Reactive parenting is my own made-up term for this very basic and common mistake.

We all tend to try to correct for our children whatever we thought our parents did wrong.

Were they extremely harsh and rigid? If so, some parents react by never providing any rules or structure whatsoever for their children, no bedtime, no sit down meals, no suggestions about manners or consideration for others.

Does the adult think their parent was way too lenient and mamby-pamby? Then they try to make up for it by controlling every minute of every day for their children.

I've heard parents say they never got candy and wanted it, so they fill their grocery carts with it and dish it out to the kids constantly if they want it or not.

Other parents thought their parents didn't help enough with homework, music lessons, or soccer team, so their main goal in life is to do those things for their kids even if the kids don't need or want help with those things.

The problem is these parents don't look at their own children's needs and try to be there for their kids NOW. Instead, they are reliving and modyfying their own childhood memories.

What children need is for someone to relate to them in the here and now. Most kids need balance, moderation, appreciation, and reasonable limits and structure with a reasonable level of flexibility.

NO child needs the burden of providing a second childhood for the one a parent thinks he/she missed.

Another problem with reactive parenting is that most people don't fully understand all of the ins and outs of why they feel the way they do about their parents. As likely as not, I think they're blaming their parents because it's easier than facing hard adult decisions and coping with difficult challenges in the here and now.

One thing I've learned is that finding out why something is a problem doesn't always automatically make the problem go away. When I was a teacher, parents would contest a grade. "My child deserves a 'Satisfacory" not 'Needs to Improve.' That's because it isn't his fault that he can't do homework and turn it in on time. We're just too busy on weeknights with church, sports and TV."

My answer? "Your child has to have the grade indicated here as that shows that he turns in homework less than a third of the time and a better grade wouldn't be accurate. The root cause doesn't enter in. He'll have to take the responsibility without making an excuse for "why" he is in this situation."

Maturing means facing challenges without giving in and giving up to pure blame.


In another thread, Annagrammy mentioned how her daughter blames her for weaning her from the breast too soon. To me, that's unfair and probably just plain wrong. Good grief! There's nothing a 40 or 50 year old mother can now to change when she weaned a baby many decades ago. The grown up baby-person has to buck up and face the challenges necessary to heal from whatever is bothering them. And my guess is it's from their own decisions as much as from whatever happened to them at the breast.

I've heard people complain about something that happened in preschool or kindergarten as being wrong or hurtful and these whiners complain about it for a lifetime as if they don't have choices and ways of recovering from the slight. This weaning age thing is even more extreme in my view.

I would guess that half of the parent conferences I conducted were partially taken up by parents telling about how they were doing the opposite of whatever they didn't like as a child.

I think parents should try harder to get over whatever they're bothered with as kids and stop putting pressure on their children and their aging parents to fix it for them.

If they wanted more phonics when they were in first grade, at least ask about the phonics program before tearing into the teacher about supposably not teaching it.

If they had too many chores to do as kids, then get over it. Give kids appropriate chores to suit their needs NOW.

If they wanted a pet and never got one, at least ask today's kid if they like dogs before buying several.

Whatever it is that bothered us as kids, let's not assume that doing the opposite in the extreme is just what *our* kids need. That isn't usually the case and doesn't mean today's kids will grow up loving us more than we loved those who slighted us half a century ago.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2011 07:24PM by Cheryl.

When DW and I finally get around to having kids I promise not to view them as little copies of us that we can perfect by eliminating all the mistakes we think our parents made. I fully intend to make my own unique mistakes.

There are certain situations that warrant a direct opposite response, IMO, even if it's just a temporary one. For example, there was a lot of angry, abusive yelling in my home growing up. It takes extreme circumstances for me to normally yell in my home...something about to be broken, or my toddler running out into the street. It took me a long time and a lot of work to get to some sort of balance point like that.

I'm not, however, running around telling others that if they yell they're a bad parent(similar to the parents telling you, the teacher, how to grade their kids).

On other hand, I can see where you're coming from. When parents go to extremes, it's not about the kid, it's about them. At that moment, they're filling a hole in THEIR soul, and don't really care about what the child who is a child right now needs.

It's one of those issues that make me worried about my own blind-spots...



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/22/2011 04:01PM by vasalissasdoll.

I've watched my sister do this, though thankfully not to the extent of Anagrammy's daughter.

Later on, it often makes things much more difficult for the kid (trying to find a way to integrate into society but being rejected for inappropriate behaviour) AND for society (trying to find a way to integrate such a demanding youngster).

Thanks

Thanks for elaborating on this with a teacher's point of view.

It's easy when you're in the throes of raising a young family to forget that you are preparing them for the world, which has definite behavior expectations.

And to really be fulfilled and not have anger/depression issues, a mature adult has to be able to choose from a full pallet of choices, not just the partial selection of what is the opposite of what mom did.

Including nutrition.

Anagrammy

I think your daughter will mature. It takes longer for some than others. Hang in there.

I can't agree with you that reactionary is all bad.

In my humble opinion...

I do say that I do everything the opposite of what my mother did. But my mother was horrible. My mother chose to enable my father in his petophilia, and to expose us kids to it, rather than get us away from him. My mom encouraged us to fight eachother and played favorites, in ways that were almost sick. As it turned out, she favored those who cooperated with my dad, and bullied and beat those who didn't. My mother allowed the stronger siblings to beat up the weaker ones. My mother would take possessions and food away from one kid and give it to the other. I came away from my childhood with an overwhelming since of UNFAIRNESS.

I got my kids away from my dad and my abusive exhusband. I never ever allowed my kids to bully eachother or take advantage of eachother. They were never ever allowed to hit eachother for ANY reason. They were not allowed to steal from eachother for ANY reason. And I tried very very hard to treat them equally. That part was really hard, because they were 180 degrees out from eachother, and different kids need different methods of teaching. But I did my best to be fair. I never wanted my kids to look back at their childhood and feel the way I did about mine.

I'm proud of the parent I am. I'm not saying I am perfect, and I still have a lot to learn. But trying to do the opposite of my mother, I believe, made me a WAY better parent than my parents were.

This is one of the reasons I'm absolutely sure I made the right decision to not have kids so far. I know that I would've become a "reactionary" parent in response to how I was raised.

I think moderate parenting is the way to go- rules, but not overbearing ones. Chores, but not the kind that interfere with school or health. Television and video games, but not 24-7.
Firmness and boundries, but flexibility as well is necessary for raising an emotionly healthy, well adjusted child IMO.

Very true itzpapalotl. And one thing I learned from a book yrs. ago and I used it when raising my kids was a simple way of stating what you want your child to do....

Never say "IF". Always say "When".

When you pick up your toys and put them away we will go for ice cream. This makes it a demand.

If you pick up your toys and put them away we will go for ice cream. This makes it a choice. So the kid chooses not to. He is not in trouble...he has delayed his desire for ice cream. Mom did not get done what she wanted. Her fault....not his. And then night comes and mom puts the kids to bed with the toys still on the floor.

Sometimes we learn from our parents example and sometimes from their mistakes. Sometimes we need to do something altogether different.

It's like the exmo who reacts to the past by mindlessly overindulging in booze, illegal drugs, and anything they were forced to avoid as mormons.

Parents are wrong who don't get to know their own children and their present needs but just do the opposite of whatever they think their parents did wrong.

The only thing I did the total opposite of my parents was religion. I left behind the things that I didn't care for but kept the things that helped me.

I agree that your children aren't your chance to fix your own life.

My birth daughter has done the opposite with her child of how she was raised. Alas she has a bratty kid. This kid will pay for her mistakes. Part of it is laziness too disguised as her doing the opposite.
And for sure I taught my kids how to think and not what.

I see alot of permissive parents around. I have come to believe it's laziness or the desire to be buddies. In the end the kid won't be prepared for life as an adult and the parents won't be buddies at some point when things get rough in the teenage years and have to be reeled in.

I like ideas Cheryl has brought up.

My father was an angry, abusive man and I hated the way I was raised. I was pretty young when I realized he had no clue what he was doing (about 16 or so). So I started reading parenting books long before I ever thought about having children. And I consciously thought about what it was that my father was doing wrong and how I could avoid it. The result for my children can be summed up by my daughter's complaint as a teenager. She said:

"Mom, I hate it! I need to rebel and you never give me anything to rebel against. If I ignore what you tell me I'd just get hurt!"

Of course she did manage to rebel but that's a story for another day. The nice thing is that my children and I have good relationships and, while they parent differently in some areas, they are both great parents too. :)

This isn't what I call reactive since you spent time effort and used reason between the stimulus of your bad ineffective father and your own experience with parenting. You didn't just mindlessly do the opposite.

And I didn't chuck everything he did. I sang to my children a lot -- something I learned from him. Some of my chore expectations for my children came from him too. I just chucked what I hated -- the yelling, the anger, the violence. In fact, the biggest parenting decision I made that could be considered "reactive" was the BEST decision I can imagine. I made a promise to myself to never hit my children in anger. That seemed to be his biggest parenting problem -- anger.