 3 years I have fought with this question, only for it yesterday to be answered with...
"well if only I had stayed in the church"
DAMN HAS THIS THOUGHT BLEWN MY MIND TODAY!!!
Your choice to be where you are the last 3 years instead of with us me and our children has shaken me to the core of my being, taken me to hell and back again, and to places that make hell seem pleasant, but something in me has kept me from ever falling back to the church... From ever saying, or doubting my choice and my decision to remove us all from it, even when you thought it best we "stay just to keep peace" I thought I knew better, I thought I knew we needed to leave, we needed to raise our children free of the cult! I thought I needed peace of mind to finally get a chance to think on my own to become human and not a mindless mormon drone.
But what if I was wrong to have us leave the church? What if the church would have saved us, as it saves so many??? What of love, and community and family... AWE yes FAMILY!!! As a little girl I longed and wanted for nothing more... Alone in mine, as the naughty little girl with thoughts from satan as I questioned the fold... But now I am even further from having family then ever...
Having lost the TBM one cause of your taking me from it and ours, after your having abandoning me and our children.
I just deleted 5 paragraphs, not fair to post publicly. However, I can't help but re-write about the post in which you share about my mother and telling her not to leave the church as to save the finally years of her life in peace. Just days ago, I shared with our son - he can not talk to his cousin about the errors of the church if he can not support her in the fragmenting of her mind and being, as she would dissolve and be cast away from the family, judged and left alone to suffer broken not knowing up from down - he conceded to keep his thoughts to himself as to save her from herself, understanding he didn't have the strength nor the wisdom, power or knowledge to actually save her from the cult. As possibly you do... You are good with words...
Yet didn't you do just this.. what I told him he isn't allowed to do... You pulled me away from my family, church and community, crushing the only belief system I knew. Just as you state you did on here over and over, only taking 3 years to dissolve my mind of it's TBM thinking, only to what? Just be another lie too... To walk away when it got hard... You have post after post... Thousands actually over the years... To help people with leaving the church, to offer support... Yet I, your wife struggle... after all the pain you have created for us all...
It is baffling actually how - still involved you are with the mormon/exmormon thing, when you were a convert only being mormon 2 years, sure you grow up with it beside you too, but you certainly were never a TBM.
Here I am you wife of 23 plus years, struggling with my mind racked with mormon guilt and $hit that should be gone, and you aren't here to support or help ME clear my mind and be safe out of the church... What of all these morals, ethics and belief's you claim to have... Years of posts... YEARS of words... I came on here to find your logic helpful and it has done the opposite causing me further to think I must return!!!
IS EVERYTHING THAT COMES FROM YOU A LIE???
What was it that FIRST made me question the church as a child...
I know you know... the hypocrisy of my father...
And now the hypocrisy of my husband has me question if leaving the church was wrong... thousands of posts to help and support people in their leaving and getting free... Only to be trapped yourself behind a computer screen away from us, your only family, claiming to have wisdom which you don't live by yourself! Your wife and children suffer as you live a cushy, rich life with a mistress... professing the "gospel of HUMAN according to you"
How is this possible, maybe the church isn't perfect, but maybe...
Maybe I should just stop writing, cause I doubt you care enough about any of this, least of all about me, even thou on here you have never stopped called me wife... I guess we are still married thou aren't we... All you will care about is that I wrote on a public forum, not what caused me to do so... So, please do as you will and call me crazy... call me sick and twisted as you did for years...
Just don't call you late for dinner with your mistress, or an "honest human"...
What will I do this coming sunday... sit alone (as always) in church for the first time in my adult life wondering if the teaching of my childhood, might actually have been right???