Hi all. Been married 20 years. 4 kids. We were TBM's and then 12 years believed the church was a scam.

Fast forward til today. Some marital and kid problems have sent her back to church, wearing her garmies and acting as though all our problems will be solved by her new "activity" in the church in which she didn't believe for so long.

I'm having a hard time, cause she is now anti-alcohol, anti underwear and thinks our family issues will be solved now.

I'm not sure I can deal with it. I love her and I love my family and wondering who has been there and what tips they can help with.

My first thought is to just back off and let it play itself out. I think there's a very good chance that she will quickly realize that it's neither working nor pleasant. Just like trying a new diet or exercise regime or any major habit change, people are more likely to drop it than continue. If you confront her or make a big deal about it, she may be more likely to dig in, whereas if you just let her try it out, it will just fizzle on its own. Has it been longer than three months? That's about the time it often takes for a new habit to develop.

Communication is also important. You might need to set boundaries, like, "You are free to wear/do/drink what you like, but so am I."

Or, "Okay, let's try this for X amount of time. But then we're really going to examine the results and decide if this really solved our problems or just distracted us from them, or created more."



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2015 03:38PM by Pista.

I think that is the right way to do it

When you mentioned that you have four kids after 20 years of marriage, it didn't take a seer stone to figure out there are "teen angst" issues. She had expectations as to what having teens would be like and those expectations aren't being met and she'd like to 'solve' that problem. Obviously going to church isn't going to have much effect on the "teen angst" issues (if I'm correct) and my in fact exacerbate them.

I certainly don't have any solutions. The only solution the church offers is obedience, but if you don't buy into the reward, who is going to modify their behavior?

What can you do? I'd stick to whatever you do best and/or are most comfortable with.

Great advice. It's been 3 weeks. So we'll see. Just can't understand her thinking. Becoming obedient to control somehow brings peace and happiness.

turco Wrote:
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> Great advice. It's been 3 weeks. So we'll see.
> Just can't understand her thinking. Becoming
> obedient to control somehow brings peace and
> happiness.

I think that's likely right on track.
She feels some things in her life (her teens, maybe?) are out of her control. The "safety" of ritual obedience can make her feel that *something* at least is constant, reliable, and not so uncertain. Compensation, if you will.

I would hope it wouldn't take her long to get over the "ahhh, I don't have to think in that space or deal with unknowns," and realize that her investment of obedience gets her nothing in return.

Life is messy. Lots of things are out of our control. It's hard for some people to deal with that.

I'm sorry to hear that you are having this problem added, I'm guessing, to the marital and kid problems.

It seems as if your wife is setting herself up for a disappointment --- from what I've seen of life, trying to escape from problems doesn't work. You have to stay in the fray and find solutions or nothing improves.

It would be so nice if there were a simple solution to life's problems. A pill, or a prayer, or a new diet. But it usually doesn't work too well, unless all of the people involved are on the same page and are trying to work together to find and implement real, practical solutions.

Unless you are an alcoholic, banning liquor is not going to solve anything. And wearing the garments is even less likely to help. But I wonder if your wife is so desperate to find a solution that she is grabbing at whatever straw she can. Maybe (and it's a big "maybe") if you could get her to sit down with you and discuss the problems that she sees, and how she thinks that they can be resolved, you might find out how you can help her through the difficult times. Reassure her that you love her and want to work things out.

Is she's going back to leaning on TSCC simply because she is so bound up in the troubles that she can't see that there are other options (like you) to lean on? It's hard to be perfectly rational when your emotions are driving everything that you do. Try to help her find constructive ways to look at problems without the church intruding. Perhaps a non-Mormon counselor can help.

The worst case is that your wife is being controlled by magical thinking and wishful thinking. Helping her to see that there is a real way to get through troubles may be the only thing to try. Just keep in mind that you can't really change her unless she wants to change. If you are very careful, you might the able to help her understand that there are other options. Try to make it easier for her to want to change without throwing herself into the destructive arms of the Mormon church.

Thanks. I don't know. I'll just back off at this point. Marriage hasn't been very easy and there's been hurt in the marriage. Emotional.

She's in the beginning of menopause and I wonder if that is having an issue.

Who knows. Maybe I'm thinking too much.

I agree with Pista, above. Let the situation play out, and insist that she doesn't get to change your drinking habits or the religion habits of everyone else in the household.

Menopause can be a rough time, both physically and emotionally. Has she consulted her physician about it? The good news is, it will pass, and the other side is blue skies and sunshine.

On the surface, members claim to do church because it is true, or have a testimony or whatever.

The real reason, however, is our survival instincts, which make us want to cling to a group for support and comfort. Perhaps she doesn't feel much from home, so wants a source of support. Many partners are more committed to the tribe than to their partner.

Women in particular use the church to control their husbands. Church squelches his sexual drive, and she can report him to the bishop for any transgressions and get him straightened out. A lot of power for women.

Anyway, get used to the idea that you are not number one, and probably never were.

+1

preaching the truth!

but, ouch...

There is a lot of over-learned behavior in the church. When things get stressful, sometimes we want to revert back to our over-learned behavior. Maybe it's just that.

She must be really really desperate to go back to church in

hopes that that will help with the problems or make them go

away. I'm really sorry for what ever it is.

I find it ironic that she goes back to a church that is so

controlling to get help in controlling her problems and you

are tying to control her.

Good luck to you.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2015 07:27PM by saucie.

anti-underwear ????

Dave the Atheist Wrote:
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> anti-underwear ????

Another way of saying "demands wearing garmies." :)

Been there seen that. My ex started returning to the Mormons. Insisted I rejoin and take here through the temple. Never happened. Within a year, got a divorce, lost our business, lost our house. Was a nightmare. I rebuilt my life on my terms. Never remarried, Never trusted any Mormon, always self employed. Now totally retired and living in a small remote mountain town. Life is good.

& tell HER to suck the dicks of 97 plus yrs old man....
Because that's what she deserves...
Instead of fine man like you...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 08/15/2015 11:24PM by quinlansolo.

If both of you are both open to counseling (non-mormon), this might be a way to go. Often I believe people have not learned fair ways of discussing their disagreements, and counseling can set some ground rules. To have a third person present who can remain neutral I found to be well worth the money.

Wishing you the best. Do keep posting.

It's the damndest thing. A gal who loved living for mojitos and victoria secret who said i was controlling is now being controlled by an old time religion.

i'm just gonna stay on the sidelines and let it play out. what else can i do? i haven't seen any "result" from this new way of being from her yet.

If you loved her like you stated then seek non Mormon counseling.
She says you are controlling. Get to the root of that. It just may be you are at fault here more than you realize. Her going back to church is the path she has chosen to show you she is right and you aren't. She chose church but could have taken another path to accomplish the same ends.

Good luck. You are in a tough spot for sure.

If you want her show it. More attention, support her even if it seems counter intuitive. Counseling for sure. If she won't for whatever reason then back off and hope it plays itself out.

After being free the church will stifle her so hopefully she becomes unhappy there in short order.

If she's at all observant she might see how poorly the magic is working for others in the ward.

I'm not proud to admit this, but there have been a few moments when my life has gotten particularly shitty where I have craved my past religious days. (Not Mormon but heavily buried in Evangelical Christianity.) EVEN WHEN I HAVE ACKNOWLEDGED to myself that I don't truly believe it, I have had a few moments where I held onto some strange nostalgia for the "peace" I used to feel.

Of course, I've never actually gone back to those days, but a big part of that is also my social anxiety.

Basically, I agree with what many people have written. Don't actively resist her decision; that will likely cause her to dig her heels in more. Let her come to the realization that it's not what she truly wants and needs. Most of all, make it easy for her to change her mind. If she sense a "I told you so" is lurking she will work harder to make her choice stick. But if you're neutral or- gasp!- even supportive, she won't feel backed into a corner about it.

As for the rest- counseling is good. Being honest and humble and trying to meet in the middle to save your marriage is good.

Good luck.

Yes, control issues are definitely at play, here. She's using the cult to control you.

I agree that you shouldn't give her a hard time about going to church. In my experience, arguing and debating with brainwashed Mormons is futile. Yes, she is probably still suffering from childhood brainwashing, which is very hard to undo, sometimes--even in the presence of facts and logic.

So, don't work with logic, but do as the cult does, and work on her emotions.

I don't know what your specific marital problems are (aside from the obvious control issue), but do your best to solve those! Counseling would definitely help, but Mormons are sneaky, and they discourage counseling by anyone, except by a bishop. Mormon counseling will do more harm than good, so do not go that route!

This is what my husband did, to lure me away from the cult:

1. He was open and honest with me. He told me what facts he had discovered, and said that Mormonism was a hoax cult, and that JS was a con-man, and that LDS, Inc. was nothing but a business set up to con people out of their money and time. Use your own words, and make it very brief, and then shut up! It took me a year to stop being angry, and for the Truth to settle into my mind.

2. My husband reassured me that he would not give me a hard time about going to church and taking the kids with me. He kept his promise.

3. The other end of this bargain was that I was not to give him a hard time about not going to church. He said that he was not going to let the Mormons take another dime from them, and that he was not going to go to any meetings. He didn't go to see me play the piano and organ, or to see the children perform, or to hear any of their talks, or to join in on the Christmas party or any other parties. Because my husband was never there, I was excluded from all the couples activities, and felt very awkward. I was marginalized, and Mormon men would hit on me, thinking maybe I wasn't very married, or maybe I was lonely. Your wife will be treated very differently, if you do not support her. The Mormons will chase her away, without you doing anything at all. It's important not to give in, and socialize, or try to smooth out her life. She needs to face the creeps and stalkers all by herself!

4. The upside is the most important of all. Make her life better! Bring more fun into your life! Try new activities. Go on weekend trips (away on Sunday), whenever you can afford it. Offer her LOVE, which she will never find in the Mormon cult. Do the same for your kids. Sign them up for sports teams, music lessons--whatever they like to do. Take them to the movies, on a hike, skiing, to the zoo--whatever. Go on Sundays, but only after church. They will be very eager for church to be over, so they can get on with the fun your family will be having. My husband would take us all out for breakfast (it can be McDonald's, or just to get a donut) before church, and then to the park for a picnic or barbecue in the back yard, which he would have ready for us, as soon as we got home. The kids complained loudly, and wanted to leave church early. My husband didn't help me get the kids ready (he was neutral), and we were often late for church. Mormons glare at you if you arrive late or leave early.

Concentrate on making your wife and children happy--have fun with this!--and let the gloomy old Mormons dig their own grave.

I don't understand how the Mormons get away with being so negative. No one would go to those meetings by choice. Mormons use fear and threats. Obviously, they have threatened that your wife will lose her children, and you, in the hereafter, forever, unless she and you both go to the temple. That's very scary! If she can't force you to the temple, she must find a worthy priesthood holder to marry her and take her and be sealed to your children. It's a screwy cult.

Fight her fears with LOVE. "Perfect love casteth out fear."

You can do this. Be patient. It might take a few months to two years.

Thanks for the advice. Very caring words.

Quick- you need to get her to the sites, lds or other on how we know first vision has changed, how bom was translated, joseph's polygamy- use polygamy first it is a sensitive one for women.
don't delay and let her get loved bombed in to an emotional acceptance of the godspel.