been holding off for days to ask the forum..

I'm serious here: I'll be brief

I am engaged to a wonderful woman who has been divorced twice.

last divorce was the affair with a co worker to get out of the

marriage. It was a temple marriage.

She and I have dated for over one year and we are a team. I

been single for five years, kids are out of the house. She

told me early on about the affair but just wondering what the

board has to say on this...." once a cheater .. always a

cheater"?

Honest opinions please..

Hard to say. Maybe the ex was just a total douche and she would be different with a guy that treats her well. Maybe the problem lies completely within her. How long have you two been dating? If not for very long then you should definitely date for a lot longer. The woman I am married to now is almost a completely different person than the one I thought I was engaged too.

The truth is, you can never truly predict what someone else might do in the future. The real question is, can you accept her for who she is, forgive her for past actions, and trust her moving forward? Are you going to spend your marriage distrusting her and expecting infidelity?

She has told you her intentions. The only question now is how you feel about her and whether or not you really trust her. Doubt and fear will harm your relationship more than her past indiscretions.

Is this a serious inquiry?
The average marriage has a 50-50 chance of working.
Throw in a twice divorced, admitted cheater?
Yeah- that's great odds. YOU'RE going to be the one to "fix" her.

The overall odds are much less than 50-50. A large majority divorce.

The advice I would give is to overlook, if possible, past actions from which one may change. Love must be unconditional. A year is long enough so long as you can discuss how you both feel. You should ask yourself if you have ever been tempted to cheat and whether you have only kept from cheating because....

Not true.

http://jezebel.com/that-50-percent-divorce-statistic-hasnt-been-true-for-a-1665833364

Agree. Why marry?

It's tough to say because each individual is different. Have you talked to her about it? Also, at a certain point you have to trust her because you can't always be around. She however shouldn't put you in a situation where you are wondering what she's doing as well. Anyway good luck. If she's worth it then take a chance.

People CAN change... if they want to.

I married a guy who cheated on his previous wife... NOT with me, I didn't come along till he was long divorced. I let him know that I wouldn't tolerate that. And I am very sure he has never cheated on me.

Many (25+) years later, I asked him what made him change. "Don't give me that song and dance that I was so great," I said.

His reply: "I finally grew up."

I think it is a red flag. Is she trustworthy and forthright in other aspects of your relationship? Can you count on her? She did admit to her infidelity, so there is at least honesty in the admission.

I know a woman that has been married three times. Infidelity was a factor in all three. She has also repeatedly been involved with married men. To her, marriage is really just a piece of paper; she does not respect the institution at all. Does your fiance otherwise respect the institution? Has she ever been involved in another circumstance of being involved with someone married/committed to another?

If it seems this was isolated, it is still concerning; however, if you have established a trusting relationship over the course of the last year and have faith in her, I would counsel to proceed with caution.

I say with caution, because it obviously bothers you enough that you are questioning the wisdom of continuing.

Good luck!!
-Sunny

"Everybody lies"

"People don't change"

~Gregory House MD

Dear Dr. House:

You are full of it.

Also wrong.

Go suck a Vicodin.

Your fan,
A370H55V

If you're having a great time with her, keep having a great time with her. Just don't get married. There's no reason for it, and it'll just make breaking up more tedious, should that time come.

Oh, heck no. Live with her for a *minimum* of five years first. Why are you in a rush to marry? Twice divorced with one instance of cheating does not a good bet make. Quit thinking in Mormon terms that you must get married. Just live together. Save legal entanglements for way, way down the road. Otherwise the odds are that you will be divorce number three and that your divorce lawyer will be asking for a minimum $10,000 retainer. Do you want to lose your house? Delay retirement for five or ten years? Why would you even remotely consider this?

And if she doesn't want to live together without benefit of marriage -- honestly, from an outsider's point of view, she is not in a great negotiating position to demand that.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2016 12:17PM by summer.

Maybe even if she does, she's worth it?

Great point. There's nothing quite like make-up sex.

Everyone and every situation in life is different. It doesn't matter what anyone else has ever done. This isn't a football game or a roulette wheel where you consider the odds.

You have to go with what you feel. If you feel you have a good healthy relationship now, build on it. If the love is there just keep taking big bites of it. Give it all you've got.

A relationship can sour just as quickly from someone having one foot out the door as from someone having an affair. Both of you should jump on the roller coaster and hang onto each other.

Mormon marriages come with a built-in self-destruct button. She pushed the button out of desperation. It happens a lot.

Before committing.

Under the described situation, why would you want to marry? I divorced in 1980, never remarried. had great relationships, good female company. life is good

Dude, you already got engaged to her. You didn't deal with your doubts and fears before the engagement. That would have been the wise thing to do.

It usually takes quite a bit of emotion, commitment, planning and action to get engaged to someone. My advice is to remember why you did that. Her past obviously meant less to you then.

You didn't indicate that she has given you any reason now to doubt her fidelity to you. Let alone her character. Maybe this really isn't so much about her?

Going back on a commitment to marry someone is not likely to be taken well. But if you can't come to grips with something she was upfront about early on, you should let her be free to find someone who can.

Sorry, I think I sound harsh, but you asked for honest opinions.

No, I doubt she will cheat on you. You said she had the affair to get out of a temple marriage. An affair will do it. They won't give you a divorce for not getting along. Adultery works though.

I got married when I was 18. I divorced 24 months later.

I remarried about 10 years later. I divorced him after 9 years.

I remarried for the third time about 6 months after my divorce. We've been together almost 27 years.


It's not right to say someone has weak character because they've been married more than once. Especially if they were raised mormon. The pressure to marry and marry young is intense. In fact, I think it's quite the opposite in my case. I had the courage to do what it took to get out of bad situations. If my husband had taken this boards advice, my husband and I wouldn't have been together the last 27 years and planning on staying until one of us dies. I knew my first two husbands for a very long time before I married them. It made no difference. It has nothing to do with what they may do in the future one way or the other.

I knew my current husband for about 6 months before we married. We both had small kids and didn't want to be in a live in situation. I think the fact that we were in our mid 30's made a big difference. We'd been around, and knew what was out there.

I agree with anonculus's post.

You obviously broke the mold on success after two divorces. That doesn't seem to be the norm, though, does it? Not from what I've observed.

What happened with her first marriage?
What happened with the person she had the affair with during her second marriage?

How does she now handle problems that come along? Has she learned and grown from her past experiences?

I'm in my second marriage. My ex cheated, he has been married and divorced 3 times now. If he were to marry for a 4th time I would bet good money that he would continue to do the same things that broke up his earlier marriages.

Not everyone is the same, and some do learn.
Some seem to enjoy the beginnings of relationships, and when that honeymoon period is over, they get bored with the every day routine.

If you haven't, perhaps the 2 of you could benefit from pre marital counseling to examine any issues you might have. Not with an LDS councillor. Trust is very important, I wouldn't want to go into a marriage if I was having doubts.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/16/2016 03:35PM by yankeekid.

If you will be bringing lots of assets into this then I would do a prenup. A friend of mine recently went through a divorce (she cheated on him) and he ended up losing a huge amount of his 401k etc.

Does she know *why* she cheated?? Getting to the bottom of that is where you'll find your answer.

if it was YOU would YOU do it again ?

Life is a crapshoot. There are no guarantees. Last time I looked
no one can predict the future with any accuracy. Who knows if she
will cheat on you? If you don't want to get hurt go be a hermit
on a far away mountain in Nepal because otherwise, everyone
gets hurt , no one gets out of life without getting hurt many
times.

What if she does do it again? Have you eliminated enough of your Mormonism to not make it about you?

bradley Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> What if she does do it again? Have you eliminated
> enough of your Mormonism to not make it about you?

You make it sound like if she did it again I should not be concerned.
I'm at the point in my life where I will be faithful and expect the same. Mormonism has nothing to do with it.. it is trust I am looking for.