Some context: I'm 23 and now live on my own and am financially independent from my parents (my mom kindly pays for my medication, but that's it). I grew up mormon, but I'd been in limbo since I was about 17 or 18. In January, I decided to start drinking (casually and safely with friends) to try and put things in perspective (plus I had always wanted to see what being drunk felt like). In February, I began my research and decided to leave because I could not live a life dedicated to a religion that was not only a fraud that hid its history, but was horribly racist, sexist, and homophobic. I've struggled a lot with what I call deprogramming from the years of indoctrination and emotional manipulation, but lately I've been doing better. I haven't been to church since about the middle of March, because I became anxious just being in the building, let alone listening to the lies. And I know that no one is consistently happy, but I feel that I am much happier outside of mormonism. I know longer have to justify my beliefs with my religion and be weighed down with cognitive dissonance. The world is so much bigger and more exciting outside of mormonism, and I'm happy to have my life and my body belong to me.

Now the situation. I had my little sister (who's 14) over at my place and she was using my phone. My friend texted me "hey let's go to a rave and do ecstasy." He was completely joking and using it as a dumb opening for how into rave music he is right now, but my little sister saw it and became concerned. Instead of talking to me about it, she deleted the text AND went through my other text messages. Because apparently concern means you are allowed to completely invade someone's privacy. I guess she discovered I drink, because she told my parents about the E and the drinking. And my mom confronted me about it the other day. It took me ages to convince her that I don't do drugs, but I didn't know how to handle the "I know you're drinking." I have anxiety, and being attacked like that out of the blue was not something I was ready to deal with, so I didn't really address that part. But I heard lots of "I'm worried about you" and "I don't want you to throw your life away."

Let's be clear. I am not throwing my life away. Yes I do drink now, but I no longer consider it a sin. And I am always always safe and usually with friends (unless it's a glass of wine with dinner... but that's normal??). I've graduated from university and now live on my own. I don't have debt. I do have a brother in rehab, so that combined with their mormon beliefs has led to an overreaction on the side of my sister and parents.

I wasn't prepared to be outed like this. Now, I feel like if my lack of attendance at church comes up, they will think it's because I'm sinning. I already have the feeling that they view me as a sinner. And I hate that I can feel their mark of extreme disapproval on something that I enjoy doing. And I really didn't leave because of alcohol. I left because it's a fraud. I want to be able to live my own life, but I'm not sure how to approach this with my parents if it ever does come up?? I'm not sure what the purpose of this post is. I just don't have many exmormon friends. My one friend has religious parents who don't approve of her lifestyle, and she said that my parents will come around and accept me. But I'm tired of the control of mormonism. Do you know what I mean? Any thoughts or advice would be appreciated. Sorry this was so long. It was quite the stressful experience, realizing that my coming out of mormonism was no longer in control and was tainted by my family viewing me as The Sinner.



Edited 2 time(s). Last edit at 07/20/2015 01:28AM by grrlpower.

Many, many people who grew up as members and left the church of hypocrisy and falsehood (including myself, many years ago) have experienced something very similar to this. I have a couple of things to contribute here.

Most active mormons believe that anyone who drinks has a substance abuse problem and yes, drinking a glass or two of wine with dinner is totally normal. Some members of my family are still convinced that I and my other ex-mormon siblings have serious problems, even though we all drink in moderation and responsibly. It's the fact that we drink. Which we do and refuse to apologize for, because we don't need to.

Here's the important thing - you have a right to live your life the way you want to, the way that makes you happy. Just as you choose to afford your family the right to live the way they want to, you deserve the same respect. You are an adult and you did not make this decision lightly. It's hard, but demand the respect you deserve for the right to make your own choices.

The initial period can be really, really difficult (how difficult depends on the numbers of jackasses in your family), but once the truth is out it is totally worth it. In no way, shape or form should you have to feel guilty about not believing the same religious crap your family does (although you may want to phrase it more diplomatically). Mormons prey on guilt, they foster it, they use it to control.

Recognize that you are seeing things through "The Mormon Prism" and move forward being the person you truly are and want to be. You are a real person and you have the right to make your own choices in life - the Mormon version of "free-agency" which means you're free to choose anything as long as it's what they say, notwithstandig.

Hang in there and be true to yourself. It is hard but so, so worth it. Best of luck.

Also, for what it's worth in my experience, just be honest from the get go. I hemmed and hawed about explaining why I wasn't going to church for years and I really wish I had just been up front about it. I wasted so much time trying to spare feelings.

Thank you so much for your reply. It was everything I needed to hear.

+1, this is great advice!

I've often wondered what would happen if you said to your mom, "Mom, there are too many emotions wrapped up in our relationship and I find it hard to discuss with you what I think are facts. Why don't you go to RfM and ask them what you should do in this situation, you being a TBM and me being on my way out?"

Oh, sure, a TBM is going to rant about us being anti-mormon, but if we're part of the problem, why do they hesitate to confront us, in these unique (to them) situations, since they have the Truth?

How hard it must be for a TBM to imagine a world where they don't have a direct connection with ghawd.

I would love to be able to point her towards this site or the CES letter, but I just know that her belief is too strong. She's the type who'll deny the facts because the mormon church is "true" no matter what. But good point about them being hesitant to confront us! I wonder why they don't think it's strange that the church tells them to keep away from "anti-mormon" literature like? If they have the Truth, what are they so afraid of?

I wish I could be more upfront about my new beliefs when faced with mormons who are being too upfront about theirs, but I'm still hesitant to tell them what I know because it was such a hard realization for me. Maybe that's unfortunate. I'm still new to this and I've been avoiding confrontations so far.

There are always the churches' essays. It might open your mom's eyes to what you've learned.

A few things to add:

First, give yourself time. Take deep breaths and repeat this mantra --- "It will all work out, eventually." It really will, in time. It's hard to see that perspective right in the middle of things, but it will work out, somehow, eventually. It may not be exactly what you thought it would be. But it can be very good, if you work to make it so.

Second, give your parents some time. They had these great, loving fantasies about you and your life. Now their fantasies are begin challenged by reality. It takes a while to adjust. Even the most loving people can need a little time to get their balance.

Third, help them by refusing to get sucked into a blame and explanation game. If they say something that is out of line, to you, take another deep breath. Then try to say something like: "Mom, I love you and I don't want for that to get lost in any kind of arguments. So let's just go for the 'love-you' part, for now."

If they won't go along with that, you may need to step aside for a while, to give them time to adjust. You *do not* need to stand for being abused, verbally or emotionally. If that should happen, remove yourself. No need to say anything. Just leave and let them calm down and do some thinking.

Fourth, if you always show yourself to your parents as a calm, sensible person, they will eventually start to see that you really are exactly that person. You may have to be the adult, for a while. It's hard to switch roles like that, but it can help people to see that you must be treated with respect.

Thank you!!! This is great advice! it's very easy to get lost in the emotions of these kinds of situations, but you're right. I need to show myself as the rational person I am in the hopes that they will see I'm not losing myself to "sin" or whatever twisted viewpoint they have. It's unfortunate that I have to take the higher road, but I can see how it's for the best. I'm going to keep your advice in mind, thank you!

hey grrlpower,

you want some good advice ?

email ziller a pic of yourself (srs)

no rilly,

to help you out ziller has shortened up your post for you

see below

(yer welcome)

Cliff Notes to grrlpower's long post:

OP is a happy normal 23 y.o. independent apostate

OP's TBM fam be all like totally h8n

OP wants TBM fam to show love

in this thread

OP is advised to stop giving fuks about what TBM fam thinks

/thread

Well, while it's true that you must learn to set boundaries with your family and defend those boundaries, the "brother in rehab" raises a yellow flag. If he's an alcoholic, and/or if alcoholism is in your near relatives, then drinking might be a bad idea for you. Yeah, it's great to go taste all the things that have been forbidden to you and all that, but you don't HAVE to do those things to prove anything to anybody, least of all to yourself.

At this very moment I have a client who I discovered two years ago had a serious drinking problem, yet he and even his wife denied it back then. Today he is in an ugly divorce and also losing his three kids and they're losing their dad. Alcoholism can, and routinely does, destroy lives including innocent lives just as much as any perverted religion does.

If there's any chance that you're not controlling it but it's controlling you -- and you would probably not know this, someone else would have to tell you -- then it's wise to just set it aside and never go back. There's enough pain in the world already.

End rant.

JAR



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/28/2015 05:22PM by justarelative.

MY best advice is to be honest with your family. I kept everything hidden and locked up. I wouldn't share anything with my wife and I started to hate myself and held a lot of anger and resentment for far to long. I eventually came out and stopped pretending to live according to other peoples standards of me. I feel much more at peace now. The feelings of anger and resentment have been replaced with feelings of love and kindness. I genuinely want to be a better person and help other people now.

As someone who was constantly waiting for the "perfect time" to tell my wife how I felt, it never came, I just had to do it.