Posted by:
1997resignee
(
)
Date: February 28, 2016 03:01AM
Last words from my father tonight were, “We no longer have anything to say – take care of your mother…”
I resigned from the corporation back in 1997 when I was about 30 years old and feel a great deal of gratitude for this forum, which was just starting about that time. Since then, my parents seemed to follow a path of “don’t ask don’t tell” with respect to LDS theology. At the time of my exodus, I was extremely fortunate to have never been married and had no children; subsequently, I was even more fortunate to have married a wonderful never-mo with whom I have a beautiful, sensitive, and smart 7 year old daughter.
I have made a concerted effort to let my daughter know my parents as much as possible; they are basically good people who simply were born into a belief system that helped them raise 8 children.
For the past couple of years, my father has always tried to subtly introduce LDS-related topics by relating some event or activity in my youth. Tonight, he brought up to topic of seminary. I brushed it off with, “seminary was really a waste for me as I was always so tired from getting up early, making it through the school day, then basketball/track practice, homework, then some other church activity – I was dead tired.” I chose not to address the fact that the curriculum never addressed the types of topics currently being addressed in the essays.
He reminded me that I hit a motorcyclist driving home from seminary (because in the past he made it clear it was miracle that the rider survived with minimal injuries); I countered that the cyclist simply made a choice – run into me (in a small compact car) or into the big utility truck that was blocking half of his lane when he chose to run a red light as I was at a stop attempting to turn left. I wanted to point out that, but for forcing 16 year old children out in the wee-hours of the morning, I would have – and should have – been in bed that early in the morning. I also reflected internally that the other 3 occupants of the vehicle – one left the LDS fold many years ago, another sadly committed suicide many years ago, and the third (an older sister) has not been active or involved in LDS endeavors for over 30 years.
In my father’s memories, he believes those were happy Mormon days for me. As with most teenaged Mormon boys, those were horrible days of manipulation and guilt. In our family, there was not a lot of open healthy communication with our dad; the best communication was always with our mother. Basically, most, if not all of the children did not share a lot with him and he did not share much meaningful conversation either – with the exception of a written manipulation letter maybe once per year. As has been partially revealed over the years, his inability to communicate was due to his father probably being drunk and abusive to him when he was a kid – that and the fact that he was under the impression that the Mormon church would provide the structure and learning while he busted his hump making an honest and successful living.
For some reason, my dad griped about his bishop – that he walked by without speaking to him or shaking his hand. He complained that the ward only had about 87 active members (35 or 40 years ago it had at least 300). His bishop happens to be the son of the man who was my bishop and is a year younger than I am – and who I happened to grow up with and with whom I attended high school. I could never relate to that guy; he was nerdy, goofy, and socially off while I was generally accepted by the LDS and non-LDS (probably because I was a good athlete and did very well in school in a non-Mormon community in Austin TX).
I told my dad, “Maybe your bishop is a bit of a jerk like his father was.” To which he responded, “Well, the old bishop was a Major in the air force, and a lot of ‘em behaved like.” I enjoyed the dialogue and added, “Do you know that the old bishop chastised me – actually told me that god didn’t need me and that I was a horrible example to the young men because I had not turned in my mission papers?” I continued, “I told the jerk that I never presumed that god needed me, that I was trying to use as much scholarship money as possible before turning in the mission papers; and, I made it clear I would let him know when I was good and ready to give him those papers and to never call me back into his office.”
I reminded my dad I had provided the package in the month of November with a written note that I wanted it processed as quickly as possible so as to not get a call in the middle of a semester; he sat on the papers, never apologized, I was shipped to the MTC at the end of a March en route to Portugal later the same year in May. I commented, “That jerk caused me a 3 year disruption to my college studies that should have only been a 2 year disruption – on purpose.”
I was surprised that my dad’s next comment was, “well, you have a beautiful wife, and child, and you are a Judge of men/Israel – just like you were told….”
I figured if he was going to try and manipulate his memories of my youth at seminary, and his present dissatisfaction with his bishop ignoring him, and then try and quote back to the Mormon astrology of a banal patriarchal blessing that he was opening the door for me to tell him what I really thought. I tried to keep it simple.
I said, “You’re mentioning things that I just don’t believe. Joseph Smith was an evil man. If you want to hear a testimony – here’s what I have to say: Joseph Smith was evil. He married other living men’s wives; he used his position to coerce a couple to give him a 14 year old girl to be his wife. He was a lot like Jim Jones, David Koresh, or even Warren Jeffs.” In the background, I could see the concern on my mom’s face as she voiced, “stop it, we don’t preach to you…”
I pointed out, “he’s the one who manipulated Mormon topics into the conversation – seminary, bishops, etc. So I think it’s important you know where I stand. Joseph Smith was an evil man. The book of Mormon is fiction and the book of Abraham is a fraud. It’s not your fault you have not had a chance to spend days, weeks, or months in a library reading the Journals of Discourses or other books and works about Joseph Smith by his contemporaries and by past and current scholars. I have. I will do whatever I can to ensure that my wife and my daughter never fall victims to the cult of Mormonism. I hate what it did to my 6 sisters – and how it treated them like second class citizens.”
My dad responded, “you’re going to have to answer for your choices…” To which I replied, “if and when we stand before our Maker, I think we’ll both be surprised – but I will not be ashamed or surprised to declare that Joseph Smith was an evil man.” My dad got up, and as he walked away, said, “we no longer have anything to say – you can take care of your mother.”
As he got up, I said, “Dad – you’ve been a good provider and done your best as a father; you did the best with the hand that you were dealt. You’ve always tried to be a good father.”
A minute or two later my daughter and I left. I told my mother, “I’m sorry about that, but, he started it and I needed to let him know where I stand; cults are harmful – especially to good people.”
I was expecting that sort of exchange back in 1997 – but it didn’t happen until tonight.
On the 30 mile drive home, my daughter and I had a good conversation. She wanted to know why I said Joseph Smith was evil. So, I told her that he lied and that he married other men’s wives – while he sent them away. She asked, “tell me something else.” I said, “he told a mom and dad that they needed to give their daughter to him or they would get in trouble with god…” I paused and asked, “do you know how old their daughter was?” She said, “no, how old.” I said, “14.”
I then added, “you know what I’d do if someone asked me to do that when you’re 14?” “What would you do,” she replied. I stated, “I’d be tempted to punch him in the nose, even though that’s not very nice.” Although she’s only 7, she added, “well, he’d probably deserve it.”
I wanted to understand at a 7 year old level why I had a heated discussion with her grandpa. I told her, that as a kid I constantly went to church, to activities, to seminary and was taught a belief system that is important to my parents. I went on to tell her that I spent 2 years in a foreign country telling thousands of people about that belief system – only to later find out that a lot of what I was saying was wrong or was not true. I asked her, how would you feel if you were taught something your whole life and then told everyone else they should believe it, too – and then find out you were wrong?
Her response – “embarrassed – I would be embarrassed.”
Kids are so simple and smart.
I reminded my daughter, “grandma and grandpa are good people; they have not had a chance to read things I have read or talk to people with whom I have talked. They believe what their parents told them who believed what their parents told them. I’d glad you’re listening to me and talking to me; but, someday, you’re going to have to explore and find out things on your own; when you do, I hope we can talk about it.”
I’ll be a sad old man if I ever reach the point that I feel I don’t want to talk to my child any more – sad indeed. I hope that day never happens – as I the most joy I have had experienced to date is conversations with my daughter.