Do you have to hold a temple recommend to dress a deceased family member for burial? (My husband is still a TBM, but he doesn't know the answer to this question, either.) My TBM mother is in her nineties, and I feel anxious about all aspects of her impending death/funeral: re-entering a ward building while I'm grieving; being "comforted" by the doctrinal pat answers of well-meaning, ignorant TBM's; being asked to participate in the program, having to "come out" to more of my siblings (possibly?), etc. I'm sure that many of you tougher cookies would handle all this with great finesse, but knowing my sensitive self, I expect it to feel like trauma on top of trauma. My mother's only wish, in regard to me, was that I flourish as a TBM. I disappointed her so intensely in her elder years that she ignores me when I attempt to talk with her about it. I'll be dealing with a lot of grief when she's gone, and I'd like to find ways to minimize the superfluous stress. Some of my siblings might not know that I've left the Church--I really don't know how far word has spread (we're friendly but not that close). Some of my sibs are high-ranking TBMs who will take charge of the funeral details. I'm afraid they might ask me to help dress my mother for burial, and I'd like to answer that question in an informed manner. Thanks.

Just play their stupid game without concern. It's all just so much bull crap anyway. Frankly, your personal life and thoughts about TSCC is really none of their business. I absolutely refuse to justify my life and actions to TBMs.

Best wishes for a successful outcome.

And BTW, many funeral homes are very aware of temple clothing burials and dress the deceased for the family. With luck, your mother may be cared for by one of them.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2016 11:34AM by Templar.

My suggestion is to tell the truth, maybe not the whole truth, but the truth all the same.

When asked to be part of the funeral, just say "Mother and I had differences regarding my faith to the point we couldn't talk about it. Mom's passing has deeply affected me and I prefer that deal with her death in a private manner. Having to be part of the LDS rituals would prevent me from coming to closure. Thank you for your support at this time and in these matters."

If pushed for details, just say "Mother and I couldn't discuss it. At this time I can't discuss it with anyone else."

I'm already thinking about this and my parents are in their 70s. I have no one else to shoulder the responsibility; it's just my brother and I. I have just resigned and he's been inactive most of his life. To me there seems to be a lot of prethinking going on regarding the whole "trauma". I am following this topic and am interested to see what responses you get.

Both my parents were buried in their temple clothes. My two TBM brothers were responsible for that decision. It seems they may have helped with my mother's dressing. Not sure about my dad's. Because both parents were buried in predominantly LDS communities it isn't unusual for funeral home directors to do this the same as they'd dress a loved one in something else for a funeral dressing.

If it is only you and a sibling making the calls, first I'd want to find out what your parents wishes are and then go from there. I know for a fact my dad wouldn't have wanted to be buried in his temple clothes, but he didn't have a say after he was gone. You may be more instrumental in that than you think you are.

Now that I read your post again, it sounds like you won't be making that decision anyway. If you aren't comfortable with dressing her for her funeral, then don't. Just excuse yourself, you don't have to do any explaining. Obviously your beliefs do not mesh with the TBM's in the family, but you can still be there to honor her memory no matter what they believe.

Funerals are for the living anyway. Certainly not for the deceased. Do what you're comfortable with, and make no excuses for not helping with temple clothing burial rituals if you find it offensive.

This is all such good advice; thank you. What a great forum. I need to chime in more often.

Mom will definitely want to be buried in temple clothes. We don't live in an area that is predominantly Mormon, and I'm guessing that my TBM family will ask me to participate in dressing her. I'm wondering if you have to hold a temple recommend to participate in clothing the deceased in temple clothes, or if I could participate as an inactive member? Not that I would necessarily want to; I'm just curious.

latebloomer Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> I'm wondering if you have to hold a temple
> recommend to participate in clothing the deceased
> in temple clothes, or if I could participate as an
> inactive member? Not that I would necessarily want
> to; I'm just curious.

I wouldn't think that would be necessary since the church has released photos of the temple clothing on the internet. Also, who would check? The recommend is only used to enter a temple and really serves no other purpose.

My grandmother was buried in her temple clothes (Which I don't think she would have wanted, but that is irrelevant here) and my mother helped her sisters dress her, even though my mom has never held a recommend.

It's probably one of those situational discretion things.

If no one in the family is available (for whatever reason) to dress the deceased, the bishop can ask the Relief Society women or one of the priesthood quorums to do it.

Happens all the time.

(I know - my family operated a mortuary for many years)

RPackham Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> If no one in the family is available (for whatever
> reason) to dress the deceased, the bishop can ask
> the Relief Society women or one of the priesthood
> quorums to do it.
>
> Happens all the time.
>
> (I know - my family operated a mortuary for many
> years)


TRUE!! Happened to me and they are so adamant that no one without a TR touch the deceased, these RS women LIED to me and dressed my mother long before our appointed time to meet.
What a horrible thing to do. I just felt sorry for their twisted thinking and how sad it was that they thought they were doing the Lord's work. One more nail in the coffin of Mormonism. I didn't get out until some years later, but this was another experience that told me there was nothing "Christian" about any of their behavior.

SusieQ#1 wrote:
>... and they are so adamant that no one without a TR touch the deceased, these RS women LIED to me and dressed my mother long before our appointed time to meet.

Interesting...

When my mother died, my two TBM brothers and I (the apostate) dressed her in her garments and temple clothes.

RPackham Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------


I think it depends on the local leadership. My mother's bishop was the person she relied on for advice. She would do whatever he told her to do! He even told me what not do, one time and I lived in another state. ... !! Weird duck! So, he made sure that others in the family were kept away. Very odd. BUT, I did arrange the whole funeral, including giving the eulogy and had a song I wrote performed!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2016 11:20PM by SusieQ#1.

I've been a bit anxious about this too. Nobody in our family is TR holders or even active. I do NOT want RS sisters coming and touching my mom when she passes! I'm determined to be with her body, dressing her myself in regular clothes, until she is at the funeral home and in her casket and it is closed! She and I have talked about this very subject and Mom wants nothing to do with temple clothes when she dies.

Thanks SusieQ for confirming my fears. I've wondered if they would try something sneaky. Now I know they probably will.

Pooped Wrote:
--
> Thanks SusieQ for confirming my fears. I've
> wondered if they would try something sneaky. Now I
> know they probably will.


I suggest you let the funeral home know that no one from the LDS Church is allowed to touch your mother's body. If they show up, send them away. Give them a written notice if necessary. Yes, they are sneaky! Poor things!



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 04/30/2016 11:17PM by SusieQ#1.

That sounds like a good plan to me.

This is the sort of thing that members make a big deal out of, because they're not sure of the TBM protocol and they want to do it by the book. It would be great if the R.S. would do it, but I know my TBM family won't go for that; they will want to do everything "perfectly" for Mom. I'm fairly certain I'll be invited to participate, and I guess I'll just tell them I'm uncomfortable with it and refuse to discuss it further.

What DON'T we have to deal with after leaving the Church? Sheesh. It never ends.

If you are invited and wish to participate, do so. The funeral home will not be checking for temple recommends. If you don't wish to do it, decline. You could say something like, "Could you handle that? I don't feel up to it." People mourn in different ways, and surely your siblings are of an age to understand that.

If you are the next of kin, then you may dress the body if you want to. The reason it is commonly done by a TR holder is that the dressing takes a certain order which people who do not currently attend the temple may not recall.

You do need to speak up to the mortuary and be careful to direct them not to allow anyone else to do it. (If someone from church does it, it is typically the RSP or the relevant quorum leader who does it (with recommend, and with a partner because it is hard to do without one). You will also perhaps want to order the funeral burial clothes in advance (they are cut up the back and therefore easier to get on, and they are made out of natural materials). But you can choose to use the ones the deceased has always used, too, if you wish.

Truth is that if you decide to do it, and you don't do it the way that is "correct", it is really no big deal. Only the outer clothing will be visible from the waist up.

One thing the next of kin does need to decide, before death, is whether they do not want a Mormon funeral, and are willing to spend the money to use the chapel at the mortuary. If the funeral is held in the LDS church, the bishop will preside, and typically requires one talk to be about the plan of salvation, and may refuse other things the family wants.

And you can get caskets these days from costco and sams. And mortuaries have to give you actual cost information. So don't get sucked into paying more "because this one doesn't look as cheap as the other one and you don't want your friends to think you didn't love your dad". Find out at least what a good price would be so you can decided what services to get from whom.

lolly18 Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> You will also perhaps want to order the funeral burial
> clothes in advance (they are cut up the back and
> therefore easier to get on, and they are made out
> of natural materials).

Having been out of the cult since 1970, I wasn't aware of these. My grandmother was buried in temple clothing which I was told she would be wearing when resurrected. Doesn't dressing an endowed TBM with clothing "cut up the back" go against this idea? I guess they will look like they are wearing open in the back hospital gowns.

I was inactive. I actually know my parents would not want us to dress them. That's just how they were. They died when we were not around, though some of us had been there minutes before or after they died. It is like they took those few moments to leave.

I did speak at my mother's funeral. Luckily, we had both funerals at the mortuary. My mother's was supposed to be graveside, but it snowed.

If I were you, I'd never bring up your beliefs with your mother at this age. My parents knew I was out. I "lucked out" in that I went inactive when I found out my gay husband was cheating. My parents weren't what I'd call TBM. My mother was more so than my dad, but they accepted everyone and loved all their children. My mother wanted us to be active when we were young. My dad was more concerned when he was close to death, which surprised me. He was the one who taught us to be free thinkers and he would bring up questions about the church to us that he had. By the time my mother died, she had accepted all of us where we were. She told me that you can be spiritual without being religious.

Anyway, there was very little mormonism at their funerals. I have not once felt since they died that they are angry with me or disappointed. I do believe they are still there. I only feel peace from them.

My parents' funerals were healing for me. I miss them everyday, but I do feel peace.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 05/01/2016 11:42AM by cl2.