Posted by:
AprilFoolsDay
(
)
Date: April 02, 2016 07:09AM
I had a hard time dealing with death as a child. My grandparents who were my main emotional support died suddenly and young of heart attacks. I was devastated at the time and did not deal well.
I have dealt with death with many of my close friends. I have lost all my best friends - one to car accident and two to brain tumors. All in their 30's.
Needless to say I have felt so alone and had a family with zero empathy towards my tired and aching heart. "get over it" "No use in dwelling" "Life goes on". I knew all that, my but the teaching of forever, didn't mesh with my sensitive soul that I lost my friends. My family I could talk.
My family lives in denial. We never communicate about anything. Anything. If I try, I am either bringing up things that don't matter or I am ignored. Like literally they will stare at the t.v. and pretend they don't hear me.
I only recently told them I left the church. They didn't care. They shrugged their shoulders and were like whatever. Funny I wanted a reaction in any way (even if it was negative).
Anyways, they know how I have hurt over death. They know the main thing I am trying to work on is being okay with death. It is not a hilarious subject to me.
So I walk in and my dad (who has been unhealthy as well as my mom the last few years in the 'who cares anymore about our lives..let's eat a donut" kind of way) says to me:
I went to the doctor yesterday. I have cancer throughout my body.
After my shocked look, he starts laughing like a damn hyena and says, 'April Fools Day'. I instantly reacted and told him that was the most disrespectful thing he could do as a 'joke'. My emotionally abused (by him) mom gave a slight smirk. Suddenly I 'couldn't take a joke', 'that was all I could think of for April Fool's Day'.
p.s. My daughter was there. She has no father and this is her only grandparents. Luckily, she didn't hear as she was playing with my brother's baby.
The conclusion: I am rude for getting mad. I am too sensitive. I am 'always' being mean to them. (I solely affirmed it was a joke that was not appropriate in front of children or to me). He was pouty and rude. No one said anything.
Then he started laughing again.
I went home and sobbed for the life I know I must leave and can never turn back. I have come too far in the last year to be told I am too sensitive to a joke that should have never been told due to my past issues. Should I be ok with jokes? Sure but at what cost to my mental health do I need to deal with this narcissist.
I sobbed for my mother's lack of sticking up for me at any capacity as a child and now into adulthood.
I sobbed for that little girl who lost all her friends and nary a word except for 'meh. you'll see them again'
But hey cancer's funny.
April Fool's Day to me; the ultimate fool for thinking they would ever change.
How this affects me as I get close to 40 amazes me. They really, really suck. That is all I have left in me to say.
Thanks for "listening".