I'm in my early 30's and I've been patient and cautious when it comes to finding a partner. I've turned down proposals in the past which was heart wrenching, but I knew I was going to hold out for the best fit, nothing less. My brothers are TBM's and quickly married the second/third person they ever seriously dated.

My younger brother's wife's family lives out of state and so her parents chose to pay for a reception in the Midwest for her family, while my parents were responsible for all the costs of the actual wedding held here in Utah. Her siblings and parents flew in to attend the temple wedding and reception here in Utah.

I have finally found the man I have been waiting for so long. Although he has an excellent and highly respected career, he delayed divorce until recently (he chose to live in a mother-in-law type apartment in his own house after they separated and spent 8 years that way. The divorce has left him with almost nothing, and we'll be started out new together and won't be able to buy a home for some time.

Explainations out of the way, I have been attempting to estimate our budget for a wedding. It will be small, immediate family and a couple of close friends. I never expected or felt entitled to have my parents help out with wedding costs. However, I'm struggling with resentment. They spent a good deal of money on my brother's reception and all the associated costs.

After giving my parents the good news (and they were thrilled as they respect and welcome my fiancé), I asked them in a tactful manner if I could expect any assistance for the wedding, explaining it would be very small, private, and definitely non-extravagant. I told them I had no expectations, but needed to figure out the budget in order to begin planning.

They said that since it wasn't a god-sanctioned marriage, they couldn't even be sure I'd go through with it. They also mentioned that they plan to remodel the house very soon, which will cost in the tens of thousands.

As much as I try not to, I feel hurt by the fact they so easily shelled out money for my brother and that it was such an easy decision to know that they won't be helping me in any way. His reception was huge by the way.

It's also completely appalling that they would have any doubts as to whether I'd cancel the wedding. I've known my fiancé for years and years and marriage is a decision I have never EVER taken lightly.

On the other hand, his wedding was set just months after he started dating his now wife.

So, since I didn't pray about it and receive a godly confirmation they think there's a good likelihood it won't happen!? I don't have a history of canceling or backing out of things, especially something important that I've made up my mind about and am in 100%.

Yes, I realize my attitude may come across as entitled. It just hurts to know that they bend over backwards for the TBM wedding, and shirk off mine, including the validity of my commitment.

Any advice out there to help me let go of these negative feelings? I'm hurting no one but myself, but the favoritism between me and my brothers goes way back and this is but one of the many times I have been treated lowly in comparison to my brothers.

I know one family who said they would pay for temple wedding/reception costs only. One daughter had her ring ceremony (post temple dealing) and reception at what many consider the finest dining (or at least highest cost) in the SL Valley. They spent a total of $80,000+ when all was said and done. It was the most beautiful ceremony and reception I had ever attended. The other daughter chose to marry a non member and her parents wouldn't even attend. Her and her husband got married at the courthouse, just the 2 of them. I can't imagine how hurtful that would have been. It breaks my heart.

I should be grateful I have parents who respect my fiancé, and are happy for me. They'll attend the wedding.

But Christ almighty. Every year I watch them give at least $25,000 to LDS Inc! My father should be retired by now!

I feel like it may be healthy to be angry and hurt. Emotions are important and valid. I just know I can't hold on to these feelings.

Advice? Stories? Am I completely a b*t*h for feeling this way? I'd truly like to hear some feedback.

And if we end up doing JOP and having no honeymoon, I'd still feel like the luckiest woman in the world because I found the man I want to grow old with and be with for the rest of my life, and he is so amazing. Waiting and watching everyone else my age get married a decade ago was tough, but I'm telling you--- it paid off!!!!!


Thank you for your time. :-)

My apologies for the spelling and grammatical errors. I wrote from my phone and predictive text changed the word wedding to dealing in one paragraph! Next time I'll be sure to use the desktop!

Face it. You're a woman & non LDS. I'm not sure which is lower in the eyes of your TBM's, but it's not a good combination for you. Granite counter tops are more worthy than you are in your parents eyes. Don't waste any more time trying to understand them or expect much from them. Enjoy your new life with your husband & surround yourselves with people that genuinely love & accept you for who you are. Congrats on the upcoming wedding.

Your feelings are very understandable. Have the reception that you want and is within your budget. The nicest wedding that I've ever been to had a modest budget (nice hors d'oeuvres, champagne, wine, and a string quartet at the faculty club of the groom's alma mater.) It beat all the fancy sit-down dinners and hired bands of the other weddings that I've attended.

Your parents' attitude doesn't seem to be so much about the non-temple wedding as that they don't assign much value to females. Feel sorry for them and vow to do better with your own family.

Your "revenge" will be to make your wedding as un-Mormony as you can. Wear a not-ready-for-prime-temple-time dress, serve alcoholic beverages, have music, flowers, etc. Make 'em squirm!

It's really sad how parents will value non-Mormon children less. Sometimes they don't even realize it, and sometimes they may be being consciously manipulative and putting you down with any weapon they have.

The best defense against this is honesty. Tell them the truth "I feel like you are spending less on me because I and my fiance are non-Mormon and this hurts. It feels like you're playing favorites". They probably know this is what they are doing, but won't think you will have the courage to point it out.

If you point it out, it forces them to see themselves for what they really are - small and petty in some moments, with room for improvement as human beings in terms of compassion and caring for others.

I'm so happy for you and your new adventure being married. You are perfectly justified in feeling the way you do. It's very wrong for your parents to show favoritism. My best advice is to enjoy your day and only invite those who you love to be there and pay for anything you want yourself. When I married I was a TBM and it was in the temple. I still ended up paying for the bridesmaid dresses because I found what I wanted and my mom refused to pay for them. My little sister paid for nothing and got my mom's dream wedding! So if there are things you really want for your wedding or life do it yourself, it's worth it.

If I were in your place, I would tell my parents that I honestly had not expected anything, but I was so appalled about their statement that they couldn't be sure I'd go through with it, that I wanted them to consider loaning me $1000 (or another amount), that I will not have to repay if in fact we get married.

You can do a mormon wedding for peanuts compared to a regular wedding (hire a venue, sit down dinner, alcohol). So it is quite possible they didn't spend a lot on your brothers wedding either.

It may be that they simply felt put on the spot and do not have any money to give you. This could be because you are starting out older. Or for any number of reasons not the one you think.

But I think that giving you the opportunity to disprove their position, might help you.

We treated our children equally whether they were married by a minister, a rabbi, or in the LDS temple or in a home or chapel. My greatest enjoyment was walking the last to be married (of 12) down the aisle at the Presbyterian Church in Boulder, Colorado; and drinking champagne at the reception in a bar/restaurant.

Spend the money on the honeymoon. Have a simple, beautiful ceremony, with a drop dead stunning dress and expensive bouquet.

Use a great photographer, and hire one for your honeymoon. You will be left with professional photos and wonderful memories.

Anyone who marginalizes your union doesn't belong there. Many Mormon wedding gifts are tacky anyway. Don't let anyone rain on your happiness. Focus on your sweetie and have a wonderful time!

Great idea! Have a "destination wedding" and hold it where you want to spend your honeymoon. Have the beautiful dress, champagne, the photographer in a beautiful but inexpensive venue. Invite the people you want and don't worry about the rest. Have a fabulous honeymoon and enjoy yourselves. Share your photos in a "post-wedding announcement" along with a "oh, it was beautiful, missed you."

Ex-Sis Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
>
> Anyone who marginalizes your union doesn't belong
> there. Many Mormon wedding gifts are tacky anyway.
> Don't let anyone rain on your happiness. Focus on
> your sweetie and have a wonderful time!


^Yes!!!

Elope!


Oh wait that's silly because unless you spend lots of money you don't have to impress people, your relationship isn't real. What was I thinking?

Oh yeah now I remember....I was thinking that a whole industry has grown up to manipulate simple minding folks into playing "whose wedding cost more" and that the dolts who play it are so much happier. Please enjoy your ride in the limo cuz EVERYBODY is going to be so impressed. They might even think you can afford it.

Anonymity123 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
...
> And if we end up doing JOP and having no
> honeymoon, I'd still feel like the luckiest woman
> in the world because I found the man I want to
> grow old with and be with for the rest of my life,
> and he is so amazing. Waiting and watching
> everyone else my age get married a decade ago was
> tough, but I'm telling you--- it paid off!!!!!
>
>
> Thank you for your time. :-)
=====================================
I am so happy for you! I got married late (33 years old) in a teeny-tiny wedding and I definitely feel the same way, 28 years later!

First of all, I completely understand how you feel. I have been in a similar position many times, given my family dynamics. I know how frustrating it can be. Your feelings are perfectly valid --- and your understanding that it will probably be harmful to hold on to the feelings long-term is perfectly valid, too. In time, you'll probably be able to let it go, and by then, it will be a relief to be rid of the pain.

In the meantime, if you have the kind of relationship with your parents that allows you to talk with them honestly, it might be helpful to let them know how you feel about their idea that you might not go through with your wedding. Those thoughtless insults can be very hurtful. You need to stand up for yourself, and honestly, they can't do anything to make amends if you don't tell them how you feel. I hope that they will be decent and loving enough to see how wrong they were to say that, and try to make it right.

Next, as to money and weddings --- you seem to have a good idea for your wedding. I know that it has become a huge production, these days. I sadly miss the far simpler, but no less beautiful and meaningful weddings of my younger days. Way back when I was young, the norm for most people's weddings was a simple ceremony in a church or home (maybe in the yard/garden if it was a summer wedding) with close friends and family invited. That would be followed by an equally simple reception with nice hors d'oeuvres or snackable foods (often made by family and/or friends) and a beautiful bakery cake as the centerpiece. The reception was often in the church basement or hall, or in the same home as the wedding. There was one photographer, there for a few choice pictures, then either gone or moved into guest status at the food table.

Then everything started to get more and more out of control. It became a competition to ensure that A's wedding was bigger and more splendid than anyone else's. And then B's wedding had to be fancier than that, and so on and on. The wedding industry did what industries tend to do --- everything it could to sell more product. All of my siblings and cousins had weddings that cost under $500.00 bucks total. Most of their kids had weddings that cost 10 or 20 times that much. And it was not because of inflation --- it was just the conviction that it was somehow essential to have a band or an orchestra; and a huge, impressive wedding hall; and and emcee; and flowers that did not come out of the garden; and photographers in on everything; and paid wedding planners; and caterers; and on and on and on.

Do yourself a favor, and keep it simple and sweet. make it a lovely memory instead of a giant headache with bills to pay for years to come.

Thank you for the kind comments. They are so appreciated and I'm feeling better already. To clarify, NO assistance will be spent, period.

Also, I am not looking to impress ANYONE! As I mentioned, my fiancé and I are inviting immediate family only and 2 friends who are like family to us. This means there will be a total of 11 people in attendance should they all join.

I do know the amount they spent on my brother's reception. It was in the $6-8,000 range. I could be more specific, as I was involved in the planning and knew the budget and what it added up to but I'll leave it at that.

The only material thing I wanted was a dress I would feel beautiful in. I want to feel special and blow him away. ;-)
I found the dress I want and fell in love with. It will be the one thing I spend any significant amount of money on, but the problem is that it will go out of rotation and I'll be unable to order after months end. I won't go in debt for it, and I mentioned that I would be happy to pay back the costs if they could loan me the deposit. It was a no go. They have the money and admitted as much. They also paid for my brothers' college education and I was told that it was more important for them as they would have future families to support.

We've talked and he was surprised as where he grew up, it was common to have a savings account for each daughters wedding and have more extravagant weddings. He thought 3-4k would be a small/minimum contribution, especially knowing my parents.

Of course, he wasnt swayed and said "we're just going to do things a bit differently and we'll have a hell of great time doing it together!"

:-)


After talking more, we will likely elope the way things are going and have our ceremony where we honeymoon. I really like that idea the more I think about it. He doesn't have living parents and the honeymoon and even a simple dress will be money enough. And I am still thrilled! And even more so thinking about the lack of invitations, planning, and likely cutting out a honeymoon in order to have the smallest and simplest ceremony and reception.

LDS Gender roles... They wonder why I hate them so much. Ha!
I now lay this resentment to rest, although that damn dress still haunts my dreams!

There may be a place you can rent a dress from?

That's awful that they paid for the sons' education, weddings, and not yours. . . . in spite of being able to afford it. I do think you need to clear the air and discuss this with them. And I think it would be better to do it asap, and give them a chance to rethink their decision.

I let them know how That made me feel. They told me that my brothers made better choices and should be rewarded for it. In addition, had I made a "better" choice, I would be able to stay at home with my daughter instead of working while someone else raises her. Because all good LDS women are supported by their spouses and wouldn't think to step outside the home to work. That would just be selfish! :-/ and I wouldn't have needed a degree! (FYI, I'm still working very slowly to get a defree).

In addition, both brothers and my father told me that they wouldn't come if I chose to serve alcohol at a reception. They just wouldn't feel comfortable attending an event in which alcohol was served. What about the restaurants they frequent that serve alcohol? What? It doesn't make any sense. I hadn't even mentioned anything about what a reception would entail, they aren't paying for anything, and I only have a glass of wine very occasionally with dinner.

What?! My mind is blown!

Never mind about all this-- it's becoming quite clear what the best option is. ;-)

I am so sorry that you are being subjected to that kind of behavior. At this point, a destination wedding seems like your best bet. If your family doesn't show, then it's on them.

That is a ridiculous attitude to take.

What a bunch of a-holes in your family (no-offence intended).
They are still trying to to control you as an adult, trying to use their childish Mormon manipulation tricks they have never grown out of.

Oh, lordy, lordy,

How can the TC of Jesus Christ OLDS forget about little details from the bible, like:

Jesus drank wine.

And all of his disciples drank wine.

And Jesus turned water into wine for a wedding celebration.

I don't know your family, but I know people who are much like your family seems to be. You are so very fortunate to have common sense. Overall, your own reasoning ability will be much more valuable to you than all of the nonsense from family members. As you say, it's valuable information that you are gathering about your family.

But, also, I know that it would be nice if only --- if only they could treat you with a small portion of the family love that their church pretends to champion. And maybe if only your common sense could rub off on them a bit more.

How tragically sad that TSCC teaches and encourages such narrow mindedness. I join other posters in being constantly amazed at the church's hypocrisy of claiming to be all about families, and then leaving such awful family carnage in its wake.

I'm so sorry. That really sucks. I think you are right about the best option. Why let people bring their negative energy to your wedding when they are judging your life, trying to dictate the beverages you serve, and giving ZERO financial support?

But before you burn any bridges, one thought is that you should tell them you are having a private ceremony, and plan a family dinner a couple weeks after you get back. Somewhere that doesn't serve alcohol, of course. ;-)

Honestly, they sound like stingy, controlling, self-righteous pricks. They didn't pay for college because they didn't WANT you to get an education because they didn't want you to work. WTF!?! Have they never heard of a woman needing to work to help out the family, or because she WANTS to be educated, or even because she finds herself single again through being widowed or divorced?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/03/2015 12:45AM by imaworkinonit.

On second thought, tell them you WILL be serving alcohol and let THEM make the choice to miss it. I think if you are ever going to have a relationship with them, you need to make it crystal clear that you will NOT be bullied or blackmailed by money or by withdrawal of affection.

I am so sorry you're going through this! What heartbreaking behavior from your parents when planning for such a happy event! I agree with the other posters that you should talk honestly about their behavior and your feelings. It may help to prep them by letting them know that you need to talk to them about something difficult in the future and set a place and time for it. Most people react much better when they're anticipating an emotional conversation and they can prepare for it.

Then after that conversation, you need to be able to stand up to them if they choose to act that way again. Part of that is respecting yourself. If you're not there yet, take the necessary steps to get there. When you reach that point, it will be easier to see their behavior for what it is--bullying. Do you put up with your daughter acting that way? No, because you are not intimidated by her and you're teaching out of love. Don't be intimidated by them and their damn opinions about your brothers. You will either have a relationship where they either respect you or no relationship. Either way, you win and are not settling to be someone's second class child because you are no second class person. Ultimately you crave your parents' love and you won't get it until they respect you. Love without respect is really pitty or some other sentiment. (Sorry if this comes across as a tad strong. We are having relationship issues with my husband's TBM father and this is hitting close to home with him.)

The family religion that keeps on punishing. Boycotting your wedding due to champagne is all about them, not you. Looky how righteous we are everyone! We would rather skip our only daughter's wedding than be in the vicinity of alcohol! (And, the lunacy is, they would be congratulated for doing that.)

Don't waste your time or ruin your happiness. Check bridal outlets nearby for a similar gown. You might be able to find a dress off the rack and have very few alterations, or they might know where to find it in a similarly draping fabric.

Leave town; your family has behaved in abhorrent ways, intentionally. At this point, they don't deserve to be included, and quite honestly could find a way to wreck it, or upset you with some ridiculous comment.

Congratulations for finding your partner. Enjoy your celebration, and best wishes for future happiness together!

word of advice. NEVER expect anything from anybody, especially one's parents. weddings are a ridiculous waste of time and money and are so narcissistic.

Such a common motif of Mormon boorishness we see here on this board. I wish you well in this. I,too, had a cheap little wedding, and it was in the temple. It was kind of the other way around, the temple shutting out friends and relatives who might have attended. At any rate, I could only 2nd the advice about having no expectations. And as krampus! says, opulent weddings are a wast of money. Go for cheap and romantic. And remember that someday you may be in the position to shut them out as they have you.

And, as others have said, what is important is NOT THE WEDDING, it is the MARRIAGE!

Create a beautiful memory for the two of you as part of your marriage and the hell with everyone else.

So now you know your true worth in the parents eyes.

Which is Lesser than and not Sanctioned.

F that!

I say elope and tell the world later.

My second marriage to my new sweetheart was in another country.
Just the two of us and one other couple who were my sweethearts lifelong friends. It was on the beach we chose.

It was perfect in every way.

Don't do anything to appease others. Live life for the two of you.

Your parents are members of an evil cult.

Their gift to you is that they made it perfectly plain and clear.

As an ex-member of their cult, you are held in less regard than your TBM siblings.

It sucks, but that's what cults do to people.

It hurts to open your eyes to the reality of who your parents are, but it will help you in the long run.

Weddings may be narcassistic in their very nature, but the type I had in mind didn't seem to be. I feel like it's finally my turn and want a day I will remember and look back upon fondly as a milestone. Traditions are important to me and done the right way are some of the fondest memories one can have.

I hope to be able to share a blog post in the future of a small, low key yet elegant event which will hopefully be shared with my best friend, daughter, my sister, and of course, future husband! Hopefully I'll have beautiful photos and minimal stress associated with finances and planning. I want to open a bottle of champagne and celebrate our lives becoming one. I'm a ridiculous romantic and luckily, so is he!

Marriage is a huge deal to me, and this situation has really opened up my eyes as to who I want to share it with and the priorities of certain family members. Hurtful, yes---but these are things I need to know.

And oh lordy how I wish I could buy anything, much less a wedding dress used, rented, or off the rack!

I'm 6'1". Truly. When I hear short women complain about hemming pants and dresses...Well, let's just say I'd take that issues over mine any day! You can hem, but you can't add length quite so easily. ;-)

For the women out there interested, google Maggie Soterro wedding dress from Fall 2014 collection. Oh. My. Lord.

Aside from the length, it fit perfectly. Why, oh why did I let myself try dresses on?! Tried over 20 and when I came out with that one, a lovely older lady there with her granddaughter clapped and said something in Spanish. Interpreted, it was something like, "That's the one sweet child!"

I didn't want to take it off, and the dress agreed. By that time, I was a tad moist (not sweaty... Moist!) and I got stuck in it with my arms over my head, trapped in the most uncomfortable position. With my height, and the employee helping me being at least a foot shorter, they had to enlist the help of a manager and bystander! It's a good thing I'm comfortable with my body! 3 people saw me topless when we managed to get it off!

I'm ridiculous! Don't think I don't know it!

Oops! I meant Maggie Sotterro "Selma" from the fall 2014 collection.

It's lovely! You will be a beautiful bride and your wedding will be wonderful. I vote to get the money upfront and to go to Napa Valley, CA. Sonoma and Santa Rosa are lovely and there are lots of wineries (I served a mission for the morg there). The ocean is close too. Invite friends and have wine ;)
I know it's different but,this year my mom refused to attend my baby shower because it was being held at a Baptist church. My mom said she couldn't support that choice. The LDS church isn't pro-family, it's anti-family and I am sorry it has poisoned your family and my family too. I hope someday our families will see how wicked LDSInc is and leave.

Ok, I admit it. I googled it, and I'm a guy. Ha ha ha.

It is a nice looking dress, looks perfect for a taller lady.

My wife went wedding dress shopping and she tried one on reluctantly at the request of the lady at the store. It was sequined and had the same kind of patterned stuff going on like your dress. It wasn't her type of dress at all, but once it was on she just immediately fell in love with it.

My wife bought it from one of those designer outlet wedding dress places. So she didn't pay full retail for it. And had it adjusted by a seamstress to fit her perfectly.