If you have followed my recent posts you know my SIL hates me. Well, less than a 2 weeks before our extended family is to meet in another State for a family reunion she unfriends me on Facebook. I mentioned it to my DH, and he says he knows why. His brother sent him an e-mail earlier in the day. Apparently she saw us at the movie theater, and she says my kids gave her kids the cold shoulder. Yes I saw them, and didn't go out of my way to say hello. But she claims her kids came up to mine and said hi twice, and mine just ignored them. Her kids never said Hi, and when I asked my kids if they saw their cousins at the theater, they didn't even remember. This is a lie, among many others she tells to make her case, and make me and my family look like the bad guys. So, I am dreading going to the reunion, but go anyway. I decided to avoid her as much as possible, and she did the same. Thankfully the kids got along and played nicely. So here is where the next issue is. She sent me an e-mail ON MY BIRTHDAY saying she was going to wish me a happy birthday on Facebook, but then realized we were not friends. So she is insinuating that I unfriended her. This comes as no surprise because she has done this once before to me when she was mad at me. I told her the last time that I rarely if ever unfriend people, especially if I know them. Anyway, I really don't know how to reply. If I never had to see her in real life again I would just either not reply or tell her to F right on off, but since she's family I can't exactly do that.

This is what I have so far, but I'm just not sure...

"Like I said last time, I rarely, if ever delete people on Facebook, especially if I know who they are. I find it strangely coincidental that both times it's happened you have been upset with me. It seems unlikely that Facebook is randomly doing it especially since it's happened twice. So from my perspective I feel like you are doing it, and putting it on me. There is no way for me to know... So I'm not really sure what to say."

That seems pretty honest. I guess I would add thanks for reaching out with birthday wishes.

She just sounds immature and like someone who enjoys drama.

"If you wanted to wish me happy birthday on facebook, you shouldn't have unfriended me."

Or, she could have just told you happy birthday in the e-mail - but then she isn't poking the hornet's nest about unfriending you. You did not respond with the proper amount of outrage at her punishment. She wanted you to be upset, and to pick a fight. But you didn't. You ignored it. Well!!! THAT just won't do!!! She wanted to get a rise out of you. Now she uses your birthday as an excuse to stir the pot.

Respond in an e-mail "Thanks for the birthday wishes". Period. Nothing else. I bet anything she will find a way to bring up the facebook thing again. Respond "I didn't unfriend you." Period. Nothing more.

Do not give this witch what she wants.

I agree with both replies - it's all about the DRAMA with your SIL and she's definitely trying to stir it up with you. I think I'd follow sunnynomo's suggestion and just keep it short and to the point. Unfortunately Facebook is a way for people to be so incredibly passive aggressive that it just makes me crazy - don't play into it!!

+1

I can relate somewhat as I also have an older brother and sister-in-law that seem to thrive on conflict. I learned when it comes to dealing with toxic people, abstinence is a desired component.



Edited 1 time(s). Last edit at 07/29/2016 01:20PM by iris.

+2 I'm with sunnynomore. Anything said more than this gives her ammo or rope she thinks she'll hang you with. Don't give her any rope!

sunnynomo Wrote:

>
> Respond in an e-mail "Thanks for the birthday
> wishes". Period. Nothing else. I bet anything
> she will find a way to bring up the facebook thing
> again. Respond "I didn't unfriend you." Period.
> Nothing more.
>
> Do not give this witch what she wants.

Yes, this. The OP's original response unfortunately gives the SIL a perfect opening to create even more drama.

If she thrives on drama, my advice like others already posted is to not even reply or respond to her unfriending you on facebook.

I wouldn't give her anything to feed off of. If she starts passing misinformation to others I feel it is more than appropriate to correct it when it gets repeated to you. "SIL says you unfriended her on facebook?" You: "That isn't true, I rarely unfriend people on facebook, especially people I know."

Thank her for wishing you happy birthday in your email and that is it. I fell like if you respond anymore to the manufactured drama it will feed the drama dragon beast.

In closing I am sorry you have to deal with someone like that. I wish you all the best in taking care of yourself and family with someone so passive aggressive and manipulative working against you. And also Happy belated Birthday!

I would just thank her for her birthday wishes, and say something bland like, "it was so nice to see all of you at the reunion." Leave it at that. Ignore her comment about FB.

Your SIL is what I would call a drama queen. She loves drama and if there is none, she will go out of her way to create it. I would ignore her attempts to create more drama and to stir things up. In fact, I would ignore her as much as possible.

Ditto what Summer is saying!

I think that Summer's response was perfect.

I (through painful experience) feel strongly that one should not treat in laws any differently than other people in one's life. In laws get away with things because of the concern from damaging relationships with spouse or other family members.

If an in law acts in a way that you would not tolerate from others in your life, I would just cut them off. I would not worry in the least about what the fall out was. Again, this comes from my experience with in laws. I would rather lose the relationship than put up with some of the garbage that some in laws like to dish out. I am now very up front about that and clear. It is what it is.

trying to keep good family relationships with mormons is way overrated..... it isn't worth it.

Just to make it mormon-y, is it possible that perhaps her lack of power, and possibly even recognition, in TSCC helps drives her to do....

Another vote for thanks for the birthday wishes and nothing more.

I would just say thanks and let it go. Facebook seems to be a vehicle for family drama. Get off the bus.

bewildered Wrote:
-------------------------------------------------------
> "...but since she's family..."

So what?

I don't buy the idea we have to get along and make nice with all family members and the people they happen to marry -- especially if those people are unlikable or cause trouble. Life is too short to waste any of it on people like that.

I guess I feel like I need to make nice for the kids sake. My kids have 2 cousins on my side that live out of state, and 7 cousins on DH side, 3 live out of state and then her 4 are the only ones nearby. I don't want our not getting along to affect my kids relationship with their very few cousins. It was the only reason we even went to the family reunion, so the kids could be with their cousins.

She might have been passively aggressively pointing out that she unfriended you in case you didn't notice.

I agree with summer and also with what stray mutt said.

Many, Many, years ago, I read a book called Games People Play.
The content of the book is not relevant for this discussion. What is relevant is the knowledge that people do play games with other people. You have to be on the look out for them in order to respond appropriately. For "friends" and relatives who want to stir up trouble and create drama, the key is to give them the response which is the opposite of what they want. Give them a wide berth, but when they try to play their silly games, just be sweet and nice to them. After a bit of this, they will either change behavior or get tired of trying to play the silly games with you. It is at that point that they will move onto the next target. My poor wife was plagued most of her life with relatives who were constantly playing hateful games. The usual modus operandi was to gossip behind her back, spread lies about my wife, and general bad mouth my wife with other relatives stupid enough to listen. Now, the bad acting relatives are no longer in contact with her and have moved on to make other people's lives miserable. My wife is doing so much better since that break. It was more their choice to break off communication after my wife finally decided to disengage from the family game playing.

I've had experiences similar to that of Ron's wife.

I use what I call my "black hole" technique. I don't engage. I pretend to not understand nasty innuendos--huh? My response makes the nasty person feel like their clever joke fell flat. Ignore the Facebook thing, and politely thank your SIL for her birthday greeting. End of story.

My family and I are not on Fakebook at all. My daughter says it's just another opportunity to be snubbed by Mormons.

Facebook causes depression.

Possible motives for your SIL. Jealousy. When I moved away, my SIL actually admitted she was always jealous of me. Jealous people want what you have, and they think they deserve it more than you. Jealousy is not admiration--a form of hatred. If someone is jealous of you, they don't like good things happening to you, and they would prevent your successes, if they could. Sometimes they actually do deliberately try to make you unhappy. A jealous person is your enemy, not your friend. This applies to family members, too.

My SIL was motivated by greed. I was a working mother, and had money of my own, yet my mother liked to buy me a new outfit, sometimes, for Christmas or special occasions. She made sure to buy SIL an outfit, too, to keep things equal. SIL felt that if she gossiped about me, I would lose favor with my mother, and Mom would spend more money on her. Gossip usually backfires, and my mother did not like my SIL telling lies about me, and about others. My SIL put others down, to make herself feel superior.

Just act like you don't care. Your SIL is insignificant. Do not let her get in the middle of your other relationships! She is bad-mouthing your children--and that's where you need to set a boundary with her.

I think it's best not to play the game, or to get even. When in doubt, be polite. Good manners is the go-to response that always works.

I agree that getting upset or making a big deal out of your SIL is giving her more power over you. Don't let her manipulate you.

Be distracted. Mentally tune her out, and retreat into your black hole, where no one knows what you're thinking, where a response isn't necessary. I like to "think beyond," to what I'm going to do after I leave this uncomfortable situation. It calms me down.

Your SIL is on the road to destruction. Trust me, criticizing, manipulating, and lying about others only makes them dislike the person who is telling the tale. Relax, be yourself, and let your SIL shoot herself in the foot.

I think you hit the nail on the head...she has told me in the past that she was jealous of me for different reasons. She always made it seem like our families are always in competition. Who's kids does Grandma like best? Who gets the most likes/comments from family members on social media? etc. She would tell me how it made them feel bad when the other family bragged how much money they had. Now I even question if she just made that up because she was jealous of them.

Thank you all for the advice. I wanted to explain to her how I felt, and to call her on her BS. I never would have thought to just not play her game. But it makes so much sense. I sent the reply "thanks for the B-day wishes", and also wished her a happy birthday since it's next week. Guess we'll see if she brings up the Facebook thing again. I honestly hope not, at least for a while...since it's been a nice break from her on FB, and I really am not sure I want to add her again.

Now for my next issue. Just to give you an idea of the dynamic in the family. All the sister-in-laws are married to the 3 brothers. So there is another sister-in-law married to the other brother, hope this makes sense. And the one who is causing the drama, their family stayed with the other couple a few days before the whole family met up for the reunion. I have a sneaky suspicion that she told my other SIL that I unfriended her. They are friendly with each other, but I have no idea how close they are. Anyway, the nice SIL is coming to town soon, and we will be spending some time together...do I say anything to clear my name? Or just not bring it up at all? My guess is not bring it up, unless she does. But it does make me sad to think that she might have been told lies about me.

Don't bring it up at all. If your other SIL asks, just state that you've never unfriended any family member. And, most critically, *don't add her again.* What I do with requests from people I don't want is that I either deny them right away, or I sit on them for up to a year. By that time, they forget that they've asked. If she inquires, just say that you are not on FB very much.

Don't play her game. If you add her again, she's going to keep playing with you (friending, unfriending, friending again, etc.)

You need to be concerned about the long game, not the short game. You three are going to be SIL's for a long time. You will all figure each other out in the long run. So don't engage in the back biting, gossiping and intrigue. Just be yourself and let things play out naturally. If any of your SIL's become natural friends, then great. If not, you can just stay away from them.

Bewildered: I will admit that I have never done Face Book. 65 and stuck in the Stone Age. I heard enough about it to know that is dangerous to put too much information out there about one's else. There is the opportunity for nasty people that know you to pick information, which I call low hanging fruit, for these jerks to use and run with it as they try to hurt you.

I only communicate with those people who I know I can trust. Since there has been so much nastiness coming from my wife's family, I have a strict policy with my three daughters. I will not tolerate them saying nasty stuff about their siblings and their husbands or partners to me. Unfortunately, one of the daughters has fell into the nastiness learned from my wife's mother and my wife's ex-husband. Oldest daughter is from her 1st marriage. I do not like the fact that contact with her has been severed by the daughter's choice, but I can't stand to see my wife being a basket case because of her oldest daughter behavior. My wife's mental well being is so much better now. We are still holding out hope that the daughter will change her ways.

I highly suggest that you leave Facebook. I have never been on Facebook and I never get all the drama my friends and family talk about. It would drive me nuts. Life is too short. My daughter was on Facebook until her SIL started similar antics as yours. She got off Facebook for good and couldn't be happier.

I have a drama queen for an SIL and one for a sister. No contact.

How many brothers do you have?

This kind of stuff is exactly why i'm not on FB. Non stop drama. And it's all in writing.

Ditto! FB is too much drama for me. I've had to stop talking to my sister because she writes on FB things about me that are re-written to make her look abused. I cannot even talk to her any more because everything goes on FB.

Now there is a wedding coming with her son. If I even get invited I'll have to actually see and talk to her. Whatever I say or do will get distorted on FB. And if I don't get invited it will be the same thing.

I wish FB had never been created!