I have a problem with getting a feeling of suffocation in relationships. I'm in a new relationship that is very good and I really like the guy I'm seeing. However, that old feeling I have always had in past relationships is sneaking up on me. I'm a very independent person and don't always see out the the longevity of relationships I'm in because I start to feel suffocated? Do any of you relate?

If I start to feel that way its because I am being suffocated

in the relationship and I don't care for the person as much as

he cared for me so I break it off. I hate that feeling.

I'm in the perfect relationship now. I love it.

Yay! Congrats!

Thank you !!!!!!!

Yes. That used to happen to me very easily.

I'm at least part introvert, and fairly independent. I HAVE to have alone time to recharge. Anybody guy couldn't give me that sent me running. I also didn't like to feel NEEDED. I didn't want someone to be dependent on me.

One of the reasons my husband and I get along well is that he's also pretty independent, and he needs his quite recharge time, too.

The fact that you don't like to be swallowed up into an all-consuming relationship doesn't mean there is something wrong with you. You just need to find the right person who will give you the space you need. I think it's healthy to be comfortable alone, and not need to be with your partner constantly.

On the other hand, if you are afraid of relationships, there might be something else at play. And to be honest, I think there were things about my home life that made me scared to lose myself in a relationship.

As a combat veteran,divorcee and a medical doctor. My chances of sustaining a long term relationship are practically zero.

Feeling suffocated in relationships - all the time.

10/10 ex-girlfriends will tell I shouldn't do relationships.

I have PTSD, and wonder if the combat veteran might have it also. I feel more than suffocated--I feel threatened. For years, I couldn't be alone in a car with a man (a date), without feeling extremely uneasy. I couldn't imagine trusting anyone alone with me in my house. Even after years of therapy, those feelings still linger, but I'm much happier, without constant Mormon pressure to marry! I love being single! I already have lovely children, and a home that I earned on my own, that no one can take away from me, with a door that bolts and locks.

Looking back, now that I'm away from Mormons and their cult--I was probably right about the men I dated. They probably were all lying to me! Lying about their testimony, lying that they believed women are equal, lying that they weren't after my money. I've had time to observe how these men have turned out.

I have loved several men since--all not Mormons--a Lutheran, two atheists, and a Jewish man. I still love them.

Maybe your problem is that your relationships are with Mormons! Anyone would feel suffocated.

BTW--don't let anyone talk you into putting them through school.

I'm concerned that I make others feel suffocated.

Is it my Mormon upbringing? Am I starved for attention? I feel needy and I don't know how to change it. BF gets frustrated sometimes because I get sad if I don't hear from him every hour (I know this is bad; I already beat myself up about it, please don't beat me up).

Does anyone have good advice for changing? Just understanding in my mind that it's unhealthy doesn't seem to help me change. I don't want to suffocate. I just don't know how to breathe, myself. I want to be okay being alone.

You should read up on 'attachment theory': http://psychology.about.com/od/loveandattraction/a/attachment01.htm

Specifically, you should look into the 'Anxious-Preoccupied' attachment style: "Anxious-preoccupied adults seek high levels of intimacy, approval and responsiveness from partners, becoming overly dependent. They tend to be less trusting, have less positive views about themselves and their partners, and may exhibit high levels of emotional expressiveness, worry and impulsiveness in their relationships."

I have read that if you have this attachment style, it is helpful to discuss it with your partner so that they have an understanding of where it comes from and perhaps the why. Also, you may be able to reach some compromises of what you both think is reasonable as far as him 'checking in' with you that would allow you to feel more at ease, and allow him to feel less smothered.

Hope this helps!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/21/2015 12:38AM by dogeatdog.

Thanks a lot! Yeah, that sounds exactly like me.

I think he knows where I'm coming from, and for the most part shows a lot of patience with me. I'm trying to focus on living more independently, and on good days it works - he actually checks in with me more when I'm not barraging him all the time, which makes me feel happy and appreciated. It's the bad days on which I feel completely alone (I live in a time zone opposite friends and family) that my "reaching out" for comfort ends up rubbing him the wrong way and I feel bad about myself.

I am just the opposite when it comes to a relationship with a significant other. I am, and have been told I am a true romantic. I loved the feeling of being close and sharing time with my wife; gardening, cooking, shopping, sporting events, going out to dinner, movies, cuddling on the couch, snuggling in bed, showering together, etc.
There wasn't much we didn't do apart, we were a team, she was my partner, lover, and best friend until the church's tentacles reached in and infected our marriage convincing her it was more of a priority than what we once had together.

Don't know how I could sustaiin a romantic relationship of giving one their space and time to do their own thing, knowing they would prefer to spend time alone rather than sharing it together.
Sounds like a relationship more with a roommate than a significant other. But that's just me.

I must be one of the "smotherers".



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/21/2015 12:07AM by superman4691.

When The Best Man Ever™ and I were in that dating/getting to know you stage in our relationship, the fact that I did NOT feel smothered was, for me, one more bit of possible evidence that he just might be "The One" for the long haul! Another was that I was as comfortable in his company as I was when I was alone... I felt like I could be myself, and not get caught up in that mindset where you try too hard to be what you *think* they want you to be.

Twenty-eight years later, here we are.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/21/2015 02:09AM by Doxi.