A little about me: Married; 3 children (Daugter at BYU, Daughter in High school and a son in kindergarten); active member; served a mission; family on both sides active; live in Utah County; I've been an active non believer for years and until now have just gone along for the ride.

Today I'm looking for any advice you may have. I've "come out" to a handful of people with mixed responses. The person I have not "come out" to is my wife. I'm more than happily married and love my wife with all my heart. I tell her everything, except this!! I'm afraid and confused. Love for her to come to the same conclusion independent of me. I've seen and heard of way to many scenarios where people get ostracized by friends and family and even had their spouse leave them. I'm becoming anxious to talk to her and want the result to be positive...

Well my advice as sure as most on this board, is to go slow. Don't dump it all her at once. That was one mistake I did. If you every once in a while say, "hey did you know about this?" and then move on. couple weeks/days later. "I learned this".

I regret just dumping all my knowledge on her at once, because she was not listening.

Have you tested the waters at all? You know--said you are troubled by a couple of facts you have read in the essays or even indicated difficulty in accepting this last mis-step the old boys have made? You could even just say you are bothered by all the studies showing coffee is more likely super healthy than anything else.

It could give you a way to take the temperature of where things stand as a starting point to see if there is a chance of a thaw.

That's all I've got because this precarious situation you are in is not my field of expertise. Lot of posters here have great advice though. You came to the right place.

If your wife is curious and a reader, encourage her to read and discuss things with you.

You might say you want her opinion about JS in In Sacred Loneliness by Compton. Tell her you are concerned about how the church treats women.


My husband told me how uncomfortable he was knowing my temple name and I was not supposed to know his. He told me he didn't like the idea that God needs a male middleman. He encouraged me to take an anthropology class which was a real eye opener.

It took me a long time but I slowly figured it out. He said, "What took you so long!" He said he would have played along if I never caught on.

In a way I was mad that no one told me. I felt like a fool believing that stuff so long. On the other hand, I think if I was not ready, I possibly would have left him over the church (I was invested in needing a priesthood holder eternal partner, blah, blah).


Just be the best friend and spouse you can be and give her food for thought. You have to decide what you are willing to risk.

Good luck. The "family" church is really about holding your family hostage if you don't play along.

Do you remember what it was like to be a true believer? Do you know where your wife is coming from? Keep it in mind, constantly.

Go *very* slowly with her. Bring up a disturbing thought here, a faith-disrupting fact there. See what, if anything, resonates with her and follow that thread.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/20/2015 05:43AM by summer.

She'll be upset if she hears it from someone else which will happen if you stay on this course.

Begin to drop hints here and there and see what happens. Mention it in contexts that would be of interest to your wife. What bothers her about Mormonism? What doubts are on her back shelf?

Discrimination against women, blacks, or gays? Polygamy? Lies about church history? Abuse of power? Start with whatever she has mentioned or indicated is a problem and go from there. Take it slowly and let her show you the way.

The previous posts provide good advice. In particular, it's much better that she hear it from you rather than someone else. Also, as others have mentioned, don't dump it on her all at once. I hope it goes well for you. However, the one piece of advice I would add is that you mentally prepare for a big change in your marriage and your relationship with your children. Keep in mind, you will be depriving your wife of her hope for an eternal family and your children's respect for you is probably based at least in part on their perception of you as a righteous priesthood leader. Consequently, they may not respond well to the news. Best of luck to you.

Come out to her first, BEFORE you come out to anyone else otherwise she will feel betrayed.

Thank you to everyone for the replies.

"scaredhusband"-Where are things now with your wife. What did you dump on her at first? How did you go to fast? What do you wish you had shared? What would you have changed in your approach?

Many of you suggested I come out to her first; however, other than going slow, I'm not sure the process. Do I drop on her that I'm a non believer and then take what I share with her slow or do I share slow and drop the bomb later? I don't want her to hear from someone else!!...

Does anyone have suggestions of articles or books I could share with her and ask for her opinion of. Ideally something that she can easily come to the same conclusion I have.

"dagny"-you are clearly the closest to my wife's scenario since you were her not to long ago. Tell me what to share and say...:)

Thanks gang!!!

I sat here down and told her that I no longer believed. I told her that it was a lie. I told her all the things I had learned lead me to know that it was false.

From her perspective I believed yesterday and today(the day I told her) I no longer believed. Her dream of a happy forever family was all of a sudden crushed. Her supposed strong priesthood holder was no longer strong or "worthy". When in reality it was a journey of discovery that took quite some time(a couple of months) studying and reading. I made my mistake by not including her in my journey. I didn't tip her into what I had learned when I learned it. She still has a hard time understanding that it wasn't just one day I woke up and decided I didn't believe.

Right now she is very defensive every time I begin to question TSCC. I have a hard time getting her to separate her belief from who she actually is. There is trust missing because I decided to be candid and open about my problems with the truth claims. Ironic right? I told her that I no longer would stay off of "anti" sites or self censor myself from reading in my quest. It all has been an uphill battle since that one time I told her I no longer believed.

Just for future reference, when some starts a topic and says they are having concerns about coming out, can you be clear and that you are coming out as a non-believer or as coming out as gay.

Up to the point of your second message, I wasn't too sure which way things were swing.

One Sunday afternoon I was reading about the BoA on MormonThink.

The decades of shelves came crashing to the ground. I just sat there in stunned silence.

My husband walked into the room having no idea what i'd just read. He could tell something was wrong though. He asked me if everything was ok. I very calmly told him that I wasn't sure if the church was what it claims to be. I didn't say another word.

He replied by saying that he'd thought that himself, and he no longer believed any of it! I was shocked!

My situation is NOT the norm. I was very lucky. Husband and I left the church together shortly after that. My adult kids left with us.

My intention was to drop my husband a little hint. He spared me all of that. I hope it goes as well for you, but don't count on it.

Drop a hint, ask a question, and do it sporadically. The Book of Abraham situation is what broke the walls down for me.It's been the catalyst for many exmormons. Maybe ask your wife what she thinks of that situation. MormonThink has a good write up on the subject.

I wish you all the best, lots of good advice from people here. The biggest thing is to take it slow, but also realize that there probably isn't a great way to do it, only some that aren't as painful.

My wife knew that I was struggling with some things but wasn't interested in details. So, when I finally hit the breaking point and said I wasn't going any more it wasn't completely out of the blue. However, the next day she told me that she had prayed about it and wanted to get divorced.

We've been able to work things out (by completely ignoring them, for the most part) and are still married now after 7 years. I was pretty hurt by some of the things my wife said and did, but as time goes on I understand that her response was out of fear and despair; she was struggling with what had changed the course of her life.

So, I don't have any great advice besides be patient with yourself and with her. I hope it goes well.

I would start out with the church essays since they are "safe" coming from the church's own website:

Begin with the polygamy ones since women HATE polygamy:

https://www.lds.org/topics/plural-marriage-in-kirtland-and-nauvoo?lang=eng

Rock in the hat is another very troubling part for people.

https://www.lds.org/topics/book-of-mormon-translation?lang=eng

I'd have her read the original accounts and highlight the CONTRADICTORY details:

https://www.lds.org/topics/first-vision-accounts?lang=eng

If she doesn't get too defensive then the CES letter is excellent:

http://cesletter.com/

I dumped on my wife all at once. She dug in her heals and continues to believe. Any gospel topic about what I have found has her put up a big wall of defense where she will not listen. In her mind I am under the influence of Satan or something. In other words, I did it all wrong.

Fortunately, she has an aunt that she really admires. This aunt’s husband is not a believer. I think the advice from this aunt is to keep loving me and maybe I will come around someday.

I continue to drop subtle hints where I can. Like “I just watched the most interesting show about Neanderthals. I found it interesting that we have Neanderthal DNA.” At this point she won’t think too deeply about anything but she is determined to love me. Still, church is always that elephant in the room.

My DH played his exit slowly. He attended church with me every week. An uncooperative baby that hated nursery was his escape from priesthood. He'd sit in the car with the baby and read rfm. Lol

He dropped tidbits every now and then about what a jerk Brigham Young was. In a visit with my parents, DH made it clear that he had serious doubts about the church. It was the most obvious he had been. In the discussion I could tell he had done his homework and drawn his conclusions. I defended his position, while not really knowing what to think about it as it affected me.

Over the course of a few more months, DH inched further away from outwardly believing. I had to adapt along with him. I recall feeling scared about my relationship with him. I worried that he would reject me and his kids along with the church. Once he understood my fears, he was careful to help me realize that he loved me and married me - not the church.

The situation reached a point where I cried about him drinking coffee in front of me. I realized that I was being ridiculous. So I agreed to read up on stuff. Then we could either be on the same page or at least I would know what his issues were.

DH refused to assist my research. He wanted me to do make my own decisions without his influence. So one night I had to ask myself what questions had ever bothered me about church. My first search was about the temple and comparisons to Masonry. Book of Abraham was quickly on the heels of that. The first vision(s) were next.

DH and I went to church a couple of times after I began reading. I listened critically. Nope, no Jesus was mentioned at all. And then we both stopped going to church cold turkey.

We have enjoyed our journey out. It's been fun experiencing life without the guilt and burdens TSCC brings. I don't cry nearly as much as I used to when TSCC made me constantly feel unworthy.

Go slow. Help your wife feel loved. Be patient. Include her in the process as much as she is willing. But make it a learning process, not an overt attempt to sway her.