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Recovery from Mormonism (RfM) discussion forum.
I almost went to a memorial service today for the mother a friend of mine I knew in my youth. It was held at the local LDS church. This woman was very kind to me in my youth. Although I have not seen her in decades, I wanted to pay my respects and maybe see some old friends. When it came time to go, I just could not bring myself to walk into a Mormon church again after 30 years of being away.There were just too many bad memories that came flooding back. My wife and I resigned a few months ago so we can say we are officially "out". I was shocked that even after all these years the whole "Mormon Experience" still affects me deeply. The guilt the judgement the anxiety the feeling that you must be perfect the feeling that others are watching you. It was all there as I contemplated stepping inside, but I didn't. I took control and my wife and I went instead this Saturday afternoon to a nice restaurant, ordered appetizers and drinks and watched the football game. No stress, no anxiety.This really is a "Recovery from Mormonism" isn't it? It seems to be a life long process. I'm so glad I have all of you and this board to help me when I have a weak moment. Thank you all.
BB
BB
I know how you feel.
The mother of my best friend as a teen died, and she was really kind and sweet to me (and lots of other kids), despite being TBM. I faced the same dilemma as you.
I went, though -- and then later wished I hadn't gone.
At one point, after being there about 20 minutes and having had 50 people say how wonderful it was to see me back "in church," and asking if I was "coming back," I said to another ex-mo there (for the same reason), "I guess it's not possible to just come and say goodbye to someone we loved, we have to get the full court come back to church press, too."
I think you made the better choice. I thought it would be OK after 30 some years -- it wasn't.
The mother of my best friend as a teen died, and she was really kind and sweet to me (and lots of other kids), despite being TBM. I faced the same dilemma as you.
I went, though -- and then later wished I hadn't gone.
At one point, after being there about 20 minutes and having had 50 people say how wonderful it was to see me back "in church," and asking if I was "coming back," I said to another ex-mo there (for the same reason), "I guess it's not possible to just come and say goodbye to someone we loved, we have to get the full court come back to church press, too."
I think you made the better choice. I thought it would be OK after 30 some years -- it wasn't.
There are different ways to pay your respects. Perhaps you could write a note to her kids with some memories of their mom. I found such notes to be very comforting after my mom died. One friend of hers took me out to lunch, and another called to talk. There are a variety of ways to show support.
What a great idea. Thanks for your input.
I don't know which child it was, but one of their kids, when Sam & Marva Davis were released from being the Las Vegas president and wife, set up a Celebration of their lives. They sent my invitation to my mom and she forwarded it to me. In the invitation, it said that if you couldn't make it to the gathering, to please send something in writing, if so moved.
I did. Felt good writing it, honoring them, and it avoided what's been described above. When they get you on their turf, they may become emboldened to act like giant D-bags.
I did. Felt good writing it, honoring them, and it avoided what's been described above. When they get you on their turf, they may become emboldened to act like giant D-bags.
I didn't attend my grandfathers funeral. He was spent most of his life as a nonmember married to my BIC grandmother. He eventually joined but not until he was in his 70's. I remember him drinking coffee with a bit extra in it on cold winter mornings. After he joined a lot of what I loved about him faded away, swallowed up in the morg.
I visited my grandmother and his grave a few months later. I got to remember him as he was without all of the Mormon trappings.
My family still holds it against me that I wasn't there. I would make the same choice again. Grieving for him was a personal thing that didn't need to be hijacked by others wacky beliefs.
I visited my grandmother and his grave a few months later. I got to remember him as he was without all of the Mormon trappings.
My family still holds it against me that I wasn't there. I would make the same choice again. Grieving for him was a personal thing that didn't need to be hijacked by others wacky beliefs.
I find myself more and more taking the road of finding alternative ways to share memories and show respect rather than attending a Mormon funeral service, viewing, or blessings. One of the things I find most ingenuous and obnoxious is the "Oh, I have missed talking with you and seeing you." Really? How hard is it to drop a note or make a phone call for a luncheon date? Some of these people are previous neighbors who I have extended this invitation to with never a response appearing.
I think it comes down to the fact that in their eyes I have strayed from the narrow road and they really do not want to be seen with an apostate except in their church. On their own turf it is okay because they are where they think they should be, and they can encourage me to come and follow their 'righteous' example.
I think it comes down to the fact that in their eyes I have strayed from the narrow road and they really do not want to be seen with an apostate except in their church. On their own turf it is okay because they are where they think they should be, and they can encourage me to come and follow their 'righteous' example.
You made the right decision to stay away. Really, just thinking about it got you upset!
I mistakenly decided that being upset meant that I wasn't fully "recovered" from Mormonism, so I went to my cousin's funeral. The cost was too high!
For other Mormon funerals, I have written and mailed the family a lovely "In Sympathy" card. For Mormon family funerals, in order to express in person my sympathy and to honor the deceased in person, I have attended the viewings. These are usually held 1)the night before the funeral, and 2)the morning before the funeral. I prefer going the night before, because it is more separate from the funeral, and sometimes these are held at the funeral home, instead of at the Mormon church. Be sure to sign the guest register, so they will remember you were there.
My cousin's Mormon funeral was so upsetting to me--the feelings were exactly as you described--and I felt trapped. The reactions of my family were as anticipated. They wanted to know if I had left the church. One former friend said, "Did we do something to offend you?" No one really wants to know the real reason WHY.
"We miss you!" Well, I still live in the same house, and have the same phone number, and when you saw me at the grocery store, you walked the other way....
Honestly, I think I'm pretty strong, and I have been resigned for about 10 years, but I felt sick, after going to that funeral. I felt like a victim, again. I felt misjudged, disliked. I was a misfit. Along with that, those old feelings of boredom, guilt, and confusion came back. I had nightmares for three nights. I actually was ill, and missed a day of work, the next day, plus the hours I had taken off for the funeral.
The cost of going was too great.
Good decision. Protect yourself.
I mistakenly decided that being upset meant that I wasn't fully "recovered" from Mormonism, so I went to my cousin's funeral. The cost was too high!
For other Mormon funerals, I have written and mailed the family a lovely "In Sympathy" card. For Mormon family funerals, in order to express in person my sympathy and to honor the deceased in person, I have attended the viewings. These are usually held 1)the night before the funeral, and 2)the morning before the funeral. I prefer going the night before, because it is more separate from the funeral, and sometimes these are held at the funeral home, instead of at the Mormon church. Be sure to sign the guest register, so they will remember you were there.
My cousin's Mormon funeral was so upsetting to me--the feelings were exactly as you described--and I felt trapped. The reactions of my family were as anticipated. They wanted to know if I had left the church. One former friend said, "Did we do something to offend you?" No one really wants to know the real reason WHY.
"We miss you!" Well, I still live in the same house, and have the same phone number, and when you saw me at the grocery store, you walked the other way....
Honestly, I think I'm pretty strong, and I have been resigned for about 10 years, but I felt sick, after going to that funeral. I felt like a victim, again. I felt misjudged, disliked. I was a misfit. Along with that, those old feelings of boredom, guilt, and confusion came back. I had nightmares for three nights. I actually was ill, and missed a day of work, the next day, plus the hours I had taken off for the funeral.
The cost of going was too great.
Good decision. Protect yourself.
Thank you all for your insight, opinions and support.
BB
BB
I also want to say thanks for this thread and for the posts.
Hearing others describe the feelings that were brought to the surface makes me feel less alone and weird. For me. just being physically in the cult building that brought immense heartache brings emotions to the front, plus I have this deep dread of seeing some of the people who were most responsible for the deed that was done to our child. I will always have mistrust and anger for these people who I feel earned it.
Hearing others describe the feelings that were brought to the surface makes me feel less alone and weird. For me. just being physically in the cult building that brought immense heartache brings emotions to the front, plus I have this deep dread of seeing some of the people who were most responsible for the deed that was done to our child. I will always have mistrust and anger for these people who I feel earned it.