The rules are simple. Make it about anything you want. Just load it with as many LDS cliches, song titles/lyrics or BOM/D+C references as possible.

One beautiful summer day Joe and his friend Parley were out hiking with their pet rocks. Joe said to his friend "Hey Parley, I was thinking last night about your sister Jenny."

Parley said "Yeah, what about her?"

"I saw her walking through town yesterday wearing a white and delightsome dress of curious workmanship and she looked tight, like unto a dish."

"What the hell does that mean?"

"I don't know, I just made it up. Like calling a horse a curelom."

"Dude, she's only 14. And what about Emma?"

"Why do I have to worry about Emma? Heber and I were talking about this the other day and he says he doesn't think any more about taking a wife than buying a cow."

"At least you can get meat and milk from a cow. How would you support another wife?"

"First off I like milk more than the meat. And you said yourself she's only 14. We can do the whole thing in the temple and nobody has to know. She can stay with your parents."

"Where's this temple? You mean that great and spacious barn where we keep the plates?"

"Yeah, that's the temple for now. You need to put your shoulder to the wheel so we can get this book finished. Then we'll be in business."

"What are we going to call the book?"

"How about A Hitchhiker's Guide to Kolob?"

"You are a genuine dumbass. And you need to stop making up words."

"That's not made up. It's Egyptian."

"Sure it is, nobody but the British will believe something as stupid as that." (sorry Briggy)

"It's just a rough draft anyway. And anyway, getting people to believe it is your problem. I'm going to have my hands full with your sister."


I know someone can do better than that. I'll be looking in tonight.

“How long has this been down?” shouted Brother Ovjerud. He was a bit sweaty and struggled to catch his breath. He had just run all the way from his desk two cubicles away. Well it wasn't really a run but certainly a brisk walk. I imagined his inner thighs would be chapped from the extreme heat generated by his polyester suit pants. I could only hope that his garments were in better shape than the inseam of those poor pants.

“As far as I can tell about 25 minutes” I responded. “And what all is affected?” he wheezed. “Well that rack of servers holds all of the web site information for the entire church”. “You mean nobody can get to LDS.ORG!? What about JosephSmithPapers.com?” he moaned. “They are all down sir”.

“What happened?” he demanded next. “Well it would appear that the redundant power supplies were both plugged into a single, cheap extension cord rather than separate, serge protected, power strips on different circuits like they were supposed to be. “As a result, the power supplies are toast and will have to be replaced”.

I stoically looked straight ahead and bit down hard on my tongue to keep from saying anything more. A week ago I had watched his corpulent back side bouncing back and forth as he worked under his desk replacing the tangle of extension cords with two, server grade, power strips that just happened to match the specifications of the missing power strips responsible for the current outage.

The suggested course of action that flowed from from the mouth of Brother Ovjerud was completely expected but still caused my colon to tighten: “Let's kneel in prayer and call down the powers of heaven to help us through this trying time.” He grunted as he lowered his considerable mass onto the floor between my desk and the gray fabric wall of my cubicle. I had no choice but to follow his lead so I knelt with him. I really needed the next 6 paychecks or I might have refused. Fortunately he didn't ask me to lead the prayer. As soon as my knees touched the industrial carpet he began his well rehearsed pleading.

“Our most Gracious and Eternal Father in Heaven, hallowed be thy name, we humbly kneel before thee as humble servants and humbly we seek thy divine guidance in this difficult hour, even this most trying time, we beseech thee Father, guide our minds and our actions that we might push thy kingdom here on earth forward in glory and eternal righteousness...”

His cell phone began to buzz and without missing a beat he pulled it from his shirt pocket. He noted the caller ID and pressed the answer button and then the speaker phone option as he smoothly continued his prayer.

“...Father, we know thou canst do anything, can work any miracle, please shine thy benevolent face upon us and Grant us the righteous desires of our hearts this day, thou knowest all things and all things are in thy hands, please help us as we try in our small ways to further thy great cause, we humbly pray in the name of our Saviour, even Jesus, the very Christ, AMEN.”

“Amen” I dutifully repeated. There also issued a vigorous “AMEN” from the small speaker from Brother Ovjerud's phone followed by: “What's the status Brother Ovjerud?”. “It would appear The Adversary is once again trying to thwart the Lord's work” lamented Brother Ovjerud. “What is Old Scratch up to this time?” demanded the voice from the phone. I recognized is as that of Brother Lehi JosephYoung, the director of the Department of Web Presence and Image Correlation. “He's causing problems with hardware in the rack that hosts all of our web sites.” was the reply from Brother Ovjerud. “Has he been cast out yet?” was the inevitable follow up question. Brother Ovjerud looked to me with his bushy eyebrows raised and made a gesture indicating that I should answer that question for myself.

I mentally took several deep breaths and prepared to lie through my teeth. I didn't like doing it but it was the only way to survive in this environment.

“Yes sir Brother Young, following established procedures, raising my arm to the square and casting out all evil was the first thing I did. “When that failed I considered dusting my feet on the servers but didn't want to go that far without getting approval.” I had to turn my head and fake a coughing spell so they wouldn't see my rolling eyes and the look of utter contempt that I was certain covered my face.

“I'm glad you exercised restraint good brother” said Brother Young “Dusting your feet might have caused additional outages and we just can't afford that.” He continued: “We've got to get these systems back up immediately. “Our advertising campaigns have been driving record numbers of hits to our web sites. “Just last week we were averaging more that 50 confirmed external hits per day on the Joseph Smith Papers page.”

“Truly awesome numbers” contributed Brother Ovjerud. “Indeed we must get these servers up and running again. “Maybe we should anoint them and bless them with a laying on of hands?”

I had to end this thing before it got too far out of hand. “Sir” I said. “The hardware vendor has made it very clear that he will cancel all of our support contracts if he finds any more olive oil in the equipment.” “That man has a serious lack of faith” declared Brother Ovjerud. “I'd hate to be him on judgment day when he stands before the Saviour.” was the rebuke from Brother Young.

Having run out of options there was a large pause in the conversation. It wasn't a silent pause but filled with heavy sighs and lots of head shaking. I felt the time was right to play my hand. “Brothers” I began, “We do have the retired servers from the Family History Holocaust Victim Project. “Perhaps we can use those power supplies to get these servers back up and running.” “Would that help?” they asked almost in unison. “I think it might, in fact I've already sent a couple of guys to see if the mounting holes will match up.”

My phone rang and I reached around my desk to answer it. “Hello” I said. “Thanks for keeping those AssHats out of our way” was the response. “My pleasure” I replied, then asked: “How's it going?” “Things fit perfectly and everything is back up and running. “I even secured the new power strips in case JugHead tries to steal them again.” “Good work” I said and hung up the phone.

“Gentlemen, I have good news, our prayers have been answered. “The problems have been fixed and the servers are all back up and running.” The relief was obvious on Brother Ovjerud's face. Brother Young's voice could be heard on the speaker phone: “What a glorious blessing! I'll go inform the First Presidency”. He then hung up.

Brother Ovjerud placed his hand on my shoulder and with a serious, almost stern look on his face asked: “Do we need to re-dedicate those servers to the work of the Lord?” I slowly nodded and in the most reverent voice I could summon I said: “I think that would be best, do you mind if I let the fellows on my team have that honor and privilege?” My goal was simple, I wanted to keep him out of the data center as much as possible. “Of course” he replied.

He then stepped back and looked at his watch. It was almost 2:30 in the afternoon. “I think” he said “that I need to take some time and contemplate the lessons the Lord wanted to teach me through this burdensome trial.” He turned and walked back to his cubicle, grunted with the effort of picking up his sixty four ounce Diet Coke mug then walked out the front door. I knew I wouldn't have to deal with him for the rest of the day. What a relief.

I sat down at my computer, pulled up a copy of my resume and started updating it. I had to get out of this nut house before it was too late.

Awesome on both counts.

and it came to pass ,ollie and sid were good ole boys living in upstate ny in the early 19th century religious revival. they were transfixed on a book called view of the hebrews. at length they decided to write their own book closely based on former book.and it came to pass, it was a fantastic story of sex, violence, and racism. ollie and sid were convinced they had a bestseller but how to market it was their dilema.and it came to piss, like a lightbulb going off over their collective heads, the answer, in the vicinity lived their perfect vehicle. he was a tall and stocky young man willing and able to defend himself, he was good looking and personable. "joe the glasslooker" they exclaimed in unision. joseph smith jr. had a recent conviction in the local courts for fraud ,he was a glasslooker,for a fee, he put a rock in his hat buried his face in it and told farmers where treasure was buried on their property.joe jumped at the chance, this was his best con yet, they made a church and ollie, sid and joe were in charge accountable to none. they took basiclly decent people and took control, complete control of the peoples lifes.and it came to pass. joe saw opportunity and slowly took control, he had power, riches,sex and he wanted more he wanted to be president. and it came to pass,joe heard rumors some followers were on to his scam and were planning to print a article about the real joe. so he burned down their press, unfortunatly for joe there are federal laws against this and he was incarcerated.while incarcerated joe would drunkenly insult the outside public who seeing he and his brother were armed called the local militia.and it came to pass, a close quarters gunfight erupted between joe his brother and a few others and the miltia, and, as was the real gods will ,joe was shot and killed

NAUVOO, SUMMER OF 1959

We are on vacation!

From our home in the desert of Nevada, we travel up through Salt Lake City on our way to Wisconsin, the homeland of our father’s relatives. For the trip, Dad buys a ’54 Cadillac DeVille convertible, green with a black top. She’s a beauty! All six of us pile in. Mom and Dad up front. My brother Allen and I get window seats in back because we’re the oldest and seniority counts. My two little brothers, Bobby and Ben, have to sit in the middle, one in back and one on the crack in front seat (unfortunately the Cadillac’s a coupe).

On the way we stop at Little America, Wyoming. The allowance we’ve been saving for months gets mostly spent on firecrackers. We can’t get’em in Nevada. Allen says these Wyoming firecrackers are nothing compared to cherry bombs. He knows. He’s 12 and he’s my older brother.

Off we go to South Dakota. Mt. Rushmore. The Black Hills. Rapid City where we play on giant steel dinosaurs. Allen and I are assigned to watch out for Bobby and Ben because we are the oldest and we know how to stay out of trouble. On to Wall Drug where we get our pictures taken by sticking our heads through the face-hole in the plywood cowboy. We wish we could afford to buy souvenirs but we blew all our money on firecrackers.

Sometime around mid-afternoon of the third day we get to Nauvoo. It’s not like Nevada. Everything is green and beautiful and there’s a big river--bigger than we’ve ever seen before.

Growing up in the church our heads are filled with stories of Nauvoo, Joseph Smith, and the Carthage Jail. We hear them from Dad too because he’s been here before. He drives bus part-time for some outfit in Salt Lake City and he brings Mormons here on tour (not to mention the Hill Cumorah!). We ask questions non-stop and Dad knows all the answers. Dad’s not a Mormon but he likes Joseph Smith because he was a Mason. Dad’s a Mason too, and that’s just enough of a connection for him to take Mom’s side whenever we complain about going to church.

We get a motel. Our own cottage. We sneak in a couple of sleeping bags and argue about who has to sleep on the floor. Allen insists we have to be quiet while Mom and Dad go buy groceries for dinner. We are quiet because we know we know we’re not supposed to have the sleeping bags in there and we don’t want to get caught. After Mom and Dad come back we all pile in the car and head off to the park. Dad fires up the Coleman stove and Mom fixes dinner. Something simple. Hot dogs or burgers.

There’s a neat playground, and after resting our dinner (Dad always insists we have to rest our dinner), we get to play on the swings and slides and merry-go-round. Once again Allen and I are assigned to watch out for Bobby and Ben. Mom and Dad finish cleaning up and while we play, they sit back in the warm summer twilight to watch the stars come out.

Fireflies? FIREFLIES!

Little specks of light buzzing through the darkening sky. They’re everywhere! Allen says we can catch them. Is it safe? Yes, he knows. He’s our older brother. We run sixteen different ways from Sunday chasing fireflies all over the park. We cup our hands and little lights flicker between the cracks of our fingers. The fireflies don’t seem to mind and they don’t sting or bite. Mom empties a pickle jar and we start collecting them by the dozen. Even Ben catches a bunch and we now have a hundred in the pickle jar. Allen says we need the lid and Dad pokes holes in it with his pocket knife. Now we have a magic lantern, glowing with God’s mystery!

Later in the motel, Bobby and Ben are worn out and fall fast asleep in bed. Allen and I are still too excited to sleep and we lie awake in our sleeping bags and watch the magic embers in the pickle jar, fading quickly in the darkness of the motel room.

#

It’s a misty morning. The overnight rain is still wet on the grass. We look at the huge river and the dead fireflies in the pickle jar and we think how different this is from Nevada. On the way back to the park for breakfast Dad stops the Cadillac in front of a huge grassy lot. He says that’s where the temple used to be before they burned it down. It’s just another vacant lot to me and I’m not impressed. Allen says I would be if I was a Deacon and knew a little more about it.

After breakfast we drive over to Joseph Smith’s homestead. It’s a brown log cabin and we meet this old man inside who shows us Joseph Smith’s rocking chair and bedstead. (I wonder what a bedstead is but Allen says it’s just a bed.) After we see the homestead we drive over to Joseph Smith’s mansion and I wonder why Joseph Smith needs two perfectly good houses. (Allen explains that he didn’t live in them at the same time, silly.) Anyway the mansion is pretty fancy. It has two stories, lots of old glass windows, and all kinds of beautiful furniture inside. An old man and his wife guide us through the rooms and we have to be careful not to touch anything. The old lady wants to know where we’re from and when we tell her she wants to know if we are Mormons. (Well, of course. Why do you think we’re here?) She gets more friendly when she finds out we are Mormons.

Later that afternoon we go to the Carthage Jail and again we have to explain to the man where we’re from and tell him we’re Mormons. We go upstairs where the jail is and the man says here’s the door that Joseph Smith shot the gun through and tried to kill the mob. He says what we already know. They got in anyway and shot Joseph and Hyrum dead. Everybody is very quiet and the man shows us a little window pane screwed down to the middle of the floor. The man says under the glass there’s a stain of Joseph’s blood. I look real close and I can’t see a stain. Allen says it’s been a hundred years and the stain has faded.

Oh...

Finally we head off to Wisconsin to see all of Dad’s relatives. OUR relatives! We have great grandparents we’ve never seen before. Everybody is very, very nice and very glad to see us. We meet new aunts, uncles, and cousins. Allen explains to me what second cousins are and again we explain to everyone else that we’re Mormons.

All is well, all is well...