If you are easily offended...leave now. I am about to get really really apostate. If I am not going to outer darkness already...this should seal the deal.


Van Helsingus and Tirinus stood guard in front of the Tomb of Joseph of Aramethea, making sure that none of the Apostles of the so called "Messiah" aka., Jesus son of Joseph would come to try and remove the large stone they had placed in front of it and fake a rebirth.

No way any simple 'Christians' as they were derogatorally called were going to get past Van. They had been standing guard here for almost 3 days and so far...nothing.

The ground started to shake and tremble. Van looked back in amazement as he saw the stone which weight several hundred pounds covering the tomb entrance starting to move.

A spot started forming below Tirinus.

"Get a hold of yourself Tirinus, I've been trained for events just like this!!!" Van Helsingus said.

A bright glow was coming from the opening..brighter than the sun at noon day. Van had to turn his eyes away.

"Aaaaahhhhhhhh!!!!!" Tirinus screamed as he saw the figure coming out of the tomb.

"Jesus Christ!!!!" Van Helsingus said grabbing the flask of Holy water he kept for such occasions.

"BEHOLD. I AM THE RESURRECT..." Jesus started saying as water got splashed into his face, "WHAT THE F&&^^" he swore in a loud speaker microphone type voice.

"You UNDEAD fiend from the neither depths of HELL!!!" Van Helsingus swore pulling out a silver crucifix and presenting it to Jesus."

"HUH, WHAT!!!???" Jesus said in surprise as a Roman guard came at him holding a cross.

"BACK WHERE YOU CAME FROM!!!!" Van Helsingus said pouring more holy water on Jesus and moving in with his Crucifix, "Quick Tirinus, get the torch."

Tirinus had gotten a little bit a hold of himself and handed Van Helsingus a torch.

"WAIT! WHAT DO YOU THINK YOU ARE DOING!!!????" Jesus screamed as his robes caught on fire, "YOU CAN'T KILL ME...AHHHH!!!!!"

With a quick move Van Helsingus stuck the sharp edge of the Crucifix into Jesus heart and started pounding.

"You blood sucking vampire!!!"

Jesus moved back to his bed holding his hands out trying to protect himself.

"ENOUGH!!! I'M GOING TO AMERICA."

Jesus then evaporated in front of Van Helsingus. He thought he could come later, maybe have some angels put the guards asleep first or something.

"You see Tirinus. That's how you destroy the undead." Van Helsingus said with a smirk on his face.

Early on Sunday morning, Mary Magdalen, along with other women, went to visit the tomb of Jesus.

To their surprise, the soldiers who were supposed to be guarding the tomb were dead with their skulls cracked open!

They were even more surprised and afraid because the tomb was opened and the body of Jesus had disappeared.

Mary Magdalen went inside the cave while she was crying.

She saw Primus inside clothed in all black ninja gear. “Why are you crying?” Primus asked her.

“Because they have taken away my Lord” she answered.

And then another voice behind her said to her, “Mary, if you love me you’d let me eat your brain!”

She turned around and realized that it was Zombie Jesus standing behind her.

She could not believe her eyes. She went and told the apostles, “I have seen the Lord, and he is a Zombie!”

As the apostles were gathered together speaking about all of this, Jesus appeared among them and said “Brains! Brains!”

And they all went out quickly, and fled from the place; for they trembled and were amazed: neither said they any thing to any man; for they were afraid.

ziller