Growing up with my mother was verbally, spiritually and emotionally abusive. To this day she continues to be spiritually abusive to me. She contributes my long lasting depression to leaving the church resulting in having a "spiritual illness". This is interesting because my depression actually started on the mission. She is literally obsessed with the church. She uses Facebook as her mission to teach the gospel. She posts to her facebook page non stop day after day. She uses our family reunions as a means to further indoctrinate her adult children and grandkids. During reunions we attend spiritual lessons each night as well as a trip to the temple as a family. There is always a testimony meeting at the end of the reunion. Trips are turned into a sort of "Education Week." What would you do if you had a mother like this? I am considering cutting her from my life for my own sanity and peace of mind.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2016 09:07PM by Regan.

I'm REALLY sorry to hear this. I hope you're doing okay.

My mom acts very similar, so I feel your frustration. The first time I told her about my depression, she literally told me to get my head out of whatever books I was reading and start taking the Gospel seriously.

Do you have another family member who is more willing to listen?

I would keep your Mom on your FB friends list but unfollow her. There are people on my friends list whom I really like a lot, but I can't stand what they post so I do not follow them. Another option is to systematically block LDS sites if she does a lot of shares. I do this with my LDS friends and it cuts down on churchy posts dramatically.

I wouldn't feel obligated to go to the entire family reunion. Could you possibly go for just a few days, stay in a separate motel, and attend only the non-religious events? Or perhaps skip one or more reunions and arrange to see your siblings at different times?



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 02/09/2016 09:15PM by summer.

Take the power in the relationship away from her. Don't go along with her TBM shenanigans. Make it very clear that you find the Mormon Church highly offensive and do not want to hear anything about it.

If Family reunions all churches based, don't attend. It is absolutely disrespectful to you to force the religion.

Remember you have one great tool at your disposal, controlling interaction with you. Make it clear that in order to have any she has to do so without involving the morg. Make it her choice to have anything to do with your life.

It's a matter if education for many lifetime TBM's. They don't see anything wrong with what they are doing.

You are an adult now. You don't have to submit to religious indoctrination by the family any more.

Just tell your mother that she's welcome to plan whatever she wants, but YOU aren't going to attend family events that are centered on religion. Maybe you could offer to come up with different types of activities (some Mormons might not know what to do that doesn't involve religion). If she wants to include ALL of her family, she needs to plan inclusive activities.

My husband, myself, and my kids just stopped attending those family testimony meetings. We didn't give any explanation, unless asked.

Another possibility is to just opt out altogether if your Mom can't cut out the preaching.

As far as cutting your mother out of your life, I think you should at least talk to her about her behavior first. There is a chance she could change, if she realizes that she's doing harm to the relationship AND that she has NO chance of changing your mind, anyway.

I don't keep toxic people, just because I have the misfortune of being related to them. I'm unclear on why you allow her to interact with you to a degree you find distressing. That's sacrificing your adulthood, when she's already stolen your youth.

You are under no obligation to maintain ties to a person who abuses you, and, she loses the title and privileges by abusing them. Your first concern should be your health, including mental health. You can't cure her, but you can choose a healthier life, enforce your boundaries, find your limits. That's a big job when you have to start from scratch as an adult. It's also interesting to discover yourself, sometimes painful, sometimes fun.

Depression is to be taken seriously, so please don't allow this person, who calls herself a mother, to scoff at your pain. Self-obsessed people dismiss the needs of others, making their needs and wants the forced focus of all who venture near. This woman is obsessed with her goals, so must demean yours.

Please, for your own sake, start ignoring those who are not supportive of your goals. You do not owe her your health, happiness or life.

I second unfollowing her on Facebook. If what she posts bothers you, you don't have to see it. I've unfollowed many people for that reason. I would also seriously contemplate going to the family reunions. You don't have to go, and if it's detrimental to your sanity when you do, then stop. Or like the previous poster said, don't go to the religious activities.

You could cut her out of your life if that's what you feel you need to do. You could also establish boundaries with her, and decide how/when/why you'd like to interact with her.

I wouldnt cut her out completely, but see less of her,dont attend family occasions that are likely to upset you, unfollow her on FB. She wont know and you can check her page if you like,but her stuff wont show up on your feed. Talk to her and set some boundaries and be prepared to enforce them by changing the subject,hanging up or leaving.You are an adult.

Facebook is just a webpage that you can choose to participate with whom you will - not sure that was grammatical.

Give her the message she is too churchy to be social with normal human beings.

Most of us have pretty unrealistic expectations for our parents at some point in our lives. Your mother is not your best friend. She is not going to help you with your depression, or even understand it. She is who she is. Iwish my Mom was someone else too, someone warm and empathetic. She wasn't.

Letting go of expectations, letting go of the unrealistic person I wished she was, was painful. I went through grief - anger, denial, depression, but finally accepted it. This made it easier to disengage with her and be less hurt by her. It allowed me to remain active in my birth family.

You might try working through this with a therapist.

I appreciate all of the responses! I have been feeling particularly down today because despite opening up to my therapist and letting her know my frustrations with my mom and my desire to distance myself from her or possibly cut her off from my life my therapist is having a hard time understanding. She believes it is wrong to do this to your own mother. My therapist is not really familiar with Mormonism or the extreme manner in which it takes hold of our family members and the immense toll it takes on ex-mormons. I knew that members here would understand more than anyone else what this can be like.

I totally agree.

I third that: New therapist. A good therapist should be able to understand that keeping a toxic person in your life is the same thing as beating yourself in the face with a hammer. If the therapist had any empathy at all or any understanding of PTSD from abuse, then he or she would be able to help you.

And cut off your mom from your life until you have the tools to cope, set boundaries, and enforce them.

I am taking care of a very ill family member, and see a therapist twice a month, just mostly to vent frustrations, or talk about what's going on. She's very good, but the minute I start talking about the "undue influence" the church had on me, I can tell she just doesn't get it. Most people don't understand how integral the church becomes. It's a weird sort of mind meld. I get more from reading these kinds of boards. I totally understand most of what people are talking about in a very deep way.

Every adult has a right to live as they see fit. No one must continue to cater to parental demands after they're no longer dependent on the parent.

If a mother has unwanted "spiritual lessons" and temple visits scheduled, an adult can tell her, "I won't be attending. Have a good time."

Cut her from your life except for short superficial contact. There is no way I would go on family reunions and I would be very clear to her and other family members why you are not going. She can only torture you if you let her.

It would only be okay for you to go to these reunions if you were the type of person who could just roll your eyes, laugh at it all, not take it seriously and have it not affect you in any way.

But that's clearly not the case here, so it's time to protect yourself.

The first step is to keep away from the reunions and let her know why. If she gives you a hard time about it, stand your ground, tell her you're an adult, you don't appreciate the Mormon-themed get-togethers and you're not going.

My mother usually to be highly critical of me. One day, I'd had enough. I told her that the next time she criticized me, I was simply walking away.

And that's exactly what I did. As soon as she said something critical, I just walked away. She was so stunned. I left her standing there, speechless.

One day, I travelled an hour to visit my parents. I walked in the door and the first thing out of her mouth was a criticism. I silently spun on my heels, walked out the door and closed it. I think that one really got her attention. Things got much better after that.

Old habits die hard, so it took her some time to learn to stop criticizing, but an interesting and unexpected thing happened. In standing my ground, I gained her respect. I didn't realize how little she respected me as a person when she could just run roughshod over me and I couldn't stand up for myself.

My relationship with her is better than it has ever been and I never thought that was possible.

Basically, people will treat you however you will let them. Parents especially have a difficult time letting go of the reins when their children become adults. When they can no longer spank you (well, they did that in my days as a child), they simply resort to being manipulative in order to get their own way.

I remember when I turned 18, I said to my parents, "I'm an adult now. You can't spank me anymore." So my mother just started saying, "Fine, then you can't borrow the car." So I bought my own car at 19. LOL

It's basically about taking control of your own life.

I should have done that many years ago, but didn't. My mother died last year and was mean and verbally abusive to me the last time I saw her. If I'd been more proactive over the years, it might have ended a little better.

Your family reunions sound like a little chunk of Hell.

All of the above posts contain excellent advice. I grew up with an abusive alcoholic mother--our relationship was shaped by the destructive substance of alcohol abuse. It's sad, but you are in a similarly abusive relationship with the substance being religion. Get some counseling, establish strong boundaries with your mother based on your needs, and put distance between you and your mother's destructive religion. Very best wishes, The Boner.

I wouldn't jump right to cutting her off completely. I would unfollow her on Facebook, I do that with several relatives whose political views I don't want to read all the time.

I would set some firm boundaries. I would tell her calmly but unequivocally that I am not having discussions about religion with her and that I certainly am never going to participate in any of her religious reunion shens again. That stops immediately. If she wants to suggest non-religious family activities, OK.

Then I would stick to the boundaries. The minute she starts talking religion, I would hang up the phone or leave the house.

It seems like maybe you're thinking that the choice is between enduring her terrible behavior, or cutting her off completely, but there are a lot of good choices between those two extremes.

I struggle with boundaries, too, but learning where you want to draw the line for yourself, and then following through with drawing that line, is the key. You can't change her behavior, but you can change your reaction to it, your exposure to it, and the way / degree it affects you.

I think it's okay while you are learning how to do this in your own way, to limit interaction with her. Maybe not cut her off, but just limit the exposure to trigger situations that might anger you, give her opportunities to push your buttons, etc. You could stop using Facebook for a while. It's Lent -- tell everyone you gave Facebook up for Lent! Lol. You could not attend family reuinions for a while. Skipping an event here and there for your own sanity is perfectly reasonable.

There are two emotional cues that let me know when I'm in a situation where I need to be assertive or someone is taking advantage of me. I will feel uncomfortable in the moment (like if your mother was making a snide churchy comment directly to you). I will also feel resentful the next day (like if your mother asked you to do something and you said yes when you really wanted to say no, the next day you'd feel resentment toward her). These clues help me to figure out when my boundaries have been crossed. The remedy for me is to be assertive. Easier said than done! Lol. But it works when I can do it.

You and your mother are equal human beings. She doesn't get to decide ALL the terms of your interactions. You can decide some too! Ideally, you would both work them out together. This takes time, and will likely be met with resistance from your mother at first because it's been stuck in a pattern for years. But just remember that you deserve to be treated well, to make decisions like an adult, and be seen (by her and by yourself!) as an equal partner in a relationship.

I would also add that your therapist might not want you to cut off contact because that won't solve the problem.

What I mean by that is, unless you have learned how to establish healthy boundaries, raised your self-esteem so that you no longer require your mother's approval to feel worthy (and her disapproval doesn't make you feel un-worthy), and you have learned some assertiveness skills to speak with her directly, then cutting off contact is avoiding the problem, not solving it.

Something like that. I obvsiouly don't know the details. But I know from experience that raising your self-worth results in other peoples' behaviors hurting you much less. You may find out that you can tolerate your mother better after you have learned some self-worth skills, and that might be what your therapist is thinking.

Good luck either way.

Let those with eyes, see; and those with ears, hear.


There once was a doctor in the land of Mo,
Who heard countless tales of sorrow and woe.

Suffering ills of the heart, soul and brain,
From the high to the low, all in terrible pain.

Then someone came in whom he'd not seen before
And he knew that he just had to hear and learn more.

So when they were introduced more or less formally
They started to talk, not like this, but quite normally:


(Doctor) "What seems to be the trouble?"
(Patient) "I get these awful headaches on a regular basis."
(D) "Do you have any idea what could be causing them?"
(P) "Well, they seem to happen right after I beat myself in the head with a brick."
(D) "Ohhhkaaaay… and why exactly would you do that?"
(P) "It's a family tradition. You see, at our reunions, we all gather around, get our bricks, and start hitting ourselves."
(D) "This is just a wild thought, but have you ever considered not hitting your own head with a brick?"
(P) (startled) "Didn't you hear me, doctor? It's a *family tradition*!"
(D) "Um, alright, where do these bricks come from?"
(P) "Oh, my mother hands them out to each of us, and when she says, 'GO,' we just begin to pound away!"
(D) "And then what?"
(P) "Well, when someone gets tired, she badgers them and cries until they start up again, and if they're not hitting hard enough, she'll pick up a spare brick and hit them too."
(D) "Does she ever hit herself with these bricks?"
(P) "Oh no, never! She only hits other people… wait a minute –"
(D) "I think we've made a breakthrough today!"


So when you go do things that cause you to doubt
Your own health and sanity, GET THE HELL OUT!

I agree with unfollowing her on Facebook, as she will be on your friends list, but you won't see anything she posts unless you go to her page. I find that blocking those LDS pages people share from also helps to cut down on the Mormon propaganda that you see. I've done that with a couple of TBM's who posted either Mormon stuff or ultra conservative stuff, and my Facebook is that much nicer.

I agree that these are great suggestions!

You are reacting in a very Normal, healthy way, to abuse. Often abuse is hidden, secret, and veiled in denial. Abusers blame the victim--you--for everything. You are not to blame! You aren't exaggerating anything, either. Your pain and anxiety and sorrow is REAL.

Set your own boundaries with your mother. Who knows--maybe you will have to withdraw temporarily, and will eventually reach that necessary detachment. Maybe you will be able to see your mother and the Mormons as immature children, almost laughable. Maybe not. I could never laugh at my abusive brother.

After I left the Mormon church, I dreaded the TBM family reunions, even when my brother wasn't there, so I told everyone that I would go every-other-year. I do care about these people, and a reunion is a quick way to catch up in person.

Most of our reunion is outdoors, and we have a huge extended family, so I bring soccer balls, whiffle balls and baseball bats, paddle balls, for all kinds of games. I bring toy boats to float in the creek (I'm a certified lifeguard). I take them on a "hike" up to a hidden swing. Children are usually eager to have a good time, and the adults are usually glad to have the children occupied, so they can gossip and preach and brag and eat, and whatever they want to do.

Don't the kids get pretty bored at your mother's testimony meetings? How many days is your reunion? Is there a yard, or a park nearby?

Do you have friends there--maybe the reunion is in your hometown? You could book some appointments with them, and stick to those. No explanation necessary, if old friends are expecting you. That really saved me!

Probably everyone these days has an i-phone. Have your friends text and call you often. Lots of people just stuff the earphones into their ears, and stare into space. How about bringing along a (non-controvertial) book to read alone in the corner, or to read during the "meetings." They will ask you what you are reading, but if you threaten to give them a book review, they will run away, fast!

Your mother is obeying the Mormon admonition to put the church FIRST. She knows no other way of prioritizing. You (and I) never were "high priority." You are not bound to make the reunion "high priority."

If your mother has a plan or schedule, you could just attend the main dinner, on the last day, after all the church junk is over with. Like with "education week", you don't have to sign up for the whole thing.

It can be kind of depressing, when you finally realize what real love is, because you suddenly understand that the Mormon church does not preach, teach, or practice unconditional love. I used to listen for the word "Love" to be spoken in our LDS church meetings, and I never heard it. Love was never the subject of a lesson. At the end of my Mormon years, Christ was talked about less and less. Russell M. Nelson said that "unconditional love is anti-Christ." Mormons believe we must earn (and pay money for) love. Your mother doesn't love you for you, because you were her baby--she will love you only if you go back to the cult. That kind of rejection is harsh!

Outside of Mormonism, there's more love than you could ever imagine! The love in your own heart, which you give to others, is the most important love of all. If some of it comes back to you, that's just icing on the cake. Begin my loving yourself, and protecting yourself from hurt, abuse, and shunning. Find your own non-Mormon "family" of kind people who will appreciate you.

Let us know what you decide to do.

Yes, get a different therapist. A non-Mormon, cognitive/behavioral therapist, who specializes in cults and PTSD.

What a great idea to give up Fakebook for Lent!

Studies show that websites like Facebook make people depressed!

My kids and I won't go on Facebook, because it's just another way to be pestered by arrogant, rude Mormons.

Cut her out.