She really has people fooled that she is this open minded, good person, & a martyr. She is not! She is an abusive, passive-aggressive fake! All she does is undermine people so they will fail. She doesn't support them. Everything she does is to make herself look like an innocent martyr. I hate her, & I will never forgive her for all the continued abuse & misery she spreads.
Elder Berry Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > Tristan Wrote: > -------------------------------------------------- > ----- > > I'm in the middle of ending my familial > > relationships. > > Good luck. I ended them years ago and breath much > freer.
Yup, just because they are / were family does not mean that they have to be tolerated. My smart ass super devout MORmON male parent used to challenge me to cut off ties with him, AS IF he was indispensable in my life. I finally got fed up enough with him and his POS MORmON cult religion that I did. After I had NOT spoken to him for 3 years he started to get the message that I was serious about the deal. When I failed to show up for his 50th wedding ann. it further reinforced the point. He died about two months after that. He has been dead for 8 years. His death has ONLY been a relief to me. I have NEVER missed him at all. The only thing that I would ever have to say to him again is telling him how stupid, vile, disgusting and EVIL that his MORmON religion is. Those stupid secret MORmON handshakes are not nearly as powerful at sealing families together as stupid ass MORmONS think. Sometimes MORmON family is not worth having.
My mother was physically abusive to me until I got big enough to fight back, and she remained verbally and emotionally abusive until she died.
She died in 1992, and I still find myself thinking of the mean and spiteful things she did fairly often. She set me up emotionally to fall into a similar relationship in my first marriage.
I didn't start to really grow up, emotionally, until sometime in my forties.
I've tried hard to be the kind of mother that she wasn't, and I think I have succeeded.
You need a break from her, Tristan -- a nice, long break.
Your mom was raised in such a way that she was never allowed to reach her full potential. So in a way, she is just passing that message along -- to be successful is to tempt fate. I've seen that type of behavior before. You see it in people who have been repeatedly beaten down. You just have to ignore it and press on.
summer Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > You need a break from her, Tristan -- a nice, long > break.
Yah, and nothing invokes the satisfying sensation of long term like the essence of permanent. After all, it's MORmONS that are obsessed with and love to throw around the concept of "eternal".
I know how hard it is and I know how much it hurts and how much courage it takes to find a way out...let alone take that out. I feel you and validate you.
Good for you for identifying it and hating it. It deserves to be hated. It's horrible behavior.
There are SO MANY people in the world with emotional/mental problems of various types, and SO MANY many of them go completely untreated, either because they don't realize they have a problem, or because there's too much stigma attached to getting treatment. Your mom is suffering from something, I don't know what, but there is something wrong and those around her are suffering as a result.
But I'd say you ought to get away from the abuse and seek counseling, and try to sort things out so you can stop feeling hatred. That's when you'll truly be free. I believe that the trauma you have experienced can continue to affect you and those YOU care about, if you don't get a handle on it.
I wish you the best, and that you'll find what you need to be happy again. As part of the process, I'm sure it's important to recognize and explore the feelings that you are experiencing now, so it's not a bad thing to have them. I guess the goal might be to learn to overcome the ones that bring you down.
donbagley Wrote: ------------------------------------------------------- > I used to think of my mother as a victim, and > that's what she wanted. Poor Mom, so sick that she > had to vomit abuse all over me. What a mess.
I used to think of my father as a victim, and that's what he wanted. Poor Dad, so sick that he had to vomit abuse all over me. What a mess.
He was the good cop who was also is the biggest supporter of my mother and her abuses towards himself as well.
My adopted sisters he molested thought they were telling on my mother about her emotional and verbal abuse when the talked of their experiences with their adopted parents to their high school counselor. They sent my father to jail. What a guy. Good cop my ass.
Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/25/2015 07:39PM by Elder Berry.
Tristan, your feelings are valid. Society teaches us to love and respect mothers just because they are mothers. Hogwash! They have to earn it like everyone else. If yours is harming you it's just logical to have the feelings you have. It's important to take care of yourself. Get as much distance from her as you can.
My sister once told her therapist that I didn't have the same issues with our toxic family members as she had. He pointed out to her that I've lived hundreds of miles from them for over 30 years. I knew what I was doing getting away and it made all the difference.
Do what you have to do to save yourself. It makes life so much more pleasant.
I'm just a regular person, no psych background, but it seems to me that you have to experience and understand your feelings and accept that you have a right to them before you can hope to "let them go." It is great that you have a therapist to help you do this. Then, if possible, leave this toxic person behind. There may be reasons your mom is the way she is, but unless she works at healing herself, she can't help but hurt you. You have to disengage to save yourself. If you can get to the point where you can disengage, including letting the hate fade away, she will lose all power over you.
Good for you for seeing her for what she is. The hardest time in my life was realizing that my parents really didn't love me. Let yourself vent whenever you need to. Let yourself grieve for the relationship you wish you had. Forgive only when/if you are ready to and do it for yourself.
And then, go out there and make yours the best life on the planet. The best revenge is a life well-lived.
I'm not doing well tonight. My TBM mother was just on the phone with one of my TBM cousins. She completely made me look bad, telling him things that aren't even fucking true. Of course, she thinks she was making me look good because in her mind I'm a mentally ill fucked up loser. She just should have said I was OK, & nothing else.
I hate her, & I hate that I have to fucking interact with her.
& they talked about things that I hasn't wanted people to know, unless I told them myself. & I hadn't wanted anyone in the "so-called" family to know. It's none of their fucking business. I have no sort of autonomy over my life. These fucking people have no boundaries. They think everything is their business, especially if you are "related" to them.
I had a health crisis this year, & she went & fucking told everyone.
Everything that happens to me, she thinks it's happening to her too because I live with her — as in, "Oh I'm having a crisis right now because of more problems with my daughter". So because she thinks it's her experience, she thinks she can fucking tell people. I can't even own my life experiences as my own.
Like when I was sexually assaulted. She fucking talked about it with everyone. People knew who I didn't want to know. Everyone treated me like I was different & broken & damaged. They still do.
I didn't get to own my life experiences then, & I don't get to own them now as a fully grown adult.
It's not unusual for moms (or other family members) to overshare. Have you tried talking to her about this (i.e. what is okay versus not okay to share?) It's not a cure-all but it may help. No way should she have been talking about your sexual assault!
I don't know if you saw the article from a newspaper that is listed on LDS.org about "why psychologists love to study mormons?" It is because Mormonism creates the highest rate of personality disordered people...over 70 percent passive aggressive disordered and a high rate of narcissism. I would guess that your mother is a malignant narcissist like so many in the church. Mormonism creates it's own kind of momster!
Is there anywhere else you can live? Try national and local GLBTQ support services. If you are in transition, ask your therapist for additional resources to contact. Keep calling until you get the help you require. That may mean in another state.
Everyone assumes mothers are loving and want what is best for their children. Many of us know that isn't the case. Try to begin to accept the fact that she will never understand, or nurture you in the way you need.
Begin to build a new support system, new mentors, supportive friends... be a loyal friend in return. You will survive this and move on with your life. Good luck on your path.
My mom is not a TBM, but a heartless woman who commits her cruelties in the name of Catholicism. She is a liar and a thief...a thief smart enough to avoid prosecution.
After years of abuse, I thought I was ready to forgive my mother for all she had done to me.
But then my sister came out of the closet.
Then my youngest brother came out of the closet.
I could forgive my mother for her cruelty against me. I could not, however, forgive her for calling my sister a dyk*, or my brother a f*g...telling them they're sinners, while forgetting that both of her straight kids were born out of wedlock.
Shortly after my brother came out, he started getting in some serious trouble with the law. He is currently incarcerated in the state of Florida...for car theft.
My mother and I got into a horrible fight shortly after his arrest. I haven't spoken to her in 3 months, and hope that I never do again.
A wise woman in my life once told me, "you know that you're over him, when the thought of him makes your skin crawl"...when giving me advice about an ex-boyfriend.
I never thought that could apply to my own mother. Yes...she makes my skin crawl now.