Since not being a Mormon anymore I am realizing that Mormonism is not normal and it teaches many unhealthy/dysfunctional behaviors in its followers. I've also realized that I use to think my family was great but now I know that they are highly dysfunctional. It's so frustrating waking up to this reality.
So, my question is whats the best way to learn how to live and think normal/healthy?

You sound like me. Since leaving I've realized:
- I'm a people pleaser
- I don't respond well (at all) to criticism and get defensive and feel personally attacked
- I am passive aggressive in order to avoid conflict (and any possible subsequent resolution)
- I look to others as authorities and diminish my own thoughts/opinions on things
- I wait for orders/instructions from others rather than being proactive

I also realize my family is all of these things.

My relationships have been largely inauthentic.

So I guess what I'm saying is, I'll be following this thread too. But here are some thoughts I can share from my two years being out:

- You're not a bad person for taking care of yourself. Do it, take care of yourself. You'll find you're a much better person for it.

- Try to not take things personally. Try to understand, TRULY understand where another person is coming from. I recently made a connection with a coworker I normally wouldn't have because I was willing to try and look at things objectively, understand his perspective, and share mine in a non-defensive manner. It was wonderful! That said, there are some people with which this will still be impossible due to their unwillingness to do likewise, so there are limits to this.

- When you have a problem with something someone said/did, tell them in a polite, non-offensive manner and give them opportunity to explain, apologize, etc.

- If people are being inauthentic towards you and pretending to care, don't engage them. It's okay to release your connection with these type of people. They will drain you of your self-worth (remember the first item - take care of yourself!)

- Stay connected with people who are ahead of you in terms of social awareness (like many people on this board - this is a great resource so take full advantage)

Anyway, hope that helps even just some. Like I said, I still have a long way to go myself and need to take my own advice more often.

The best way --Take it one day at a time.

You'll need to collect information and make new opinions and judgements based upon reasoning. Lots of your brains lazy shortcuts to thinking that were pounded into you in Mormonism no longer work. You'll have to reprocess them with more information this time.

But to start out - Review all of the churches major teachings and reset your own.

Here's a short list of some topics that the church focuses heavily on. Work your way through them.

Law of Chastity
Word of Wisdom
Order of life prioritization
Morality
LGBT
Definition of Love
Definition of Truth

Passive/Aggressive behavior is driven by measuring everyone up to the mormons moral yardstick. Method of attempting to get people to conform by guilt and disdain.

Make your own moral yardstick to compare people too without the "Do they attend all of their meetings, is that outfit too revealing, or do they have their home food storage in."

And probably the best advice - If you find yourself having a difficult time adjusting - Seek competent NON-MORMON professional counseling. The mormon religion is designed to be completely all consuming. It's tough to leave without some help.

Being around normal people helps, making friends outside the church.

I'm struggling with this too. But one thing I recently realized: The church teaches you up front what to want. Now I'm realizing that I can CHOOSE what I want. So, what do I want? I suppose that's one of the biggest challenges for everyone, it's just sort of a shock to suddenly rebuild your world from the ground up as an adult.

Learn one simple fact first:

Nobody's "normal." "Normal" doesn't really exist, except as an imagined average of the wild swings of human behavior.

So don't worry about being normal.
Worry about being YOU. Whether that's quirky, or wild, or tame, or whatever...just be you. Not what TSCC told you to be, not what your parents tell you to be, not what I tell you to be. What YOU are.

You may not (yet) know what that is. That's OK. In fact, the journey of finding out what that is...that's what life is all about.

Get moving :)

First you have to decide what normal is for you. Could be your life's work.

I recommend finding a dynamic group therapy led by a qualified therapist whom you trust. I've been in group therapy for several years now and it's the place where I have learned to negotiate boundaries, to get angry with others and voice my anger--sometimes messily--but also where I have learned who to trust, when to trust, and what I can and cannot trust them with.

This being NYC where I live, it was easy to find the right group for me.

I cannot emphasize strongly enough, that if one wants to grow beyond the Mormon mind fuck, and grow in an accelerated way, get into group therapy and work the shit out of it.

I think we all carry around the idea that we are unique in our dysfunction. Excellent advice in this thread - utilize all or some or none of it. The good news is there is no true way out of mormonism, everyone has their own path.

What's normal for me may be very odd for you and vice versa.

If you mean normal by learning how to move in the world in a healthy way, there's several ways to do that. Therapy, experimentation, education, introspection are excellent ways to find yourself. You may drink a cup of coffee and be disgusted. You may watch a sexually charged movie and be thrilled. You might pick up a book on a subject and think the author is out of his or her mind. There's no one way to be an exmo, despite what some will have you think. Forging your own path has immense rewards in my opinion, but your experience may vary.

since I left or maybe since I became an adult is that those families who seemed to have it all together, didn't. We were always the "dysfunctional" family in my eyes growing up. My dad wasn't very active. I feared that we wouldn't be together as a forever family from the time I was 5 years old or so. My dad wasn't one of those soft spoken priesthood leaders who wanted to be bishop and he wasn't fake in any fashion.

My mother was very quiet and unassuming. She was raised by deaf parents and wasn't very social. So we were the outcasts, but we went to church every week, etc.

Imagine my surprise when I found out we were actually more "normal" than the fake mormon families.

I agree with others, nobody is "normal." It has been much easier being me outside than it was inside. I never belonged in mormonism as hard as I tried to. I was going to have that perfect forever family. I feared losing them. But I never, ever fit into mormonism. I'm much more comfortable in my own skin now.

I've never fit inside someone else's mold of their version of normal. As a Mormon though I tried like cl2, I was never "good" enough (who is?) or perfect enough, or felt like I was the quintessential LDS woman, because truly I never was.

Always been a questioner, and was a rebel in my youth. Later I learned that rebellious teenagers have an advantage over non-rebellious if their home lives or environment is messed up. As it's a coping mechanism in finding their way out of what isn't working.

Being self-nurturing has helped me to grow as a person. I've raised children, and been a mother for a good many years. And found that some of the same techniques I used with my children works with me too. I practice patience, kindness, gentleness, seek learning and understanding when I'm stumped on something, etc.

Never give up on yourself. Accept you're a work in progress. Continue to foster and nurture those relationships in your life you treasure and cherish. And trust your intuition.



Edited 3 time(s). Last edit at 11/23/2015 10:30AM by amyjo.

This is going to sound weird, but . . .

"Do what is right let the consequence follow."

The more you do it, the more you will feel like your real self. I believe it is the secret go getting over the passive aggressive nature that many of us absorbed.

I liked reading a lot of novels that made me feel I was walking in someone else's shoes for a while. By the time you leave Mormonism you are full of it. The Mormonism doesn't go away, but the more you add other stuff to it the more it becomes diluted. Getting it down from 100% to 15% is a good goal. You always need the memory of what was though, so 15% is a sweet number I think.

I would also say start getting involved with what interests you.
I came to religion at 21, so I had been involved with things I dropped for "holiness". Horror novels, horror movies, some occult stuff, rock music. I just started allowing myself to follow my interests again.
I know you grew up in tscc, but I'm sure you have interest in things tscc told you you shouldn't have. Everyday things that non-church members do.
For me, it felt awkward and sinful at first, like I felt guilty when I started playing rock music in the car, or checking Steven King books out of the library. Now it feels so natural and normal, and I feel freer from my former life.



Edited to add:this thread is similar, some good advice in here:http://exmormon.org/phorum/read.php?2,1724157



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 11/23/2015 10:25AM by KiNeverMo.

I threw away all my clothing and bought new shirts, pants, etc. let my hair grow longer. I was starting college so I found non Mormons to visit and run with. for me it was no big deal, never felt I belonged anyway.

Judging from what is seen here on a daily basis, apostates are incapable of being *normal*, and I am quite pleased and happy to contribute to the abnormality.

Party on, Jesus; party on, Garth.

Like others, I never really fit in as a Mormon, so transitioning wasn't that difficult since I just went back to my old self. One other thing I did was to get rid of all of my Mormon dresses, and now the only dresses I have are sun dresses. I also got a second set of piercings in my ears, and I tend to wear 2 pairs of earrings. I also took up the hobby of home brewing, which isn't exactly something Mormons would approve of.